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A confession.
Topic Started: Feb 26 2013, 09:34 PM (544 Views)
TheZooTycooner14
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The Trophy Master
So, I had a specific reason for making this forum. It's because I have a bit of a confession to make. It's something i've talked to my mom about already (although not in much detail), and with one other person on Northern Skies, but It's about time I let you know as well. You're my best friend, after all, and you deserve to know.

I kind of discovered it by accident. It's something about myself that I never would have guessed a year ago, but I’m glad I’ve discovered it, as It feels like I understand myself a lot better now. It actually physically hurts to recount this, but to make a long story short; before Northern Skies died, there was an Administrator named Brown Wolf there. I forget exactly how I started talking to her, but I liked her a lot. She was very kind, very fair when it came to warnings, very intelligent, was an artist and gamer like me, and we had very similar feelings towards animals (and many other things). Eventually there was a need to hire new staff there, and she asked me if I would be interested. I was ecstatic at the idea, and I was soon promoted to Global Moderator. I got to interact with her a lot more after that, and eventually, Eric started up a Minecraft server just for the members of staff. That was when all of us really bonded and became good friends, and that was also the time that I started growing more attracted to Brown Wolf. She always had such amazing ideas and stories when it came to what she built, and she was so much fun to play with.

Eventually, I found myself daydreaming about her, and it was at this point that I realized I had very strong feelings for her. I know what she looks like because she posted photos on NS, and I’ve never seen anyone more beautiful.

Very soon, though, Northern Skies began to die. Brown Wolf became less active, and eventually she disappeared without a word for a good number of months. Everyone in the staff room was worried about her, because we know she has Lyme disease and is prone to getting really sick. It was worrisome not hearing from her for so long, and we all feared the worst. Then, out of nowhere, she showed some very ominous activity on deviant art. For this to make sense, you have to understand that she is gay. Her real name is Christa Quillin, and one of the things she did was change her deviant art name to "Chrisquillin" (female to male). Combined with this, she also posted a painting of a bison that she called, "The Last Stand" along with this quote:

"When your time comes, sing your death song and die like a hero going home."

Just by getting to know her, it was clear that she was very much the "male" in her relationship with her fiancée', so when we all thought she was dying and she changed her name to "Chrisquillin", it seemed as if, with dying, she was becoming her true self. I was very upset and combined with the stress of my social anxiety (which had worked itself up pretty high around then), my emotions were a mess, and I wrote an impulsive message to her confessing my love for her. I've never made such a horrible mistake.

She wrote back without mentioning what I’d said, apologizing for worrying everyone, and explaining that she just didn't have access to the internet for all those months she was gone. She said she would be back again soon after everything settled down again in real life. I wrote back saying I was glad to hear she was safe, and that we all looked forward to having her around again. However, she became active at a different Zoo Tycoon 2 forum, and never returned to ours. I'm almost certain it's my fault, that I drove her away with my confession, which was very poorly written and very impulsive, and which I only sent to her because I truly didn't think she would see it. I was - and am - extremely embarrassed by it, and I’m pissed at myself for ever writing it.

I wrote another message to her after a while, apologizing for the first one and reassuring her that I wouldn't act any differently towards her than I have in the past if she came back, because I understand she has a fiancée' already and I would respect that. I explained that I only sent the message because I didn't think she would see it, and that I was a mess emotionally at the time. However, she never responded to this, and I don't think she plans on ever speaking to me again.

Anyways, all of that to say, I’m homosexual, or at least bisexual. I'm really not sure at this point. It explains a lot of things, though. With the realization that I'm gay, it really got me thinking. I remember at Kadena I had a crush on one or two guys throughout my time there, and in high school too, but looking back, I realize I was actually forcing myself to have those crushes. I thought I liked them, but I really just wanted to like them, and I tried. I did the traditional daydreaming stuff, scribbling their names with hearts around them on my papers and whatnot, but it was all false. It didn't really mean anything, and I never really felt anything for them.

Another realization I had after discovering I was gay (and I guess this is kind of a confession in itself), is that the only kind of porn I ever watch is lesbian porn. I discovered porn when I was 11, and I’ve been watching it ever since, but looking back, I realize it's very rare that I’ve ever looked up anything involving men.

Also, after remembering that I used to listen to Avril Lavigne when I was younger, and after looking up an official music video of hers, I realize that I actually find her really attractive, lol. Maybe that’s why she was my favorite singer for the longest time.

So yeah… that’s my confession. I’m not ashamed of my sexuality, nor is my mom. I’m not sure what you’ll think of it, but I hope you won’t mind. I don’t think you will, but you never know with this kind of thing.

Hope to hear from you soon hon. :)
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She walks with Demons
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The Dohvakin
I'm sorry she responded that way, hun. But you know what? Congratulations. I'm glad you've learned something about yourself and accepted it.^^ you have my support, as always. Nothing can change my opinion of you. You are my Angel.
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She walks with Demons
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The Dohvakin
Sorry to respond to such a long and heartfelt confession with only a few sentences, but I'll come clean and let you know I'm still in question on my own preferences in a partner. I've always though "that girl has such a pretty face" or "wow, I love her voice" about females, but I've never had my own crush on someone. With all agreement Alex is attractive, I based my love for him on how he treats me, how he behaves with and without me, and of course all the personality, humor, intelligence, and all that (<-- totally romantic, right? :p). I'll figure it out in time of course, as I've only just entered the game of Hearts, but in all honesty, you are my dearest, most treasured friend and I will always be by your side.
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TheZooTycooner14
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The Trophy Master
Those are great things to base your love upon. Looks should have little to do with a relationship, and I think being bisexual is just another way of saying, "I'll love you no matter what you look like". It shows that you know how to love without being judgemental. That's not to say that straight people are judgemental, of course. Brown Wolf is the first person i've ever truly loved, but i'm attracted to Eric, TradeMark and Ghost on Northern Skies as well, just not on the same level as Brown Wolf. They would be the runners-up, but that's why I think i'm bisexual rather than gay. There's also a girl at school named Shannon (lol, coincidence) who i'm very attracted to as well. She's very level-headed, intelligent, and extremely cheerful ALL the time. She's the kind of person you just instantly like and want to be friends with. The only problem is... she's straight, with a boyfriend, and is in her thirties, although she doesn't look it. I think that's going to be one of the biggest problems when it comes to preferring females; the pickings suddenly become very slim.

With time you'll discover who you really are and how you feel. There's no rush. Like you said, you've entered the game of hearts quite recently, while i've been in it for years. Hell, i'm still not certain of my sexuality - bi or gay - so I still have lots to learn too. :)

Also, i'm not sure why, but I had a feeling about you. I never really thought about it consiously, but subconsiously, I think I wondered if you were gay or not. There's also a girl named Amber at school who is gay, and before I found out she was, I had a feeling that she was too. I think I have a gaydar. :P
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She walks with Demons
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The Dohvakin
Hahahaha yes, the pickings do shrink X3 that's was the best statement I've ever read LOL!

But yeah, you'll find someone^^ I'm glad you were able to be honest with me about this. I wish you every happiness this world has to offer you!
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TheZooTycooner14
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The Trophy Master
Thanks hon. ^_^ and i'm glad I could make you laugh. :P By the way, I edited the last part of my previous post.
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She walks with Demons
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The Dohvakin
X3 well I think it starts with exposure and acceptance. You make your own decisions of course, but influence is always a big part. I had two or three bi friends and a male gay friend. Of course, when I first met them, I'd never really known anyone else like this, and I'm pleased to say it was easy to accept and be comfortable around them. I also have a female gay coworker, and she's great, too^_^
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TheZooTycooner14
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The Trophy Master
That's great. ^_^ For me, Northern Skies was my 'exposure and acceptance' seeing as I haven't really got many friends in real life. I do have them since coming to college, but I haven't even hung out with any of them outside of school yet. Well, I did with Kayla, but it was an awkward visit for some reason. Not sure why, but she's not someone I could grow close to.

If you're interested, I can show you the three photos of Brown Wolf I have. I really wish I had more. Do you remember that design team I mentioned called Aurora Designs who're working on remaking Zoo Tycoon 2 in realistic graphics? Brown Wolf is a member of that team. I just can't get over how amazing she is, and what i'm missing, all because of our location and the fact that she's already with someone. It seems so unfair, getting to meet and fall in love with such an amazing person, but never having a chance at being with them.
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She walks with Demons
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The Dohvakin
Sure, if they're okay with you sharing their pictures.
Yeah, I don't get to hang out with my work buddies or classmates anymore. I live too far away for them.
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TheZooTycooner14
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The Trophy Master
I don't think she would appreciate me sharing her pictures, since, judging by her reaction, she's probably uncomfortable simply by the fact that I like her, but this is a completely private forum. It's just you and me, so I don't feel uncomfortable showing you without her permission. It's the same as if you were visiting my house and I showed you while you were looking over my shoulder. I see nothing wrong with that. I realize I might seem like a creep for this, but you have no idea how precious these photos are to me. It's not like i'm spreading them around the web or anything.

Anyways, here you go. She's 22 by the way.

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