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| Anyone willing to help edit?; Essays | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Thu Jan 17, 2008 3:58 pm (269 Views) | |
| Prince_RIP | Thu Jan 17, 2008 8:42 pm Post #21 |
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Official Forum B.A.
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I just read a couple sentences and you really do have a very poor understanding of how to use commas... |
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| XyK | Thu Jan 17, 2008 8:48 pm Post #22 |
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That was very helpful. |
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| CHILL | Mon Jan 21, 2008 12:06 am Post #23 |
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(1)Since the release of the novel, (2)Lord of the Flies, many books have been written, but nearly all of them are not as quality of a book Lord of the Flies is. (3)In my opinion, Lord of the Flies is such a great novel for high school and is still read by high school students because of how William Golding (4)portrays evil, how he uses children instead of teenagers to emphasize his beliefs, and how the reader receives insight of Golding’s views after analyzing his literature. At the time in which the book was written, many people believed the world was coming to an end due to the (5)Americans, and Russians; when they threatened to fire nuclear bombs at one another. Golding portrays the fear of the fall of civilization in a meaningful way through a group of young children stranded on an island Point in fact, Lord of the Flies is no doubt, a great novel and should remain a novel in which high school students study. (1) Don't start a new paragraph with a preposition (2) Underline (3) No "my opinoins"... nothing's left to be subjective... you sound a lot more convincing when you state things as a fact (4) Be more specific (5) No comma needed Actually, that whole sentence could have been structured better. (1)Throughout his entire lifetime, Golding was haunted by evil. Not only did William Golding write his novel in a time period where the fear of a nuclear war had a great impact on daily lives, he also served in World War II through the Royal Navy. Evil played a huge role in the novel and Golding’s interpretation of how it is in everyone was done in such a meaningful way through the children. (2)The main fear on everyone’s mind during that time period was “Will civilization finally come to an end?” (3)Golding portrays the children as civilized beings at the beginning of the book. The first instinct the boys had was to develop a civilized system in which they could survive in. Rules were established and a leader was selected through a democratic vote. As the book progressed, signs of savage instinct came to play. Jack’s seek of power triggered the evil within. Some of the children show their signs of evil after they are torn into two groups which lead to the death of the two boys, Simon and Piggy. Golding’s portrayal that everyone has evil within them through the emphasis of children is a key reason why the novel is such a success. Not only does Golding portray that evil is within everyone through the knowledge he gained from fighting in the war, but he also uses it to paint a picture of how the people fighting in the war felt. The people were like children, innocent, but forced to turn into savages in the end. (1) Don't start off a paragraph with a preposition (2) An improved sentence would be worded as: The uncertainty of future civilization came across as the biggest fear of Earth's citizens throughout this time period. (3) Elaboration is far more effective when you analyze, proving your assertions, not summarize Teachers will be more impressed with an elaboration consisting of 3-4 sentences of "analyzing" (directly proving your assertions) than 6-8 sentences of "summarizing" (bunch of talk about prattle... just restates the proceedings in the novel... doesn't directly and convincingly prove your assertion) I didn't read beyond your 2nd Paragraph, but it's apparent to me you just BSed your way through the essay. That is fine... but don't expect a higher grade than a C. Personally, if I were an Eleventh Grade teacher, I would've handed you a grade in the 67-69 range. Fortunately, the expectations of high school students in the subject of writing doesn't obtain a high ceiling. If you're serious about getting additional assistance, you can talk to me on AIM or PM. |
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7:50 PM Jul 10