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| Tweet Topic Started: Oct 5 2007, 11:25 AM (255 Views) | |
| MarkP | Oct 5 2007, 11:25 AM Post #1 |
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The Button Pusher
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A few gags to relieve the boredom..... The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their threat level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." There is some concern that things will worsen and security levels will rapidly be raised yet again to "irritated" or even "a Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the 1940 blitz when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "a Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666. On the continent, the French government announced yesterday it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." In order to understand how serious this is to the French, the only two higher levels are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It is not only the English and French that are on a heightened alert level. A normally reliable source in Italy informs us that the alert level there has increased from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." The two remaining higher alert states are "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." In formerly militaristic Germany, the alert status has been raised from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Put on Your Best Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." Once again, the only two remaining alert levels are "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose." In Belgium, on the other hand, they are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat which captures their attention is worry that NATO might pull out of Brussels. Returning briefly to Italy, the Italians are excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Italian Navy can get a good look at the old Italian Navy. ------------------------------------------ Paddy was fired from his job with HM Prison service for refusing to service the electric chair. In his considered opinion, it was a death trap...... ------------------------------------ Bill and Ben the Flowerpot Men are having a bath. Bill says, "flob a lob a lob" Ben says, "Ewww, that stinks" -------------------------- Sammy Lee is queuing in his local building society, when a gunman bursts in through the door demanding money. Sammy attempts to tackle the raider, but gets knocked over...as he falls, his head smashes the counter and he is out cold. The robber escapes and the cashier tries to revive Sammy. After a few minutes he comes round and looks bewildered. His first words are "Where the hell am I?". The Cashier replies: "don't worry, its ok, you're in the Nationwide." Bruce replies, "Blimey, is it May already?" ---------------------------- A little boy took his parents to court because he did not want to live with them anymore. The honored judge said to him "So why don't you want to live with your dad?" "Because he beats me" said the little boy. "Why don't you want to live with your mum then?" asked the judge. Because she beats me aswell. "Oh" said the judge "Well who would you like to live with then?" The little boy replied" I would like to live with Bury FC, because they don't beat anyone!!" -------------------- A bloke goes into Manchester International Airport and manages to eventually get into the departure lounge where his flight home is being called. All around him there are overturned tables, smashed windows, computer terminals broken, upturned chairs and crowd control barriers lying on the floor. "Christ, what's happened here?" he asks one of the ground crew. "Oh yeah...", the airport worker replies "Absolutely hopeless .... we had the City players in here this morning filming the new Nike ad". -------------------- Why shouldn't you run over a Scouser when he's riding a bike? It's probably your bike -------------------- Martin Jol walks out of his local shopping centre and see's an old lady walking across the parking area with her bags. Jol approaches the lady - "Can you manage?" He asked, the lady replied: "You got into this mess, you get us out!" --------------------- Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "How on earth do you drive this thing?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Never take the mickey out of a dyslexic dwarf. It's not big and it's not clever! ---------------------------------------------- A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving." ------------------------------- This day holds a lot of meaning for me. It was on this day two years ago that I lost my dear wife. I will never forget that game of cards... ----------------------------- Don't be sexist. Birds hate that! ---------------------------- Morris and his wife Esther went to the seaside every year, and every year Morris would watch the helicopter giving pleasure flights and say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter." Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid." One year Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance." To this, Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter ride is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid." The pilot happened to be walking by and overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty quid." Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!" Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but as you know, fifty quid is fifty quid." --------------------------- A Scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said "Hi, I'm looking for a job". The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year". The Scouser said "You're kidding me!" The man behind the counter said "Well you started it!" -------------------------- Irishman walks into petshop Irishman: "You have any goldfish?" Man behind counter: "You want a aquarium?" Irishman: "I dont care what star sign it is! ----------------------------- Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30. ------------------------------- I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent." -------------------------------- I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver. -------------------------------- Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand." ------------------------------- I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on. --------------------------------- I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest" ----------------------------- I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar". I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin". ------------------------------- There has been a security alert in London........a possible attack as a LOUD bang was heard. The Government have just confirmed that it was only Chelsea's bubble bursting |
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| BrianMoxon | Oct 8 2007, 10:56 AM Post #2 |
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We'll have to start calling you the new "Drinky" |
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| MarkP | Oct 8 2007, 11:07 AM Post #3 |
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The Button Pusher
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Come off it, at least two of those were funny
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| MarkP | Nov 15 2007, 02:46 PM Post #4 |
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The Button Pusher
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A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and h e will l have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack." Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good. Male readers: Please scroll down. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife . Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!! |
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| MarkP | Nov 15 2007, 02:53 PM Post #5 |
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The Button Pusher
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Upon hearing the doorbell, I opened my front door and was promptly swore at and punched in the face by a 6 foot tall earwig. I'd heard there's a nasty bug going round..... |
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| MarkP | Nov 19 2007, 11:49 AM Post #6 |
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The Button Pusher
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Cops in Alabama have found a negro nailed to a tree. He had six bullet wounds to his head, his throat was cut and his body was badly burnt. The local sheriff admitted it's the worst suicide he has ever seen. |
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| BZRK | Nov 19 2007, 01:50 PM Post #7 |
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A touch racist for a public site Marky Boy |
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| MarkP | Nov 19 2007, 02:33 PM Post #8 |
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The Button Pusher
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I'd consider it more a representation of society within that particular geodemographic.
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1:28 AM Jul 11