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| Jokes For Today; The Love Dress | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Mar 31 2007, 12:24 PM (900 Views) | |
| usonofabitch | Mar 31 2007, 12:24 PM Post #1 |
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A woman stopped by unnanounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediatley walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in- law laying on the couch totally naked. Soft music was playing , and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work,"the daughter-in-law answered" But you naked the mother-in-law exclaimed! "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? but your naked!" "Justin loves me to wear this dress," she explained. Every time he see's me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours. The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch for her husband to arrive. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there provocatively. "What are you doing he asked?" "This is my love dress" she whispered sensually. "Needs ironing," he said, What's for tea? :lol: :lol: :lol: |
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| Rob | Mar 31 2007, 03:08 PM Post #2 |
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*** Breaking News *** Pakistan have replaced Bob Woolmer as coach of pakistan with Gladstone Small. Like to see em strangle that fecker
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| Rob | Mar 31 2007, 03:10 PM Post #3 |
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they have also given up cricket in favour of bob sleighing :lol: |
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| usonofabitch | Mar 31 2007, 08:24 PM Post #4 |
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:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: |
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| usonofabitch | Mar 31 2007, 08:40 PM Post #5 |
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A man went in the pub for a drink and the most beautiful girl ever walked in gave him the eye came over and started chatting him up, after a while the girl started to get suggestive and said to the man "Give me £30.00 and i will do any thing" as long as you can describe it in three words, so the man reached for his wallet immediately and counted out three crisp ten pound notes, looking very chuffed with her self the girl asked the man what his desires were, and in thre words exactly he said "Paint My House"
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| "Av it" | Apr 1 2007, 03:05 PM Post #6 |
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[size=7]PHARMACY NOTIFICATION........ As of March 2007 viagra will only be available under its chemical name, please ask your chemist for mycoxaflopin. [/size] [size=7]A wife moans to her husband, "A bull can manage sex 365 days a year!" Husband replies, " Yes but it doesnt have to shag the same cow every day" [/size] [size=7]Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet. The nun who is driving says to the other, "Quick! Show him your cross." So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Get off our f*cking car."[/size] [size=7]How do you kill an entire circus? Go for the juggler [/size] [size=7]A girl is standing at The Gates Of Heaven when she hears horrible screams of pain and torture coming from inside. She says to St. Peter, "What's going on?" He says, "That's the sound of new angels getting big holes drilled into their backs for their wings, and small holes drilled into their heads for their halos." She says, "Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe I'd rather go to Hell." St. Peter says, "In Hell, you'll be constantly raped and sodomized." She says, "That's okay. I've already got holes for that." [/size] [size=7]What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats? Cowboy hats are for ass holes.[/size] [size=7]A guy sits down in a Cafe' and asks for the hot chile. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl." So, he gets a cup of coffee. Then he sees that the guy next to him has finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?" The other guy says, "No. You can have it." The guy takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, he sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too." How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex? One of his fingers is clean.[/size] |
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| usonofabitch | Apr 2 2007, 04:43 PM Post #7 |
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| usonofabitch | Apr 2 2007, 05:15 PM Post #8 |
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A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger. She asks if she can have a bath but the woman of the house told her they did'nt have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. "Thursdays are the best night, when my husband goes out to play snooker." she said. So the girl agreed to have a bath the following thursday.After her husband had gone to the pub for his snooker match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass did'nt have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home. He did'nt believe her so she said,"Next week i will leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself". The following monday, while the girl again got undresed, the wife asked "Do you shave?" "No," said the girl, "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs? "Oh yes", said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy mooff. When the husband got back in, she asked"Did you see?","Yes" he said, "but why the hell did you have to show yours?" "Why ,she said you've seen it all before" "I know, he said, "but the f**king snooker team had'nt!!!" topical as well
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| old dog | Apr 2 2007, 07:25 PM Post #9 |
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a little girl goes to the barbers with her dad and stands next to the barbers chair eating a cake while her dad has a hair cut the barber smiles at her and says youre going to get hair on your muffin she says i know and im going to get tits too you dirty old bastard !!!!!! a man out driving kills a deer and takes it home and cooks it for dinner but does not tell the kids what it is he tells them i ll give you a clue its what mum calls me sometime the little girl screams out loud dont eat it its a fecking arsehole !!!!!! |
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| Rob | Apr 2 2007, 08:46 PM Post #10 |
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| Rob | Apr 2 2007, 08:59 PM Post #11 |
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| Rob | Apr 2 2007, 09:03 PM Post #12 |
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probably the best one :lol: |
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| Rob | Apr 2 2007, 09:09 PM Post #13 |
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last one.....
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| usonofabitch | Apr 2 2007, 10:49 PM Post #14 |
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Rob feckin love em :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: |
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| Rob | Apr 3 2007, 04:30 PM Post #15 |
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one more
:lol:
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| usonofabitch | Apr 3 2007, 05:33 PM Post #16 |
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Husband and wife in bed together. She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder. She says "Oh that feels good". His hand moves to her breast. She says "Gee, honey that feels wounderful" His hand moves to her leg. She says "Oh, honey, dont stop." But he stops. She asks,"Why did you stop?" He replies. "I've found the remote" :lol: :lol: |
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| usonofabitch | Apr 3 2007, 05:40 PM Post #17 |
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What goes; "CLICK- is that it? CLICK- is that it? CLICK- is that it?" A blind person with a Rubixs cube.
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| usonofabitch | Apr 3 2007, 05:50 PM Post #18 |
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A father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It was addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:- Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you, but I'm leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Wayne because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mum. I've been finding real passion with Wayne and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too - even with all his piercings, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and Wayne said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together. Even though Wayne is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so old these days is it?), and has no money, really these things shouldn't stand in the way of our relationship, don't you agree? Wayne has a great CD collection; he has use of a caravan on the old farm and has a load of old firewood for the whole winter. It's true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Wayne taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Wayne can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren. Your loving daughter, Rosie. At the bottom of the page were the letters "PTO". Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read: PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my school report that's in my desk centre drawer. Please sign it and phone when it is safe for me to come home. I love you! |
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| Rob | Apr 4 2007, 08:56 AM Post #19 |
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:lol: nice one nick :lol: |
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| usonofabitch | Apr 4 2007, 05:34 PM Post #20 |
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A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo she took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in the United States." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality. " Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?" Well," she explained, one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish." Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even know your name! Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos. But my friends call me Paddy." |
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1:29 AM Jul 11