Welcome Guest [Log In] [Register]
Welcome to Prestwich Snooker. We hope you enjoy your visit.


You're currently viewing our forum as a guest. This means you are limited to certain areas of the board and there are some features you can't use. If you join our community, you'll be able to access member-only sections, and use many member-only features such as customizing your profile, sending personal messages, and voting in polls. Registration is simple, fast, and completely free.


Join our community!


If you're already a member please log in to your account to access all of our features:

Username:   Password:
Add Reply
Jokes For Today; The Love Dress
Topic Started: Mar 31 2007, 12:24 PM (900 Views)
usonofabitch
Member Avatar

Members
A woman stopped by unnanounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediatley walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in- law laying on the couch totally naked.
Soft music was playing , and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work,"the daughter-in-law answered"
But you naked the mother-in-law exclaimed!
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? but your naked!"
"Justin loves me to wear this dress," she explained.
Every time he see's me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.
The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch for her husband to arrive.
Finally her husband came home.
He walked in and saw her laying there provocatively.
"What are you doing he asked?"
"This is my love dress" she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said, What's for tea? :lol: :lol: :lol:
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Rob
Member Avatar

Members
*** Breaking News ***

Pakistan have replaced Bob Woolmer as coach of pakistan with Gladstone Small.




Like to see em strangle that fecker :)
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Rob
Member Avatar

Members
they have also given up cricket in favour of bob sleighing :lol:
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
usonofabitch
Member Avatar

Members
Rob
Mar 31 2007, 02:08 PM
*** Breaking News ***

Pakistan have replaced Bob Woolmer as coach of pakistan with Gladstone Small.




Like to see em strangle that fecker :)

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
usonofabitch
Member Avatar

Members
A man went in the pub for a drink and the most beautiful girl ever walked in gave him the eye came over and started chatting him up, after a while the girl started to get suggestive and said to the man "Give me £30.00 and i will do any thing" as long as you can describe it in three words, so the man reached for his wallet immediately and counted out three crisp ten pound notes, looking very chuffed with her self the girl asked the man what his desires were, and in thre words exactly he said "Paint My House" :D :D
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
"Av it"
Member Avatar

Members
[size=7]PHARMACY NOTIFICATION........ As of March 2007 viagra will only be available under its chemical name, please ask your chemist for mycoxaflopin. [/size]

[size=7]A wife moans to her husband, "A bull can manage sex 365 days a year!" Husband replies, " Yes but it doesnt have to shag the same cow every day" [/size]

[size=7]Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet.
The nun who is driving says to the other, "Quick! Show him your cross."
So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Get off our f*cking car."[/size]


[size=7]How do you kill an entire circus? Go for the juggler [/size]

[size=7]A girl is standing at The Gates Of Heaven when she hears horrible screams of pain and torture coming from inside.
She says to St. Peter, "What's going on?"
He says, "That's the sound of new angels getting big holes drilled into their backs for their wings, and small holes drilled into their heads for their halos."
She says, "Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe I'd rather go to Hell."
St. Peter says, "In Hell, you'll be constantly raped and sodomized."
She says, "That's okay. I've already got holes for that." [/size]


[size=7]What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats? Cowboy hats are for ass holes.[/size]

[size=7]A guy sits down in a Cafe' and asks for the hot chile. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
So, he gets a cup of coffee. Then he sees that the guy next to him has finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. You can have it."
The guy takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, he sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."

How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex? One of his fingers is clean.[/size]



Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
usonofabitch
Member Avatar

Members
"Av it",Apr 1 2007
02:05 PM
[size=7]PHARMACY NOTIFICATION........ As of March 2007 viagra will only be available under its chemical name, please ask your chemist for mycoxaflopin. [/size]

[size=7]A wife moans to her husband, "A bull can manage sex 365 days a year!" Husband replies, " Yes but it doesnt have to shag the same cow every day" [/size]

[size=7]Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet.
The nun who is driving says to the other, "Quick! Show him your cross."
So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Get off our f*cking car."[/size]


[size=7]How do you kill an entire circus? Go for the juggler [/size]

[size=7]A girl is standing at The Gates Of Heaven when she hears horrible screams of pain and torture coming from inside.
She says to St. Peter, "What's going on?"
He says, "That's the sound of new angels getting big holes drilled into their backs for their wings, and small holes drilled into their heads for their halos."
She says, "Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe I'd rather go to Hell."
St. Peter says, "In Hell, you'll be constantly raped and sodomized."
She says, "That's okay. I've already got holes for that." [/size]


[size=7]What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats? Cowboy hats are for ass holes.[/size]

[size=7]A guy sits down in a Cafe' and asks for the hot chile. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
So, he gets a cup of coffee. Then he sees that the guy next to him has finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. You can have it."
The guy takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, he sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."

How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex? One of his fingers is clean.[/size]

Very good AV-IT would expect the standard to be high off you, i do like the machanic one :lol: :lol: :lol: .

A Dustman knocks on a Japanese mans door.
The Jap say's" Harro, wot u want?"
Dustman asks "Where's your bin?"
"I bin on loo" say's Jap
No mate, Where's ur dustbin?
"I dust bin on loo" say's jap
"No, no mate where's ur wheelie bin?"
"Hokay, I wheelie bin having a w@nk"
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
usonofabitch
Member Avatar

Members
A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger. She asks if she can have a bath but the woman of the house told her they did'nt have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Thursdays are the best night, when my husband goes out to play snooker." she said.
So the girl agreed to have a bath the following thursday.After her husband had gone to the pub for his snooker match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass did'nt have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home.
He did'nt believe her so she said,"Next week i will leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself".
The following monday, while the girl again got undresed, the wife asked "Do you shave?"
"No," said the girl, "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?
"Oh yes", said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy mooff.
When the husband got back in, she asked"Did you see?","Yes" he said, "but why the hell did you have to show yours?"
"Why ,she said you've seen it all before"
"I know, he said, "but the f**king snooker team had'nt!!!" ;)

topical as well B) B) B)
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
old dog
No Avatar

Members
a little girl goes to the barbers with her dad and stands next to the barbers chair eating a cake while her dad has a hair cut the barber smiles at her and says

youre going to get hair on your muffin

she says i know and im going to get tits too you dirty old bastard !!!!!!


a man out driving kills a deer and takes it home and cooks it for dinner
but does not tell the kids what it is
he tells them i ll give you a clue
its what mum calls me sometime

the little girl screams out loud

dont eat it its a fecking arsehole !!!!!!
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Rob
Member Avatar

Members
Code:
 
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."  

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"



Code:
 
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'


Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Rob
Member Avatar

Members
Code:
 
A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.

'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get £400 a night for what I give you for free!

'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.

The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on £800 a year!'


Code:
 
An old man hobbles into a doctors surgery and is asked by the receptionist "what seems to be the problem sir"..

"I got a problem with me cock" says the old man.

Shocked, the receptionist tells him that he should use a bit more decorum when talking about his problem.
"Perhaps you could be a little more discreet as there are women and children in the surgery whom you may offend".

"OK" Says the old man, "in that case I have a problem with me ear".

Thats better says the receptionist "and what seems to be the problem with your ear"?

"I can't piss out of it" says the old man..



Code:
 
On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light. Next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike.

The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you've got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid said, "Yeah."

The cop said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike." The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid took the ticket, but before he rode off he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."


Code:
 
The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were "protecting."

Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job.

If he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000.

He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place.

The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends someo of their hoods after the deaf collector.

The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is.

The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.

The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is."

The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"

The deaf man replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."

The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "Now ask him where the money is!"

The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"

The deaf man replies, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park."

The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."


Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Rob
Member Avatar

Members
Quote:
 
The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word " definitely " in a sentence.

Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"

The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"

To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely sh*t  my pants".


probably the best one :lol:
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Rob
Member Avatar

Members
last one.....

Quote:
 
Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "feck." It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love and hate. In language, "feck" falls into many grammatical categories.

It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fecked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fecked by John). It can be an action verb (John really gives a feck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a feck), an adverb (Mary is fecking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific feck). It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fecking beautiful) or an interjection (feck! I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, feck she's also stupid).

As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "feck". Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:

1. Greetings "How the feck are ya?"
2. Fraud "I got fecked by the car dealer."
3. Resignation "Oh, feck it!"
4. Trouble "I guess I'm fecked now."
5. Aggression "feck YOU!"
6. Disgust "feck me."
7. Confusion "What the feck.......?"
8. Difficulty "I don't understand this fecking business!"
9. Despair "fecked again..."
10. Pleasure "I fecking couldn't be happier."
11. Displeasure "What the feck is going on here?"
12. Lost "Where the feck are we."
13. Disbelief "UNfeckINGBELIEVABLE!"
14. Retaliation "Up your fecking ass!"
15. Denial "I didn't fecking do it."
16. Perplexity "I know feck all about it."
17. Apathy "Who really gives a feck, anyhow?"
18. Greetings "How the feck are ya?"
19. Suspicion "Who the feck are you?"
20. Panic "Let's get the feck out of here."
21. Directions "feck off."
22. Disbelief "How the feck did you do that?"

It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a fecking asshole."
It can be used to tell time- "It's five fecking thirty."
It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this fecking job?"
It can be maternal- "Motherfecker."
It can be political- "feck D an Quayle!"


It has also been used by many notable people throughout history: "What the feck was that?" Mayor of Hiroshima
" Where did all these fecking Indians come from?" General Custer
"Where the feck is all this water coming from?" Captain of the Titanic
"Thats not a real fecking gun." John Lennon
"Who's gonna fecking find out?" Richard Nixon
"Heads are going to fecking roll." Anne Boleyn
"Let the fecking woman drive." Commander of Space Shuttle "Challenger"
"What fecking map?" Mark Thatcher
"Any fecking idiot could understand that." Albert Einstein
"It does so fecking look like her!" Picasso
"How the feck did you work that out?" Pythagoras
"You want what on the fecking ceiling?" Michaelangelo
"feck a duck." Walt Disney
"Why?- Because its fecking there!" Edmund Hilary
"I don't suppose its gonna fecking rain?" Joan of Arc
"Scattered fecking showers my ass." Noah
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
usonofabitch
Member Avatar

Members
Rob feckin love em :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Rob
Member Avatar

Members
one more

Quote:
 
THE WEDDING TEST
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating
for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger
sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts,
and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near
me, and I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone
else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations.

She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings
and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted
me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild
fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I
stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the
front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very
happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man
for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

And the moral of this story is...........



















Always keep your condoms in your car



;) :lol:
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
usonofabitch
Member Avatar

Members
Husband and wife in bed together.

She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.

She says "Oh that feels good".

His hand moves to her breast.

She says "Gee, honey that feels wounderful"

His hand moves to her leg.

She says "Oh, honey, dont stop."

But he stops.

She asks,"Why did you stop?"

He replies. "I've found the remote"

:lol: :lol:
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
usonofabitch
Member Avatar

Members
What goes; "CLICK- is that it? CLICK- is that it? CLICK- is that it?"


A blind person with a Rubixs cube.





B) B) B)
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
usonofabitch
Member Avatar

Members
A father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It was addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:-

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you, but I'm leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Wayne because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mum. I've been finding real passion with Wayne and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too - even with all his piercings, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes.
But it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and Wayne said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together. Even though Wayne is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so old these days is it?), and has no money, really these things shouldn't stand in the way of our relationship, don't you agree?

Wayne has a great CD collection; he has use of a caravan on the old farm and has a load of old firewood for the whole winter. It's true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.

Wayne taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Wayne can get better; he sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter,

Rosie.

At the bottom of the page were the letters "PTO". Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read:

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my school report that's in my desk centre drawer. Please sign it and phone when it is safe for me to come home. I love you!
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Rob
Member Avatar

Members
:lol: nice one nick :lol:
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
usonofabitch
Member Avatar

Members
A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He realized she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo she took the seat right beside him.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in the United States."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded.

"I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.

" Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

Well," she explained, one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.

We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed.

"I'm sorry," she said.

I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even know your name!

Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos.
But my friends call me Paddy."
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
ZetaBoards - Free Forum Hosting
Create your own social network with a free forum.
Learn More · Register for Free
Go to Next Page
« Previous Topic · General Chat · Next Topic »
Add Reply