Welcome Guest [Log In] [Register]
Add Reply
Sylar Drake Feedback
Topic Started: Mar 28 2013, 07:37 AM (52 Views)
Sylar
Lower Midcard
[ * ]
So what did you think of my latest promo?

I try to play a little with Sylar's on screen gimmick and off screen behaviour, as you can see...
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Landon Windsor
Member Avatar
The Chi-Town Saint
[ * ]
Tell ya the truth, I like the character...Needs a lil more and you are golden... Glad you can keep a gimmick, I am horrible at it .... good work brother, Look forward to see who wins this win.. You def... will be a tough match once you get the character all worked out...
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
NickySynz
Jobber
[ * ]
Ok, these are my thoughts. Take them on if you will, tell me to fuck off if you want, but I want to offer something constructive rather than 'needs a lil more.' (No offence Landon)

1. The opening description just feels like a list.

'He walked to the shop. He picked up some bread and paid for it. He walked home. He toasted the bread.'

That's not interesting to read. Embellish things, go into a little bit more detail. Tell us more about what's going on. I'd have opened with something a bit like this (if I was sticking to the actions you've used.):

'The camera pans in to see the young Sylar Drake with his back to the camera. He takes a sharp breath as he applies an ice pack to his face and grimaces as he removes it, revealing the wound opened just a few short days ago. Sylar tries to mask his anger as best he can, but the fire in his eyes won't be extinguished that easily. Deep inside he had to address the man that put it there.

He had to address Jake Stormah.

Pointing to the wound he said "blah blah blah lab blah"'

It's not perfect, I'm sure there are people out there that would say yours is better than mine, but that's how I would have done it and that's how I'd implore you to at least consider doing it in the future. Give a little more detail, show a little more character. Don't just write a list of actions. Tell us how he's speaking, give us an indicator to how he's feeling rather than painting him as some guy pointing at a cut and talking like he's waiting for a bus or something.

2. I'm not a fan of blocks of text, as you'll probably see when I get my first RP up this weekend. I'd break up the talk by throwing in a few descriptions here and there.

Was he really pointing to the wound all the time while address Jake Stormah? And then he scratches his head all the while during the second block of text?

Nobody does that in real life. They move, they annunciate, they pause.

3. Stick to one tense. When he picks up the Tshirt you switched from present to past tense. That annoyed me. Then you went back to present at the start of the off camera section, 'is looking for something' tells me that. Before switching back to past tense when he 'put the CD on Marcus' table.'

You guys around here seem to like using colour. That's not my bag, but to each his own. I won't go into that here. But I don't feel it's necessary.

Like I said, tell me to fuck off if you really want, but I felt like you deserved something constructive.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Sylar
Lower Midcard
[ * ]
Sorry about the tenses, English is not my first language so I get a little lost in it sometimes. Thanks for your points, appreciate your opinion, I'll work on it!
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
1 user reading this topic (1 Guest and 0 Anonymous)
ZetaBoards - Free Forum Hosting
Create a free forum in seconds.
Learn More · Sign-up Now
« Previous Topic · General Board · Next Topic »
Add Reply

Vote For Titan Wrestling
at JADEN'S 2013 ©

Top Site
Theme Designed by McKee91 and Lout of ZNR