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ToLittleToLate
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Oct 14 2012, 03:31 AM
Post #1
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- Posts:
- 1
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- #150
- Joined:
- Oct 13, 2012
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Over the short time I've been alive I have gone through a lot with my family. Some of it is good some of it isn't. From what I remember my sister has been there for a while but most of the time I'm scared to be around her because ever since I was a young kid I have been bullied by my sister. One of the first thing's she ever did to me was damage my abdominal wall. I was peeing blood for just about a week. This happen when I was still a baby so I don't really remember it happening. But as I got older my sister got meaner and more abusive. The whole thing before I don't really remember if it was intentional but it doesn't really change from what she did later. As I got older the ways my sister bullied got more physical. I have a numerous amount of scars from her. I can barely count the number she has given to me compared to the ones I have given my self from just playing around with friends and what not. Well it started getting more and more worse to the point where I could barely talk to people I don't know, my self-confidence and anything involving talking to people. I have a terrible flinching habit because of her. I also have this never ending anger and sadness because of what has happen between me and her. Also when I started getting stronger and bigger I still wasn't able to protect my self from her because I got grounded every single time I pushed her or punched her in the arm. I just said lol it so now she is in college I finally have a chance to breath because I don't have to be afraid of coming home but sooner or later she will come home and who knows where it will go from there. I also have confronted my sister about how she made me feel because I was driven to the point of suicidal thoughts and at that point I was almost always either angry or sad so when I came home went to my room stayed there all night. I started losing weight and my grades started slipping and people started worrying about me and that's when I started telling more and more of my closest friends about what has been going on and every sing time I told one of my friends I was usually crying because I was in so much pain and because of how depressed I was and I always told my friends not to tell anybody because I didn't want random people knowing because I don't like being confronted about it because it just makes me feel worse because my family, my own flesh and blood had driven me this far. When I told my sister about what she had done I was trying to leave the house trying to calm down, just trying to let off steam because I was on the verge of going over bored. She tried to stop but I kept trying to get out the door. She didn't stop so instead of starting an all out fist fight with my sister I grabbed my sister arms and tossed her on my moms bed which was right next to the door. I didn't throw her hard it was just enough to knock her off balance and she would harmlessly fall on the bed. Once that happened I opened the door and I started to run at first just trying to get away as fast as could but I didn't make it far before I started crying and then my sister started calling my name and so I started running again but I could go fast enough so she caught up to me and I tried getting away but my sister just ended up tackling me and that's the moment I started screaming everything that she had done and after that I told her not to tell anybody or at least not yet and after I told her she started crying because she thought she was toughening me up. Even though she knew she had driven me to tears, she had driven me to so much more. I'm surprised they hadn't seen the scars of where I had cut my self. A few days after this happen I told my mom and she wanted to take me to a doctor about but I said no because I told her I wouldn't do anything and it would just be a waste of money so she didn't take me but maybe 2 or 3 days later my sister told one of the teachers at her school and ever since then I have lost trust in her because I told her one thing not to do and it wasn't something small that can be forgotten and since she told who she did the contacted my school and I was called down to the office and I had a long talk and then I was handed a suicide hot line card and when that happened I kind of died inside because I hate being confronted about it and at this point thing's were just getting worse and worse and that's when the cut's started happening again and no body noticed and ever since then I have been trying to find a release, something to help keep me from going down to that point again but nothing happen so I just started falling deeper and I found my self on more than one occasion with a knife sitting on wrist because I had no savior, I didn't have that one thing that kept me from doing stupid shit except for one girl that I had gone out with and she was the only girl I had gone out with because she was the one that asked me out and I was totally stunned because I always thought that no body liked me like that because I always thought I was unattractive. I was so excited about the relationship but at the same time because I didn't know what to do. It only lasted about 2 weeks but you know what, out of those 2 weeks those where the happiest times of my life because I was wanted, I was loved, I was something more than spec of dust in the wind. Someone had actually taken the time to notice I was there. But after everything ended I went back to what I was like before but I was a little worse because I saw the girl that I loved everyday but I was never able to do anything because she said that she couldn't and I understood that but I didn't want to at first so what I thought would bring her back just pushed her further and further away so I just stopped trying with everything but I didn't go a day with out thinking about her and I pretty sure, if it wasn't for her I wouldn't be here because only maybe a week at most before Amanda Took her life I was sitting in my room crying with a knife in my hand sitting on wrist, I was thinking about what could keep me here but right before I slit wrist I stopped because a single thought crossed my mind. It was the girl I first love that I had recently hung out with and she said that we could possible go out again but not yet because things were happening with her family and she needed to focus on them at first so I let her. But if it wasn't for her, who knows it could be everyone knows about but who knows. I'm still alive but barely holding on but I'm still alive but who knows when I say I've had enough. Hopefully it never happens but who knows because I have so much going on that I can barely keep up also not to mention I'm slipping back into a depression because I feel alone because I recently moved and I have no friends and I'm to scared to try to get out of my comfort zone and you know what It I don't know if I ever will because of what my sister had done to me. I'm afraid to try. I'm afraid to do a lot of thing's but I can't do anything about because I don't want to try. I want the friends had before. I want the life I had before, I wanted to go to the school with all my friends. I want to be around the people that make me feel important enough to stay alive. I'm drifting away from everything. I'm losing my way. I need help that I don't want and I need to get out of my comfort zone but I'm to afraid too. I want thing's to get better but every time I wish that it just gets worse yet again I just said screw it and now I don't do anything except barely eat and barely come out of my room and I barely talk to anybody. I don't even talk to my parents. I act like nothing wrong but if you could be me for just a day you would feel all the pain and depression I go through in a single day. I want and need thing's to get better but it's not, so who knows how much longer I will last before till someone I need someone there to stop me but no one is there. If I ever do anything stupid hopefully I will be rescued because I fear nothing more than death but I would welcome it open arms if it meant to get away from all the pain and suffering. I think I can last a few more years before I'm close enough to do that though but you never know it could be a lifetime from now or in a few days I just don't know though.
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