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| I want to die. Leave. Forever. | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Oct 15 2012, 02:53 AM (115 Views) | |
| Karyn | Oct 15 2012, 02:53 AM Post #1 |
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Karyn
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My name is Karyn. Im 17 years and a week old now. Tired of breathing. Why am I here? Everyone says I have a purpose...but what is it? To suffer? I walk around the halls with a huge smile on my face everyday. But what only few of them know is...Im dying inside. I grew up seeing my father beat my mother purple. I lost her December 29th 2005 at 5:00 pm. I didnt know what to do, the Doctors tried to bring her back, and for days I whispered in her ear, "Please dont leave me. If you leave, you will be locking me in the darkest closet and taking the only key with you." And January 6, 2006 when they took her off life support...since then...thats exactly how Ive felt. Locked in torture. Then my sister fell into drugs and I didnt know what to do...at first I hated her. I hated her for coming into me and my grandmother's home and being rude, drugged up and disrespectful all the time. When I heard she was in jail for DWI and possession, after prom, and crashed my dads truck I thought, Good, she deserves it. But then...seeing how crazy and unlike herself, these drugs were making her, and how she would use them to attempt to commit suicide, and my dad would just laugh. I hated it. She had to get her stomach pumped, but she died for a while in the ambulance. She also later attempted to slit her wrist. I still see the scars today and thank God, I walked into the kitchen at the perfect time to scream and pull her arms apart and save her. I felt pity for her. All I wanted was to save her. From those demons. Little by little I started seeing my sister as my daughter, and all I wanted was to protect her and take care of her! Nothing else mattered more than that! So In 7th grade, after being incarcerated again, her boss called me. They were willing to bail her out and she would keep her job, if and only IF, she and I moved in the apartment behind the office. And I was responsible for her and to make sure she laid off the drugs and drinking. So I said, Yes, of course, anything to help my sister. So, I called my dad told him what we were going to do, my grandmother was okay with it, I was packing my stuff and he didnt like it. I explained to him how important it was to me, to avoid losing my sister to drugs and alcohol. He said if i left I was dead to him, I told him thats too bad because there was nothing he could do to stop us. And he reminded me that I was dead to him. It didnt bother me, he was the cause of my mothers death and never cared for me or my sisters anyway. So this was our plan. We would move but I would stay at my middle school. My sister would drop me off and go straight back to work, no little detours or anything (we put a tracker in her car) I would go on the bus after school and visit my gramma. She would pick me up there and we would go home. She could only go out, with my permission and had a curfew. She could only smoke weed, but around me. Then, we got a dog. And that dog was my best friend, he loved me like nobody ever had! And things were perfect! My sister started gaining weight. Her skin started having color. And she was becoming her old self slowly. Then my dad contacted me. He wanted to pick me up, I said "No sorry I dont know you, Im dead to you, how can you come around and try to pick me up? Youre a stranger to me!" And he reported me as a runaway that night. I was put on probation for 8 months, I believe? And I was forced to move in with him and away from my sister...which ended up causing my sister to fall back into her old ways. My dads girlfriend, was his brothers wife. (My uncle passed away before my mother though.) Well this lady my "aunt" always hated me and treated me horrifically. Now I was living with her. She "apologized" for her "childish actions" I forgave her, and slowly she started going back to her old ways with me, all evil, again. And she ended up slapping me...and left me a bruise. I had to tell teachers and friends I ran into something. Only my best friend knew what really happened. And my dad did nothing about it! Then my dad went to jail for hitting her, and she forced me to move schools. I hated it. Every guy would come grinding up on me in the halls and touching me, it was so scary! Horrendous! My new best friend ended up having to scare the guys from touching me or even talking to me, thankfully and I survived 8th grade thanks to him. Freshman year went by smoother thanks to him, but at home everything was tragic. I would say my goodbyes to my best friend, and he would beg me not to kill myself. Sophomore year, same thing, and my sister tried to commit suicide again, on my most stressful and busy week. I had just gotten home, exhausted, from a long week of dance camp, and was trying to do laundry and pack again for church camp when we had to rush over to her apartment. There were broken things everywhere and she was so bloody. We couldnt grab her hands because that would make her bleed more. I hate this memory. I thought I was going to lose her for sure this time. we threw her in the shower and she calmed down...or so we thought. When she was dressed finally she randomly dove for a bottle of nail polish removed and started chugging it down we dashed at her and made her spit. I couldnt help but cry at this sight. i kept telling her to calm down because I needed her. My dad reminded her that I think shes all I have in this world. She "calmed down" again. then popped a bunch of pills out of no where! I dashed straight her on the floor my dad and her boyfriend came to help, her boyfriend grabbed her hands and my dad was scraping out the pills from her mouth and I picked them all up and flushed them...and she yelled "No! lol you! You little loling ! Those pills are expensive! How could you!? You !" I was shocked. This woman is my sister mother best friend and daughter altogether. I ran to her living room to call my best friend and cry. I couldnt help but cry. I didnt want to lose her. I didnt know what to do. when she finally calmed we left, she refused to come home with me though. I was so worried but I had to leave to church camp the next day. At church theres no connection to the world basically. Theres no service in the mountains so no texting, phone calls, or social networks. Nothing. But after so many days I NEEDED to hear from my sister and I had a panic attack in the middle of service I ran away and 5 friends came with me, one of the girls had a card with minutes I could use on the payphone in the kitchen, so i called my sister and she was doing MUCH better, luckily since then she hasnt tried anything again. But me, everyday I just break down at night while on skype with my best friend, who is now my boyfriend. My dad and I had fixed our loled up relationship and told me, "Karyn, if I ever go back to jail or die...leave. Leave the house. You dont need to be there if Im not there." So In September he went back to jail, I forgot why, I couldnt care less now though, and when I tried leaving he told his girlfriend to keep me here. I have ONE bra. Hand me down clothes from my sisters. My boyfriend gave me his deodorant when mine ran out. And old torn shoes. She says she wants me out of the house, and doesnt care to see me but refuses to let me go out! Shes evil. She does anything she can to interrupt me from doing homework! Anything for school, she interrupts! School is all I have. Im 17 years and a week old today. I want to die. im tired of this hell hole. I know people out there have it worse. But this lady wants me dead. And I want myself dead too. Why am I even here? If I die. Everyone will just be happier. Im tired of faking this smile. |
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| StandUpToBullying | Oct 15 2012, 02:56 AM Post #2 |
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Wait a year then you will be free!! You will be 18 and out of the house!! I know you can make it!! I know you can!! |
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| BrittanyLove13 | Oct 15 2012, 02:56 AM Post #3 |
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you're beautiful sweetie! I'm here for you! Message me if you need to talk! |
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| Karyn | Oct 15 2012, 02:59 AM Post #4 |
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Karyn
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Thats what keeps me going. The fact that I have 11 months and 3 weeks to go! But the closer I get to 18 the worse she treats me! Im a sweet girl, I dont like mean people.
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| AlinaDemi | Oct 15 2012, 03:02 AM Post #5 |
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Alina
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Message me on facebook (facebook.com/AlinaDemiK) or email me at alina.demi12@gmail.com whenever you need to talk. My name is Alina. I can help you. I may be far, but I'll be here to help you through what's going on. I've been through a lot myself and I don't want you to feel alone. |
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| AcidPinkLemonade | Oct 15 2012, 03:04 AM Post #6 |
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It's not worth it! Everything gets better. It only goes up from here. Things are okay in the end. If everything in your life is bad, then it's not the end. I'm Catholic. I believe in God. I know he's here. I know he's with you. He loves you, and he thinks he's beautiful and perfect. Your life is so precious, and if you get through this, bright days will be ahead. Please stay with us <3 I know you're strong and you can do it. If you need anything message me. One more year, and you're free. Talk to someone you trust, your boyfriend, an adult, a counselor, anything. I'm praying for you nonstop! I know the prayers will reach you soon! |
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| Karyn | Oct 15 2012, 03:05 AM Post #7 |
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Karyn
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Counselors. And cops. dont help. Ive tried everything. I just want to leave! I cant take 11 more months!
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| AcidPinkLemonade | Oct 15 2012, 03:07 AM Post #8 |
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The cops didn't do anything? |
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| Crystal | Oct 15 2012, 03:07 AM Post #9 |
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awe my heart goes out to you Karyn , hand in there , I pray God helps you through and out of this mess xoxox ps- your here for a reason dont doubt that |
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| freesonya4life | Oct 15 2012, 03:09 AM Post #10 |
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Hey Karyn, I'm Sonya. I truly ache for you. I know how difficult it can be, always trying to keep everything together. As much as you see that as your role, that's not who you are. When everyday is a challenge it's hard to want to continue, but I know you have the strength to continue, and now you have the support ![]() Please, PLEASE message me if I can listen, be a friend, or help in any way? |
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