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| Need to Vent | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: 12 May 2015, 04:58 PM (234 Views) | |
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12 May 2015, 04:58 PM Post #1 |
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The Phantom Pegasus, Master of Cookies
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I really really really need to just vent my frustration and anger right now. I don't expect anyone to notice, care, or comment; this is just for some personal therapy. So the gist of it is that my life sucks ass. Major, hard, fucking ass. It's like; every time that something good happens in my life, something equally or even worse has to happen; as if some force is making sure that my life has a balance of mostly SUCK. Anyone whose read my character Syr's history pretty much has the gist of my own history. My stepfather is a major jackass who has pretty much made my life hell since he entered it when I was four years old. In addition to some mild physical abuse, he mentally and emotionally abused me, and continues to do so to this day. My mother, while never physically abusing me, was never around much when I was a kid and when she was around, it was to scold me for not being good enough or because I was in trouble for one thing or another. I spent most of my childhood and teenage years grounded; not allowed to go out of the house unless it was for school, work, or when I was little, my parents needed to go out of the house. Sometimes they would lock me in my room. Other times they would lock me OUT of my room and force me to sleep on the floor. I've never had much of a chance to make or keep friends, and I have major social and emotional problems because of my childhood. I was diagnosed by a psychologist last month with Asperger's, Major Depression, Anxiety, and Borderline Personality Disorder. I started going to therapy and went to a psychiatrist to get medicine to help with depression, mood swings, and my insomnia. Though things were slightly halted by a trip to the emergency room and then subsequent doctor visits and a surgery to remove a kidney stone that had gotten stuck, things were actually looking up. I had applied to the Zoo that is in the next city over from my town (though only 15 min away) a couple months ago. Then I received a call that they wanted to have me come in for an interview. I was, of course, excited. I had been out of a job since mid-March because my last job at a Dairy Queen had not worked out for me. I went in for the interview and it went really well. They called me and offered me the job, conditional on passing a drug test, which I of course passed, seeing as how I don't do that stuff. I got the job, the medications they had me on was working, and I really really loved the job. Working at the Zoo has been really fun so far. I love what I do, and I like my co-workers. Then today has to happen. I just... I don't know what to do anymore. My mom called my grandmother; since I've been staying with my grandparents, as my parents live in Vegas, which is a three-day drive from the town where I live. My mom started going off on my grandmother and then wanted to talk to me. She then started lecturing me about why I had quit college. Let me tell you something first, though: the college I was going to was a community college that she had gone to when she first started college. She knew the president of the college well because she had gotten a Presidential Scholarship. She had helped me in the process of receiving the scholarship myself, but at the beginning of college I was a mess. I hadn't been diagnosed or anything and I was entering a deep part of my depression. I couldn't keep my grades up, and it was hard to force myself to even go to class most of the time. I ended up loosing the scholarship, to my mother's embarrassment and horror. So she was pretty mad today when she started going into me. I had told her previously that I was going to quit college; apparently she had either not been listening or hadn't believed me. She accused me of not telling her and then proceeded to call me selfish, that she couldn't believe I was only thinking about myself. What about her and her relationship with Dr. Kinney? (the president of the college) Pretty much just going on and on about how I was an embarrassment to her. She then asked me why I had thought it was OK to quit college. I proceeded to tell her that it was my life and my choices, and my education. I also told her that college had not been working out for me and that I'd rather just go into the workforce than waste time and money trying something that I knew wasn't working for me. She then threatened me with taking me off her medical insurance and pushing $10,000 worth of psychologist, therapy, surgery, and doctor visits on me, if I wanted to make my own choices and choose my own life... I gave the phone back to my grandmother and proceeded to walk out of the house because I was so done listening to my mother blaming me and just... ugh..... So I drove around in my car for an hour before coming back and now I'm sitting in the basement writing this and just feeling so horrible about myself. You know, all my life I have tried to make my parents proud, or at least happy with me. I've bent over backward and tried and failed and tried and failed so many times. I've worn so many masks of who I thought my parents, my friends, my teachers wanted me to be that I don't even know who I am anymore. I've lost myself under all the masks and I just... I'm lost. :' ( |
![]() "Someday I'll find my thing... The thing that's all my own... That thing that makes me part of something, not just all alone... If only all this feeling, I had in my heart, could mean something to someone; how I'd love to play that part!" Orion Hyacinth D'Aramitz Alexa Ereignis
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12 May 2015, 06:36 PM Post #2 |
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Nooope
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For what it’s worth, I noticed this thread. ;v; And I’ll choose to comment. This is kinda long...
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![]() Sonak Paetdee Kian Conrad
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4 Jul 2015, 05:47 PM Post #3 |
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The Phantom Pegasus, Master of Cookies
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Need to vent again. You'll have to excuse any and all cursing, warning you now that I'm not in the best of moods so cursing will probably be often and not very nice. ....I hate everything sometimes, you know? I hate fucking holidays because of the hype and the stress surrounding them. They cause my family to run around like fucking chickens with their heads cut off, cleaning the house and getting under each other's feet, and then the day of the holiday it fucking sucks because everyone comes over, even if I've had a hard or stressful day at work and all I want to do is curl up on the couch and bury myself in my laptop, it doesn't allow me to do this. Even if I disappear downstairs I can still hear them all and I just fucking hate it. Also my fucking uncle thinks its funny to go downstairs and take a shit in MY bathroom EVERY time he comes over. it's fucking disgusting and I hate it. and when I discuss that I don't like this to my grandparents they just are like: "It's our house deal with it" which pisses me off to no end because I have no fucking choice but to live here because of shit and I just hate everything sometimes. Why can't my family be the least bit understanding of my disabilities? That was why we went to the psychologist: so that they could understand what was going on and try to work with me on it but I feel like all they do is expect me to do all the hard work of "FIXING" myself instead of trying to work with me on things that I can't even fucking help. I'll never be "FIXED". It's impossible. I'm too broken, for one thing. And some things can't be "FIXED". Like Aspergers. That's not something that will EVER go away. That's something that will be a part of me until the day I die. Same thing with my Borderline Personality Disorder. I can learn techniques that will help me deal with some of the things that come with these disorders, but I can't be "cured" or "fixed" of these disorders. Anxiety and Major Depression also don't just 'go away', even with medication -which I'm currently out of- these things don't just go away and will likely be with me for a long time, if not all my life. My grandmother has had depression herself for thirty years, so you would think she'd be a little understanding, but noooooooo. I fucking hate my life sometimes. And while I've not actively been feeling suicidal for a while, I still get those moments where this little voice in my head urges me to run out into traffic or "accidentally" drive my car over a bridge, and berates me every time I miss an opportunity to end it all and it just fucking sucks. I just... uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. To quote one of my favorite songs: "I just thought by now, maybe somehow, I'd at least be proud... of coming this far....." But... I'm not. All I can see is all I have ahead of me still and I get so discouraged. What am I supposed to do? Everything feels empty. Everything feels cold. Everything sucks. |
![]() "Someday I'll find my thing... The thing that's all my own... That thing that makes me part of something, not just all alone... If only all this feeling, I had in my heart, could mean something to someone; how I'd love to play that part!" Orion Hyacinth D'Aramitz Alexa Ereignis
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5 Jul 2015, 01:39 AM Post #4 |
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Although I might not be in your situation, I do feel the same way where as I hate everything right now. I've been literally been saying to myself multiple times in a day "I want to die".. I don't think about it anymore, I just say it now. so I guess I kind of understand how you feel in the regard to "I hate everything, everything sucks, life's a piece of shit" etc but looking through your posts it made me think. People are people and everyone is different, and as much as I don't wanna say this right now but... family members can be right cunts to each other, even mother and daughter. And being a little stereotypical and you might take offense to this but I don't mean too.. Females are kinda known to be a tad bitchy as of late, wouldn't you agree? A lot of their attitudes have become a lot worse than mens attitudes, your mom could just have a really shit attitude. My mums attitude is pretty terrible tbh I won't lie. Regarding your stuff in the bathroom and your uncle, I'd just say take everything of yours out of there. With everyone understanding your situation though next time you see the psychiatrist you could ask for a number to contact them on and then talk to them about the situation just you and them. Tell them that your family isn't understanding what's happening with you and they need too really, maybe if it came from them your family might listen a bit more. Your mother hasn't cut your off has she ? Still pays for the therapy and stuff right ? at least that's what I understood. That tells me she cares, and if you're using the $10,000 as a genuine number of what your care costs all together then... it's not like your mother hates you or anything. You know ? If she's doing this she obviously loves and cares. I'm honestly not sure what to say, I'm a listener not a talker but I thought I would try to help if I can. I hope everything get's better for you <3 |
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Louise Grimlock
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