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Zuben's Fabulous Blog; Stuff I want to get out there you may or may not give a shit about.
Topic Started: Apr 1 2013, 11:20 PM (445 Views)
Zuben
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No grand intro for the time being. Just this. 26, bitches!

WOOOO!


Don't you hate it, when someone speaks to you about someone you both know, sometimes even know well, and they refer to them as "their friend"? Why would they not inform you they are talking about someone you know as well, leading you think it's someone you're not familiar with in the slightest?

That is hard to decipher by yourself, of course, but the elements they talk about sometimes fit too well to a person you know and/or you know something from outside the discussion that reveals their deception.

And if you only have a strong suspicion of the fact, which then may not be a fact, the uncertainty they leave you with eats you from inside and you crave to find out more, from one source or another.

That, of course, doesn't apply, if you don't care about the person you believe they are talking about, but even then it's frustrating of them, when you catch their deception. Whenever I talk about someone I know my discussion partner knows to some degree as well, I give them a name and a quick reference to who it is. Except here, right now. Now it's all hypothetical. Totally.
Since my post about what I felt at the moment didn't seem to qualify as a legit post in a feelings-thread, let's write something here then. My ex is a coward, who doesn't understand even her own feelings. She's the kind of person, who pushes her friends away from her life, when they develop an element that's not to her liking. I'm not the only one, she admitted to me she was going to do the same to a female friend we both know if said female friend would react badly to me and my ex having a thing and not telling her about it(we were under the impression that this female friend had a crush on me).

Well, the female friend reacted just fine to the revelation, her feelings towards me had ended almost a year ago. Isn't that something to laugh about. This bit of news came with great sense of relief to my ex and it made her open up to me some more again. It wasn't to last, she clearly still had issues with me, stuff she herself doesn't understand either, and through the spring it came to this: A facebook message telling me she feels she needs to cut off our friendship.

We talked about it through the chat, I don't think there's anything more I can do. I think some of her issues come from me being the only guy she's ever had sex with and the last time for that was over 8 months ago. I thought she was in a serious relationship with a guy she met in February, but recently I found out they only went on some dates, then the guy blew her off when she talked about advancing further. Not sure if there's someone now, but I know she was single in April.

There was a time I felt agony over the thought of her being with other men, but now I kinda hope she finds someone soon. Then my status as THE EX is less intimidating and she might get over her shit then. A lot of maybes in this and certainly a time span of potentially long nature. I will continue to hang with our common friends like nothing's changed, she just has to deal with it, just like I have to deal with her bullshit. I'll leave her problems for her to figure out, that seems to be the way she prefers it anyway. Yesterday I felt rage and frustration and whatnot, but now I feel like leaving this mess behind and do other stuff. I have been doing other stuff through the Spring, so nothing's really changed. I have a summer in a new apartment downtown ahead of me, so hopefully this summer will be even greater than last year with my ex.
Edited by Zuben, Jun 1 2013, 01:06 PM.
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baldgye
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Get over it
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Zuben
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Finally got my car sold. Went cheaper than I think it's worth, but I'm glad to be rid of it now that I no longer need it. Then again, it served me well for 7 years so it's also a sad thing to see it go. At least the buyer seemed like a good chap.
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Good thing the feelings thread was removed, as I think it played its part in keeping the drama alive. There's now a new girl, new rejection and once I again I feel like shit, but fuck it. I used to have this code of sorts on how to proceed after rejection etc. but that has never been pleasant for me, so I think it's time for something different. Something radical, out of my comfort zone. I should look into this.
Edited by Zuben, Feb 18 2014, 07:29 PM.
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baldgye
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I don't know how people grow up to be so fucking emo
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Zuben
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There were some variables in my life algorithm that fucked my shit up.
She's gone now. Let's see if I've learned anything.
Yesterday I danced like a motherfucking boss, and today I'm paying the iron price. Proper post-exercise stretching, ain't nobody got time for that!

Just realized my childhood friends and the people I've come to know through them... are boring as fuck. Good people and good company one on one, but during a get-together it's all economics/beer/core politics, and I have next to zero interest and knowledge of those.
It's amazing what you can do with just four months of diligent diet and workout. Looking forward to see how I look after another four months.
Berlin was great. Even feels like a place I could move to if I ever learned to speak German and got a job in my field there. It's rather unexpected to feel this way, as I've always been content living in my hometown, which is maybe 1/20 of Berlin's size and houses maybe 1/60 of the population. Everything relevant downtown is more or less at a walking distance here and I've liked it that way, but Berlin's public transit works so fluidly that it doesn't matter how far everything is from each other.

Also currywurst.
Midsummer celebration is here again! Taking off to a cottage with a group of friends, drink a lot and burn some shit.

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Graduation papers arrived in the mail, I'm a professional graphics worker of some sort now. Says so in black and white if not in sheer skill, anyway.
Edited by Zuben, Jun 26 2014, 08:56 AM.
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Zuben
Mar 1 2014, 06:00 PM
Graduation papers arrived in the mail, I'm a professional graphics worker of some sort now. Says so in black and white if not in sheer skill, anyway.
Awww yeah

(lol I'm so late)
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An article on a new upcoming game Hatred. Immense judgmental tone from both the author and in the comments for this game. Looks like Postal to me, which was an okay game back in the day. From just seeing the trailer I'd criticize the game for being narratively clumsy and simple, but otherwise it looks like an intriguing look into the climaxing moments of a disgruntled sociopath. If the gameplay is like Postal 1, then it may entertain me for a time, till its simplicity gets in the way.

The great amount of people lambasting this game for its chosen setting irritates me. Sure, with all the real world violence, especially in American schools in the last decade, it's not surprising you may find it offensive. But it should be a personal feeling and not an absolute societal value. It's not real innocent people you're massacring in this game, they're just NPCs like in any popular violent game the gaming community enjoys daily. I do prefer to use non-lethal methods in games that allow it, e.g. Metal Gears, but despite that I see a clear distinction between VG violence and real world violence.

Whenever I held a loaded gun during my service in Finnish Defense Forces, I felt the weight of responsibility heavily. That was a tool meant to do serious harm to real people; I was glad to to put it down with safety on and clip removed. No video game has given me anywhere near that feeling. I'm essentially distanced to the suffering of NPCs as it is not real suffering. The reason I prefer to take enemies out non-lethally is that alive they continue to have the potential to be an element in the game, asset or otherwise, while dead they're just that, dead. Also, many games offer preferred rewards/outcomes for choosing the noble way. Let's take Dishonored and the Lady Boyle mission. Killing her is simple, knocking her out and sneaking her to the specific point for extraction is more interesting. There is some sense of delight in choosing the non-lethal option over lethal in itself, but it's not overwhelming, especially when it comes to mere grunts with no relevance to anything. Some games are good at invoking that feeling, but in their cases it's an element of focus.

Therefore I think games shouldn't be held accountable to moral standards. If a game is ultraviolent and gruesome in its setting up to the level you don't appreciate, ignore it and move on; others will do the same without you hate-campaigning against it, if they genuinely feel the same. Game developers should be allowed to explore any field they want in their games. Hatred may be hamfisted in its narrative, but people seem to rather take offense in its chosen setting, a disgruntled, world-hating sociopath going on a rampage. Like you shouldn't be allowed to make games about that sort of person, and if you do you are an awful person yourself and you should be shunned for it. It's a witchhunt mentality by easily-offended people. Some may even call it societal fascism, tyranny of the crowd.

Sales will dictate the worth of a game that dares to try something different, so if games about sociopaths are not desired, they won't be frequent. Hatred could be a shitty game with clumsy narrative, but we simply don't know that yet. I'm not offended by its setting, so I'm interested to see how well it turns out and how interesting its protagonist is. If it's ultimately unimaginative smut, then to hell with it.
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Looking forward to the next blog
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