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The posts of user 03-04
Topic Started: Feb 22 2016, 05:25 PM (215 Views)
Water
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Various posts by user 03-04, nom de guerre of SorenL, copied from the deathmetal.org forum archive.

Interzone / Insecurity
« on: March 11, 2014, 12:38:23 AM »


My earliest childhood was a very happy one. But when I reached school-age, and became imbedded in a social-setting larger than my neighbourhood and local friends, I gradually grew more secluded and insecure. So I withdrew into myself.

At some point, I realized that this wasn't so cool, being downright scared of other people. So I got to work, and gradually came out of my shell.

This process included quite a lot of embarrasing moments for me, as I knew nothing of how to behave in a social setting, and so often made an ass out of myself. There was a lot of shame - but shame is something you get over, though it feels like it'll be there forever, when it's going on.

Eventually I managed to kill off most of my social insecurities, and before I knew it, being around other people didn't bother me that much anymore.

But as I grew accustomed to others, I started to notice something strange.

Back when I was insecure, I never really saw the behavior of others. I was too caught up in my own feelings of awkwardness - but as these feelings started to reside, I lost the pathological self-awareness, and my mind became free to absorb what was actually going on around me.

What I started to notice was, that all my socially adapt peers also had a million insecurities, that I just never noticed before. Theirs just weren't connected with being social as such - but they were insecure with regards to almost everything else: Feeling alone, unintelligent, ugly, unwanted etc.

Where I had been busy tackling what I saw as my own flaws, they hadn't even considered that their own insecurities were something that could be fixed. Instead, they had been socializing and bonding over these feelings of inferiority.

They got together to complain, and constantly affirmed each other as victims of all the greater and smaller 'injustices of the world'. And because of this very affirmation, they felt justified in not doing anything about their problems.

Either that, or putting others (or each other) down, so they could individually feel better.

They were basically using each other as excuses: 'Everybody is miserable, so why shouldn't I be?

That was when I realized, that these were the very things that I had never been able to do. This was why I withdrew into myself in the first place - because I never believed that misery could do anything good for me.



Interzone / Re: Why?
« on: March 10, 2014, 11:35:02 PM »


If there is any answer, it is this:

If your mind has the capacity to think up a question, then surely it can produce an answer as well.

That's something I've read someone else say. But I thought that was very insightful, and it made me look at my own questions in a different way. It made me question myself as a being asking question.

Did I learn anything from it? Well yes and no. It pointed me in the right direction - by reminding me not to look where I already knew there was nothing to be found.

If your looking for light, don't seek out the darkness.

Perhaps Plato was right when he said that all learning is remembering (re-cognition).



Interzone / Being somebody
« on: November 09, 2013, 01:23:09 PM »


I've realized that my biggest enemy is myself.

To some degree, I've always desired to be somebody. Sombody special. Somebody important. Somebody worth noticing.

Even while seeking to extinguish the ego, I've been desiring. Desiring to be nothing, nobody. Somebody who was nothing or nobody.

But today I ask myself: What is a 'somebody'? What is it I want to be?

I haven't ceased wanting to be. In fact, that's the only thing remaining: Wanting to be.

What has ceased is somebody. I've forgotten somebody. Somebody's gone.

Yet I still am. I just don't know exactly what. But it's definitely not 'somebody'. In fact, it is just the opposite: My being simply is whatever it is that I am. Nothing more.

I find it strange that I could've ever wanted something else - foolish even. But foolish in a way that brings a smile to my face.



Interzone / Re: Intellect vs. wisdom.
« on: November 09, 2013, 12:24:49 PM »


One doesn't need intelligence to be wise or vice versa - but the two aren't mutually exclusive either.

Wisdom knows when and how to apply intelligence - and for the most part, this means not applying intelligence at all. Intelligence isn't always needed, after all.

Still, many intelligent people make a point out of being intelligent all the time. Always thinking. Always seeing everything as a potential problem to be solved. Always trying to improve everything.

There is a danger in this: The danger of becoming an intellectual.

What's an intellectual? One who defines himself by his intellect. One who is what he is thinking. Someone seeing problems everywhere - because he needs to be intelligent. He needs to think up solutions - because that's what being intelligent is.

If the intellectual wasn't intelligent, and didn't apply his intelligence constantly, he would cease to be what he is. Simple as that.

Ego cogito, ego sum.

Wisdom, on the other hand, doesn't need to define what it is, in order to be what it is. It doesn't have to be intelligent, or anything else for that matter. Wisdom simply adapts, and make the most of any given situation. Not by 'improving' anything. Simply by sensing what's going on, and acting in an appropriate manner.

In other words: The sage doesn't need to have problems around, in order for him to be what he is, but the intellectual does. That's the main difference between being intelligent and being wise.



Interzone / Re: Sic transit gloria mundi.
« on: November 05, 2013, 12:25:49 AM »


I've experienced glory, or the glorious, yes.

It can't be described, but I'll give it a go anyway, now that you bring it up.

I've experienced all time, past and future, come together in a single infinite now encompassing it all.

I've experienced space, all space, the universe itself in a single walk, in every step.

I've heard the birds sing and seen the trees sway in the wind. Most people think that's a fairly ordinary thing - but very few actually hear or see anything at all. How glorious it all is.

I've experienced myself, my whole self as one small step along an infinite path, stretching back before my birth and ever onwards beyond death. And on this pathway, every conceivable 'back' and 'forth' came together, as if completing one circle encompassing all.

And the strangest, most wonderful thing: In experiencing this I found, that I had been immersed in this glory my entire life - and that I would continue to be so forever, whatever I may come to be, or not to be. In whatever I may have been or not been, I've been in the midst of this glory and I'll be in it forever onwards - even if 'I' cease to be 'I'. Cause it's got nothing to do with me.

All life is this glory, you see. Only humans forget it.

Reality itself.



Interzone / Re: Spiritualism
« on: September 15, 2013, 11:23:30 AM »


About the question of worship and reverence: If there is a difference between the Lord, and existence, or if there ever was, I don't see it anymore.

The kingdom of heaven must be the place, where the Lord God rules supreme. But if the kingdom of heaven is in our midst, as Jesus claimed, does that not mean that existence as such is holy?

Perhaps you could liken the the difference between reverence for existence and for the Lord to the difference between meditation and prayer. I have done a good deal of both.

Meditation is a shutting down of the Self, to let reality seep in. Prayer is conscious submission and worship of the supreme divinity.

The meaning of the Christian prayer - the only prayer - the 'Our father', is

let Gods will be
and let me be in harmony with it
let not my own will
blind me towards Gods perfection

but is this not also a way of saying: I am nothing? Just like meditation is a way of experiencing this nothingness of the 'I'?

It's all about seeing reality for what it is - infinitely greater than what I, or you, or any other could ever think it to be.

Quote:
 

His disciples said to him, "When will the kingdom come?"
"It will not come by watching for it. It will not be said, 'Look, here!' or 'Look, there!' Rather, the Father's kingdom is spread out upon the earth, and people don't see it."


-The Gospel of Thomas
http://www.gnosis.org/naghamm/gosthom.html



Interzone / Re: Flatline
« on: September 07, 2013, 10:04:11 AM »


Many people build their entire identity on emotions. It's neurotic: They identify their very being with transient states. And they are suspicious of those who don't.

If you aren't one of them, then you are one of the blessed ones.

Emotions may 'feel' nice, but being guided by them will make your life hell.




Interzone / Re: Change your mind?
« on: June 22, 2013, 09:30:19 AM »


This is why being aware of your breathing is elementary. The rhythm and the flow of air follows you around always - so you should of course also be with it. If you are not with your breathing, then you are not with yourself.

It is true: Most people want the world to adapt to them, and feel that the key to contentment and a 'better world' (whatever that means) is some sort of revolutionary change. They want the order of life turned upside down, so the world can adapt to their ideas.

They should be focussing on their breathing instead. Nothing else.

Then maybe - just maybe - they would slowly become aware that they had been demanding the world to adapt to them, when in fact they themselves didn't even know how to adapt to their own body. And then start all over with a more humble approach to life and the world.



Interzone / Re: the bite of the apple
« on: May 19, 2013, 11:45:31 PM »


I've found that being still and just listening to my body/mind is the only way to find out when and how desire is present. Once I've detected it, and noted how it manifests, I can proceed to remove it - and then feel true satisfaction.

This process requires a certain amount of respect for desire, though. It's important not to underestimate its power. It can be a lot more clever than you think, really. In fact it is often when I feel the most clever and enlightened that I am actually desirous without noticing. It can take a long while to figure out, when and how I've been lying to myself. I'm getting better at it all the time, though.

But it would be foolish of me to say that I've ridden myself of desire. Then I would become less aware. Why would I want that?

It's not about seeing yourself as free from desire, but about actually becoming free from desire. If you fake it, you're only fooling yourself.
Edited by Water, Feb 22 2016, 06:00 PM.
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crow
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Thanks, Water. Somebody needed to do that, and it has fallen to you to do it.
Good job!
"Squawk!" said the crow, and then made space.
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xor
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Great to re-read this. Masterful indeed.
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crow
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No kidding. I never see stuff like this, anywhere else.
"Squawk!" said the crow, and then made space.
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SorenL
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This was like reading the words of someone else: And maybe it was.
Another existence. Another time and space.
Another world.

I am in a far less isolated place now, and in a certain sense I feel less wise than the creature who called himself 03-04.
I am back amongst 'the people' - whatever 'the people' means.
I am 'one of them'. An ordinary man, with ordinary troubles: Lack of sleep, lack of money, lack of time, lack of lack of lack.

03-04 didn't lack anything, because in a certain sense he wasn't anything. A shadowy existence living on the fringe of the human world.

The only thing I share in common with the somewhat secluded individual quoted in the OP is, I guess, this:

I try my best to be what I am.

But perhaps that was all that mattered anyway: Back then, now and in the future.

I don't care about being perfect. I care about becoming better:

Becoming more humble, more thankful, aware, happy, at peace, and in tune. Amidst the chaos and confusion of an everyday ordinary existence.

And even if Perfection was ever to arrive and invite me in for a meal or a cup of tea...

I would be immensely thankful for it, and accept the invitation, and enjoy our time together to the very best of my ability.
No doubt.

But being presented with the opportunity to stay with Perfection forever... I'm not even sure that I would ever want to say yes, leave my current state behind.
BOKAJDANNANNETTID
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