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| Tweet Topic Started: Oct 7 2009, 06:07 PM (686 Views) | |
| old dog | Oct 7 2009, 06:07 PM Post #1 |
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Prince Charles decided to take up jogging. Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow. "One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb. "No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up. This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Five pounds!" One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her 'husband' on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realized she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his Wife. As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past. Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled: "See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?!" |
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| old dog | Nov 3 2009, 07:31 PM Post #2 |
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The perfect man and woman ! CLICK HERE sorry this didnt work Edited by old dog, Nov 3 2009, 07:32 PM.
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| old dog | Nov 7 2009, 06:19 PM Post #3 |
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An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. 'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds'. When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs. 'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?. The Irishman nodded... 'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day'. 'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor. 'No, from the f**kin' skippin!' |
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| old dog | Nov 10 2009, 05:46 PM Post #4 |
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The $2 pencil... The value of a Catholic education and a $2 pencil (this is too cute)!....You don't even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one. Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School .. Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?' When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. 'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun said, ' Very good ' and continued teaching her class. A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord and Saviour?' But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt with the pencil. Jesus Christ !!!' shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep. The Nun asked her a third question... What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child? ' Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that f***#@^ thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!' The nun fainted. |
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| old dog | Nov 21 2009, 02:57 PM Post #5 |
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All Seniors Aren't Senile!!! An older, white haired man walked into a Jewelry store one Friday evening with a Beautiful young thing at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.' At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000' the jeweler said.. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.' The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said. Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man.. 'There's no money in that account.' 'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend...' |
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| old dog | Nov 21 2009, 03:08 PM Post #6 |
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A couple were invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." - "Did you dance much ?" - "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to..... |
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| old dog | Nov 22 2009, 02:09 PM Post #7 |
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Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles,Turner Brown." The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around" |
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| old dog | Nov 23 2009, 08:07 PM Post #8 |
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The Vicar's Salary At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular. Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Salford and Oldham, stands up and proclaims: 'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Ford every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!' The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds. Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, 'If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!' More sighs and loud applause. Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.' There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her: 'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?' Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies: 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'F**k him'. |
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| old dog | Nov 23 2009, 08:11 PM Post #9 |
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Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married.... If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humour. The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT! The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh f**k.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted. |
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| old dog | Dec 12 2009, 10:25 AM Post #10 |
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A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.' 'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?' His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, Stare at myself and repeat, ' I do not have a headache ' ' I do not have a headache ' ' I do not have a headache ' Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.' Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband. His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that? ' Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.' He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!' The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.' He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning ' OH MY GOSH ' She proclaims. Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.' With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying. 'She's not my wife ' 'She's not my wife ' 'She's not my wife ' . 'She's not my wife ' His funeral service will be held on Saturday. |
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| old dog | Dec 12 2009, 10:35 AM Post #11 |
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Scouts Camping Trip Dear Mum, Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened. Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works. Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file? I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent. |
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| Neversaydie | Dec 12 2009, 06:03 PM Post #12 |
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Edited by Neversaydie, Dec 12 2009, 06:05 PM.
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| old dog | Dec 23 2009, 01:14 PM Post #13 |
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The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "May I help you sir?" she asked.. "I want to see Valerie," the man replied. "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam. "No, I must see Valerie," he replied. Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still £5000. Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The man replied, " Edinburgh " "Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ." "I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person." The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain: 1. Death 2. Taxes 3. Being screwed by a lawyer |
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| old dog | Dec 23 2009, 01:21 PM Post #14 |
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LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH'S A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little Ralphy. He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.' The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..' Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?' The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.' To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.' LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2) Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. 'Why?' asks the father? 'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6' , replies RALPHY. 'But that's right!' says his dad. 'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'' 'What's the f... is the difference?' asks the father. 'That's what I said!' LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?' RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate..' Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.' Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.' LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.' Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.' The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?' Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business. I LOVE Little RALPHY!!!!! |
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| old dog | Dec 23 2009, 01:25 PM Post #15 |
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Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Let's see Now.... No Jesus No Christmas No television No cheerleaders No Nude Women No car races No football No soccer No pork BBQ No hot dogs No burgers No chocolate chip cookies No lobster No nachos No Beer nuts No Beer !!!!!!!! Rags for clothes and towels for hats. Constant wailing from the guy in the tower. More than one wife. You can't shave Your wives can't shave. You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung. Your bride is picked by someone else. She smells just like your donkey. Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better! I mean, really, is there a mystery here? |
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| old dog | Dec 23 2009, 01:42 PM Post #16 |
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How Fights Start My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started... ****************************************** My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And then the fight started.... ****************************************** Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started... ****************************************** I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!" So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?" And then the fight started..... ***************************************** My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started... ****************************************** When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station. And then the fight started... ****************************************** After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.' And then the fight started... ****************************************** My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started... ****************************************** I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, very rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"" Nah, she can order for herself." And then the fight started... ****************************************** A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' And then the fight started..... |
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| old dog | Jan 2 2010, 06:45 PM Post #17 |
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THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER The Wife Fresh from her shower, stood in front of the mirror complaining to me About Her breasts beening too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, I Uncharacteristically came up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of Toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds". she Was Willing to try anything, So She fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in Front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will This take?" she asked. "They will grow larger over a period of years," I replied. She stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper Between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the Years?" Without missing a beat I Said, "Worked for your bum, didn't it?" Iam still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, I may even walk again, although I will probably continue to take his meals through a Straw. |
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| old dog | Mar 1 2010, 06:40 PM Post #18 |
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The Funeral Procession A man was leaving a local shop with his morning paper when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about twenty yards behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a lead. Behind him, a short distance back, were about two hundred men walking in single file. The man couldn't restrain his curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?' 'My wife's. ''What happened to her?' The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her' He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?' The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.' A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men. 'Can I borrow the dog?' The man replied, 'Join the queue.' |
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| old dog | Mar 9 2010, 06:28 PM Post #19 |
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Rectum stretcher While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?' To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.' And just what do you do? I'm a rectum stretcher. The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?' 'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.' 'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole? ' he asked. 'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...' Traffic Ticket - £95.00 Court Costs - £45.00 Look on the Cop's Face...............PRICELESS |
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| old dog | Mar 9 2010, 06:29 PM Post #20 |
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Subject: hot and cold sex... After an examination, the doctor said to his elderly patient: 'You appear to be in good health... Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?' 'In fact, I do.' said the old man. "After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty." When the doctor examined his elderly wife a short time later he said, 'Everything appears to be fine... Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?' The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.. The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband mentioned an unusual problem.. He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?' "Oh, that crazy old coot'' she replied.. 'That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in July. |
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3:44 PM Jul 11