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High Five! (Chapter 9 complete, now with a Brother vs Brother conflict!); The Story of Kai-Leng's long lost brother
Topic Started: Apr 11 2012, 10:01 PM (924 Views)
insani
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This story isn't very serious.


Prologue: Up High!

An irritated illusive man asked, "Is this a joke? Do you think I have nothing better to do with my time?"

"No, sir."

The Illusive Man sighed. He spoke, trying not to sound too irritated, "So then, you're telling me your name is High Five, and you're on a quest of revenge against one of my Operatives, Kai-Leng."

"Hai-Fyve, but yes, sir."

The Illusive Man sighed again, "And you want to avenge your mother, who was called 'Yme-Ded'."

"Yes, sir."

Once again, The Illusive Man spoke, much more irritated this time, "Get the hell out of my office."

"Fine, sir. But you'll regret this, sir."

Hai-Fyve respectfully Tornado-Missile kicked out of the building. He then fell ten stories down, and broke every bone in his body.
Luckily, however, he was well equipped with Medi-Gel, and he then proceeded to make evil plans of revenge, and suffering. That is, until he noticed a dozen of Asari dancers, and managed to seduce them with his rugged beard and a lot of drugs. He then proceeded to have the most violent drug-fueled orgy ever seen in all of citadel space. Twenty men died, and he was shipped to jail.

Naturally, he loaded a previous save and went with the Paragon interrupt this time.
Edited by insani, Apr 27 2012, 02:43 AM.
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T3HFish
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The Shadow Broker
What... what.... what did I just read?

insani have I mentioned I find you twistedly hilarious?
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insani
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T3HFish
Apr 11 2012, 10:06 PM
What... what.... what did I just read?

insani have I mentioned I find you twistedly hilarious?
Ha, thanks. :$

I've been told I have a dark sense of humor. :v
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Rainwhisker
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insani, is your name pronounced insan-knee or insaney? I think reading this I am getting closer to the latter. That was very fun to read. XD
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insani
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When I adopted it as my username as a kid, I was going for 'insaney'. But after tens of people pronouncing it 'Insan-knee' over microphone in online games, I've adopted that as it's pronunciation. :P

Also, Tornado-Missile Kick is like... Imagine it as a person kicking forwards, except he's spinning around. But his foot is in the same place. So he's doing a tornado missile kick. So it's basically a really illogical motion (like you'd see in Gmod), while rotating 360, but without actually moving at all besides the rotation.
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NotCras
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Is not cras. That guy is a jerk.
insani
Apr 12 2012, 04:26 AM
When I adopted it as my username as a kid, I was going for 'insaney'. But after tens of people pronouncing it 'Insan-knee' over microphone in online games, I've adopted that as it's pronunciation. :P

Also, Tornado-Missile Kick is like... Imagine it as a person kicking forwards, except he's spinning around. But his foot is in the same place. So he's doing a tornado missile kick. So it's basically a really illogical motion (like you'd see in Gmod), while rotating 360, but without actually moving at all besides the rotation.
hahaha I could totally imagine that kick, and I am going to go recreate it in gmod right now xD
and yes i like your nickname!

story was hilarious... as I've come to expect from you :P

can you make a part 2 about the paragon interrupt?
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insani
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He probably just said

'winners dont do drugs'

Or something. :P I don't think it's worth a whole chapter.
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NotCras
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Is not cras. That guy is a jerk.
insani
Apr 12 2012, 10:09 PM
He probably just said

'winners dont do drugs'

Or something. :P I don't think it's worth a whole chapter.
hahahaha winners dont do drugs xD


well what about making him cry? and then going on the revenge quest and dying xD

... eh yeah the more i think about it the less it seems like another chapter... nevermind lol
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insani
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Chapter 1: Down low!

Hai-Fyve woke up, to find an angry Commander Shepard, and a frightened Liara T'soni.

Shepard's gun was pointed at Hai's face, a Carnifex pistol. He screamed at Hai-Fyve, "What the hell is wrong with you?! Who do you think you are, sleeping with MY love interest?!"

Hai-Fyve rubbed his eyes.

Shepard continued, "I had to pay a thousand credits to several people who had slept with her, ONLY to find out that SHE WAS A VIRGIN! And then I had to research mind control techniques to make her tell me how to seduce her! And then I had to do it! And let me tell you, Asari mating rituals are QUITE a painful experience!"

Hai-Fyve slowly started to get out of bed, made his way to the living room, and drank some coffee, all the while an infuriated Shepard screamed at him, "And not only that, but YOU didn't even have to go through all of them! Not to mention that I had to had to save the entire galaxy! I think I deserve some Godd-"

Hai-Fyve turned around, threw his cup of coffee at Shepard, and said, "Dude. Shut the f__k up."

He then High-Fived his face, causing him to wildly spin through the wall, flying into the neighboring house and beheading a Turian who was in the process of making love to a female human. He continued to spin, until finally, he ended up crashing into a cerberus base, and was captured.

Liara nervously walked up to Hai, and asked, "Was that really necessary? Shepard was on a mission to save the galaxy!"

To which Hai-Fyve responded, "Oh, come on. Any old human can save the Galaxy."

Liara agreed, "Well, I suppose you're right. He always was a dick, and you ARE a much better kisser..."

They then made love furiously for the next five hours. And then, Hai-Fyve hijacked the Normandy SR2. Nobody really cared, because Shepard always was a bit of a dick, and Hai-Fyve was much more attractive than him. They pulled off several heists, with Hai-Fyve employing his signature High-Five several times.

Eventually, EDI questioned him about how it worked. He replied that it was magic. EDI replied that Magic wasn't real. He replied by high-fiving her out of the Normandy, but then everybody was spaced, and died. Except for EDI, who was still alive, and had crashed on a Tribal world, where she became the almighty queen, and eventually led the species to dominate the entire galaxy in the next cycle.

Hai-Fyve then loaded a previous save, and chose the Paragon interrupt. A day later, he was confronted by Liara, over his infidelity. He managed to pass a 100% renegade and 100% paragon check simultaneously, thus securing both EDI and Liara as his love interests.
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NotCras
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Is not cras. That guy is a jerk.
insani
Apr 15 2012, 06:15 AM
Chapter 1: Down low!

Snip!! EDIT (I think i hit quote by accident and quoted everything insani wrote... my b)
lmao i love the simultaneous paragon and renegade check.


BUT MY LIARA WOULD NEVER DITCH ME EVEN IF ANY OLD HUMAN CAN SAVE THE GALAXY.
Edited by NotCras, Apr 16 2012, 09:59 PM.
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insani
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Chapter 2: Too slow!

Tuchanka.

Tuchanka never changes.

That is, until the Krogan show up and send it into a nuclear winter. Then it changes.

Well, I guess a more appropriate subject would be Krogans. Krogans.

Krogans never change.

Even when Wrex began a movement to uplift the Krogan race to their former glory, God sent out a messenger of death to carry out his will. And that messenger was called the Normandy SR2. And it was being piloted, badly, by Hai-Fyve, after he -accidentally- broke Joker's face. And his brain. And his heart, too. And accidentally dumped the body into a meat grinder. And accidentally killed the witnesses. And accidentally killed the witnesses to the killing of the witnesses. And well, he basically killed half of the Normandy's crew.

Hundreds of angry Krogans gathered around the Normandy, whose tip had interrupted a speech given by Wrex, by squishing him. Wreav immediately announced his take-over of Clan Urdnot, but he was then the normandy's rear end was pulled down by Gravity, crushing Wreav. They all began pounding on the Normandy's hull, until they realized that they were too stupid to function without a leader. Then, they all walked out of the camp, and formed a Krogan Pile, waiting to die of heatstroke.

Hai-Fyve stepped out of the normandy after several hours, with EDI and Liara at his side and said, "Ah, nothing like the fierce Tuchanka sun after a few hours of incredibly explicit sex!"

He looked at the Krogan Piles, flesh burnt from severe exposure to the sun, and said, "Hey, look! Someone even left out something for us to eat!"

Liara quickly interrupted, saying, "Hai, I don't think you're supposed to EAT Krogan..."

Hai-Fyve brushed off the interruption, saying, "Nonsense! Why do you think they call them 'Krunchy Krogan'?"

Liara quickly said, "They DON-"

Hai-Fyve interrupted her, "Oh, shush now Liara. I'll go get some Krogan, and then we can all eat, and then have wild sex for another few hours."

Hai-Fyve called out some of the Normandy crewmen, and together they prepared a meal of Krogan, which was going great, until a Cerberus-modified Shepard arrived and tried to take some of the unused Krogans for study. Hai-Fyve was quick to Tornado Missile Kick him into a wall. He said, "Stand up, citizen, and prepare to be beaten up. Nobody takes Hai-Fyve's food."

Shepard screamed in a robotic tone, "Oh COME ON, you're not even using them, you fat piece of asian tras-"

Hai-Fyve punched Shepard in the face, and then Shepard exploded, for some reason. And then Hai-Fyve went back to his table, and sat down to eat. But then, he found Shepard's face in the Main Dish. Shepard's face said to Hai, "I LIVE FOREVER"

Hai-Fyve then loaded a previous save, and used the Paragon interrupt. Commander Shepard did not survive being thrown millions of light years into the Sun. Until a Collector ship cruised in and harvested his body, that is. After a delicious meal, he entered an explicit threesome scene with EDI and Liara. He also learned that EDI COULD bend that way.
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Rainwhisker
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This is an amazing thing to go read before sleep.
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NotCras
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Is not cras. That guy is a jerk.
Rainwhisker
Apr 17 2012, 08:01 AM
This is an amazing thing to go read before sleep.
lmao well i would like to wonder if it caused any crazy dreams :P

and gosh hai-fyve has some incredible stamina.

I also loved how he killed the witnesses to the killing of the witnesses, but didnt kill those witnesses... I think he's getting sloppy!
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insani
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Everybody was obviously too busy huddling in their quarters trying to pretend the murder sounds weren't happening to witness the murder of the witnesses of the murder of the witnesses of the murder of joker.
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insani
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Chapter 3: Lazarus

"Hello, Joker", came the call from the Illusive Man, as Joker rose out of bed.

"I am the Illusive Man. I've given you life and fully functional bones, and I expect you to repay me by piloting the Normandy SR3, with Shepard and Cerberus experts."

Joker responded harshly. "Why the f__k would I do that? Shepard's a jerk! And on the SR2 I was balls deep every night!"

The Illusive Man smiled and responded, "My sources tell me that Shepard has seduced every female on the Normandy. And, also Garrus. And EDI."

Joker sighed, "Well, duh! What, do you think I have a thing for girls, or something?"

The Illusive Man replied, slightly shocked, "But, EDI and you are clea-"

"I just date her so that I can tell Vega I'm in love with my ship every time he tries to hit on me!", replied an annoyed Joker.

The Illusive Man begun to speak, but was interrupted by Joker's foot smashing into his face. Joker had used his ultimate attack! The breaking bones attack, which fails to break every bone in his body thanks to his new and improved legs!

Joker smashes through the side of the Illusive Man's base, spacing tens of Cerberus soldiers. He flies through space until he smashes through the side of the Normandy, landing back into his seat in the cockpit. Hai-Fyve ran up to investigate the disturbance. He was shocked! "I thought I killed you!"

"Yeah, but it's all cool now. As long as I get dibs on Javik's ass.", Joker replied, shrugging.

"I can live with that.", replied Hai.

Moments later, Garrus walks in in a pink, frilly dress, carrying a tray with tea on it. "More tea, Master Hai?"

Joker turns around, looks at Garrus, then back at Hai-Fyve. Then back at Garrus. He continues doing this until Hai-Fyve puts on his cool-shades, and says,

"I made some calibrations."

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Edited by insani, Apr 23 2012, 12:15 AM.
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Rainwhisker
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The yeah got me.
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insani
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Chapter 4: Hai Fyve, Omega! HAI FYVE!!!

Hai-Fyve tornado missile kicked into Omega, his breather mask strapped on. Several partygoers were sucked out the vacuum, and Hai-Fyve killed the others with his revenant. Aria's henchmen were quick to approach him, firing at him with various small arms. He spoke a few words into his headset, and Javik barrel rolled through a wall, shooting several henchmen with his dual carnifex pistols. Garrus ran up to a group of henchmen, dressed in a pink, scandalously short skirt and a tank top, and smacked the life out of them with a frying pan, and proceeded to reapply makeup and perfume to his face.

Hai-Fyve motioned to Garrus and Javik. Garrus continued applying lipstick, and Javik took cover behind a conveniently placed crate. Hai-Fyve ran up to Aria, who was attempting to escape the station, and high-fived her body guards. He then grabbed her. She flung him into a wall with her biotics, and Hai-Fyve responded by sending an explosive, Dong shaped mass effect field at her, knocking her into a wall.

"D-damn you, Hai! You and your... suggestive biotic powers, and your high fives, and your crossdressing squadmates! What do you want this time?!"

Hai flashed his best smile, and responded, "What I've always wanted, baby. Aria T'loak's virginity."

"You wrecked my entire crew just so that you could SLEEP WITH ME?!"

Hai replied, "Well, yes."

"Then I like your style."

Later that night, Hai nudged Aria's thigh. Aria spoke up, slightly tired, "H...Have you got... got morning wood... already?"

Hai replied, "Well, yes, but... I was just thinking. How about that sport I suggested? It would get you so much money!"

Aria replied, "We are NOT going to make Asari groping competitions a thing!"

Hai tried to speak, "But Aria, thi-"

"NO, Hai! I am NOT making Asari groping competitions a thing!"

Hai sadly replied, "Well, can we at least have sex again, then?"

"...Fine, but make it quick."

They then got in proper position for another few hours of lovemaking. They began, and made good progress, when suddenly, there was a knock on the door, and Garrus poked his head in. He spoke in the girliest voice possible for a turian, "Sorry to disturb, master Hai, but I just wanted to tell you that Javik's been sitting down here masturbating furiously for the past half an hour."

Javik poked his head in and said, "No I'm not!"

Garrus replied, "You TOTALLY are, boyfriend!"

Javik punched Garrus in the face, and they got into a girly duel. Meanwhile, Hai-Fyve went back to making love to Aria. A few hours later, he got a call on his headset. and heard Joker saying, "Good show! We just had quite possibly the largest group masturbation session in the history of the universe! Oh yeah, and then it turned into a mindless orgy."

Hai sighed, and said, "Alright, is there anything important you wanted to tell me?"

Joker replied, "Oh yeah. Cerberus took control of the Normandy and crashed it into the Citadel. We managed to get everybody off in time, except Vega. I decided to leave him there because he's a mexican."

"Good call," replied Hai, "Is there anything else?"

Joker excitedly replied, "Well, me and EDI came up with this bright idea. We could convert Omega into a mothership!"

Hai replied, "Do it."

Aria pulled her head out of Hai-Fyve's boxers, and said, "Hey, what about asking me? It's MY Space station!"

Hai just sighed and pushed her head back down. He said, "Shut up and keep sucking. We'll talk about this later."
Edited by insani, Apr 27 2012, 03:01 AM.
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Rainwhisker
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Daily, my IQ goes down because I read these.

Thanks. D:
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NotCras
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Is not cras. That guy is a jerk.
Rainwhisker
Apr 27 2012, 03:46 AM
Daily, my IQ goes down because I read these.

Thanks. D:
lmao xD


Though there was one awesome idea that should so be in ME... akimbo weapons!!!! O.o THAT WOULD BE SO AWESOME
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insani
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Chapter 5: Vega; Make it Big. Liara; Make it sexy. Javik; Make it vengeance.

Commander Vega marched into the Citadel, face mutilated by Reaper technology. He took out his M-920 Cains, and he charged through the Presidium, firing orbs of death as he ran. Asari, Turians, Quarians, Volus, Salarians and Elcor alike all ran from his spheres of death. He laughed maniacally as he murdered the alien scumbags that presided in the presidium. However, a masked Prothean in purple and black heavy armor crashed through an office window, flying in front of Vega. He punched him in the face, and kicked the Cains out of his hands.

"Who the f__k are you supposed to be?!", asked Vega.

"I'm Prothy the Prothean, here to carry over the Protheans' vengeance! And I will annihilate all evildoers! And I am not Javik!"

"Well. If you say so... but who the hell are you, then, and where do you get off dressing up like an extinct race", asked Vega, "You sick f__k! Now let me kill these alien scumbags!"

JavikProthy the Prothean replied,"I cannot do that! I am a warrior of Justice! And I dress as a Prothean, because I am a Prothean!"

Vega growled at Javik, and lunged at him. Prothy responded by flying into the air, and summoning a huge demon to fight against Vega! However, Vega used an Angelic move, dealing super effective damage to the Demon.

Vega screamed, "And how the hell did you do that?!"

Prothy smugly replied, "This suit is designed to interface with Mass Effect fields!"

Vega asked, "And how does that let you summon Satan's newborn?"

Prothy facepalmed, "Are you questioning Mass Effect fields?"

Vega replied, "Yes."

Prothy sighed, "Well, don't! It's like... space magic! You don't question space magic!"

Vega began to speak, but was interrupted by an Asari in a skintight outfit that revealed all the right places, her breasts hardly covered and extremely distracting.

She said, "I'm the Tentacutiepie! And I will ram my <BLEEP> up Jo-the laughing man's <BLEEP> for picking that name out for me!"

Prothy replied, "I think it's quite fitting. May I touch your breasts again, Li-Tentacutie?"

Tentacutiepie wrapped Prothy in a Biotic Field that looked suspiciously similar to female genitals, and said, "Oh be quiet already, Prothy!"

Vega, however, was on a stealth mission. He slowly reached around Tentacutiepie's sides, and then took a firm grab of her breasts, and was knocked back by a Krogan thrown into his face. Tentacutiepie shredded him, making him explode all over Vega, the Krogan's quads flying into his mouth.

Prothy laughed, "HAHAHAHA! You're a homosexual!"

Vega pouted, "N-N-No I'm not!!"

The Tentacutiepie then interrupted the arguing, saying, "Aren't we supposed to be beating up the unlawful?"

Prothy nodded, and broke free of Tentacutiepie's restraints. He then beat the living s_it out of Vega, and took a long dump over his mouth, leaving rainbow-colored feces dripping out of Vega's mouth. He then proceeded to shoot him in the face with a Carnifex pistol. He and Tentacutiepie did an awesome montage walk away from Vega, until Prothy reached over and grabbed Tentacutiepie's right breast. She then threw him out of the citadel. She then confronted the Ballerina Baker, a Turian in a pink ballerina outfit, with a human genital shaped mask. He gave her a few pancakes, and they talked about boys for a few hours, and then had great casual, platonic sex, even though the Ballerina Baker was pretty much a total homosexual. But I guess that doesn't apply to Asari, because they are sexiful.

The Ballerina Baker, Prothy, and Tentacutiepie jumped into the Normandy, took off their masks. They were Garrus, Javik, and Liara respectively! The ultimate duo! Hai-Fyve congratulated Garrus on finally getting a piece of asari ass, and then made a subtle request for a foursome later that evening. Garrus was blushing for the rest of the day.

Meanwhile, Commander Shepard, now more machine than man, prepared his crew on the Normandy SR2, made up of a thousand clones, mostly of James Vega. He stepped onto the bridge of the Normandy SR2, and gave a long, passionate kiss to Morinth, followed by an ass-grab. He was then mind-raped and died, again.
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Rainwhisker
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Insani.

My brain.

Please.

<3
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insani
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Chapter 6: Surprising turn of events

Hai-Fyve slept quietly in his quarters on the Normandy. His crew was getting to work on repairing the damage caused by Cerberus, when they crashed it into the citadel. He was woken by a loud crash, and ran to the helm.

"What happened?" asked Hai.

Joke replied, "Oh, someone crashed his Normandy SR2 into our Normandy SR2."

Hai whispered, "Shepard," and then kicked out of the cockpit, flying into the SR2. He beat up Morinth, who had taken command from Shepard after killing him. However, he was too late. A thousand clones of James Vega stormed onto Hai's SR2, shooting at everything and killing most of Hai's Crew. He threw Morinth at the Vega Leader, Vega Prime.

Vega Prime exploded upon contact, being loaded with C4 so that he could never be interrogated. This created a huge hole in both SR2's, and nearly everybody inside was spaced. Both SR2's lost control, and started to crash into the Citadel. Hai-Fyve ran into his SR2, grabbing his hos and telling Joker to evacuate the ship. He Jumped out of the Normandy, carrying Liara and EDI under his arms, with Garrus on his back.

While jumping out of the Normandy, heading for Omega, Hai asked, "Garrus. Is that a boner?"

Garrus replied, "Oh, I can't help it, Master! Wearing your human female clothes makes me feel so... dirty!"

Hai-Fyve sighed, and continued to fly towards Omega.

A few days later, he arrived. Five Batarians were just finishing installing some laser cannons onto Omega, which had radically changed, now more Mothership than space station.

Hai threw his Hos onto a couch, and then marched up to Aria. "Hello Aria", he said.

Aria replied, "Why hello, my little Dagger. We've almost finished converting Omega!"

Hai replied, "Great. We'll be unstoppable!"

Aria asked, "We?"

Hai grudgingly replied, "Fine, I'll perform oral tonight. But I better be top dog on mothership Omega!"

Aria lovingly replied, "Count on it."

A day later, after a night of furious sex, Hai rose up. As he walked out of his room, he saw Javik, sleeping next to the door, his hand lodged in his pants. Hai punched him in the face and then ran away before he had a chance to notice him.

As he ran, he saw Joker and the crew. He skidded to a stop, and said, "Have you got the crew?"

Joker replied, "Well, yeah. Nearly everybody. Except for Engineer Adams. But who cares about that guy? He's an ass."

Hai nodded and punched Joker in the face. He quickly ran away, before Joker had a chance to figure out who had just punched him.

He ran into Aria's command center, and quickly found the control panel. He began to hump it rapidly, until his dong hit a button that activated the lasers. He accidentally destroyed a Reaper who was heading to check out all the commotion on Omega.

Hai Fyve mentally high-fived himself, and then continued to hump the control panel.

After that was done, he loaded a previous save, and chose the Paragon Interrupt, thus keeping him off of cocaine. He still punched Javik in the face for being a pervert, but refused to hump the control panel / punch Joker. He activated the lasers and destroyed the Reaper. He then had furious sex with Aria, Liara, EDI, and Garrus, in the most amazing fivesome ever conceived.
Edited by insani, May 3 2012, 10:45 PM.
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Rainwhisker
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Rated 18+.
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NotCras
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Is not cras. That guy is a jerk.
Rainwhisker
May 4 2012, 04:14 AM
Rated 18+.
for the curse words and not content right? :P
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insani
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Chapter 6.1: Delays

Insani sat on his chair. He was going to write a new chapter of Hai Fyve's adventure! But then he scratched his chin and fell over and had a seizure. So there was no new chapter. The end.
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