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Political Jokes / Humor
Topic Started: Oct 30 2005, 01:03 AM (706 Views)
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Rock Star From Mars

Check out the photo of the "grieving widow" atop this page:
Widow of Murdered Fly Seeks White House Apology, Sh*t
-from Iowa Hawk's blog, by Iowa Hawk

Excerpt:
  • WASHINGTON -- The widow of the housefly murdered by Barack Obama during a recent CNBC television interview announced this morning that she would be filing a wrongful death suit against the President in federal district court. The plaintiff brief -- citing pain, suffering and loss of income -- seeks a formal apology and compensatory damages, including an unspecified quantity of sh**.

    "Bob was a wonderful husband and provider," said the widow, Mrs. Vivian Vvzzvzwwzzz, wiping tears from her compound eyes. "Even though he was always busy at the Rose Garden turd pile, he always flew home in time to tuck in our maggots."

    The 17-day old widow said the grieving process since the murder has taken its toll.

    "Although it's been nearly 48 hours, I still get an empty feeling in my thorax everytime I think about it," she said. "I feel like I've aged an entire week. Mating season is over, and here I am, stuck trying to raise 532 larvae on my own."

    Vvzzvzwwzzz described the "abdomen-wrenching horror" she experienced while watching the President casually assassinate her husband during the live broadcast.

    "It was just before supper time and I was predigesting the evening sh** for the kids," she recalled. "When I looked up at the TV I saw Bob there, and of course I was pretty excited. He started waving at me, and then, all of a sudden, SLAP! My whole world, my life, layed smashed across the back of Obama's left hand. And with 360 degree peripheral vision and hundreds of eye facets, it was impossible to look away."
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Rock Star From Mars

I got this in an e-mail today:
  • Washington, DC-- July 20, 2009

    Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India of September 1, 2009.

    The move is being made in order to save the President's $400,000 yearly salary, and also a record $750 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead that his office has incurred during the last 3 months.

    It is anticipated that $7 trillion can be saved to the end of the President's term. "We believe this is a wise financial move.

    The cost savings are huge," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). "We cannot remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.

    Obama was informed by email this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time.

    Gurvinder Singh, a tele-technician for IndusTeleservices, Mumbai, India, will assume the office of President as of September 1, 2009.

    Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, NY thus making him eligible for the position.

    He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month, but no health coverage or other benefits.

    It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff.

    Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night.

    "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer
    call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited
    about this position. I always hoped I would be President."

    A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh
    may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of
    President, this should not be a problem as Obama had never been familiar
    with the issues either.

    Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable
    him to respond effectively to most topics of concern.

    Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to
    understand the underlying issue at all. "We know these scripting tools
    work," stated the spokesperson. "Obama has used them successfully for
    years, with the result that some people actually thought he knew what he
    was talking about."

    Obama will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary
    until his final day of employment.

    Following a two-week waiting period, he will be eligible
    for $140 a week unemployment for 26 weeks.

    Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit.

    Obama has been provided with the outplacement services
    of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his
    upcoming job transition.

    According to Manpower, Obama may have difficulties in securing a new position due to a lack of any successful work experience during his lifetime.

    A greeter position at WalMart was suggested due to Obama's extensive experience at shaking hands, as well as his special smile.
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Rock Star From Mars

Click small photo to view larger one.

Obama and the milk cow cartoon:
Posted Image
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Rock Star From Mars

Help Mom! Radicals Are Ruining My Country
  • Sometimes You Want to Scream...Why Not Laugh a Little Instead?

    From the author of the bestselling Help! Mom! There Are Liberals Under My Bed!, Katharine DeBrecht, comes Help! Mom! Radicals Are Ruining My Country! - a hilarious and entertaining way for parents to sit down with their children and teach them the origins of the new Tea Party movement and the importance of standing up for liberty and the American Dream.

    Follow Tommy and Lou as they struggle to keep their swing set business afloat despite 246 czars, onerous regulations and sky-high taxes in these troubling times. Will Tommy and Lou finally decide to join the other kids on the corner in standing up for freedom or will they continue to fear being vilified by the press and demeaned by Marxus Obundus (“the One”)?
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Posted Image
direct link
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E-mail Fwd
  • No time to read, but like to? Below are several book choices for those who are really busy with life, but short on time... enjoy...

    The Worlds Shortest Books.
    THINGS I DID TO DESERVE
    THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
    by Barack Obama
    ______________________________________________
    THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY

    by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan.
    Illustrated by Michael Moore
    ________________________________________
    MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS &
    HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA

    by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
    _______________________________________
    THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL

    by Hillary Clinton
    ________________________________
    Sequel:
    THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
    By Bill Clinton
    ___________________________________

    THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
    by Bill Gates
    ____________________________________

    THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
    by Dennis Rodman
    _________________________________

    THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE
    by Al Gore & John Kerry
    _____________________________________

    AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
    ___________________________________

    A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
    by Dr. J. Kevorkian
    __________________________________

    TO ALL THE MEN WE'VE LOVED BEFORE .......
    by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel
    _________________________________

    THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
    _______________________________________

    MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLER(S)
    by O. J. Simpson
    _________________________________________

    HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY
    by Ted Kennedy
    ______________________

    MY BOOK OF MORALS
    by Bill Clinton with introduction
    by the Rev. Jesse Jackson
    AND, JUST ADDED:

    Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy!
    By Nancy Pelosi
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The Wedding

A woman, married three times, walked into a
bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk
that she was looking for a wedding gown for
her fourth wedding.

"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk,
"exactly what type and color are you looking
for?"

The bride to be said: "A long frilly white
dress with a veil."

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said,
"Please don't take this the wrong way, but
gowns of that nature are considered more
appropriate for brides who are being married
the first time - for those who are a bit more
innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps
ivory or sky blue would be nice ?"

"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved
at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you
that a white gown would be quite appropriate.
Believe it or not, despite all my marriages,
I remain as innocent as a first time bride.

You see, my first husband was so excited
about our wedding, he died as we were
checking into our hotel. My second husband
and I got into such a terrible fight in the
limo on our way to our honeymoon that we
had that wedding annulled immediately and
never spoke to each other again."

"What about your third husband?" asked the
sales clerk.

"That one was a Democrat," said the woman,
"and every night for four years, he just sat
on the edge of the bed and told me how good
it was going to be, but nothing ever happened.
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An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger said, “I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can’t afford to die.”

So he took the first pack and left the plane.

The second passenger, Nancy Pelosi said,
"I am the speaker of the house. And I am the smartest woman in American history, so America ’s people don’t want me to die.”

She took the second pack and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, John Kerry, said, “I’m a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America ”.

So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped.

The fourth passenger, Ex-President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl,
“I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.”

The girl said, “That’s okay. There’s a parachute left for you. America’s smartest woman took my schoolbag.”
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Rock Star From Mars

> One day a fourth-grade teacher asked
>
> the children what their fathers did for a living.
>
> All the typical answers came up:
>
> fireman, mechanic, businessman, sales man
>
> and so forth.
>
> However, little Justin was being
>
> uncharacteristically quiet, so when the
>
> teacher prodded him about
>
> his father, he replied, "My father's
>
> an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes
>
> off all his clothes in front of other men
>
> and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes,
>
> if the offer is really good, he will go home
>
> with some guy and stay with him all night
>
> for money."
>
> The teacher, obviously shaken by this
>
> statement, hurriedly set the other children to work
>
> on some exercises and took little Justin aside
>
> to ask him, "Is that really true about
>
> your father?"
>
> "No," the boy said, "He works for the
>
> Democratic National Committee and helped to get
>
> Obama elected, but it's too embarrassing to
>
> say that in front of the other kids."
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Rock Star From Mars

A man walked into a very high-tech bar.

As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot.

The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"

The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please."

The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.

The robot then asked,
"Sir, what is your IQ?"

The man answered "oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', 'inter-steller space travel', 'the latest medical break throughs', etc.......

The man was most impressed.

He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact.

He returned and took a seat.

Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have?

"A martini please."

Again it was superb.

The robot again asked "what is your IQ, sir?"

This time the man answered, "Oh about 100".

So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time.

So he left, returned and took a stool.

Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"??

This time the man drawled out "Uh...... bout 50".

The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,

"A-r-e
y-o-u
p-e-o-p-l-e
s-t-i-l-l
h-a-p-p-y
w-i-t-h
O-B-A-M-A?"
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Rock Star From Mars

Keep in mind that Obama got his political career started in Chicago:
  • The Doctors

    A Japanese doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we took the kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."

    A German doctor said, "That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."

    A British doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half of a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

    A Chicago doctor, not to be outdone said, "You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brains out of Chicago, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work."
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