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The Inside; complete ~ short story
Topic Started: May 18 2009, 09:03 PM (259 Views)
frosted_rose
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Through these broken mirrors no one can see what a broken family we are.

"Jane!" Miss Rose says, with disappointment coloring her face, she shakes her head in a violent manner and gives a heavy sigh. "I can't believe you, even with everything that's been going on you're trying to make it worse?"

Jane flinches at her mother's harsh words, she opens her mouth to protest, but her words fail to come as her mind turns blank with fear. Jane's mouth closes and she turns her head away from her mother. She can't stand to see the disappointment on Miss Rose's face.

They both wait impatiently for the Principal to show, Jane can feel her mother pacing back and forth behind the chair she's sitting in. Probably trying not to strangle me. Jane thinks, as she remembers the last time her mother's hands grabbed her throat forcing her to the wall, her nails sinking into Jane's skin. Jane shakes off the memory. Instead she tries thinking about what the punishment her dad, the Principal will give her this time.

"And you don't even argue that you're purposely trying to make it worse!" Miss Rose screams, throwing her hands in the air. "I can't believe!"

"I...I feel...numb." Jane whispers more to herself than to her mom, not even thinking her mom would hear her.

"Numb! Who cares how you feel?!" Her mother bursts out, "I don't care if you feel numb! I want to know why you're trying to ruin my life! I'm hardly getting by as it is and you go and do a stupid stunt again. Smashing your fist in the mirror, what the hell where you thinking?!" Miss Rose raises her hand to smack Jane across the face, when the door opens up revealing Mr. Cook, the Principal. Miss Rose lowers her hand and gives a small cough.

Their eyes meet and Jane can feel the tension in the air as a glare is held between the two stares. Jane forces a sneeze which catches her dad's attention.

"I see you're back here again, Jane." Mr. Cook says, not even sparing a glance toward Jane, but keeping his glare toward his ex-wife. Miss Rose breaks away the glare and rolls her eyes.

"I wonder why." Sarcasm dripping from ever word.

"Must be because of the guardian looking after her." Mr. Cook fires back, raising his voice creating yet another challenge with Miss Rose. Jane brings her knees to her chest and squeezes her eyes shut. She covers her ears with her hands, pushing them in, preparing for what she knows is going to happen next.

The screaming, yelling, the fighting. Please, please make it stop! Jane pleads in her head, hoping some unknown force will come to her rescue, just like in the movies.

But of course those movies are just fairy tales, and nobody ever comes to save anyone.

They start beating on each other, Jane can hear it through her covered ears, she can picture it through her closed eyes. She feels the screams bubbling inside her, she feels the hot tears burning the edges of her eyes, trying to force their way out of her eyes. Jane rocks herself back and forth, wondering how long it will take this time, wondering how far the abuse will go. Will they start abusing me like all the other times? Jane silently wonders.

Jane feels a tap on her shoulder, forcing herself to look up she sees her dad, with his a fake smile on smeared.

"Come on, honey. Let's go." He gives her a slight push, to move her out of the chair. Jane wonders how many times he's beaten her mom and herself with that hand, how much bruising has it caused, how much sin is on it. Her legs feel wobbly, but she forces herself to stand, not wanting to show any kind of weakness in fear of what will happen next.

"Don't look this way yet, honey." Her dad says as nicely as he can, walking behind her. Unfortunately Jane does not listen, she glances over her shoulder to see her mom collapsed on the floor. A gasp echoes through out the room and than a low growl from her dad.

"I told you not to look!" Mr. Cook stalks over to her, a knife in hand. Where did he get the knife? Jane wonders, she realizes that at this time, it's not the best thing to think about right now. Mr. Cook gives a war cry and throws the knife at Jane.


Two caskets lay in our scene now, lined with roses, surrounded by mourning people. The claims.... an accident, non in jail, non going to be punished for this awful crime. These beaten and bruised up souls now wander an empty life, not able to find any light.
Edited by frosted_rose, May 19 2009, 08:22 PM.
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+Linden
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awesomesauce
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I love this style of writing - this present tense, closed third person pov. I'm not sure if it has a name or not but I really like it. My second favorite book in the world (Confessions of an Ugly Step-Sister by Gregory Maguire) is written like this. I find that it's pretty uncommon, so it makes reading a story a different experience. But there's a few problems with your tenses though; you switch between present and past a few times.

Also, your pov changes too. The first line is first person, the body is third person, and the last line is back to first person. And the people behind the first person aren't the same either. First sentence is Jane, I assume. The last sentence is society or the neighborhood. It's not unifying.

And speaking of unifying, keep with the mirror stuff. Try to incorporate that into the end.

I would suggest less dialogue or beef up the narrative more. Really try to cut down the s/he said's. Subsequently, this little part bothers me:
Quote:
 
"Jane!" Miss Rose said, with disappointment coloring her face, she shakes her head in a violent manner and gives a heavy sigh. "I can't believe you, even with everything that's been going on you're trying to make it worse?" Miss Rose hisses.
If it were me, I would do this (I also changed the tense too):
Quote:
 
"Jane!" Miss Rose says, with disappointment coloring her face, she shakes her head in a violent manner and gives a heavy sigh, "I can't believe you, even with everything that's been going on you're trying to make it worse?" Miss Rose hisses.
But even 'says' is such a plain word; 'hiss' is a much better word; I'd reword the sentence to make it more... 'hissy', I guess. XD

Let me say: what you have here is good. But it could really use improvement. If you'd like me to proofread the whole thing, I'd be happy to give you a hand. Otherwise, I'll let you do your thing. ;)



Aaahh. It's nice to critique a story again. I'm useless when it comes to poetry - I can never offer anything very constructive. Thanks. ^_^
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frosted_rose
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I have been having trouble writing, because no ones honest like that, they only say it's 'good' or 'it doesn't need improvement' even though I know it does I just don't know where. So really, thanks! If you could, can you proof read it all? I would much appreciate it!
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Oh man, I hate that too. That's why I really try to give constructive criticism. Sure, I'll proofread it. :)
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Of course, take everything I say with a grain of salt. As the writer, you have to know what's true to your work. I'm just here to give you suggestions. :)

Color Guide:
Orange = Surface errors
Red = my comments/suggestions

Quote:
 
Through these broken mirrors no one can see what a broken family we are. [In my previous post, I pointed out how this was in first person, the body was in third, and the last sentence was in first again. But there was still a problem because the narrator isn't the same. That some how needs to be resolved. Personally, what I think would compliment the body the best is if the first sentence was changed to be society's pov instead of Jane's. Because you use this present tense, third person narrative-style it places your audience at a distance - like a society looking into somebody's life. And, I have a feeling, if you do it right you could very easily tie mirrors into the end too. ;) ]

"Jane!" Miss Rose says, with disappointment coloring her face, she shakes her head in a violent manner and gives a heavy sigh, "I can't believe you, even with everything that's been going on you're trying to make it worse?"

Jane flinches at her mother's harsh words, she opens her mouth to protest, but her words fail to come as her mind turns blank with fear. Jane's mouth closes and she turns her head away from her mother. She can't stand to see the disappointment on Miss Rose's face. [I like how her mother is referred to as "Miss Rose". By doing this I think you increase the distance between the family members and between the family and the audience, perhaps contributing to the effect of switching between first and third person.]

They both wait impatiently for the Principal [should principal be capitalized in this case? I guess you could leave it as a way to make things more dramatic and call it poetic license. heh.] to show, Jane can feel her mother pacing back and forth behind the chair she's sitting in. Probably trying not to strangle me. Jane thinks, as she remembers the last time her mother's hands grabbed her throat forcing her to the wall, her nails sinking into Jane's skin. Jane shakes off the memory. Instead she tries thinking about what the punishment her dad, the Principal will give her this time.

"And you don't even argue that you're purposely trying to make it worse!" Miss Rose screams, throwing her hands in the air, "I can't believe!" [Hmm. The dialogue is a little weird too me. I guess it doesn't make sense to me how Miss Rose expects Jane to argue she's doing things on purpose when, in typical arguments with children, the parent always expects the child to deny what their doing is on purpose... if that makes sense.]

"I-I feel...numb," Jane whispers more to herself than to her mom, not even thinking her mom would hear her.

"Numb! Who cares how you feel?!" Her mother bursts out, "I don't care if you feel numb! I want to know why you're trying to ruin my life! I'm hardly getting by as it is and you go and do a stupid stunt again. Smashing your fist in the mirror, what the hell where you thinking?!" Miss Rose raises her hand to smack Jane across the face, when the door opens up revealing Mr. Cook, the Principal. Miss Rose lowers her hand and gives a small cough. [Right here would be a perfect place to beef up the narrative, I think. After the heightened emotion, it would be nice if the awkwardness of the situation could come through more heavily.]

Their eyes meet and Jane can feel the tension in the air as a glare is held between the two stares. Jane forces a sneeze which catches her dad's attention. [The first sentence in his paragraph is a little awkward. Find a way to resolve that and perhaps include it in the beefed up part. Also, Mr. Cook is her father right? I'm not quite sure I like that. Personally, I think it would be more fitting if Mr. Cook was part of society.]

"I see you're back here again, Jane," Mr. Cook says, not even sparing a glance toward Jane, but keeping his glare toward his ex-wife. Miss Rose breaks away the glare and rolls her eyes. [Interestingly enough, although I don't like the fact Mr. Cook is related... I do like the fact Mr. Cook and Miss Rose are somehow connected. But that should only be hinted at, a little bit of information for the reader to interpret.]

"I wonder why," Sarcasm dripping from every word. [Maybe sarcasm isn't the right word to use? "Distaste" might be better. Because you refer to her as Miss Rose, she comes off as a very posh sort of woman, even lady-like. In my mind, a lady would refrain from sarcasm. At least directly, anyway.]

"Must be because of the guardian looking after her," Mr. Cook fires back, raising his voice creating yet another challenge with Miss Rose. [Depending on what you do with Mr. Cook, this might change. And it would create an interesting situation if the Principal viewed both parents fighting... yet did nothing about it - perhaps representing society's failure to act?] Jane brings her knees to her chest and squeezes her eyes shut. She covers her ears with her hands, pushing them in, preparing for what she knows is going to happen next. [This would also be an excellent place to add onto the narration.]

The screaming, yelling, the fighting. Please, please make it stop! Jane pleads in her head, hoping some unknown force will come to her rescue, just like in the movies.

But of course those movies are just fairy tales, and nobody ever comes to save anyone.

They start beating on each other, Jane can hear it through her covered ears, she can picture it through her closed eyes. She feels the screams bubbling inside her, she feels the hot tears burning the edges of her eyes, trying to force their way out of her eyes. Jane rocks herself back and forth, wondering how long it will take this time, wondering how far the abuse will go. Will they start abusing me like all the other times? Jane silently wonders. [I wouldn't come right out and say 'abuse' yet. It's a little too direct for my taste.]

Jane feels a tap on her shoulder, forcing herself to look up she sees her dad, with his a fake smile on smeared.

"Come on, honey. Let's go," He gives her a slight push, to move her out of the chair. Jane wonders how many times he's beaten her mom and herself with that hand, how much bruising has it caused, how much sin is on it. Her legs feel wobbly, but she forces herself to stand, not wanting to show any kind of weakness in fear of what will happen next.

"Don't look this way yet, honey." Her dad says as nicely as he can, walking behind her. Unfortunately Jane does not listen, she glances over her shoulder to see her mom collapsed on the floor. A gasp echoes through out the room and than a low growl from her dad.

"I told you not to look!" Mr. Cook stalks over to her, a knife in hand. Where did he get the knife? Jane wonders, she realizes that at this time, it's not the best thing to think about right now. Mr. Cook gives a war cry and throws the knife at Jane. [Again, this all depends on what you decide. But if you do create two characters, a scene change would be nice. Unless you can really think how killing Miss Rose and Jane in front of a witness would work.]


Two caskets lay in our scene now, lined with roses, surrounded by mourning people. The claims.... an accident, non in jail, non going to be punished for this awful crime. These beaten and bruised up souls now wander an empty life, not able to find any light. [Since I really like the mirror concept, I think this should be rewritten to somehow reflect that. Think of what symbolism the mirror has. And this 'non' thing doesn't make much sense.]

A lot of the surface errors were commas in dialogue. Nothing major. Really think of how to unify your themes together though. ;)
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frosted_rose
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Thanks! I might not change all of it, but I'm working on it right now. Once I'm done I'll post it. ^_^
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