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I want to die. Leave. Forever.
Topic Started: Oct 15 2012, 02:53 AM (114 Views)
Karyn
Karyn :)
My name is Karyn. Im 17 years and a week old now. Tired of breathing. Why am I here? Everyone says I have a purpose...but what is it? To suffer? I walk around the halls with a huge smile on my face everyday. But what only few of them know is...Im dying inside. I grew up seeing my father beat my mother purple. I lost her December 29th 2005 at 5:00 pm. I didnt know what to do, the Doctors tried to bring her back, and for days I whispered in her ear, "Please dont leave me. If you leave, you will be locking me in the darkest closet and taking the only key with you." And January 6, 2006 when they took her off life support...since then...thats exactly how Ive felt. Locked in torture. Then my sister fell into drugs and I didnt know what to do...at first I hated her. I hated her for coming into me and my grandmother's home and being rude, drugged up and disrespectful all the time. When I heard she was in jail for DWI and possession, after prom, and crashed my dads truck I thought, Good, she deserves it. But then...seeing how crazy and unlike herself, these drugs were making her, and how she would use them to attempt to commit suicide, and my dad would just laugh. I hated it. She had to get her stomach pumped, but she died for a while in the ambulance. She also later attempted to slit her wrist. I still see the scars today and thank God, I walked into the kitchen at the perfect time to scream and pull her arms apart and save her. I felt pity for her. All I wanted was to save her. From those demons. Little by little I started seeing my sister as my daughter, and all I wanted was to protect her and take care of her! Nothing else mattered more than that! So In 7th grade, after being incarcerated again, her boss called me. They were willing to bail her out and she would keep her job, if and only IF, she and I moved in the apartment behind the office. And I was responsible for her and to make sure she laid off the drugs and drinking. So I said, Yes, of course, anything to help my sister. So, I called my dad told him what we were going to do, my grandmother was okay with it, I was packing my stuff and he didnt like it. I explained to him how important it was to me, to avoid losing my sister to drugs and alcohol. He said if i left I was dead to him, I told him thats too bad because there was nothing he could do to stop us. And he reminded me that I was dead to him. It didnt bother me, he was the cause of my mothers death and never cared for me or my sisters anyway. So this was our plan. We would move but I would stay at my middle school. My sister would drop me off and go straight back to work, no little detours or anything (we put a tracker in her car) I would go on the bus after school and visit my gramma. She would pick me up there and we would go home. She could only go out, with my permission and had a curfew. She could only smoke weed, but around me. Then, we got a dog. And that dog was my best friend, he loved me like nobody ever had! And things were perfect! My sister started gaining weight. Her skin started having color. And she was becoming her old self slowly. Then my dad contacted me. He wanted to pick me up, I said "No sorry I dont know you, Im dead to you, how can you come around and try to pick me up? Youre a stranger to me!" And he reported me as a runaway that night. I was put on probation for 8 months, I believe? And I was forced to move in with him and away from my sister...which ended up causing my sister to fall back into her old ways. My dads girlfriend, was his brothers wife. (My uncle passed away before my mother though.) Well this lady my "aunt" always hated me and treated me horrifically. Now I was living with her. She "apologized" for her "childish actions" I forgave her, and slowly she started going back to her old ways with me, all evil, again. And she ended up slapping me...and left me a bruise. I had to tell teachers and friends I ran into something. Only my best friend knew what really happened. And my dad did nothing about it! Then my dad went to jail for hitting her, and she forced me to move schools. I hated it. Every guy would come grinding up on me in the halls and touching me, it was so scary! Horrendous! My new best friend ended up having to scare the guys from touching me or even talking to me, thankfully and I survived 8th grade thanks to him. Freshman year went by smoother thanks to him, but at home everything was tragic. I would say my goodbyes to my best friend, and he would beg me not to kill myself. Sophomore year, same thing, and my sister tried to commit suicide again, on my most stressful and busy week. I had just gotten home, exhausted, from a long week of dance camp, and was trying to do laundry and pack again for church camp when we had to rush over to her apartment. There were broken things everywhere and she was so bloody. We couldnt grab her hands because that would make her bleed more. I hate this memory. I thought I was going to lose her for sure this time. we threw her in the shower and she calmed down...or so we thought. When she was dressed finally she randomly dove for a bottle of nail polish removed and started chugging it down we dashed at her and made her spit. I couldnt help but cry at this sight. i kept telling her to calm down because I needed her. My dad reminded her that I think shes all I have in this world. She "calmed down" again. then popped a bunch of pills out of no where! I dashed straight her on the floor my dad and her boyfriend came to help, her boyfriend grabbed her hands and my dad was scraping out the pills from her mouth and I picked them all up and flushed them...and she yelled "No! lol you! You little loling ! Those pills are expensive! How could you!? You !" I was shocked. This woman is my sister mother best friend and daughter altogether. I ran to her living room to call my best friend and cry. I couldnt help but cry. I didnt want to lose her. I didnt know what to do. when she finally calmed we left, she refused to come home with me though. I was so worried but I had to leave to church camp the next day. At church theres no connection to the world basically. Theres no service in the mountains so no texting, phone calls, or social networks. Nothing. But after so many days I NEEDED to hear from my sister and I had a panic attack in the middle of service I ran away and 5 friends came with me, one of the girls had a card with minutes I could use on the payphone in the kitchen, so i called my sister and she was doing MUCH better, luckily since then she hasnt tried anything again. But me, everyday I just break down at night while on skype with my best friend, who is now my boyfriend. My dad and I had fixed our loled up relationship and told me, "Karyn, if I ever go back to jail or die...leave. Leave the house. You dont need to be there if Im not there." So In September he went back to jail, I forgot why, I couldnt care less now though, and when I tried leaving he told his girlfriend to keep me here. I have ONE bra. Hand me down clothes from my sisters. My boyfriend gave me his deodorant when mine ran out. And old torn shoes. She says she wants me out of the house, and doesnt care to see me but refuses to let me go out! Shes evil. She does anything she can to interrupt me from doing homework! Anything for school, she interrupts! School is all I have. Im 17 years and a week old today. I want to die. im tired of this hell hole. I know people out there have it worse. But this lady wants me dead. And I want myself dead too. Why am I even here? If I die. Everyone will just be happier. Im tired of faking this smile.
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chuymora92

karyn i'm really sorry to hear that but you have to be strong. ask god to help you and your family so everything can turn out the way it should be . i'm going to pray for you so that you can live your life the way you want it . you can add me on facebook and message me whenever you need to let your emotions out . https://www.facebook.com/sillymanolow
Edited by chuymora92, Oct 15 2012, 03:14 AM.
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AcidPinkLemonade

I have to go to bed now, but please, PLEASE. I beg you. Just hang in there. You have support from all of us. I'm praying. I know you can make it through. Goodnight <3 I love you, and God loves you!
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Int.girl

Thanks for sharing your story. Don't let your fathers girlfriend interfere with your school work. If you have goals to be something, anything like a doctor for example do it. Don't let anyone or anything stop you. But don't loose hope and don't think that death is the answer because it never is. I'm sure your sister needs you as much as you need her and I'm sure she would be just as upset as you were when she tried to kill herself if you also tried to commit suicide. Also always believe that things will get better. I'm sure you have heard it a million times but everyone has good and bad times in their life you just have to get through them so you can reach a better tomorrow. It's never too late to change things either. Stay strong, stick with the people who love and care for you, believe in yourself and your goals, and once again don't loose hope and believe that your life will get better at some point. Once you've hit rock bottom in your life there is nowhere to go it up. ^_^
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Karyn
Karyn :)
Every night I pull out my bottle of pills. I just want to take it already. But I stay because Im so inlove with my best friend, and I stay for him, my twin sisters and gramma. But I dont know how much longer that will be enough to keep me here.
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