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| A Short Myth | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Oct 13 2008, 06:56 PM (505 Views) | |
| +Linden | Oct 13 2008, 06:56 PM Post #1 |
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awesomesauce
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The beginning of my fairytale called A Short Myth. This version is totally differnt from I had originaly written long ago. I think in the original you met one faerie. I remember he was the grocer's companion and always grumpy. heh. Once upon a time magic existed in our town. It was a far different place then we now know. Faeries took part in our everyday lives and thanks to them plagues and misfortune were unheard of. Magic grew out of the plants, blew with the wind, rose with the woody smoke of fires, and rippled along with the waves. We heard it breathe along with us as we toiled over our fields and houses. With the faerie’s help we could employ the magic in our daily tasks. We tilled our fields with a much greater ease. With the magic in the seeds, they burrowed and sprouted quicker for a bountiful harvest. We built our houses stronger, the hearths warmer and families whole. Life was large and our once humble village became significant. Wanderers with wealth began to trickle into our town and soon they formed faerie friends too. They brought with them their customs and knowledge foreign to our ancestral ways. A new generation of wealth and faerie guardians was born, the children of wanderers and the children of fey together. And for a while we were happy… It was a story my grandmamma always told me, a story erased from our history books and told by spinsters and barren widows on their stone stoops. The crippled woman drilled every word into my head and I knew it by heart before I was six years old. As far back as I could remember grandmamma had always clung to the old superstitions - like air, they were so important to her. I remember sitting at her feet, the hearth coloring her parlor orange while she insisted on telling me one of her many stories of the old Faith. “And Tabea, do you know why the faeries disappeared?” She’d always ask. Her copper glasses at the peak of her thin nose. “No, grandmamma.” I’d sighed. Of course I knew, this was routine; you didn’t spend every night of your first ten years listening to the same stories and superstitions and not learn them – you don’t go without earning a wrinkle in your brain, as grandmamma would say. My gaze set on the closed wooden door with the painted panels. Somewhere outside in the wild fields I knew my friends with less embarrassing and senile grandparents would be playing before the last rays of daylight fell. My head played their shrieks of laughter over and over. We became too comfortable. Though we didn’t see it, our newly acquired wealth became our vice. We spent our money and wanted more. We taxed our fields until they became dry, unsuitable to nurse any life and our lakes disappeared. We begged the faeries to help us further and abused their loyalty. Our greed tainted their magic and many a fey began to die, their little, wilted bodies on the cobblestone broken by the wheels of carriages. No one would claim the body of their faerie friend for the shame they felt in their heart. Slowly villagers began to fall ill, the old and young alike. The Darkness, as the sickness was called, half destroyed our town; it lived in the cracks of our bricks, the flame on our candles, in the well water and air. And soon the faeries disappeared with no bodies to be found. With the lack of magic, it seemed like the village was forsaken, cloaked off from the rest of the world. All we had were dirty hybrid children without faeries to protect them. They left without a trace back to their magical roots, back to their Faerie Queen deep underground. We had nearly killed them and ourselves with our greed. And in penance we have never seen them since... |
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| girl anachronism | Oct 13 2008, 07:14 PM Post #2 |
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Try to remember
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MORE! I demand more..... soon, very very soon! Oh and I like the name Tabea, it fits well. |
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| +Linden | Oct 13 2008, 08:57 PM Post #3 |
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awesomesauce
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Heh thanks. I really have to think about where I'm going with this though. Because, like everything else I write, I have no idea. I'm debating whether or not to include another story line I had in the same universe or not. :-/ |
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| +Linden | Oct 17 2008, 05:53 PM Post #4 |
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awesomesauce
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I have discovered how to indent! hah! Personally, I think it makes it look messy. But if you're wondering, it's suspiciously this:This is hot of the press! I told you I'd work Beryl in there. And I have. ^_^ There's still a lot I don't know... like this ranch hand... But I'll get there! The ending needs to be reworked, it sucks. Majorly. Awesome links// Schafe, teh sheeps, and the reason why I know everything about sheep Critique and Comments welcome. Thanks to Hellion for catching grammar mistakes. :) I trudged unhappily through the sheep run, my empty wooden pail banging against me knee as I went along. I could hear Schafe’s commanding bark farther down the range as she ran to and fro, herding the sheep back from the neighbor’s garden. Lately we’d been having trouble keeping the sheep on the range after they learned to best the iron cattle grid. We found sheep in town, hanging their heads through neighbor’s windows, and now in gardens. More than once, my cousin Beryl and I had sleepily rounded up the troublesome sheep at the crack of dawn. I had to give Schafe her due though; she could drive those sheep like no tomorrow. Driven by hunger, the sheep were always discovering creative ways to escape and it took an even creative dog to keep them in. Without her, the sheep would have the run of the village. Over her cup of morning tea, Grandmamma had asked Beryl about picking up more sheep. We were the only sheep farmers in the village; surely we could take on a bigger herd? I looked at Beryl with wide, pleading eyes. A bigger herd meant more conspirators. Did Grandmamma not know how much trouble our ranch was in already? “I don’t know about that Gran.” He started, scratching the back of his neck. “You have Tabby to help you.” She said matter-of-factly, oblivious to how I spent my time already helping Beryl with the prisoners instead of where I wanted to be. “Tabby has school. Her grades are already low. She’ll fail if she takes on any more work.” He said dully. I shot my iciest glare at Beryl over my bowl of cereal, it was like him to use my worse qualities to his advantage. “Then we’ll hire more help, a ranch hand.” Grandmamma said, “Someone to help you while Tabby’s a school.” “Grandmamma, he’ll eat all our food!” I whined, clinking my spoon against the rim of my bowl for emphasis. “Take up our bath water, we can’t house another person!” “Oh, hush. It’s about time we expanded business, save for your futures.” She stood up, her hunched frame hindering her movement. Before I could finish my cereal, she took my bowl and drained it down the skin. “Now, off to chores then school with you.” A stupid ranch hand, I couldn’t believe it. It wouldn’t be our farm anymore, we’d have to share. I tossed my pail on the ground and kicked it till I reached the barn. I push opened the wooden door and entered the dim room and wrinkled my nose. With it being spring, Beryl had yet to clean out the sour straw. I wish he wouldn’t put it off, especially on milking days. I avoided the dirty spots and walked over to the milking stool, setting my pail on it before I went to open the back door where the ewes would come from. It didn’t take long for Schafe to bring the long-woolen sheep in. “Good girl.” I pet the crown of her head and rubbed behind her pointed ears, waiting for the sheep to settle down. Her pepper colored fur shedding on my orange smock. When the baas quieted, I sat on my stool and persuaded a ewe to be milked. “You know we’re getting a ranch hand, Schafe?” I glanced up while working, her ears perked at the mention of her name. “Yeah-huh. A ranch hand, isn’t that something girl?” At the top of my gaze I could see her feather tail wag, “Grandmamma thinks we need the extra help. You think he can help you round up the sheep, maybe give you a break from running? Maybe now you can sleep at night while he’s on watch?” I laughed cynically, “Wouldn’t that be something?” “Tabea, what are you doing?” I let go of the ewe, surprised. She blended back into the herd as I turned to face the voice. “No one asked you, Beryl. Go away.” My face reddened, he caught me talking to the dog. “It sounded like you were cursing the new ranch hand.” He laughed, unhooking a rake from the wall to gather the sour straw. “And what of it?” I asked brave in my frustration. I grabbed another ewe and proceeded to milk her. “I’d say Gran’s stories have been rubbing off.” “Right, that’ll be the day.” I snorted. “I’m glad to be rid of that nonsense.” My cousin said while he worked. “How’d you do it?” I asked, letting go of the ewe and looking at him in the dim light. Beryl worked with his shirt sleeves rolled up, suspenders connected to his trousers. He had honey brown hair, parted off on the side and my brown eyes. Sometimes at the market, he was mistaken for my older brother rather than first cousin. The way we squabble with each other we might as well be siblings. “What, stop Gran from storytelling?” He shrugged, “It was only because you were born. I think she figured a girl would be easier to convince. I was nine I think.” I sighed turning back to my milking. “If you really love me Beryl, you’ll get married, leave, and get the wench with child so Grandmamma will leave me alone!” I heard him chuckle, “And live a boring life in Wenigburg? No, I’d rather watch you suffer.” “See that’s why you’ll never find a girl, Beryl. You’re always too preoccupied with your cousin.” I said off-handedly. Schafe watched our conversation with bemused eyes. “Probably.” He laughed. I let the ewe go and scooted my stool away from him. “Well, look at that! I’m done. Bye!” I jumped up and grabbed the pail of milk, “C’mon Schafe, get around.” I ordered her to round the ewes up. I watched Schafe return the ewes to the rest of the herd before I walked back to the cottage slowly as not to slosh the milk. I opened the ice box and slide the pail of sheep milk into it; Grandmamma would know where to find it so she could boil it later. Though I’d have to tell her the ice was getting low and would need another block soon. I ran upstairs, my leather boots echoing off the staircase. The staircase led up to a loft with two bedrooms and a bathroom. My room was at the very end, shared with Grandmamma when she felt up to climbing the stairs. After looking for it, my school satchel had fallen under my bed. I grabbed the strap and flew back down the stairs. I saw Grandmamma in the kitchen, I warned her of the ice and said goodbye before I went off the school. --Alternative Ending-- “See that’s why you’ll never find a girl, Beryl. You’re always too preoccupied with your cousin.” I said off-handedly. Schafe watched our conversation with bemused eyes. “Probably.” I let the ewe go and scooted my stool away from his direction, aghast. “You brought it up.” He laughed at my reaction, climbing up to the hayloft with a pitchfork in hand. “But – ew!” I cried, “Your sick Beryl. Real sick.” “Then don’t go about making smart remarks like that.” I saw him look down at me from the hayloft, fresh straw over my head; I recognized the gleam in his eyes. Oh no, I was in trouble. “Well, look at that! I’m done. Bye!” I jumped up and grabbed the pail of milk before he could dump the straw on my head. I heard it land with a thump. “C’mon Schafe, get around.” I ordered her to round the ewes up; I glared at Beryl who was getting another dump ready. I ran outside before I could give him another chance. Edited by Linden, Oct 18 2008, 06:03 PM.
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| *HellionStorm | Oct 17 2008, 09:16 PM Post #5 |
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Runoilija Kunnon mies Aatelismies
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Sounds really interesting Linden. I like it so far. Well written too. Please continue. Must know more. Especially about "the prisoners." That sounds foreboding. Just a few minor grammatical errors I noticed. Nothing big. I'm a grammar Nazi, sorry. XD "an ewe" (line 37) should be "a ewe." The rule about "an" being before vowels is obsolete when a non-vowel sound is made. XD A minor tense issue. In the sentence "The way we squabble with each other we might have been siblings anyway," you need to make the tenses of "squabble" and "might have been" match. Another thing that bothers me is that she has an orange smock. The reason this bothers me is because in a village of this sort, clothing would be limited to simple, natural colors due to the expense of dye and dyed cloth. I just think it would lend the story more credibility if the smock reflected the times. I may just be being nit-picky though. XD One last little detail. XD Sorry, I know it seems like I'm finding a lot wrong with this but it's really not as much as it seems. The "iron cattle grid" bothers me because in the time's I thought you were going for, they wouldn't have access to iron in large enough quantities (unless they are rich and we don't know that yet) to waste any building fences with it. Their fences would be built from wooden beams. Sorry Linden, don't hate me. XD Just a few little minor details that caught my attention in my second read-through. It really sounds like an interesting story, I'm just playing the role of your editor in place of a professional. XD |
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| +Linden | Oct 17 2008, 09:53 PM Post #6 |
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awesomesauce
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No, I don't hate you. It's what I asked for, I haven't gotten criticism like this in a long time. I'll fix the grammar stuff in a bit. The story isn't set in our world at all, so our history is totally irrelevant. It's more of a steampunk universe, except not as dramatic because I want to focus on magic rather than technology. That and the human world of the story is inspired by my own experiences living in Germany. One of the weirdest memories I have is traveling through the little villages and seeing smart cars parked outside of the cottages. It's this crazy blend of an antique world and technology in a world that doesn't think twice about it. Like in the myth, it's the children of fay and wealth, the old and the new, together. *clicky* They're not smart cars, but you can see how awkward this looks. I can't think of an crazier combination. So my characters can wear orange and have iron cattle grids and eat Fruit Loops while they dress in smocks and suspenders and speak in a contemporary way and use outdated phrases all they want. :P While we're at it, here's a few things you probably didn't catch: These sheep don't even exist in Germany; they're only in the UK and they're not even used for milking. And Schafe, who's a Shiloh Shepherd, is an American breed developed in the 1970's. I chose them specifically on their looks to separate this world from ours. So yes, I do realize these are inaccurate items but accuracy means nothing here. :P rawr! |
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| *HellionStorm | Oct 17 2008, 10:12 PM Post #7 |
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Runoilija Kunnon mies Aatelismies
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XD Ok Linden. I just wanted to make sure on the details. I'm a stickler for details too. XD I didn't understand the universe of your story before writing that apparently and in the new light of what you've said it makes more sense. As far as the sheep thing goes, whoa. You didn't mention what type of sheep they were or what kind of dog Schafe was in the story so you can't call me out on those. hahaha XD Oh, and by "I haven't gotten criticism like this in a long time," did you mean that in a good way or a bad way? Just wondering because I'm no professional editor, but I would like to be able to be as helpful as possible without being too egocentric and without offending the writer, which was not my intention at all if it came off that way. XD |
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| +Linden | Oct 17 2008, 10:29 PM Post #8 |
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awesomesauce
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Heh sorry. XD No, you didn't offend me. I think everybody gets a little defensive when somebody messes with their vision. :P But it was helpful, there's only a hand full of people here that seriously point out details and question them. That's being an active reader, it's a good thing. My philosophy about critiquing work is that (1) it's always positive criticism, (2) if the author asks for it and it's on a topic I'm familiar with, I'll give what I can offer. (3) If they specifically mention they don't want criticism, I'll withhold it completely. (4) So I (maybe foolishly) except other people to grant me this liberty also. As a side rule, I normally don't rate either. But I welcome criticism on every work of fiction I write, so no problems here. ;) You were completely in the right. I was just a tad defensive because I love this idea so much. ^_^ |
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| *HellionStorm | Oct 17 2008, 10:58 PM Post #9 |
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Runoilija Kunnon mies Aatelismies
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Understandable Linden. I get defensive with my work too sometimes. XD And I love the idea too, I was just a little confused on the setting is all. It makes sense now which nullifies the majority of my criticism, but, like I said, I am a grammar Nazi, so I feel the need to point out little things mainly so that you don't reach a point where the work is read by someone high-up who laughs at you for simple, common confusions such as it's and its, accept and except, and even things like a and an preceding a vowel with a consonant sound. XD The details are important after all, right? Anywho, great idea Linden. Can't wait to read more. Keep it up! |
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| +Linden | Oct 18 2008, 05:58 PM Post #10 |
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awesomesauce
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Because the ending sucked, I added a little to the discussion at the end and deleted the rest. |
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| girl anachronism | Oct 18 2008, 08:25 PM Post #11 |
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Try to remember
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I cannot wait for the next installment... After all you and Hellion have discussed I feel like I have very little left to suggest. I only wish that you take advantage of your imagination and to add more to the story to make it seem more of a different world. Right now I still get the feeling that this is earth. Besides that, there is nothing that stand out too much. |
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| +Linden | Oct 18 2008, 08:29 PM Post #12 |
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awesomesauce
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eh, just wait. The faeries are coming. XD |
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| ** Death's servant | Oct 26 2008, 08:57 PM Post #13 |
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Reflection
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I'll read all the rest as soon as I have time, but the first part is awsome. |
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| girl anachronism | Oct 26 2008, 10:38 PM Post #14 |
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Try to remember
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Did you mention something about the Fey folk?? I found this and felt the need to share with you Linden. http://www.epilogue.net/cgi/database/art/view.pl?id=83303 |
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| +Linden | Oct 27 2008, 02:49 PM Post #15 |
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awesomesauce
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XD Epilogue is gold. lol. While that's awesome, it wouldn't fit with Myth. Maybe another story I have on the back burner for a while, that story has infinite possibilities. I keep changing that one. |
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