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| Amun'Lauf; The Wind Djinn | |
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| Topic Started: Aug 16 2013, 11:26 PM (260 Views) | |
| Raeliron | Aug 16 2013, 11:26 PM Post #1 |
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"Douma, my boy, would you like to read an ancient tale with me?" "I'd love to, Elder. What story is this of? The two were traveling on a caravan hauled by a domestic camel. Name, Title, Class: "Long ago, during the time of the Great Cataclysm, the Dwarven Empire had fallen. These dwarves were originally our slave masters, but we were given a chance to go against them and obtain our freedom. Our people, the Ghinaari, asked for the power to drive them from the land by entities known as the Djinn." Elder Zaide flipped the pages of the book to an illustration of their supposed gods. Douma's eyes widened and was in awe. "With their power, we pushed the Nurn from our land, but in return we could never leave this desert. These three Djinn here gave us our freedom in some form. And though we drove them back, these Djinn put a curse on the pure blood Ghinaari. And to keep us from becoming too powerful, we were forced to seasonal camps every couple of months." At this time, the child, Douma, would fixate on one Djinn in the illustration after taking the tome from Zaide's hand. "Elder Zaide, who is he?" Douma pointed directly to the one he became so interested in. Elder Zaide leaned over his shoulder to identify. He'd have a chill run completely down his spine. "That, Douma, is Amun'Lauf; known as the Wind Demon or Wind Djinn of Alendia. His power was known to be devastating; wielding the strongest Mage powers and having the keen sight of a Psychic." Douma's eyes widened even more, but this time he had a smile on his face. "I want to wield those powers too, Elder." "To be destructive?" "No! No; I'd use my powers for good. I like to help others. And maybe one day help break the curse!" Though his enthusiasm was innocent and passionate to Zaide, it faded away quickly from him to a frown. "And hopefully find a way to bring back my mother." Elder Zaide put a hand on his shoulder to comfort him, but he didn't say a word. Appearance Douma shrugged off his sadness, looking back in the tome and at the illustration; studying it. He became fixated once more at Amun'Lauf. Though he had read stories of Demons before, the Djinn did not look like the usual type. He was a mystery to him. Reading the description of what he looked like and then picturing it in his mind alongside the illustration, he found details that he did not understand; at least not at this age. According to the text, when Amun'Lauf was not flying, his hair was long with medium-coarse strands, having black or a charcoal color for hair and hinted with silver or gray in highlights. Because of his demonic nature, he has wings and upon flight, the wind lengthens his hair, making it straight and wavy and also becoming more fine. During flight, his hair becomes razor sharp; capable of slicing through anything and acting as a safety mechanism should an enemy attempt to attack from his rear during chases or long ranged attack. Looking at the illustration, Douma saw that Amun'Lauf would have a heart-shaped head; his chin being pointed with what looked to be scales. His skin was a much lighter tan color and the scales that substituted for hair would blend and become a rusted color. Perhaps the papyrus they used had become dull. But the scales surrounded the frame of his head, like a sort of chin strap. An image of only his head was drawn in different angles. Like most demons, his ears were pointed, but his left ear was dull as if the cartilage was ripped off during a battle. Even at such an eternal age, his body remains in shape like that of a young warrior with such broad and chiseled shoulders. The description in the text stated underneath his clothing and armor lies patches of scales along his torso of a tan, rusted color. His muscles were lean and barely showing and sign of body fat. Back to the illustration, his six foot body is matched evenly with his legs being just as long as the torso. The legs seemed more stocky and muscular. Douma visualized how more than likely the countless times he might have landed or pushed off to the sky. The knee caps protrude points and his feet were always bare. "Elder Zaide, why would Amun have scales? Other stories you've shown me before were nothing like him. Are you sure he is a demon? Douma tilted his head curiously as he bent his head backward looking at him. "It is said that the Djinn have some correlation to a legendary Dragon that lived long ago." "So Dragons could have Demons?" "Maybe, my boy. Then again, almost anyone can..." Clothing and Attire Douma continued reading with a smile after bringing his head back into position with a rejuvenated smile. He studied Amun'Lauf again and would read on. He'd glance at the picture and then read the text; discovering this time that Amun'Lauf walks among the Ghinaari inconspicuously. He wears a cloak that covers his neck and is draped over his right shoulder that also covers his the top half of his arm. One detail suggests that this cloak also has a hood which shrouds his scales, making it seem like genuine facial hair. According to the text of the battle during the Great Cataclysm, underneath his leather grab was a thin, almost impenetrable plate of armor. This would go the same for his leggings and shins the shins had been plated. The pages of the tome stopped here. Douma flipped it back and forth, making sure the pages weren't stuck together. "Aww. It's done. There isn't any more information on him." "What else did you want to know? You've been reading that tome for some time now." "Did he use any weapons?" "Of course!" "Where?" "Right there...", Zaide would point to Amun'Lauf's right hand after turning the pages back to the illustration. "Those look like ordinary beads." "Those were enchanted to be a weapon. When Amun willed it, the beads would become large and the wire would be as long as he wanted it to be." "I don't see how that's a weapon. It sounds more like a lasso." "You didn't let me finish. When our people drove the Nurn back, he'd wrap our people in a cloak of sand that tore through enemies, eroded walls and could even suffocate them. These beads, however, were special. When a group of Nurn caught our people off guard, he threw it like a lasso around them and then tugged toward himself, dicing all of them without a bullet of sweat." Douma's head sunk and his body became stiff. "He killed them with the wire from the beads? Why didn't they cut it with a sword? Are the Nurn that stupid?" "Oh, they did try, but the wire itself is stronger than any metal any being has ever come across. The Nurn weapons were cut just as easily as them." Personality "Do you know anything about what he was like?" "My father before me was told by his father before him that Amun'Lauf was quiet. He only spoke in whispers, but the Alendian winds carried his voice to the Ghinaari so smoothly that it would be as if he'd have an amphitheater at his disposal. He was one of the three who saved us." "So, what is he to us?" "Well he brings the gift of wind, for without it, we'd be dry and the nights wouldn't be as cool; and so in some way, he is merciful." Douma would give a sigh of relief. "Does he feel anything?" "I'm sure he does. Just how the deserts miss the rain, I'm sure he has some form of emotion. He could be as cold as the winds can get. Always respect them like I have." History: "Do you know anything else about them, Elder?" "No one knows much about them, Douma. You'd have to ask them yourself." Douma jumped up in excitement, cocking his head backward at Elder Zaide. "You think we could ever talk to them? It said here in the text that they walk among us!" Zaide laughed but became unsteady. "It's been a long time since they have revealed themselves to us, but who is to say we have not spoken to them. I'm sure they hear our prayers, our gratitude. I just hope that one day we can be free from their curse. There is a vast world out there, Douma, and it is yet to be explored by our people. Only time will tell what happens; and in those moments will it define an individual's history; whether it be you or me. Never forget that our purpose is ours to discover and see what we can make of it; whether it be good or bad." Zaide closed the tome. "Now get to bed. We have a lot of work to do tonight..." Abilities: (Mage/Psychic) MAX LEVEL ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() MAX LEVEL ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ((The max level abilities is the current selection I'll have with him over time. I have not heard from Luthe yet about being able to make this character as powerful as he should be. If not then, not to worry, I'll downplay it. Hope you enjoy it and if you guys want more information, I'll add to it over time.)) Edited by Raeliron, Aug 18 2013, 10:46 PM.
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| Queen Vakarian | Aug 18 2013, 08:59 AM Post #2 |
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Wither and Die
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We meet again! First off let me say that I'm not sure what the admins had in mind for the Djinn. Since they have not reviewed this profile yet, I'll go ahead and make one based on normal circumstances that any profile would need. If there is any exceptions here, the admins are the ones who need to do it. The text. I originally was going to read this on my pc. Well being that I got tired and what not, I didn't. So this morning I'm using my Mac and the text was converted for me. Lucky me. What I'm getting at here is, you are using a text that is extremely hard to see. It really needs to be enlarged or another font chosen. I know you are trying to use it as the text for the tome, but it does need to be readable on the profile (rather than someone having to place it in a word doc or notepad). That being said, I like what you are doing here with the tome and your narrators. It's a fun approach and as I read through it, the breaks were nice. They allowed me to get amped up for the next part. So that was nicely done. As I read through this profile I found sections that really didn't make sense. I feel like it is a wording problem. Things are worded awkwardly and so it makes the reading confusing and breaks up any fluidity to it. Example
The last sentence in that is even more so than the rest. 'every couple of months' doesn't really need to be there. Seasonal camps speaks for itself. Now if you are trying to clarify for the reader that's fine, but I would word that differently. I personally don't think it's needed, but that's just me. Another example of this odd wording is your appearance.
These two paragraphs make getting a clear picture of him very difficult. Points jump around and I feel like we never actually get told what he looks like. I know we get some body description but I feel like overall the picture of him is unclear. I would suggest cleaning up the appearance section. If you are unsure of where to start, here's my suggestion (I personally use this myself). Start at the head and work your way down the body, describing what you want the reader to know. I would leave the flight bits for the end. Let the reader a picture of him in their mind before you introduce a flight form or anything like would take their attention away from what he looks like standing still. Clothing and Attire I don't really focus on...but if you wanted to you could actually put that in with your appearance description and make it one nice fluid section rather than having broken up. But that's up to you. Personality: Maybe this meant to be worked out in the rp rather than here, but I don't really feel like there is much here. He's quiet and we know he was willing to 'save' the Ghinaari, but not much else is said. Those two traits don't really make up a personality. They are parts of it, but there is so much more that could be said here. Like I said, if it's an rp thing that's fine. But overall I feel the personality is incomplete. History: Also incomplete. With him being one of the djinn I get why there may not be that much. That kind of ties in with the personality thing. But there still isn't anything here. Overall I feel this profile is Incomplete. There are two sections that are really just missing. Now I don't know how the djinn are meant to be as far as profiles go. I feel that if they are indeed an rp based thing, this bio is still incomplete but it can be updated as information is released. Other than that, clean up some wording and make it more fluid. Like I said, the story telling aspect is great. With a clean up and addition, I think this profile will be renowned in no time. Good job! |
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| Raeliron | Aug 18 2013, 07:02 PM Post #3 |
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I understand that my wording is off. As for the personality and the history, there isn't much for it at the moment. This brings the mystery aspect to the Djinn and why they are around. Over the time, we plan to give hints and ideas as to what their true purpose is and what their personalities will become. It's a new age for them to be in, and with the variables of society today, anything can happen. Personality and History will be given soon enough. I thank you for your critique. |
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| Luthe | Aug 18 2013, 08:44 PM Post #4 |
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I can't read your special text. Those section become impossible to review. This sentence doesn't make sense. "Our people, the Ghinaari, asked for the power to drive them from the land by entities known as the Djinn." This sentence doesn't make sense. "Douma's eyes widened and was in awe." This bit comes on with only one mention of the djinn prior to it, and no mention of the number of djinn, making the "these three djinn" phrase seem awkward. You also say "these djinn" and "these djinn" essentially twice in the same sentence, making it sound awkward, again. "These three Djinn here gave us our freedom in some form. And though we drove them back, these Djinn put a curse on the pure blood Ghinaari." Like Jenova said in this next piece, it's superfluous information. Every few months seems "seasonal" to me. "...seasonal camps every couple of months." You're changing sentences in this next sentence from past to infinitive. It reads strangely. Besides that break in the general narrative tense, your grammar is interesting (almost) correct, here. Proper English requires a ridiculous amount of commas. I don't bother using half of them, myself, because my posts would be almost unreadable. Well done? "At this time, the child, Douma, would fixate on one Djinn in the illustration after taking the tome from Zaide's hand." Should read "had become". "Douma pointed directly to the one he became so interested in." You're still for some reason putting emphasis on an infinitive perspective, when most of the profile is written in past tense. It makes the profile nonsensical. "He'd have a chill run completely down his spine." There's a lot of strange wording, and I wouldn't guess that your intentions were to say what you actually said (maybe they were!). According to the bit below, the demonic nature of the djinn makes him have wings, makes his hair grow when he flies (but he doesn't fly?), makes it straight and wavy (impossible to be both?), and makes it more fine. The demonic nature does this... That's what the sentence says. That seems an arbitrary statement. His demonic power is certainly cause for many of his features (no?), and not just these few tidbits that you've listed. Why speak to them, especially? Precursoring the description of how his hair changes when he flies with "because of his demonic nature" just seems odd. This sections appears to want to describe his fantastic hair, and not that his hair is demonically enchanted and enhanced (which, because of the prepositional phrase, is the main comparative point of the entire sentence, and probably the sentence or two thereafter). Also, Ghinaari don't think of the djinn as demons. No one knew that demons existed twenty years ago. "Because of his demonic nature, he has wings and upon flight, the wind lengthens his hair, making it straight and wavy and also becoming more fine." You don't seems to know how to use semi-colons perfectly, yet. This is damn close to being correct, but it's not. I suggest that most people not use. "Looking at the illustration, Douma saw that Amun'Lauf would have a heart-shaped head; his chin being pointed with what looked to be scales." Djinn are demons since when? ...Since Coelho arbitrarily decided to call them demons after linking together a bread crumb trail using guesstimation. I don't think Coelho has shared his findings with anyone in the couple of weeks that he's been back. "Like most demons, his ears were pointed..." I think that the djinn's malformation or scars (whichever they are) need their own section. Being split up into glimpses here and there in his description sections makes knowing what he looks like frustrating, rather than mysterious and vague. This is a problem in the piece as a whole. Information isn't easily tacked down. I'd avoid regular profile sections with a profile format like this, but if you aim is to make it understandable by the reader, you'll need to clean up the organization to reinforce the (so far) hidden continuity of the djinn. "...but his left ear was dull as if the cartilage was ripped off during a battle." Below is a distracting phrase. Remove it and find a better way to keep our attention in the right place. Blatantly saying that we (the readers) need to get back to the illustration is blatantly breaking the endless romantic dream of the story, which would be a travesty in this sort of profile, whose entire point is to be an almost first person perspective on our part as we explore the djinn with Douma. "Back to the illustration..." Clunky and awkward sentence, below. "smile/smile" "Douma continued reading with a smile after bringing his head back into position with a rejuvenated smile." Stop changing tenses. "He studied Amun'Lauf again and would read on." Below: written detail? Illustration? This is pretty specific information for a legendary creature. All of it is, really. Wouldn't it be easier to just RP this person and leave out the clutter of so many small, potentially inconspicuous details? As a reader, I'm supposed to be looking at a drawing and legend narrative, and not a 3-dimensional model of the djinn. "One detail suggests that this cloak also has a hood which shrouds his scales, making it seem like genuine facial hair." This next part makes sense from a descriptive standpoint for any normal profile, but are we really going to know what he has under his leathers? How do the Ghinaari know that? The preposition in the first sentence is probably unnecessary, no matter how you choose to arrange this information. "According to the text of the battle during the Great Cataclysm, underneath his leather grab was a thin, almost impenetrable plate of armor. This would go the same for his leggings and shins the shins had been plated." I'm haven't been mentioning every instance of a tense change, but here's another one. Choose past or infinitive. You can't have both. "Zaide would point to Amun'Lauf's right hand after turning the pages back to the illustration." Wind dries you out. I'm sure that Ghinaari know this. That's the opposite of what you said, below. "Well he brings the gift of wind, for without it, we'd be dry and the nights wouldn't be as cool; and so in some way, he is merciful." -- Generally, I like the character. Honestly. I think the profile is pretty well a mess, but the character should be just fine once you get a few posts to prop up his amazing abilities. It's technically complete, and has been moved accordingly. |
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| Raeliron | Aug 18 2013, 10:47 PM Post #5 |
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Eesh. Jeez I didn't think it was that bad. I was looking at ones I could use. Maybe it's easier. Took off the special font. So... hope you can read. I'm gonna fix it up. Sorry for the horrible grammar and things. |
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| Luthe | Aug 19 2013, 12:08 AM Post #6 |
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Referencing my PM to you: It's a profile. Don't worry too much about it. This is my worried face. The character should be fine. |
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9:11 AM Jul 11