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Rock Senzu
Topic Started: 30 Jul 2015, 12:15 PM (204 Views)
Posted Image TrubbishGuy
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Trainer Profile

Character Name: Rock Senzu

Nickname: "The Fighter"

Gender: Male

Age: 16

Trainer Class: Robo Groudon Blackbelt

Height: 5'11"

Weight: 140 Pounds

Hair Color & Style: Rock has black hair which is decently-sized in length, it is not 'long', nor is it 'short'. It comes out a bit past his head, and any time he does not have it held up by some kind of product, it hangs down as bangs.

Eyes: Rock has brown eyes, which are almond shaped. He has generic male eyelashes and eyebrows, nothing special.

Clothing/Accessories: Normally, Rock will wear nothing but black boots, black, baggy gym-shorts (with a white belt), and white gloves. Whenever he needs to, however, he has a Black and White boxing robe. This is all he wears, including during the winter, which can cause him to him being cold or getting sick, because he's not the smartest.

General Appearance:When one first looks at Rock, they easily could compare him to a boxer, even in body shape and tye. Rock is toned, and tan. He is a very muscular person, due to his constant need for self-improvement. His face is very fine and smooth, and he has a thin head. His chin has a cleft in it. Rock has no facial hair, or any extreme cases of body hair, as he keeps himself cleanly-shaven.

Rock always holds his head up high, and just like anyone when in a fight, he stands tall and strong. He carries over to when he's out of the arena, and he's always just as hyped up and excited.



Possible Page Break Image


Hometown: Kotoba City, East Godai

Personality: Rock is, in spirit, a fighter. Ever since he was growing up, he was taught that he could always improve himself both physically and mentally, and thus he always had (and continues to have) a will to better everything, and anything, about him. This is mainly his physical body, although he will also try improving himself if an issue arises (i.e. he needs to learn about something, thus he will study all night without sleeping). However, he's not as motivated when it comes to things that he actually needs, as in he'll never have a goal which is 'to get enough sleep/food/other need'. This can come as a distraction of sorts, because if Rock is overly determined to do something, he will forget about his needs, and often at times any responsibilities he has, and will not stop until he does it. This causes him to be late, or be weak/distracted due to lack of sleep/food/other things. Rock is also a very overall 'good' person, as anytime he can do something to help out, he always will try to. Rock's determination to improve himself can be temporarily stopped by someone being in danger, and he will switch his focus over to that. His determination to complete specific goals may also drive wedges in between his relationships with others, as he may at times isolate himself from people, and he will drive himself and his Pokemon to the limits and beyond when attempting to do something, which could either make-or-break their relationship, depending on the personality of the Pokemon. Those who try stopping Rock are normally just ignored, and Rock just shrugs off their concerns. Rock likes training, and seeing improvement. He also likes fighting, and martial arts (obviously). His hobbies are fighting, and he has an interest in Pokemon Breeding, because of his mother.

When it comes to winning and losing, he loves winning, and has a habit of being a bit braggy (although this will normally settle down). Whenever he loses, he does take it kindly, and will instead push himself to the limit to where he WILL win in the future, and won't stop until he believes he is strong enough to win.

History: Rock was born to two average people, his mother and mother both were small business owners in Kotoba town. He had a very positive relationship with his parents, and it was very standard. Rock went to school, and made friends and all just like everyone else, he was standard, and was treated like a standard kid. Ever since he was a child, Rock always had one intention though, and that was to be the best. With his mother having a side-interest in breeding, young Rock was surrounded with many baby Pokemon, and he grew a love of them. Whenever Rock was six years old, he grew interest in Pokemon battles, and even fights between normal people, which led to him becoming a student at a local dojo. Only two years after joining the dojo, the way of being a fighter took over his life, and he became obsessed with training himself to be better. At the age of twelve, six years into his training, Rock was entered into various local fighting competitions. He lost all of them. This caused him to have his first major goal, which would be to fight and win in one of these tournaments. He would train long days, and only eat after he's achieved certain goals (performing 200 Pushups), for example). Two years later, he won his first fighting tournament. This gave him a thrill, and he learned he loved not fighting, but improving himself and seeing his results. It was here that he discovered a boy his age, who was closely bonded to a fighting type Pokemon, and he was inspired by their relationship and he set his next major goal, which would be to obtain a Fighting Pokemon!

To do this, Rock took many local jobs to try and pay for one when he got back home. He was barely able to keep up his schedule with any schooling and training he wanted to do, although he did get a nice sum of cash to spend on a Pokemon. He also had made many friends in his local town, meeting all types of people and working with them. He still kept in touch with them as much as he could outside of work, and when he switched jobs. Only two weeks before his scheduled day to buy a Fighting Type Pokemon egg from a breeder, Rock's mother was injured, and his father grew very ill, causing there to be no work in his family, and medical bills were quite costly, so Rock used his money to pay for care for his mother and medicine for his father. With his father still ill, he had to work as the man in the house until his father could get better. Here, the people who he worked with at the jobs, trained with at the Dojo, and lived with as a community, saw his despair, and collected together spare money. On his sixteenth birthday, Rock was given two gifts, both from the town;s people. One was a large sum of money, collected by the entire community, and it was enough to pay for his father's medicine. The house bills would also be paid off by the townspeople until the father grew better. The second gift was a collection of items all standard Pokemon Trainers used, and a Timburr from the Dojo. Not even two full weeks later, he had said all of his goodbyes and was off, making sure to get everyone's info and promising to keep in contact. He would also be sure to return as a Pokemon Master, and show off in the future, as well as pay back the gift from the community.

Inventory

Dians: *dian* 1,000

Items:
Posted Image 5x Pokéball

Key Items:
Posted Image PokéDex
Posted Image Journal
Posted Image Holocaster
Trainer AdvancementAdvancement Points: 0
Tier 0:


Pokemon

Total EXP Gained: 0

Pokemon
Posted Image
Timburr
Caught at Level 5


Nickname: Tyson
Gender: Male
Type: Fighting
Ability: Sheer Force
Height: 2'0"
Weight: 27.6 lbs
Health: Intermediate
EXP Rate: Medium Slow
EXP Gauge: (6/8)
EXP Gained: 0
Level: 5
Division: D9
Total Stats: 50
  • Attack: 19 (38%)
  • Defense: 14 (27%)
  • Sp. Attack: 1
  • Sp. Defense: 6
  • Speed: 10

Vitamins Used: None
Moveset:
1. Leer
1. Pound
4. Focus Energy

Unique Moves:
-
-
-
-
Item:


PC Box: Stored Pokemon


Journal

Adventure Log
 
Adventure Log goes in here
Edited by TrubbishGuy, 11 Aug 2015, 02:25 PM.
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Posted Image Wremn
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Blerrraaaugh -fire-

Greetings, Trubbishguy!

Thank you for your patience. Sorry that a moderator was not able to get to your profile sooner (a majority of us are on vacation :P). So, I hope you do enjoy yourself in the meanwhile and I hope for you to get your character up and running so you can RP soon enough. ^^ Everything looks quite good already, so let's begin!

  • Make sure your height is 5'11"

  • His eyes could use more detail. For example, are they almond shaped? How about his eyebrows/eyelashes?

  • I'm sure that Rock wears much more than his boxing robe. It's Winter in Godai so describe his Winter attire. He also must have other clothes that he wears in public. If I'm wrong, then just state so in the profile.

  • Before I continue, you should also utilize proper spacing (inbetween paragraphs and sections) throughout your profile. It makes it much easier to read and look more professional

  • Expand on his General Appearance. How does he carry himself? How does he appear to others when he's in the arena vs when he's out of the arena? What else does a person notice when they first see Rock?

  • Alright. Onto Personality. What you have is good, but there is a lot of "Why's" you can answer in your description. You speak about Rock's drive to continue to better himself in everything. But everything is a very vague term. What aspects of his life does he strive to improve? What topics could he care less about? How does this drive affect his relationships with others, people and pokemon alike? After you describe his likes, what about his favorite hobbies does he find satisfying? I can only assume that he loves his martial arts. How does he feel about victory? About defeat? How does he overcome adversity and those who don't want him to neglect himself? So many questions to answer and when you do flesh it out, it will make him a much more rounded character.


  • You History could use just as much elaboration. But you already formed a great foundation for you character, so I applaud you for the work you put into it. We just need to put in a bit more work to make it better.

    First of all, it helps to proofread your writing. You spelled fighter 'fightert', and one of the sentences was an incredibly long run-on sentence. Aside from that, I want to start from Rock's childhood. How was his relationship with his parents when he was young? Did Rock ever go to school? How was his history of social interactions? Did he ever go to school, and how was he accepted by other individuals his age and above? When he suffered his first loss, what did Rock change about himself to improve himself? How did the dynamic in his house change? How did Rock feel about winning his first tournament? As you can see, it's not enough to state events, but if you spend another sentence describing how it changed and affected Rock, it would definitely help.

    As for the second paragraph, just follow the same procedure. After every sentence, describe how the event affected Rock. Since he is still a developing young man, i'm sure that every job, gift and farewell did much to affect his person. And if he did receive such money from the community, it would only make sense to describe his influence on the community and the dojo, since the gift seems very random at the moment an not plausible because of the lack of description.

  • Moving on to your Pokemon Profile~
    • Make sure you fix the image
    • His height is also missing the second half (2'0" is the proper way to write it)
    • His Exp gained should be 0


Alrighty! I sure hope my comments didn't scare you. Believe me, I had to go through the same process, so I know how much more work it looks, but we all want practice to make ourselves better, right? Thanks again for being so patient! I put alot of effort in my response, so it would help if you respond here when you've made your changes. ^^
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Characters
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Posted Image TrubbishGuy
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Version 2 is up. ^.^
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Posted Image Wremn
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Blerrraaaugh -fire-

Alrighty, Trubbish! I can see the edits you've made, but we still have a little more to work on to get Rock to tippy top shape.

Let's get to it!

  • Add a little more detail to his clothes. Include texture and the cloth material if possible. Since he only has one outfit, it must have some wear and tear in it, so add that in too. It also says he just wears "black". Socks, belt? Idk the missing word there. Does his bathrobe and attire also have any logos of sorts? Maybe his name embroidered on the back or a family crest?

  • As for General Appearance, what about Rock's build resembles a boxer? Is it his broad shoulders, toned biceps, or does he pride himself in his calves and agility? Describe how his facial features affect his overall appearance. Does his nose protrude? Does his hair cover one eye and make him look intimidating? Does he have a dorky grin or dazzling pearly whites? What does 'carrying himself' look like? Does he stand on his toes, or stand with his arms crossed? What changes about him when he is hyped as opposed to what he normally looks like?

  • Personality: This is much better, but I recommend you proofread and keep an eye out for run-on sentences. In terms of grammar, you can eliminate all the forward slashes (/) by using semi colons and commas for lists; use conjunctions to eliminate for your parentheses; and over all, break your sentences down to shorter, concise clauses.

    As for the actual personality, explain to me how Rock's mindset affects his temperament. I love his go-getter mindset, but how does this appear to others? Is he determined to the point that he appears narrow-minded? How intelligent is Rock, and how does he approach setbacks? Is there a specific memory that keeps him going, and fuels his determination? "This causes him to be late, or be weak/distracted due to lack of sleep/food/other things.", does Rock strive to improve this aspect of him too, or does he struggle to see that he is lacking in this part of himself.

    As for the second paragraph, describe his victory habits. Does he have a victory dance of sorts? How big is his ego, and does he believe more in talent or hard work? And what are his favorite ways of exercising discipline and self-improvement?

  • Historu: The best way you can enhance his history is to provide specific instances where Rock bonded with the community. What moved them to bunch up their money and give it to Rock? How did his relationships with his parents, dojo master, and competition develop him and cause him to grow?


And I apologize greatly for this critique being rather abrupt, but adding more detail about Rock's relationships and moments of personal growth and victory will make your profile much more rounder. You put so much work into his profile already. Respond here when you've made your edits! Thanks for your patience.
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