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Jokes For Today; The Love Dress
Topic Started: Mar 31 2007, 12:24 PM (899 Views)
old dog
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i was havin a bit of trouble with her indoors

so i brought home a vibrating vagina

and threw it at her

she says what do you want me to do with that ?????







i said teach it to cook and iron and f**k off !!!!!!!
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MarkP
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Joey Barton sobbed uncontrollably today at the news of the World Cup hero's death.
He's always had trouble with dead ball situations......
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usonofabitch
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A man is sitting reading his newspaper when the wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" he asks. "That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pockets with the name Mary Ellen written on it," she replies.

"Don't be silly," he says, "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on.

" She seems satisfied and at this, she apologizes.

Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.

When he comes around, he asks again, "what was that for?!" She responded,

"Your f #cking horse phoned."
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usonofabitch
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Bloke with no arms or legs is lying on a beach

3 fit young women walk up to him.1st one asks him have you ever been kissed?
Bloke says no so she gives him the wettest kiss he's ever had

2nd one asks if he's ever been hugged
Bloke says no so she gives him the biggest hug ever

3rd one asks have you ever been fuŁ$ed.
Bloke says no

She replies you will be because the tides coming in in 10 minutes :lol: :lol:
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usonofabitch
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A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he decided to go to the doctor.

He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day, the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.

At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position.

The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Not that well ... when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!" :lol: :lol: :lol:
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usonofabitch
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A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up." :o :o :o
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usonofabitch
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A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little MARK.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little MARK says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little MARK replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."


LITTLE MARK ON MATH

Little MARK returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic

"Why?" asks the father?

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies MARK.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the f@cking difference?" asks the father

"That's what I said!"



LITTLE MARK ON ENGLISH

Little MARK goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

MARK says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little MARK, that's a mouthful."

Little MARK says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow job."



LITTLE MARK ON GRAMMAR

Little MARK was sitting in class one day.

All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out,

"Miss Jones I need to take a p***!!"

The teacher replied, 'Now, MARK, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-I-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little MARK, thinks for a bit, and then says, "you're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"



LITTLE MARK ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little MARK.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f@cking beautiful!'"



LITTLE MARK ON GETTING OLDER

Little MARK was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said,

"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little MARK replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little MARK answered, "No, he minded his own f@cking business B) B) B)
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