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Jokes Page; Post your jokes here
Topic Started: Jan 3 2007, 01:40 PM (377 Views)
MYK
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Ashton Gate MYK
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Twelve priests were about to be ordained.
The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos.
Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest and bent over to pick it up.

Then all the other bells started to ring.... :rolleyes:
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CRAZY_STAG_IN_DERBY
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A blonde girl calls her boyfriend and says,"Please come over and help me.I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get it started".

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger".

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box.He turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to fit these pieces into anything resembling a tiger".

He takes her hand and says "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea and then," he sighed, "let's put all these Frosties back in their box".
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dunce
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SO WHAT!!
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"THERE GREAATTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

:lol:

:clapping:
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MYK
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Ashton Gate MYK
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
dunce
Jan 3 2007, 07:44 PM
"THERE GREAATTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

:lol:

:clapping:

Easy Tiger ;)
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mark_htfc
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[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Leeds :lol: :lol:
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MYK
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Ashton Gate MYK
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This bitch stole my Space Hopper...

Posted Image

Damn! Now the pic's been stolen too!!!!
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hazzi
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pure class them jokes
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VBM
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Huddersfields finest
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
"Whats got 90 balls and screws old women?"


"Bingo."
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MYK
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Ashton Gate MYK
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
VBM
Jan 17 2007, 09:47 PM
"Whats got 90 balls and screws old women?"


"Bingo."

Oh no... Not another Xmas cracker come to light? :(
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MYK
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Ashton Gate MYK
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late ?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch & I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch ? What's so special about it ?"

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now ?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers !"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."
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MYK
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Ashton Gate MYK
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the FA Cup Final from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium.

About halfway through the first half, Bob notices an empty seat 5 rows off the pitch right on the halfway line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sits down, he asks the elderly gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no.

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Cup Final and not use it?" The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1962."

"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"

"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."
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MYK
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Ashton Gate MYK
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An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of
impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese
scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and
with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he
crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door
frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in
heaven, for here, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were
dozens of his favourite cheese scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one
final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years,
seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, he
could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth,
seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at
the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula
by his wife .............


"Feck off... " she said, "they're for the funeral!!"
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MYK
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Ashton Gate MYK
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An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"
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MYK
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Ashton Gate MYK
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A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you b*st*rds who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you b*st*rds who are getting on, get your arses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks".

The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language".

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All the passengers, who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope to see you again very soon"

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all your hand luggage either in the overhead compartments or under your seat. Remember that there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen.
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MYK
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Ashton Gate MYK
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Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."

"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."

The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave. When he returns, he is covered with blood.

The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"

The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?" "Yes" the other bat answers.

"Well," says the first bat, "I didn't!"
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