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"How Not to Write..."
Topic Started: Jun 9 2009, 09:40 PM (1,284 Views)
NeesiePie
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Okay, I'm not sure I've ever seen an entire episode of Gomer Pyle in my life, but I thought this could apply to just about any fan fic....



How NOT to Write a Gomer Pyle Fanfiction

I got this idea after reading some pretty sick stuff and Fomalhaut’s ‘How NOT to write Titanic fanfiction.’ This is stuff that, in my opinion, has no place in Gomer Pyle fanfiction. No place whatsoever. It’s pretty bad, so read at your own risk…


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So…this is a relatively new category. You’ve seen the show before, so you decide to go ahead and take a headlong dive in to its fanfiction realm, right? WRONG! Before writing the most amazing fanfiction ever, there are a few key elements you must remember to include…

Note: This tutorial focuses on two main components: realism and “anything goes!” (No, these are not conflicting ideas!)

First of all, forget about doing ANY research on the Marine Corps before starting. Who cares about technicalities or history? That stuff’s for bookworms who have no life whatsoever! This is your story, and in your story anything and everything can happen at Camp Henderson. Your reviewers will thank you for sparing the history lesson later.

Next, you must set yourself a goal. Every good writer has a personal goal in mind when they type up a story. The goal for this genre of fanfiction should always be along the lines of ‘I’m going to try to integrate as many swear words as possible.’ This makes your story seem much more real. So get a #$&% move on and don’t forget this #$&% rule!

Most of all, forget about the canon characters’ personalities. Characterization and keeping with the canon is for pansies. You can create much more real personas for these characters! For help with this rule, refer to the following cheat sheet:

Duke, Lester and Frankie don’t need to have different personalities! That takes too much time and effort! Reduce their roles to one, as part of a collective group of men. Think of it this way: their dialogue should be no more important than that of an average Wal-Mart greeter. Never mind that this is a somewhat Communistic portrayal. You just don’t need to waste your precious brain cells on such minor characters!

Sergeant Carter should be more one-dimensional than multi-faceted, as he was in the series. Remember, anything goes! You reduce the problem of having to worry about his many sides by making him paranoid and always cursing to himself. That is, when he’s not drinking of course. His lines come so much easier this way, and get this…your readers will think you actually hit him spot on! OMG!!!

Colonel Grey should be reduced to a dishonorable drunkard and…OMG, a cliffy! a womanizer. Never mind that he would probably get thrown out of the Marines for indulging in these activities while on duty or in uniform. Forget the fact that the Colonel is one of the most important figures on the base to all of the men, or that he has a daughter in college. Your Colonel Grey is so much more real!

And please, please make sure you portray the Gomer Pyle that we all know and love: a violent, strong brute that can cuss a blue streak that would make a sailor blush. Don’t forget to describe in graphic detail all of his sexual frustrations, because we all know he has them, and also because we’re just dying to know. This task can only be accomplished by the most skillful of writers. You may become a living legend by pulling this off right. You should really consider becoming a published author!

And don’t forget, it’s completely within reason to change up the canon as you find necessary. This is a very important point to remember when trying to figure out how to get rid of Lou Ann. The solution is very simple: you turn her into a two-timing bitch who’s been…OMG, a cliffy! sleeping with Monroe this whole time. You really didn’t care for her in the series, mainly because she squandered all of poor Mary Sue’s hopes. This is the perfect way to unleash your hatred and push her out of the way. Besides, your reviewers will love this added twist!

Now that you’ve effectively taken care of Lou Ann, you’ve thus cleared the stage for your very own oh-so-fabulous OC! (Be sure to mention in your summary that she is NOT a Mary Sue.) You can create her from your imagination or base her off of a minor character from an earlier episode, but be sure to make this girl all your own. Give her a great, stunning name, like Martina April Mayflowers. When introducing her, be sure to describe her clothes to the last detail. Be sure to use the term “curves in all the right places.” Her hair should never be a normal color. It should always be chestnut, golden, or ebony, and so flowy that all guys take a look at her and start frothing at the mouth. (Flowy is not a real word, but that doesn’t matter…use it anyway! It sounds good, and people will be sure to catch your meaning.) Never mind with the historical research that undoubtedly would have told you that she would have looked like a hippie prostitute in the 1960s. This is your story. Remember: anything goes!

Title your story as simply as possible. Base your plot off of some movie you were watching after the late show last night, and title it the same thing. (We don’t want to know why you were up that late watching TV, so please don’t include it in your summary!) That takes out the hard part. Man, this story writing business is a piece of cake! Start your rating out as T. You can always change it later, if you have to.

Now, for the plot of your story. Take the plot of insert movie’s name here for the boring junk. Right now, you need to write the parts that pertain to what’s in your heart! Start it out like this: Gomer discovers Lou Ann’s infidelity and begins to go wild about the base. He is so enraged that he fast becomes a danger to everyone, including himself. Never mind that the real Gomer Pyle would never hurt a fly. This is your story: anything goes! But then Martina April Mayflowers comes waltzing onto the scene and Gomer, at first glance…OMG, a cliffy! falls head over heels for her. Never mind that this is one of the oldest fairy-tale gags in the book – your objective is to make Gomer Pyle seem more real, remember?

Sounds pretty good so far, right? I mean, this is the makings of a great story. You just may be another insert famous author’s name here ! Now, in the meantime, be sure to include lots of pointless conversations between the two lovers as the plot of insert movie’s name here (a.k.a. the boring junk) takes place. Better yet, while all this is going on, create a fantastic background for Gomer! Nothing is too far out, even saying he’s from another planet! (Remember, you’re going for realism here!) Make sure Gomer vents all of his sexual frustrations to a sympathetic Martina, who undoubtedly has a mouth as filthy as his.

Now you have reached the culminating point in your fanfiction. This is the time when you change your story’s rating to M and have the two…OMG, a cliffy! go to bed together. Never mind that this is about as far from the original intent of the show as possible – anything goes! Be sure to describe the movements in graphic detail (after all, you would know!) and make sure Gomer’s horny actions are those of an experienced lover, despite this being his first time. (Realism, realism, realism.) And, of course, be sure to detail as steamy a physical appearance as possible. Focus on wardrobe aspects – or lack thereof – because again we’re all just dying to know. Especially be sure to entail Gomer’s muscularity and manliness. Never mind that this is the same person you’re describing is one who had trouble scaling an obstacle course wall and made paper flowers in the series. At this point, it might as well be best to throw the canon completely out the window! It’s totally meaningless, anyway.

Finally, assume that your readers have the collective IQ of a typical paramecium. Talk down to them whenever possible. You don’t want them cracking out a dictionary every five seconds to check your meaning, after all. And besides, wordiness takes away from the point of your beautiful story.

Also remember that, though it wouldn’t hurt, spelling and grammar are not of the utmost importance.

Make sure you include a summary of your story that will excite your readers enough to read your story. Put it along the lines of ‘my story of Gomer Pyle gettin’ some. I suck at summaries. Please read.’ Now, if that doesn’t make your readers jump out of their seats, believe me: nothing will.

Now, as for the conclusion of your story, isn’t it obvious? Gomer’s problems of sexual frustration have been solved! Be sure not to include a love child, as Martina April Mayflowers is quite experienced in the realm of contraception. Instead, you end the story by having the pair…OMG, a cliffy! live happily ever after by sleeping together every other night. Never mind that you have now turned Gomer into the evil whore you made Lou Ann out to be earlier, or that this would be impossible due to the amount of passes and liberties a serviceman is allowed…hypocritical technicalities are just sordid details! You are above that!

Note: Your reviewers may say this is too much like a bad 80s movie (and there were a lot of them) and that your beautiful shining star Martina is just another Mary Sue. If they are not anonymous, please respond with a lengthy explanation of why it/she is not what they say it is and that they wouldn’t know a great piece of fictitious literature if it hit them on the nose. This type of response that typically works best is ‘u r soooo meeeeeeeeean!’

So concludes this useful tutorial. Follow all of the steps and pointers listed above and you are on your way to writing a masterpiece! You will have your reviewers positively eating out of your hand! Why, you may ask? Your story is head and shoulders above the rest because you made it so real! Remember, it all started right here.

Happy writing!

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OJFan
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Very clever. I think you should SHOW us though how to write fanfiction - ie...put out a new story :)
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messyhead
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I cringe. How many of these sins do I commit on a regular basis? Is this pointed commentary, N-P?
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OJFan
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I was wondering the same thing...for me, not for messyhead :)
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messyhead
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This critique, though I can't disagree with the substance, is a bit cheap and easy. Bad writing is easy to find, and criticizing it is an easy way to look superior. Do people really go to fan fiction expecting to find the next Tolstoy hidden in the junk pile of the "My Mother the Car" stories? What are these discerning readers there for? Is it perhaps that they hope to read a story that will satisfy their own foolish fantasies - which also revolve (like the hack author's) around an old TV series or manga comic?

Come to think of it, the critique isn't as pointed or well written as it could have been either!
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bionic4ever
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It had a couple of good points, but was far too long-winded and uppity-sounding. :D
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OJFan
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I totally agree. How much fun is a story that has to meet all the requirements "not listed" in that piece? Why DO you have to develop all the minor characters? Do you really need to do a week's worth of research on nuclear submarines to write about one? Sure, it would help if you knew that Africa is a continent not a country or maybe some basic societal principals, but aside from that, most of the audience probably doesn't know much about a nuclear sub. As far as sticking to the canon, to me it seems that ALL fanfiction strays somewhat from the canon - depending on how strict your interpretation of the cannon may be. As long as the characters have some semblance to the show, I think that's fine - unless the story revolves around an explanation of WHY they've deviated from this norm.
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bionic4ever
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I've only done major, extensive research for a handful of stories....but have to admit that when I did, it made a big difference.
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OJFan
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I've never done MAJOR research, which was apparent when I was corrected about Venice not having cars in the old part of the city. Never having been there, I had no idea, but it showed me that I should do SOME light homework before I start.
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bionic4ever
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My heaviest research was actually for one of my lightest stories - Tightrope.
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messyhead
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By the way, have you encountered the "Mary-Sue" discussion in fanfiction?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_Sue_fanfiction

I hope that the use of Jaime precludes any of us from this particular sin...!
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bionic4ever
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Yikes! Jaime sounds an awful lot like Mary Sue....always being right, always on the side of good, always getting her man....
But we didn't create her that way - the BW writers did! :D
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messyhead
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eHow offers some guidelines as to how to write good fan fiction:


Step 1

Write what you know, to write good fan fiction. If you have never or have rarely seen "ER," for example, then there is no point in you writing a story based on its characters.

Step 2

Write what you like, to write good fan fiction. If you have seen the "Harry Potter" movies, but don't particularly like them or feel invested in the characters, then your fan fiction will show this lack of interest.

Step 3

Include canon in your fan fiction, unless you are writing an alternate-universe (AU) story. Canon refers to those character personality traits and back-history that most rabid watchers of the show will recognize. While some readers don't care if you make up non-canon details (such as Frodo having a mad affair with Gandalf in "The Lord of the Rings"), others will be immediately turned off.

Step 4

Clearly label an alternate-universe story as such. By the same token, to write good fan fiction, clearly label stories that have sex, violence or other disturbing elements that were not in the original television show or movie.

Step 5

Avoid "Mary Sue." Mary Sue is a term in fan fiction that refers to a non-canon character who plays a big role in the plot, while clearly representing either author self-insertion or some kind of wish-fulfillment from the author. Mary Sue is usually (but not always) female, has exotic eyes and a mysterious past. She often possesses unrealistic or mystic traits that are not supported by the original source material. To the frustration of readers, she generally has an affair with a main character, saves the day and dies a hero.

Step 6

Get a beta reader. A beta reader checks fan fiction for grammar, spelling and plot difficulties. You cannot write good fan fiction in a vacuum; a beta reader will be able to see problems that the writer may miss. Many fandoms keep lists of beta readers handy for writers who need one.

I think there may be more to it than that, but all those points are good things to keep in mind.


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bionic4ever
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Now that is a helpful, positive article. Thanks, Messyhead!
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OJFan
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THAT is a great article :) I like the part about a beta reader. I've been lucky enough to have some kind souls beta read for me and it makes the WORLD of difference in being able to deliver a better product.
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