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Memoirs of the Imaginary; Feedback welcome!
Topic Started: Sep 29 2008, 04:07 PM (321 Views)
Crue13
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Trainee
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“Big sister, wake up,” Drake whispers as he shakes me, “Come on, Amy.”
I hear him walk out of my room. And ten seconds later I hear my mother at my doorway.
“Amy Lynn, get up,” she says, “It’s time to go to school.”

I sit up and she walks away, leaving me alone in my room. I sit there wondering how on Earth someone could torture youth like this. Making them get up day after day at six o'clock in the morning to go to the most wretched place on Earth. A place called high school. Or known by most teenagers as the pit of hell.

Well, you may have guessed by now that my name’s Amy. Amy Lynn Fae, but by everyone, I'm known as Amy Lynn or just plain Amy. I live at home with my mom and my little brother. My dad died a few months after my little brother was born. My brother and I have the same birthday, but we're a year apart. Today is our birthday, he’s turning seventeen and I am turning eighteen. We live just two blocks away from our cousins Jade and Alice. We're all in different grade levels. Jade is a freshman, Alice is a sophomore, Drake is a junior. And that leaves me, the oldest, a senior.

We all go to Pine Forest High in Fayetteville, North Carolina. I am captain of the school’s dance team. I've been captain since my sophomore year. I walk out of my room and grab breakfast.
“You know, for a dancer, you're really lazy,” Drake mumbled.
“Oh, shut up, it’s six in the morning,” I snapped.
“Stop bickering and eat,” mom interrupted, “Don't forget to pick up your cousins on your way to school.”

We finished eating and grabbed our bags. I pulled my keys our of my purse and we headed out the door.
“Happy birthday!” we said simultaneously.
I unlocked the doors to my car and we got in. I have a 1967 Chevrolet Impala. And it’s the best color ever, black. Although, my favorite color in the entire world is green. I put the key in the ignition and started the car. We sat there for a minute just listening to the roar of the engine.
“Such a lovely sound,” I thought out loud.
“Yes, it is,” Drake agreed.

I pulled out of the driveway and headed towards Jade and Alice’s house. Five minutes later I pulled into their driveway and honk.
“I don't see the point in using the horn,” Drake observed, “The engine is the biggest give away.”
“Morning!” Jade shouted on her way to the car.
Alice just nodded, like always. She doesn't talk anymore. Their parents died two years ago. And Alice was their to witness it. A neighbor heard about it and was nice enough to take them in. They got into the car and we pulled out and headed towards school.

“Happy birthday,” Jade mumbled.
Alice handed us two cards and smiled. Drake opened his right away. I opened mine when we got to the school parking lot. They got me one of those singing birthday cards.
“That’s awesome, I love that song!” I shouted.
“Do you even know who that is, Amy?” Drake asked.
I looked at him and raised my eyebrow, “Yes, I know who it is. I've listened to Poison before.”
“Damn, thought you might get it wrong,” he whispered.
“Come on, Drake. I'm Amy, I know all,” I boasted.
“Amy!” someone shouted behind us.

I turned around and got tackled. It was my best friend Sarah Jacobs.
“Can't.. breathe,” I mumbled as I gasped for air.
Sarah let go of me and began jumping up and down. She suddenly stopped and handed both my brother and I more cards.
“Hey, I got a singing card this time,” Drake announced, opening his card, “And it’s the same song you got.”
“Aw, Sarah. This card is so cute,” I said as I hugged her, “Thank you.”
“So, how’s your bisexual bad self doing?” Sarah asked.
“I'm fine,” I answered, “Where’s Sam and Lexi?”

I scouted the parking lot hoping I would see them.
“They're most likely around,” Sarah answered, “You know how they are.”
“Boo!” someone shouted from behind me.
Startled, I turned around quickly to see who it was.
“Riley!” I shouted, “You scared my to death!”
“Oh, I'm sorry,” she said.
“Hi, Riley!” Drake and Jade shouted.
I quickly turned back around to Sarah. I deeply hoped she wouldn't see me blushing.
“Oh, my God, Amy,” Sarah began, whispering, “You like her, don't you?”

I pulled at the bottom of my shirt, “Does it show?”
Sarah grabbed my arm and began pulling me away.
“Hey, Amy and I will be back,” Sarah announced.
Sarah stopped and stood in front of me.
“Does it show?” she imitated, “Of course it shows. But luckily you turned around before she saw your face.
“My God, you like her! This is your first actual crush!”

I began spinning in circles, dancing gracefully around the parking lot.
“It’s just so hard not to like her,” I began, “I mean look at her, she’s just so, so beautiful.
“And the way she dances is so amazing. It’s like she weighs nothing.”

Sarah just looked at me and smiled.
“And the way she grabbed my sides when she scared me,” I added, “It sent chills down my spine. It felt like magic. I want to feel it again!”
“Oh, such a glorious day for Amy Lynn Fae,” Sarah rhymed, “The princess of dance is in love.”

Nervous, I turned around. Sometimes I feel like a cat because I can always hear someone coming. I tapped Sarah’s shoulder to stop her.
“What were you two talking about?” Riley asked.
“Nothing, “ I lied quickly, “Just homework.”
The bell rang and we all ran towards the building.
“Hey, I'll catch up to you in a bit!” Riley screamed, “I left something in my car!”

Riley ran to her car as quickly as she could. As she started running slower, tears were flowing down her face. She quickly got into her car and sat in the drivers seat.
She pulled down her mirror and revealed a picture of Amy. She held on to it and began talking to herself.
“Why can't you see that I love you?” she mumbled to herself.
“Why am I so scared to tell you these things? These feelings that I keep locked away so deeply within myself. So badly I want to reveal my love for you, I just can't seem to get the words straight,” she continued, “I can only say these things to your picture. I can only tell myself that I love you.”

She began wiping the tears from her eyes. Trying to get rid of any evidence that she had been crying. She wasn't the only one left in the parking lot. And without her own knowledge she had left her window open. Drake was still there, he could hear her crying and he could hear every word.
“I love you, Amy!” Riley shouted.

That was the last thing Drake had heard. He didn't know whether to tell the others or just wait for her to tell his sister on her own. He quickly decided to run before Riley could see him standing there.
Edited by Crue13, Sep 29 2008, 04:55 PM.
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+Linden
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awesomesauce
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I haven't read it yet (though I will get to it, promise) but here's a quick tip: when posting stories on forums, double space your paragraphs. Forums don't indent. So long blocks of unspaced text is murder on the reader. At least this reader. :dead:
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** Death's servant
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Reflection
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A few things like Vamp mentioned, but overall I liked it. It has potential.
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+Linden
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awesomesauce
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Things that stick out for me:
  • You use too much dialogue to tell the story. =\
  • Senior year to have first crush? I'm not saying it can't happen but very unlikely. Especially if she already knows she's bisexual.
  • Lots of people to keep track of; can you minimize the load to remember to the essential characters? (especially with the friends or introduce them at another time). The family was alright though.
  • Speaking of the family: Must all parents die? My spidy-sense tells me the mother's time must be coming. :goof:
  • You switch point of view at the very end(from first to third) with no warning; while there's nothing technically wrong with it, it's not typical and messes up the flow. At least for me.
Okay that's basically it for now. Really focus on 1 and 3 though. It'll most likely help you out the most.

Personally, it was alright. This isn't the genre I particularly read or write; but whatever floats your boat.
Edited by Linden, Sep 29 2008, 08:11 PM.
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