Welcome Guest [Log In] [Register]
Welcome to Prestwich Snooker. We hope you enjoy your visit.


You're currently viewing our forum as a guest. This means you are limited to certain areas of the board and there are some features you can't use. If you join our community, you'll be able to access member-only sections, and use many member-only features such as customizing your profile, sending personal messages, and voting in polls. Registration is simple, fast, and completely free.


Join our community!


If you're already a member please log in to your account to access all of our features:

Username:   Password:
Add Reply
jokes
Topic Started: Oct 7 2009, 06:07 PM (687 Views)
old dog
No Avatar

Members
Irish Virginity Test Kit

Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.

His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."

Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"





The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you hit her with the shovel.'

Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
old dog
No Avatar

Members
Letter from an Irish Mother to her Son

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well.

You won't recognise the house when you get home - we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Irish family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.



This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.


Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery.


Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an uncle.




Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there a short while and they've already made him a court martial!




Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.


I'm sorry to say that your cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling.


I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.




The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days. Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.


We had a letter from the under-taker. He said if the last payment on your Grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.


About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.




John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.


Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.




There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.


Your loving Mum




P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.

Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
old dog
No Avatar

Members
It's Hell to be Old

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as
part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc,
it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left,
still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too,
first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin'
it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'


wait for it





Scroll down









The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
DealsFor.me - The best sales, coupons, and discounts for you
« Previous Topic · General Chat · Next Topic »
Add Reply