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Have you ever cut?
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How have I come to this?; How did I slip and fall?
Topic Started: Dec 23 2008, 09:01 PM (145 Views)
girl anachronism
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Try to remember
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I don’t know who I am; I was a wonderful, strong, self reliant person before. Now, there is only this pathetic creature remaining, overpowering my mind with anxiety, depression, hate, fear, sadness, and uncontrollable pain. I have the perfect life. They say I’m smart, they call me pretty; that I am blessed, truly what more could I want? Who I’ve become is that which I once mocked and swore never to be me. Yet here I stand. Surrounded by those who love me and all alone. I am nothing. I am lost. I am hurting.


So here I am, on the border between a future and an end. Why do I feel this when there is nothing wrong? Bursts of euphoria litter my days, but they never last long enough. Everyone tries to help, though half of them think it is a ploy for attention. Am I a coward for wanting to numb the pain? People I know dive into drugs and alcohol because it is "fun" and "cool". I ask them if it numbs and they refuse to allow me to join them. They claim they do it for the experience not to escape. So here I am, staring blankly into space. Needing to get help. Praying for help. Yet I know that help is not what I want deep inside. Help leads to people and people are condescending and ill prepared for the torment that is in my heart and mind.

What I can't understand is why I have sunk to this low. What did I do? How did I break? I must be broken to have these thoughts surrounding me.

The worst part is that I don't really want to get better. This low that I feel is almost comforting, there isn't much lower you can go. Getting better means that somewhere along the line I will feel pain again, and will have to fight to return to what the world considers "normal" each time it happens. Where I am now hurts, but it doesn't fluctuate and scorn me with each new trial. No one understands that.

I am frightened of what I have become and what my outlets for the pain are. But I don't want a lecture. I don't want to "talk". I just want to hide. Curl up, put my head under a rock (a very heavy rock), and cry. But I can't. Life calls.

EDIT: More of the story

More may follow....
Edited by girl anachronism, Dec 24 2008, 11:02 PM.
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+Linden
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awesomesauce
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:mellow:

I hope that by writing you'll discover a better solution and I'm always free to talk to.
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girl anachronism
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Try to remember
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I added more.... Thank you for the concern Linden....
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** Death's servant
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Reflection
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I second that sentiment vamp.
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