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- Dawn Of The Bread (completed first draft screenplay)
| Dawn Of The Bread (completed first draft screenplay) | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: May 31 2009, 10:38 PM (188 Views) | |
| D. Black | May 31 2009, 10:38 PM Post #1 |
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I'm not breathing, I must be in heaven
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DAWN OF THE BREAD CHARACTERS PETER, ROGER, STEPHEN- three roommates Peter- oldest, natural leader Roger- Peter’s best friend Stephen- youngest, total nerd Shaun- electric store employee, sent over to repair a microwave (played by Topher) Random newscaster- random newscaster who reports on the zoast outbreak (played by Sickels) SETTING A modern-day American house. A mutation in mold has caused bread to come to life and attack the living. Three roommates and one electrical appliance repair guy fight off the menace with Nerf guns and random pop culture references. ========== Spoiler: click to toggle OPENING CREDITS [Camera pans around a modern kitchen. After a few seconds, the screen flashes to black and words come onscreen]: JELLYFISH JENOCIDE PICTURES PRESENTS [Camera continues to pan, before resting on a toaster on a counter] A FILM BY JORDAN HAKES AND DAVID SCANDURA [Camera zooms in on toaster. A slice of toast pops out. After a few seconds, the toast says “Braaaiiinnnnnnssssssss”] [Main titles flash] DAWN OF THE BREAD SCENE 1 ROGER, PETER, and STEPHEN sit around their dining table eating cereal and doing homework. A television plays in the background. STEPHEN Lord Roger, I must ask if you could please pass me an orange so that we may fulfill the prophecy of the great mountain of destiny? ROGER passes orange to STEPHEN ROGER Here ya go, Frodo. STEPHEN My name is Lord Stephen, Crusher of Dwarves! PETER Will you cut this Lord of the Rings crap, already? I have to finish studying my Physics notes. STEPHEN I see it! You have betrayed us all! You mean to take the Ring to Sauron! You will spell doom for all of Middle-Earth! PETER Stephen, shut the hell up! STEPHEN [quietly] Evil…back to the black chasm with you…traitorous scum… PETER Roger, what time is the repairman supposed to be here? ROGER Foree Electric said he’d be here around 9:30. I hope he is, otherwise I won’t be able to have my midmorning microwaveable meatloaf. PETER Nice use of alliteration, there. ROGER Thank you, Peter. Hey, you wanna go over to Duane Jones’ house after Intro to Philosophy today? He’s having a party. I heard that he got Wild Zero to play. PETER Pssh, we can just skip out on Philosophy. Professor Romero’s always half-asleep anyway. He won’t notice— STEPHEN AUGH! YOU FOOLS! Why are you thinking of partying and such trivial things when we have a quest to complete! We must be ready to leave for the Forest of Darkness before the sun reaches the top of the sky! PETER glares at STEPHEN STEPHEN Sorry, Peter. I forgot. ROGER Why did we even make this guy our roommate anyway? PETER Because he has a car. And he’s pretty good with early European history. STEPHEN Archers at the rear! Swordsmen at the front! We must be ready for the Norsemen’s invasion! ROGER Well, I guess that works. Doorbell rings ROGER That must be the dude from the electric store. SCENE 2 ROGER gets up from table and walks down hallway. He answers door. Repairman SHAUN is at the door. He is an obvious reference to SHAUN from SHAUN OF THE DEAD…bloodstained clothes, red tie, bloodstained cricket bat, Foree Electric employee tag. ROGER You’ve got red on you. SHAUN Yeah I know. I got a call about a broken microwave or something? Maybe it was a toaster? Lawnmower? I really have no bloody clue. ROGER Yeah, it was a microwave…come on in. SHAUN enters and ROGER closes door SCENE 3 ROGER and SHAUN walk back into the kitchen. SHAUN moves over to microwave and gets out tools. He begins to repair the microwave. ROGER returns to table. PETER Finally! Finally done with those godforsaken Physics notes! Now all I have to do is take that test. STEPHEN You shall not pass! PETER Hey, that one actually wasn’t that bad. STEPHEN Yeah, I know. I think I’m getting better at this. PETER That’s good. You’ve taken your first step into a larger world. STEPHEN and PETER laugh and continue eating breakfast SHAUN [singing] Tonight, I’m gonna have myself a real good time/ I feel ali-hi-hihive/ and the world it’s turning inside out yeah/ I’m floating around in ecstasy so don’t stop me now/ Don’t stop me now PETER, ROGER, and STEPHEN join in ALL Cuz I’m having a good time having a good time/ I’m a shooting star ripping through the sky/ like a tiger, defying the laws of gravity/ I’m a racing car passing by like Lady Godiva/ I'm gonna go go go/ There's no stopping me /I'm burning through the skies Yeah!/ Two hundred degrees/ That's why they call me Mister Fahrenheit/ I'm trav'ling at the speed of light/ I wanna make a supersonic man out of you— News report on television interrupts. ALL stop singing except for STEPHEN NEWSCASTER ---reports are coming in all across the country of this horrifying incident--- STEPHEN ---Don’t stop me now yeah! PETER Shut up! The group gathers around the television NEWSCASTER ---it appears that bread, toast, waffles, muffins, and other various foods belonging to the bread and grain food group have risen from their breadbaskets and have begun to attack the living. The government have advised citizens to stay in their homes and arm themselves in anyway that they can. We would love to tell you to kill the creatures by removing the head or destroying the brain, but bread doesn’t really have a head or a brain so we’ll just tell you to use good ol’ trial and error. In other news, an interview with Bill Cosby… Voice on television: “Mmmm…pudding!” PETER shuts off TV PETER What a bunch of crap… ROGER Seriously? Gahh…the media these days… SHAUN Why’d you shut it off? I wanted to hear about pudding! PETER Just get back to work! STEPHEN You fools! Don’t you know what this means?! The day has come! Humanity has reached it’s downfall! The end is nigh! ROGER SHUT UPPPPP!!!! FOR THE SWEET LOVE OF JOHN MCCAIN’S WRINKLY TESTICLES SHUTTTT UPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!! STEPHEN Fine! Fine! Don’t listen then! Continue mindlessly living your lives, while unbeknownst to you but knownst to me, your lives are in danger of a grainy and healthy demise! Mealh! MUAGHHH!! STEPHEN runs into his room screaming and locks the door ROGER He’s not coming back. PETER Nope. SHAUN’S cell phone rings. He answers. SHAUN Hello….oh, hey….yeah, it’s Shaun. Mmmhmm…..oh….okay….really?...oh, I see….yeah…uh huh…oh..oh…okay. Okay…..yeah, I’ll finish up with this microwave, then I’m coming to get you Barbara. Okay, bye. SHAUN puts away phone SHAUN Ahh…I’m starving. Hey guys, do you mind if I have something to eat? ROGER Not at all, go ahead. SHAUN Thanks mate. SHAUN walks to fridge and opens it. He pulls some bread out from it and puts it on a plate on the counter. He returns to the fridge and pulls out some butter and milk. He gets a glass out from a cupboard and pours milk into it. He returns the milk to the fridge and closes it. He takes the items over to the plate with the toast. He walks to another counter and gets a knife out from the drawer and walks back to the plate. He starts buttering the bread. SHAUN stares at the bread with a curious look on his face The bread does not move SHAUN’S eyes grow wider The bread does not move SHAUN’S face grows worried The bread does not move SHAUN begins screaming The bread does not move SHAUN continues screaming PETER What’s going on, Shaun? ROGER Are you okay? SHAUN is still screaming and staring at the bread The bread suddenly jumps on SHAUN’S face BREAD Braaiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHAUN OH MY GOD!!! AHH!!! AHHH!!!! OH MY GODDDD!!!! SHAUN pulls the bread from his face. There is some butter left on his cheek (simulating the zombie bite) ROGER runs up and stabs the bread with the butter knife SHAUN [breathing heavily] Oh…oh man. What the hell was that? PETER That…that…slice of bread just attacked Shaun. It was alive, and it tried to kill Shaun. Whatever that man inside the TV said is true. The bread of this planet has really come to life. It’s already happening. The world is ending. ROGER Oh, balls. SCENE 4 ROGER, PETER, and SHAUN have escaped the kitchen, but with several pieces of bread in pursuit. They are at the door to Stephen’s room, knocking. The bite wound on SHAUN’S cheek has grown worse. ROGER and PETER are supporting SHAUN. SHAUN is dizzy and pale; it’s obvious that the effects of zombreadification are taking over. ROGER [knocking] Stephen! Stephen, it’s us! PETER Let us in! ROGER Stephen! PETER Steve! ROGER God dammit! Stephen, let us in or I will personally throw your body to the hounds of the Dark King Zaragunak! Stephen opens the door STEPHEN I f*cking told you. PETER Let us in! STEPHEN No. Not until you apologize. ROGER Alright, we’re sorry. STEPHEN Nuh-uh. Like you mean it. ROGER Uggghhhh…..okay. Oh great and majestic Lord Stephen, Crusher of Dwarves, we express our deepest apologies in not believing your divine word. We swear, upon the sword of Redfield, God of the Skies, that we will never question thy power and magnificence again. STEPHEN Better. You may enter, my friends. ROGER, SHAUN, and PETER enter. STEPHEN quickly closes the door behind them and places the barricade back over the door. SHAUN stumbles into the room and collapses on the bed. The others gather around him. STEPHEN What happened? PETER He was attacked by a slice of bread. It bit him there on the cheek. Afterwards, he staggered and fell onto the ground. By the time we got him up, the rest of the bread had reanimated. I don’t know how many there are out there, about 9, 10, maybe more. STEPHEN carefully examines SHAUN’S wound. STEPHEN This is beyond my care. He needs elfish medicine. ROGER Stephen! Will you drop this for once! He could die, okay! STEPHEN And he will! There is nothing we can do! The only cure for him now is death, and even the gods are not kind enough to grant him that relief! PETER What…what do you mean? STEPHEN This humble microwave repairman will soon become one of them. He will soon join the hordes of the unbread. ROGER So what do we do? STEPHEN We wait. We care for him in anyway we can until the time comes. And most importantly, we find a way to end this wheaty madness. Peter, I think that you should lead our group here. PETER Right…um…okay. Roger, I need you to look around here and find any weapons that you can. ROGER Alright. ROGER begins looking through STEPHEN’S closet, drawers, etc. PETER Stephen, I need you to keep an eye on Shaun here. Give him water, anything that he needs. STEPHEN Consider it done, my lord. PETER I’ll keep watch on the zoast outside and I’ll be thinking of a plan. We can get through this! We can survive! SCENE 5 It’s roughly an hour later. SHAUN is still in the bed, and has almost reached the point of zombreadification. ROGER is still searching the room for weapons, at this point nearly the entire room is a mess. STEPHEN is still regularly checking up on SHAUN. PETER is sitting by the door on the ground, one hand on his forehead. He is still considering options. Outside, the moaning of the zombread can be heard. Toys, clothes, pillows, Nerf guns etc. are scattered on the floor. STEPHEN How many are out there? PETER About 25 last time I check. Damn you Albertsons! Damn you and damn your Buy 2 Get 1 Free Wonder Bread sale! STEPHEN Oh, I forgot about that. I was going to make a bunch of sandwiches for my quest to Mordor. PETER Yeah, it only lasted from 2:00 to 5:00 yesterday. Huge lines, out the door. I barely even got a spot in line. STEPHEN Did Albertsons have that 50% off sale on lawn gnomes? PETER No, no…that was Bed, Bath, and Beyond. ROGER Hey Pete, have you thought of a plan yet? PETER No…I can’t think of a single thing. I wish they’d just stop moaning so I could hear myself think. ROGER Well, I can’t find any real weapons back here. You’d think Stephen of all people would have some stashed away. STEPHEN The Dark Lord Sauron sent a group of orcs to raid our village a while back. The scum… ROGER Stephen, that was the police. You were running down the street with a 10 foot tall sword in your hands singing the lyrics to “Don’t Stop Believin’.” STEPHEN Blasphemy! ROGER [to PETER] So anyways, we’ve got no weapons…unless? PETER Unless what? ROGER I have an idea. ROGER picks up a Nerf gun and walks over to the door. He loads the Nerf gun. He removes the barricade and carefully opens the door. He fires at a zoast and it dies. PETER Wait…what just happened?! STEPHEN Sweet nipples, Batman! ROGER quickly closes the door and puts the barricade over it. He reloads the gun. ROGER Let’s do this. ROGER, STEPHEN, and PETER all grab Nerf guns. PETER [looks off-screen] Cue the music! An epic ‘80s song begins playing. They move over to the door, remove the barricade, and begin shooting zombread. STEPHEN At least these foul beasts aren’t like 28 Days Later freak zombies! PETER Yeah! A bunch of zoast run up and attack STEPHEN. He falls to the ground and tries to force them off, but they tear him apart off-screen. While he is devoured, the camera focuses on PETER and ROGER’S panicked faces. PETER NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! ROGER NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! PETER and ROGER destroy the zombread that have attacked STEPHEN, but it is too late. STEPHEN’S screams stop. He is dead. PETER Is…is he dead? ROGER I…think he is. PETER Oh my god…they killed Stevie. Those ***tards. PETER and ROGER Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! PETER and ROGER start high-fiving and jumping for joy. PETER Wait…we still have a job to do. ROGER [reloading his gun] Right. They continue shooting zombread to the tune of another epic 80’s song. STEPHEN (off-screen) Neeeeaaaaaaaaaaarrrrggggghhhhhh!!!!!!! PETER What the hell is that?!?! ROGER I just peed my pants!!! STEPHEN comes running through the horde of zombread screaming and firing a Nerf gun. He runs up to the doorway where the others are. ROGER Wha…what…why are you still alive?! You were supposed to be dead! STEPHEN I have been reborn to fight alongside my brothers once again. PETER No! This isn’t the way it works! You die and you stay dead! None of this rebirth crap! ROGER Just shut up and keep firing! They reload their weapons and keep shooting at the endless horde of unbread. STEPHEN You know what? ROGER What? STEPHEN I think we’re actually kind of lucky, ya know? Think about it…these could be Left 4 Dead crazy rampaging zombies! Once again, a bunch of zombread jump on STEPHEN and he dies again. ROGER and PETER A-ha! Come back to life now! STEPHEN [off-screen] Neeeeeeeeearrrrrrrrggggggghhh! PETER God damn it! Seriously?! STEPHEN runs through the hordes of unbread again. He returns to the doorway where PETER an ROGER are still standing. STEPHEN I have returned yet— ROGER --Whoa, whoa…just hold on for one frickin’ second! ROGER points to the zombread. ROGER No, no, stop! The bread stop advancing.. ROGER Okay, okay! Stephen, why the hell are you not dead?!?! We were all excited that you had died again, then you came back, and then you died, and then you came back?!! You aren’t Jesus! PETER I am depressed. STEPHEN I thought you of all people would like to see me alive! I thought we were friends! I thought our relationship meant something! I…[sniffles]…you were like my brothers… PETER Oh look, now you made him cry. ROGER Ughh…look, Steve, I’m sorry…okay? STEPHEN Alright…but don’t be surprised if I accidentally push you into the fires of Mount Doom. BREAD Brains? ROGER Yeah, you guys can go ahead. BREAD Brains. ROGER You’re welcome. Sorry about the wait. BREAD Brrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnssssssssss!!!!!!!!!! The unbread begin moving towards the door again. PETER, ROGER, and STEPHEN Crrrrrraaaaaaaaaaapppppp!!!!!!!!!! They all go back into STEPHEN’S room, shut the door, and barricade it. They are all breathing heavily. ROGER Whew…that was a close one. PETER Alright everyone, stock up on ammo. We’ll need to be ready for the next charge. SHAUN IN ZOMBREAD FORM [off-screen] Braaaiiiiinnnnnssss… ROGER, PETER, and STEPHEN look over at the bed. A single slice of bread is laying in it. SHAUN IN ZOMBREAD FORM Braaaaaaaaiiinnnnnnnnnnsssssss!!!!!!! ROGER Shoot it! STEPHEN Back to hell with thee! STEPHEN shoots SHAUN IN ZOMBREAD FORM STEPHEN All your base are belong to us, boi! PETER Alright, alright. Calm down. Roger, how much food do we have left? ROGER [looking over at a pile of junk food boxes and bags] Not a lot. I’d say roughly a day’s worth. If this outbreak doesn’t end soon, we’ll need to start searching the nearby houses. PETER Okay, then get a supply list started. Stephen? STEPHEN Yes, my King? PETER Hey…I could get used to that. Anyways, I’m going to have you as my watchman. Let us know if there’s any extreme increase in their numbers. STEPHEN Consider it done, my Lord. But, if I may, who watches the watchmen? PETER Just be on your guard, please. In the meantime, I’ll be devising a plan. ROGER How long do you think we’ll be here? PETER I don’t’ know. But whatever happens, we’re going to need a plan to get out of here. ROGER Damn, I wish we had some babes here. PETER Yes. I miss the babes. SCENE 6 It is nearly nighttime by now. The unbread have largely increased their numbers, and their moans have grown louder. Some of the group has begun to lose their sanity. STEPHEN sits in a corner slowly banging his head against the wall. ROGER is holding himself and whimpering for his mommy. PETER stares towards the door with intense eyes. ROGER This will never end. We will be here for the rest of our lives. PETER Come, on guys! Keep it together! We can make it out. PETER stands up with a Nerf gun in hand. PETER We have our guns! ROGER [stands up as well] And we have our strength! STEPHEN [stands up with an axe] And my axe! PETER Dude, seriously? STEPHEN …sorry, Pete. PETER Now, we can do this. There out there, waiting for us. We’re in here, waiting for them. And I’m sick of waiting! If we’re ever going to make it out of here, why not now?! STEPHEN King Peter is right! The only way to end the evils of Mordor is to go in there and fight them head on! PETER Right! Now, what do you think, Roger?....Roger? ROGER has strangely disappeared. PETER Oh well. Okay, Steve, get any guns you can and load ‘em. We’re getting the hell out of here. STEPHEN [grabbing some guns] Right. STEPHEN and PETER move over towards the barricade PETER Ready? STEPHEN Ready. They remove the barricade and open the door, yelling. Outside, the number of zoast has largely increased. PETER and STEPHEN look out in panic. PETER Hooollly crapp!!! STEPHEN For the love of Odin, fire! They begin frantically firing their guns, killing several of the walking bread. After several die, the sound of a toilet flushing can be heard. ROGER kicks down the door of STEPHEN’S bathroom holding a Nerf chaingun. He slowly walks up to the doorway where PETER and STEPHEN are. “The Final Countdown” by Europe begins to play. ROGER Neeearrgghhh!!!! ROGER begins wiping out the zoast horde, acting all epic and shit. PETER and STEPHEN see his act of bravery and join him in yelling and firing. ALL Neeeearrggghhh!!!! Many more unbread fall to the might of the three. After a while, they all run from the doorway and charge through the horde, killing all in their way. “The Final Countdown” is still playing. They turn from the hallway and continue into the kitchen, still killing the zoast. They turn another corner and head back towards STEPHEN’S room and by now, most of the unbread are dead. Hey, I rhymed there. Anyways, they run back into STEPHEN’S room and shut the door. SCENE 7 It is the next morning. PETER, ROGER, and STEPHEN are still inside STEPHEN’S room. Unbeknownst to our heroes but knownst to us, the zombread outbreak is over. The camera zooms in on the door. It slightly opens. PETER’S, ROGER’S, and STEPHEN’S head poke out of the door. ROGER Heellloooo? Anyone there? Anyone there who wants our brains? PETER I think…I think they’re all gone. STEPHEN Hah! Cowards! Yes, crawl back to Sauron you fell creatures! ROGER Gah…I’m hungry. PETER I think we still have some cereal left over in the kitchen. All three of them open the door fully and leave the room with their guns drawn. They move slowly and cautiously until they reach the kitchen. They lower their weapons and gather around the table. ROGER and STEPHEN get cereal boxes out from the pantry. PETER goes over and turns on the television to the news. NEWSCASTER The horrors of yesterday’s zombread outbreak have finally drawn to a close this morning. Response teams from around the nation are currently eliminating any remaining members of the living bread. Scientists blame an extreme mutation in bread mold to be the cause of the outbreak. In other news, my tiny little nipples went to France… PETER shuts off the TV. He walks over to the table where ROGER and STEPHEN are now sitting and eating cereal. PETER Man…what a night. STEPHEN Yes, it was a long and difficult battle indeed. ROGER I just hope that never happens again. PETER Yeah…well, at least it’s over. STEPHEN [looking at camera] Or is it? ROGER leans in to the camera shot singing the Twilight Zone theme. The screen fades to black SCENE 8/CREDITS The camera pans around a kitchen, before resting on a bag on a counter. The camera zooms in on the bag. A donut crawls out of the bag, stands up, and says “Braaaiiinnnnnsssssss” Scene fades to black. “(I Just) Died In Your Arms” by Cutting Crew begins to play. The credits roll. THE END …or is it? |
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| Jessie | May 31 2009, 10:42 PM Post #2 |
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haha, when you finish this movie will we get to see it? |
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| Anomy | Jun 3 2009, 01:45 AM Post #3 |
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Extreme Member
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This is absolutely hysterical. I love it. xD |
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| +Linden | Jun 5 2009, 10:07 PM Post #4 |
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awesomesauce
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I regret I didn't get to read this earlier. |
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