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Reminisce; Metallica: James/Lars, Angst, Romance
Topic Started: Nov 14 2013, 01:10 PM (570 Views)
Eyeless Jackel
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Hi! Yes, I am being a loser and pulling an old one back out, but so what? I can't take it any more!! I will be working on another fic while I'm posting stuff here. Anyway, Enjoy this blast from the past!!





Reminisce


CHAPTER 1


"They are keeping him under so he can heal."



The statement was too simple. Too easily understood. Everything had been compressed into my head, everything mixed with my emotions. Sadness, hopelessness, but mostly anger. This was James they were talking about for God sake. Best friend, lover, band mate. He fell under all of the above.



"The coma makes it to where he wont be frightened, or feel any pain."




James frightened, in pain. My mind drifted off to Montreal. I remember it so easily. James looking up at me shaking, the skin bubbling off the bone. But at least he was responsive. My James now lay unconscious with a tube stuck through his throat. It had been two weeks since the accident. It's scary to look at him for too long. He doesn't look the same as he normally does. Of course he wouldn't.




"They will bring him around when they think he is physically strong enough to be able to handle the situation."




James is strong. He can do it. Just give him a chance. Give him the chance dammit. My fist tighten, knuckles whitening, teeth grinding. A hand lays gently on my shoulder for comfort. I didn't want it, didn't need it. If it wasn't James, it didn't matter.




"He is basically in a deep sleep."




Deep sleep? Don't say that. Please, don't say that. Those are the words a grown up tells a child when a loved one passes away. 'She's only in a deep sleep. She can't feel any pain. She isn't scared any more. The Lord has healed her in his way.'


The hand on my shoulder squeezed softly as the doctor went through the numberless procedures and test that they would be running on James for the course of the week. So many have been said, It was pointless to even try to remember. My eyes trace the body under the white sheets of the hospital bed. It lay motionless, like it had been for a while now. "Too long", I thought to myself. "Too fucking long". The words slipped from my mouth before I could stop them. "When the fuck can he wake up?" I hadn't said anything for so long, the voice didn't even sound like my own. The doctor nodded.


"I understand your frustration Mr. Ulrich. We can wake him when the swelling of his brain resides. Until then the possibility for permit brain damage or even death is extremely high. We have to take the best route for Mr. Hetfield's safety."


The hand on my shoulder dropped as my eyes rose from the floor to James face. Was it his face? Was it James at all? It didn't smile or laugh. It didn't even grimace or cry. It didn't sing or play guitar. It didn't work on cars endlessly in a garage, or waste time watching cartoons on TV. It didn't hold me close at night keeping me safe and warm, or kiss away the tears that fell down me cheeks. This isn't James. My James is gone.



Without warning, I threw himself across the room into the bathroom and fell to my knees in front of the toilet. Kirk watched from the doorway as I heaved multiple times but nothing came, just a I expected. I hadn't eaten in days. Shaking, I ran my fingers through my hair propping up against the seat. I decided to think of simpler times. When money or fame meant nothing. When the music moved the soul and told the story. When hearts were unselfish and the future was the farthest from our minds. Then and there I came to the conclusion that If James doesn't survive this, neither would I.

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Sol
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In Bloom
I read this story in the past and I loved it. Great to read it again.:)
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Eyeless Jackel
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Sol
Nov 14 2013, 08:52 PM
I read this story in the past and I loved it. Great to read it again.:)
Thank you! It's kinda like a remastered version! Anyway, please enjoy it again!! :$
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Eyeless Jackel
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CHAPTER 2

James watches the red line on the clock tick along as I sit on my knees in front of him, my fingers working the wraps slowly around the last of his healing skin. My hands shake and the only sign of pain he shows is his clenched fist and his bottom lip trembling, but he says nothing.

His scrapes don't bleed as much anymore, but the wounds show deep in his honeyed skin. Brushing my fingers through his hair softly I stand and walk towards the bathroom to wash up before bed, but James takes my hand before I go too far.

"What is it?" I ask quietly.

He pulls me closer until I'm standing over him and he places my dirty hand against his cheek. He gazes up at me, his blues eyes looking almost grey and empty.

Those eyes, remind me of an almost cloudless sky. Like baby blues in the wake of an ash storm. Now only spirits of what once was haunts his eyes.

James lays his head against my stomach and rubs his face against me. His stubble tickles my skin and despite my chest becoming tight, I smile and brush my fingers more through his hair. I feel him sigh against me, his warm breath skipping across my skin.

Standing there in the dark I drifted back to the day I got the call. The emergency flight back to California, rushing into the hospital on that warm spring morning, white walls and wet tears blinding my sight. My fear lead me to him that day, because my body had given up on me long before that.

We had made an agreement. I'd travel to Russia alone for a film festival and he insisted he'd be staying here. He promised he wouldn't do anything reckless... He promised he wouldn't... He promised..

James kisses my sternum and softly pulls me into the bed under the covers beside him. He laid his head back into my lap and watches the palm trees through the sun roof swaying in the wind. A full moon sits high among the clouds, her arms stretching down to us. Her bright face shines down on James, painting his skin pale, but his eyes remained as grey as before.

I rub my thumb along his bottom lip as he smiles watching the skies. He may not remember but one of his favorite things was to lay in bed and watch the palm trees and a full moon. He especially liked it when we'd do it together. This will be our first night to sleep together since the accident. James eyes close for a moment and my brain runs to the past.

He was drunk, driving in the rain, on his motorcycle, at night. The bike hydroplaned, smashed into an eighteen wheeler and James was found unconscious and almost bleeding to death at the sight of the accident. The ambulance said it was the worst wreck they've ever seen. Doctors say he's lucky to be alive. Road rash covers 80% of his body. He wasn't wearing a jacket or a helmet. The list goes on and on of things that were so wrong.

I can't ask him anything. He won't answer.

He can't.

He doesn't remember anything. He tries but he can't. I don't even think he remembers me.

My next breath locks in my chest. I felt the tears threaten to fall and I try my best to stop them.

James was looking up watching me struggle.

I was looking down watching him struggle.

We both struggled to understand one another.

He doesn't understand. He can't understand.

Neither can I.

"I'll never let you go James. I promise."

I felt my fingers grip the sheets across his chest.

"Nothing can hurt you here. We're safe when we're together."

I leaned to where my forehead rested against his throat. I feel breathing.

His heart is pumping.

His eyes are blinking, staring at the ceiling, not understanding, not knowing I'm burning, that It's my turn to suffer, to swallow the fire, to die inside, but his eyes.. they're blinking.

His body is alive.

But he is gone.

My James is so gone.
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lithium_99
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asdfghjkl

i've never read something like this, girl

Keep it up! :)


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Eyeless Jackel
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lithium_99
Nov 18 2013, 04:01 PM
asdfghjkl

i've never read something like this, girl

Keep it up! :)


Yay! I'm glad you like it! :$
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Sol
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I just love this story. Perfect !
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Eyeless Jackel
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Sol
Nov 18 2013, 07:53 PM
I just love this story. Perfect !
Thank you dear!! :wub:
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Eyeless Jackel
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CHAPTER 3


The next morning I wake to the skies laying dark and cloudy, thunder rumbling under the earth and shaking the house. I lay still facing the giant window showing the black ground of the mountain. Beyond that the ocean roared, liquid flame hammering against the broken shore. The thunder shook the earth again.

Trying my hardest not to wake James, I slip from his arms, taking a black pair of shorts from a chair, I put them on as I make my way to the kitchen. My feet pad barefoot against the cold white tiles of the house, making me shiver. Flipping on the coffee maker and getting it started, I took two coffee mugs from the cabinet. I think about why we were on top of this God forsaken mountain in the rainy season of the west in the first place. Remembering what James' therapist had said, I had to keep reminding myself that I needed to put James before myself. This isn't about me.



"Moving James away from where he may be familiar with is a weird therapy instruction, but it will challenge his mind to try hard to remember life before the accident."




I left the kitchen for the living room to the back of the small house. I unlock the large sliding glass door and step out onto the brick patio. The heated wind blows against me, the taste of the ocean and the promise of rain carried with it.



"He'll know that the place you choose will not be his home, so he'll work hard to remember where he belongs."



I blink my dry eyes, taking a big salty breath and walk down the steps into the long grass. Thunder echos in the deep valley's below up, shaking the peak were the house stood. My heart jumps into my throat as the black skies reach up and over the sun, setting the world around me in a deep purple gaze.



"The idea seems ridiculous, I know, but it'll work his memory a bit. It'll be good for him."



Following the short path through the yard, I come to where it ends at a short Ginkgo tree conveniently growing only feet from the house.



"Another method you could try is Ginkgo leaves. They are chemically known to help brain activity and memory loss."



The wing shaped leaves hung fresh and green from the twisted branches, swaying gently in the wind. I run my hand along it's wooden arms, feeling it's age on the thick skin. My eyes close as my fingers reach the leaves, smooth and wet from it's new birth.



"I'm not saying this will be easy Lars,"



I pull some of the elder leaves from the tips of the twigs and gather them into my hands, the wind blowing harder now against me. I turn to make my way back to the house before the rain starts.

James meets me half way on the path, hair still wet from his morning shower and feet just as barefoot as mine. The scabs on this chest and arms look better, but my stomach still churns when I see them. His pajama pants hung low on his hips, showing plenty of his lean body.



"But James can't do this on his own."



My ears burn as he steps up to me, his body mixing with the gusting wind. James takes his hand and rubs it along my head to my bare back, the fingers of his other hand wrapping gently around my jaw.

His face is inches to mine as his hand rest against my lower back and pulls me against his warm body. My heart quickens as our skins touch and his lips kiss my forehead then lower to my left eye, then my right.

I swallowed as he rest our foreheads together and his eyes, still grey and unsure stare into mine, green and wanting.



"He loves you Lars."



The hand around my jaw move to my chest, calloused fingers teasing my skin. James' lips press to mine softly as his palm pressed hard against my racing heart. His eyebrows furrow, the hand on my back pulling me more towards him.

James leans my head back as his mouth travels to the hollow of my throat. My pulse races against his open lips and I feel him shake as I watch lightning fingers rip open the black sky.



"I think he needs you now more than ever."



James pulls me to him, feeling my heart and pulse pump in unison. Warm tears slip down my chest as he shakes against me, scared and unsure.



"He'll try to understand some things Lars,"



The clouds howl in pain and tears their tears fall onto my face. The sky made no other sound, but it grieves with James, their tears mixing and falling against my skin.



"But some things, I'm scared,"



I close my eyes, my arms still slack to my sides. James struggles against me. Trying so hard.



"He'll never understand."



Then, like the wind's past breath, James spoke a whisper, hoarse "L--Lars" before breaking into soft sobs against my throat, his nails scratching my bare skin. I couldn't hold back my own tears and smile. The first time I've heard my name in months. One of the few words James has spoken since the accident.

My fist clench, the Ginkgo leaves crumbling like dry bones.

"Lars, I- I'm sorry."

He lifted his head, his eyes now a pale blue, but still not quiet there. James places both of his hands on either sides on my face and puts our foreheads together again.

My fist unclenched, the Ginkgo leaves drifting into the wind, now broken pieces; dead and unneeded.
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Eyeless Jackel
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CHAPTER 4



The rest of the day the rain falls hard against the black dirt mixing with the mud from the top of the mountains. Red flows through trenches of the earth, like thick blood through pin sized veins. The sky remains dark and James even darker. He says nothing else after the morning is over as we lay face to face, our legs twisted beneath the thin sheets.

His eyes look cold and dead again, how they have been for a long time now. He relapsed so quickly, I'm truly scared he'll never remember or retain anything ever again, but I won't give up on him. We won't give up on him.

James watches me watching him, the reflection of the rain on the window shadows across his bare chest as the sun brushes our flesh one last time before dying and being swallowed by the ocean tides.

"James.."

His stained eyes open and he pulls me against his chest. Soft lips press to my forehead as his voice, low and husky sighs.

My eyes close.

Another night, years ago, we lay together, young and carefree. The walls were thin and dirty, the moon heavy and golden against a black sky. Fat rain drops fell against a cloudy window of a smoke-filled apartment. The future was so far ahead in our minds, nothing mattered at all but where we were then. Our lips touched, and our hearts broke.

Now our hair is shorter, our hands are rougher. Money and greed poisons our minds, pulling us into the darkness. My brain relaxes and I fall into the warmth of James' arms.





"You did this to me, Lars."

My eyes open. James sits in the chair next to the bed in a black t-shirt and jeans. His hair combed and face clean. The morning sun stretched across the wooden floor, the edges of the rays burning my eyes. James lowers his head, his booted feet tapping in time with my heart.

"I'm leaving."

My head is spinning. My spine aches. Why? I've done everything right for him! I feel my lip pull between my teeth. The question was asked before I even realized I'd said anything.

"When?"

His eyes looked up at me. He doesn't owe me an explanation. He doesn't have to.

"Today."

My lips are on fire.

"I've ruined you Lars."

I taste the blood.

"You've sacrificed so much."

My anger chocks me.

"I don't know who I am anymore."

I need to scream.

"This is your fault."

I need to bleed. I need to know I'm still conscious. My ribs are jabbing into my lungs with every fatal inhale.

"I hate you for this."

James statics in and out like an old TV set. Once, clothed in the chair, next naked by the window. The oceans roars in my head, my
fingers scraping my brain.

The bed is cold, my hands reach out to the other side. They touch nothing. Wet, like the snow. Red like blood, like burning eyes.

My jaws water, the frames of James jerk like a movie. Even the color is faded.

James stands, taking his bag from the floor. My fingers ache. I reach for him, but time stops me before I can. Before I know it, my brain is running, my legs too slow to think.

He leaves without another sound, bottle in hand and staggering around the kitchen. The clouds scratch at the dirty windows, the grass growing in the house. Something is sitting on my chest. Fingers like spider legs reach around my throat, digging into my eyes.

Something is sitting on me.

I can't breath.

Something is chocking me.

I scream silently, slowly my body moves, but no one hears me.

Something is killing me.

James gets into the car, it's body slick and black against the night sky. My fingers burn as I touch the hood, the moon's heat on the paint. The moon's heat on his face.

A younger James smiles at me, "Just stop watering the flowers."

My heart hurts. I wrap my finger around the handle. The knife is heavy, but I need this. The blade presses against my chest.

The roots tangle, the blade goes in. Through my chest and out the other side.

James smiles at me his boyish grin, "Just stop watering the dead flowers."






I jerk awake, feeling my chest. No knife is plunged through my heart, but I am alive and breathing. The morning is fresh and new, something I needed after a horrible nightmare like that. I stretch, the sun bright and the rain gone.

"That was the worst dream I've ever had in my life. The worst one I can remember anyway."

I reach to my left, the spot is empty. "Oh God.. No, it can't.."

Getting out of bed, I search the house for James. The kitchen is warm, just as I expect. A white piece of paper lay on the counter.

My heart sinks. "No. This isn't happening."

My hand trembles as I touch the black lettered scribble along the lines.

"Lars, I can't do this anymore. This isn't your fault. I don't hate you, I just can't see you any more. I don't remember much of you, so if this hurts, I don't want to know. I'm not being cruel, just honest. I guess, when I lost my head, I lost my heart also. Don't come looking for me. I don't want to see you again. You've healed me. That is enough. Physically, I'm leaving and I'm not sure I'm ever coming back. Mentally, I'm already gone."

Against all odds, the heat is too much, I feel the burn, but the fire never comes.
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