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| Tweet Topic Started: Jan 3 2007, 01:40 PM (378 Views) | |
| MYK | Mar 12 2007, 09:14 PM Post #31 |
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Ashton Gate MYK
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I was in the attic the other day with the wife. Damp and dusty.........but she's great with the kids! |
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| MYK | Mar 12 2007, 09:15 PM Post #32 |
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Ashton Gate MYK
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A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors. "Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag. "Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days." The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results. "What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag. "I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor. "No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper bag. "Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor. "NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!" "Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?" asked the doctor. "NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!" "Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?" queried the doctor. "NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!" "Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?" "NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag!" "Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor "Your mother must have been a carrier" |
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| MYK | Mar 12 2007, 09:15 PM Post #33 |
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Ashton Gate MYK
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"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy ?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And, who was the woman you were with?" "I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Tommy , I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as we tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley ?" "I cannot say." "Was it Patricia Kelly ?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Liz Shannon ?" "I'm sorry, but I can't name her." "Was it Cathy Morgan ?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it JOANNE CASSIDY, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now." Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "Three month's vacation and five good leads." |
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| MYK | Mar 12 2007, 09:16 PM Post #34 |
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Ashton Gate MYK
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On the M5 today, a lorry carrying a load of brown paint collided with a lorry carrying a load of purple paint. Both drivers were marooned. |
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| MYK | Mar 12 2007, 09:16 PM Post #35 |
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Ashton Gate MYK
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Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone " Happy Birthday." I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! " It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !" We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?" I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind ?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner." After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, " Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok." I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday". And I just sat there... On the couch... Naked. |
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| MYK | Mar 12 2007, 09:17 PM Post #36 |
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Ashton Gate MYK
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I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road" |
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| MYK | Mar 12 2007, 09:17 PM Post #37 |
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Ashton Gate MYK
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A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times. At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady answers, 'We just love the chocolate around them............. |
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| MYK | Mar 12 2007, 09:18 PM Post #38 |
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With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world right now, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed a few weeks ago. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Cokey", peacefully passed away at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his right leg in. And then the trouble started. |
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| MYK | Mar 12 2007, 09:18 PM Post #39 |
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Ashton Gate MYK
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Q. What's the difference between a chav and a coconut? A. one's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut. Q. Two chavs jump off a cliff, who wins? A. Society. Q. What does a chav girl use as protection during sex? A. Bus shelter. Q. What do you call a 30 year old chav girl? A. Granny. Q. What do you call a chav in a box? A. Innit. Q. What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet? A. Sorted. Q. What do you call a chav in a suit A. "Will the defendant please rise" Q. Why did the chav cross the road? A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason what so ever. Q. What do you call a chav girl in a white tracksuit? A. The bride. Q. If you're driving and see a chav on a bike why should you try not to hit him? A. It might be your bike. Q. What's the first question during a chav quiz night? A. What you looking at. Q. Why are chavs like slinkey's? A. Thay have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs. Q. Two chavs in a car without any music, who's driving? A. The policeman! Q. How do you get a hundred chavs in a phonebox? A. Paint 3 stripes on it. Q. What do you call a hundred chavs at the bottom of the river? A. A start. Q. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a nova a shame? A. Because a nova has 4 seats. Q. What do you call a chav with 9 gcse's? A. A liar. Q. What do you say to a chav with a job? A. Bigmac please. |
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| MYK | Mar 12 2007, 09:18 PM Post #40 |
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Ashton Gate MYK
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Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night. |
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| MYK | Mar 12 2007, 09:19 PM Post #41 |
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Ashton Gate MYK
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Police have found a local ice cream man dead in the back of his van. He was covered in nuts, sauce and sprinkle. Police think that he topped himself! |
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| MYK | Mar 12 2007, 09:19 PM Post #42 |
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Ashton Gate MYK
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An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds." When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost Nearly 60 POUNDS! "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead that 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?" asked the Doctor "No, from ' skippin' replied the Irishman !! |
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| MYK | Mar 12 2007, 09:20 PM Post #43 |
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Ashton Gate MYK
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I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays." |
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| MYK | Mar 12 2007, 09:20 PM Post #44 |
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Ashton Gate MYK
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My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel. I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said," You've got collara." I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down. My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me." This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me." So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster. |
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| MYK | Mar 12 2007, 09:21 PM Post #45 |
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Ashton Gate MYK
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That's all folks! B) |
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8:38 AM Jul 11