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Asylum 6; Commentary Calamity!
Topic Started: Jun 4 2013, 08:14 AM (148 Views)
British Asylum Wrestling
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British Asylum Wrestling presents
ASYLUM 6
From South Craven School, Crosshills!
Wednesday, May 29th, 2013


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We open up seeing the BAW logo with Motörhead’s “Asylum Choir” playing out when our cameras pan ringside around the gym hall in South Craven School. There are 274 in attendance, mainly teenagers, and of course Rainbow & Jeeves at ringside, with Jeeves looking masterful as ever, and Rainbow being her usual garish and slutty self!

Rainbow: OH MY GOD IT’S ASYLUM FUCKING SIX! And... unfortunately my offers of sexual favours in return for a new broadcast partner have been turned down so far, so I’m still here with Jeeves.


Jeeves: ....Excuse me?

Rainbow: ...Um... HI JEEVES!


Jeeves: Thank bloody christ you didn’t offer me any.

Rainbow: Why scared you’d cave in and get Christelle mad?

Jeeves: Deary me no, I’d just hate to see you cry on live transmission.

Rainbow: Why would I cry? Have you got a small willy, Jeeves?

Jeeves: I am not the type to brag about my personal endowment but I have been called Bull of Blackpool, of course I meant that turning you down would burst you to tears.

She sniffles a bit.

Rainbow: Yeah..like anyone..would cry over something like a huge pulsing--

Jeeves: What do you think about tonight’s matches?

Rainbow: SHOW!!! I think all the good people will win, and all the Mexicans will lose!!! And Cara will show up and be a super amazing champion! And Combat Rawk will be the best team EVER! And Terry Roberts’ partner will suck! And--

Jeeves: Do you even know who his partner is? Because I am sure the fans would love to know

Rainbow: Oh like it fucking matters anyway! There isn’t enough paleontologists in the world to find him a fossil that could fake being a wrestler, or if there is CCM would never approve of such lavish misuse of the company funds.

Jeeves: You do realize that tonight may just be our sixth show yet but so far we are having the biggest crowd attendance we have ever had, if this is the trend things are certainly looking up for BAW

Rainbow: Wow you think we will actually get paid something close to the minimum wage in European Standards if that keeps up?

Jeeves: I doubt we will never do THAT well to be honest and..

He watches at the camera filming, gulps loudly fixing his collars.

Jeeves:..AND WHO WOULD WANT TO BE PAID because obviously a great job like this is something you’d be lucky enough to do for free!

Rainbow: SHUT UP! DON’T GIVE HIM IDEAS!!!

Jeeves: Damnit... get the first match on! QUICKLY!!!

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Stingray: Alright, this openin’ blue is scheduled for one fall!

Dream A Dream by Captain Jack begins to blast across all the speakers. Brittany emerges on the ramp and begins to break out moves like she is playing a DDR video game… She has absolutely no rhythm of course… The crowd cheers loudly and she smiles as she does a Cartwheel, after Cartwheel, after cartwheel all the way to the ring. She slides inside and finds herself really tired as she practically passes out on the mat… The referee helps her up and Brittany gives the thumbs up to the roaring sound of the crowd.

Stingray: Alright! Brittany looks a little more full of beans today! Come on love, you can do it! Ladies & Gentlemen... BRITTANY WILLIAMS!

Rainbow: Go Brittany! Time to beat on a Husky Ruskie... BOOYAH!

Jeeves: You do realize that she has little to no wrestling experience, yes? And that she is going one on one with a no doubt extremely angry, violent and aggressive Mika Demidov, yes?

Rainbow: ...GO FOR A COUNT OUT!!!

Jeeves: ........

"Korobeiniki" hits the sound system and Mika comes from backstage with her usual golden attire, but she just powerwalk down the ramp and into the ring. She doesn’t even wave or acknowledge the crowd this time as she’s just steaming pissed.

Stingray: And her opponent! From Russia, she is--


Mika smacks Stingray in the chest and tells him to shut the hell up.

Jeeves: Mika apparently not in the mood for Steve’s colourful announcing tonight.

Rainbow: BOO! What a sourpuss. Seriously, a cat full of lemon juice. Super sourpuss.

Jeeves: Well, that’s kinder than what you usually say about Mika.

Rainbow: Yep. Oh, and she’s a fucking cuntbag too.

Jeeves: .... *sighs*

Thomas Harrison explains to the ladies just how clean of a fight he wants, says that he will not tolerate any nonsense and for some reason looks at Mika during this whole little speech with the Red Star just dismisses with a scoff, while Brittany just seems distraught to even being there, we see some sort of commotion up on the rampway.

Jeeves: What’s going on? We were supposed to have a match but apparently not everything is ready yet, isn’t that..

Rainbow: CCM and he’s not alone!

Jeeves: No he’s not, isn’t that...

Rainbow: JAMAL! YOU CAME FOR ME MY HULKING BLACK PRINCE OF...!!

CCM explains something to Jamal who nods standing up on the entranceway with arms across his broad chest, looking rather imposing, CCM grabs a mic from his pocket.

CCM: Brittany, since you have shown a tendency to try and weasel out of your matches as of late, I have made some special arrangements for tonight. I can’t be here for all of your matches, I AM A BUSY MAN DAMN IT, need to get my drink on and such, so my pal Jackson here..

Jamal:...Jamal

CCM: What?

Jamal: My name is Jamal.

CCM: It is? I am sorry. Anyway, Jamal here will be your... manager of sorts. He will ensure you “manage” to stay in the ring. Ehehehe. RING THE BELL!!!

Rainbow: SHE GETS JAMAL? I WANT JAMAL!!!

Jeeves: Well it’s not like they are dating or getting married or..

Rainbow: MARRIED!?! OH NO! JAMAL I CAN CHANGE!

Jeeves: what?!

Rainbow: Jamal, baby, honey, boogaloo I swear I’ll do all the crazy Brooklyn Bounces and whatever just please don’t go with her, I PUT OUT AND I AM GREAT!

Jeeves: You know the mic is on right?

Rainbow: OF COURSE I DO MY LOVE NEEDS TO BE HEARD!

Jeeves: Yeah, just meant you don’t have to YELL.

Rainbow: SHUT UP JEEVES THIS IS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!

Jeeves: You don’t even know him.

Rainbow: WILL YOU STOP! I LOVE MY CHOCOLATE HULK!

CCM: DAMNIT HARRISON, IGNORE THE LOVESICK LOSER AND RING THE MOTHERFUCKING BELL!!!!

CCM storms to the back as the bell rings, and we get underway.

Eyeing up at her competition Mika circles around Brittany who still doesn’t seem to understand just why is Jamal out there, she does not impress the Russian who just glares at her, slapping her to the back of the head.

Jeeves: Mika trying to get the rookie to pay attention to the match, instead of her manager.

Rainbow: Well being raised in the cold tundra she can’t appreciate the wonders of massive black pecs, stupid commies, Black Russian is one hell of a paradox, smooth chocolate taste yet full of borsch..

Jeeves: That’s not how they make it.

Rainbow: Like you would know, you are not black NOR Russian!

Jeeves:...

Brittany puts up her dukes, getting a fighting chance which just gets a giggle out of Mika, she is throwing mock punches in the air like it was Rocky IV all over again except this time Ivan Drago has tits and isn’t played by a swede but an actual Russian and Rocky..well is black and better than sly.

Twisting her hip a bit Brittany looks like she was ready to throw a punch, Mika sticks her chin out pointing her to try and hit but instead Williams launches a kick right to the side of her head, knocking the Ruskie back.

Rainbow: What ring presence, what strategy! Brittany Williams has some moves on her, you go girl!

Jeeves: She missed the chin though, that’s more like temple area, tsk tsk.

Mika wobbles back holding her head, she seems to be holding her balance just barely while the crowd erupts to praises for B-Brat’s kick and she smiles, which seems to trigger something dangerous in St. Petersburg native.

Mika: You dirty little Sooka, upstage me will you?!

She takes Williams off her feet with the Thesz press and starts to deliver mounted pounches to her with both hands.

Mika: Who’s laughing now?! Come on Bitch, LAUGH AT ME NOW!

Jeeves: Wow have you seen such pure white hatred from Mika before.

Rainbow: She must be taking that siege awfully hard.

Jeeves: Siege?

Rainbow: You know, of her hometown, Leningrad.

Jeeves: What?! That ended in 1944 not to mention the fact that the city hasn’t been known as Leningrad since 1991!

Rainbow: Well in Russian years that wasn’t that long ago, those Ruskies are simple minded savages they hate change almost as much as they hate freedom and democracy.

Jeeves: Your hateful rhetoric is really strong today, just threw that out there, do you understand what I mean by that Miss Rainbow.

Rainbow: Clear as vodka as the Russians say!

Jeeves:...

Harrison has had enough about the punches he checks on Brittany and tells Mika to get off from top of her, which she responds by jumping up and telling that she can take him down just as well if that’s how he wants to play it, obviously there was no part of Miss Demidov that was feeling cheerful tonight and it gave a whole new dangerous element to the match on it’s own. Without actually waiting for B-Brat to get up Mika grabs her by the hair yanking her up to her feet, throwing some slaps across her face.

Mika: Do not pass out on me bitch, I’m not done!

She takes some speed off the ropes while Brittany barely has time to get her surroundings Mika connects with a vicious big boot, rocking Brit down, she holds up her arms while the crowd rains boos and jeers on to her. She flips the bird on them and starts to deliver a stomping on the laid out Brittany.

Jeeves: Well I guess it is fairly safe to say that this has been fairly one sided match so far, Mika Demidov is delivering a DEVASTATING stomping on her opponent and no doubt this is all pent up frustration over her failure to capture the first British Empire Championship on Asylum 5.

Rainbow: No, you think?

Jeeves: Why yes, yes I do.

Rainbow: That’s some clever insight there Jeeves, thought it all by yourself.

Jeeves: Actually, yes I did.

Rainbow: That is some talent you got, how about you reveal some more of shocking knowledge to everyone like that water is wet and maybe while you are it explain to them that 22% of worlds forests are in Russia!

Jeeves: Really?

Rainbow: Yes captain obvious, really, I mean EVERYONE knows that!

Jeeves: I didn’t and I don’t know why you would either to be honest.

Rainbow: Know your enemy Jeeves, know your enemy.

Mika is damn near foaming at the mouth by this time, her eyes are fired up with hatred, and it all seems to spell out certain doom for Brittany Williams but Lil Dream machine manages to pull off something that seems to be a knee jerk reaction, looks completely spontaneous reversal wrapping her legs around Mika’s leg and forces the furious female off her balance taking her down, without wasting any time, Brittany kips up, she is on her feet and rushes for the ropes when Jamal starts to walk down to ringside, She realizes there is no way for her to leave through the way she came from, Mika is cussing and roaring getting slowly back to her feet and Brit knows she won’t be going back either, so she climbs to the turnbuckle in corner, looking at both Jamal and Mika in turns.

Jeeves: Brittany Williams is caught, she looks desperate, like the poor girl is trying to figure out which of the two she could manage to take out of the equation.

Slowly Brittany stands up, we see her gulp deep, closing her eyes, going eenie-meenie-miney-mo...

Rainbow: No! Jamal move! I’ll save you!

Jeeves: Will you shut up! The poor girl is in trouble, she doesn’t know which of them to jump.

Rainbow: The choice is easy, GO FOR THE COMMIE BRITTANY! SHE HATES US ALL!

Williams takes flight landing a elbow from the top turnbuckle on to the crown of Mika Demidov’s head.

Jeeves: Good god almighty! Brittany Williams might have just KILLED poor Mika Demidov with that elbow, did you see that, she did that with her eyes closed, like a lucky fluke and it hits right on target.

Rainbow: YUSSSSS! DING DONG THE BITCH IS DEAD! AND JAMAL’S SAFE!

Jeeves:...I thought the song is about a witch.

Rainbow: Her too.

Brit opens up her eyes to see the crowd chanting her on she seems to be gasping breath in disbelief, feeling up her body realizing she actually survived that and jumps up busting some happy dance moves.

Jeeves: Look at the moves on B-Brat!

Rainbow: Don’t! Just pin her you stupid stupid girl! Dance later!

Mika is laid out, motionless, and Brittany busts some booty popping moves going around the ring for the enjoyment of the fans who welcome her with joy, while their thunderous cheers are going on she can’t focus on her opponent, who opens up her eyes, sits up, and throws daggers at Williams with her eyes, attacking her from behind with a vicious knee to the spine, crumbling Brit in the middle of her dance routine, she shrieks in agony as Mika grabs her in a vice like grip forcing her throat against the middle rope, grabbing the top rope for leverage she leans her full weight against the hurt opponent.

Mika: I’ll kill you bitch! I’ll fucking kill you!

Thomas Harrison rushes to the ropes telling Mika to let go of Brittany.

Jeeves: Mika Demidov was not happy that the rookie is trying to get a name for herself at her expense.


Rainbow: She would be even less happy had she got pinned like I hoped! Let her go you stupid fat ruskie! She’ll die under all that bolshevik blubber!

Harrison tells Mika to break the hold one more time but she just curses him out in Russian, so Thomas starts to count.

1!

2!!

3!!!

4!!!!

5!!!!!

Mika refuses to let go and Harrison calls for the bell, which is rung.

Steve “Stingray” Irvine: Crikey that’s one pissed off Ruskie! Winner of this match because of the angry rusky couldn’t follow the rules, with a Disqualification it is..Brittany Williams!

Thomas Harrison yanks Mika off Brittany himself, trying to lecture her on the rules of the match and how Demidov lost because she didn’t break the count, Mika throws her arms up and just hocks a spit at Harrison before walking off while Thomas wipes the loogie off his face the EMT’s show up checking on Williams.

Jeeves: What a unsanctioned display of hatred and frustration we saw here tonight and it was just our first match of the night folks, Mika Demidov was LIVID and she took it all out on her opponent.

Rainbow: That Rabid Ruskie should be put down for this kind of conduct, see it’s because of people like her Josef Stalin lasted so long in power, it’s because of her that Vladimir Putin can do whatever the hell he wants in that country, people like Mika Demidov are the scourge of our fair society!

Jeeves: Well it’s obvious you have no love loss for Mika Demidov but what do you think of Brittany Williams?

Rainbow: Outside the fact that she has the undivided attention of Jamal and I don’t? Well I actually quite like her, shame in a sense if she learned to like the business she could do great here.

Jeeves: Speaking of Jamal, why do you think he did not interfere to help Miss Williams out of that choke moments ago?

Rainbow: Honestly? Because he was dreaming of sweeping me away in his strong loving arms and..

Jeeves: Enough.

Rainbow: Oh you know nothing, I’m right aren’t I Jamal?

Rainbow: JAMAL?!!?

We just see Jamal walking towards backstage without as much as a glance towards Rainbow.

Jeeves: I’d say you are wrong.

Rainbow: He’s just putting up a facade, playing hard to get you know how those black studs are right Jeeves?

Jeeves: Actually..I don’t.

Rainbow: Oh you do! You know like they are so big and buff and macho and deep down they all just want to taste the rainbow.

Jeeves: I quite like Skittles too.

Rainbow: Skittles?!

Jeeves: Taste the rainbow, that’s what you meant right?

Rainbow:....Oh! Yeah, thaaat’s what I meant. On with the show then..someone get me a pair of panties. I need to change before the next match.



SEGMENT: Das Buzz

We are backstage South Craven School in Crosshills when a totally new face for the fans, he seems to be functional and dressed with immaculate taste and with a sour look on his face, obviously not happy to be there.

Wagner: Willkommen mein damen und herren for Asylum 6 Mein name is Johan Wagner and at this time, I am privileged to start mein interview career with a man who has made quite the buzz around the volk, Herr Terry Roberts!

Roberts nods to the kraut, dressed in his usual “I refuse to admit I am almost 60 years old and I still think 80’s are the shit” attire of spandex and chains. The Geriatric Gorilla flexes his muscles and speaks up.

Roberts: Quite a buzz? QUITE A BUZZ? Goddammit, back in my day interviewers knew how to use proper superlatives... BROTHER.

Terry leans in to Wagner and measures him up, his impressive walrus moustache wiggling intensely.

Roberts: But you do have a point. What happened at Last Asylum was just a pretaste of what was to come. I mean, back in my day if you had an issue with someone you fought alone. And back in my day if your opponent resorted to outside help... You got some of your own. And that is what Hayley Dark felt last Asylum... Brother.

Johan clears up his throat smoothing over his thin moustache that slicked back blond hair in perfect form.

Wagner: Achtung, there have been questions raised about your possible involvement on the attack towards Hayley Dark, what role did you play in that English floozy’s attack? We never saw the attacker, did you?

A small chuckle emanates from under that moustache as Roberts strokes his chin, trying to look mysterious. And failing miserably.

Roberts: You can say that. Let’s just say that back in my day you knew who to trust. And in this world of modern “wrestling” who else to trust than someone who’s been through the same school as you. Don’t you agree.. brother!

Arching a brow Johan glares towards Roberts like a Gestapo interrogator.

Johan: Was? School..So what do you mean with that Herr Roberts, you are heading in for a tag team match against Hayley Dark and Big Daddy Don Tirri, but hier you are on your own, wo ist deine partner?

Again, Roberts scratches his jaw and grins widely.

Roberts: Well... Let’s just say that back in my day you didn’t reveal your cards before it was the time. This time you aren’t waiting for the third man brother... you are waiting to see what the Old School teaches to its workers. You will find out my dear sauerkraut... when everyone else finds out. Brother!

Roberts won’t even wait for Wagner’s response he storms his way towards the ring while Wagner turns to glare at the camera.

Wagner: There you have it, sie old school legend Herr Terry Roberts is heading zum das ring and he has all the answers for you and I for one believe that you fish and chips gorging tea guzzling cowards are in for a surprise that will kick those bad teeth right down zum your throat, this ist Herr Johan Wagner, your Obersturmführer interviewer signing off.

He clicks his heels together and we move back to ringside


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“Who’s your daddy say who’s your daddy!”

The punchline of “Who’s your Daddy” by Lordi blasts of the PA-system and the crowds focus turns to the entranceway. After the opening riff ends, “Big Daddy” Don Tirri walks out through the curtain and starts

making his way down the ramp, slapping the hands of fans as the first verse begins.

Steve “Stingray” Irvine: Go’night mates this blue is a TAG TEAM MATCH! Introducing first he is one half of Drink&Bounce, “Big Daddy” Don Tirri!

“All the vixens stand in line

Waiting for my fright night

Be the new flesh for the sacrifice

Screaming out the mating call

I've become the lord of love!”

When the song reaches its chorus, Tirri slides into the ring and climbs the turnbuckle and points to the crowd to start a sing-along of the chorus.

“Who's your daddy,

say, who's your daddy?

Who puts you in your place?

Who's your daddy,

bitch, who's your daddy?

Surrender and obey, who's your daddy?”

When the chorus ends Tirri walks into the center of the ring and raises both of his hands in the air with his fingers in the “Devil-horn” salute, turning to do it to every side of the ring, then turning to face his opponent.

Jeeves: Look at that! He is sloshed again? When are we going to get some sort of wellness policy in this company?

Rainbow: Never as long as it costs something.

Jeeves: How would you know, did you ask Sir Millar?

Rainbow: Nope, read it from my contract.

Jeeves:...but it’s in GREEK!

Rainbow: So?

Jeeves: You don’t speak Greek do you?!

Rainbow: No, but I READ it fluently!

Jeeves: Surely you don’t..

Rainbow: Sure I do, I met this really hairy musician guy who taught me.

Jeeves: Please spare me any and all details.

Rainbow: He’s a great cook! or at least I hope I hooked up with him because of his cooking and not--

Jeeves: Interesting fact Miss Rainbow did you know that the band that plays Tirri’s song is actually somewhat famous they won the Eurovision Song Contest back in 20th of May 2006..

Rainbow: With a song like this?! That’s some whacky judging going on!

Jeeves: No it was called “Hard Rock Hallelujah” actually.

Rainbow: So a Tirri is a fan of gospel music then eh? Never would have guessed..

Jeeves: It’s not that religious, besides it was the first and only win for FInland in the contest.

Rainbow: Surprised they can win anything living practically in Siberia and so close to those commies, Freedom to the oppressed people of FInland! Fight for your FINNIN’ RIGHT TO BE FREE YOU REINDEER RIDING RASCALS!

Jeeves: ...Oh hey there comes Hayley!


“Who’s Next” by Porcelain Black hits the PA, and Hayley bounds out from behind the curtain, waving manically to the crowd. She dances down the ramp, and dives into the ring. She puts on a dancing clinic in the ring until the music stops.

Steve “Stingray” Irvine: Joining her partner in the ring this sheila is the other half of Drink&Bounce, “The BOING Machine” Hayley Dark!

Jeeves: You have to respect someone like Hayley who obviously had more than her fair share of trouble in life and yet she is full of such joy every time you see her.

Rainbow: Looking how much she bounces around I wouldn’t be surprise if she was just spring loaded! I do like the work those two do together though, regular Odd Couple if I ever saw one!

Jeeves: I’ve seen all the episodes, terrific show I mean it’s no EastEnders or Downton Abbey but they got a pretty catchy theme.

Rainbow: You are a man of mystery Jeeves.

Jeeves hums along to the theme of “Odd Couple”

Jeeves: Dada da-da-daa, dada-dada-daa, Dada da-da-daa, dada-dada-daa~

This upsets poor Rainbow.

Rainbow: WILL YOU STOP!?! We a match to call!


The lights dim and “Old School” Terry Roberts walks through the curtain, the lack of entrance music adding a touch of surreality to his walk down the aisle. He ignores the fans and simply climbs the steps and enters the ring, flexing the ropes a bit before leaning against them to wait for the start of the match.

Steve “Stingray” Irvine: Annnd introducing the other half of the match, already in the ring from Dallas Texas, they don’t get any older than this mates.. “Old School” Terry Roberts

Jeeves: Well there’s Terry Roberts but where is his partner?

Rainbow: Maybe he has none? All his friends are probably dead anyway, if ever had any.

Jeeves: That’s horrible! How could you say something so horrible about the man.

Rainbow: Horrible? I even created a website for him LonelyRoberts.Net, 20 bucks a click, the man needs his alzheimer pills.

Jeeves: Oh that’s enough of you Miss Rainbow!

Rainbow: Fine, lord buzzkiller..

Roberts leans up against the ropes tapping a foot on the canvas, Tirri and Hayley shout at him to start the match already, Roberts looks towards the ramp then at his opponents and back at the ramp. Huffing and puffing with frustration he starts to make his way towards backstage.

Jeeves: Looks like Terry Roberts is leaving but the match has not even STARTED YET?!

Rainbow: He’s probably going to grab one of the tech guys to do everything, or maybe he just flat out got fed up or forgot to take his medicine.

Crowd starts to murmur with displease when Roberts goes backstage, for a few moments everyone just seem confused by just what the bloody was supposed to do now, when Terry returns pushing a wheelchair towards the ring, a white haired man sitting there, emotionless, immobile and looking pretty much comatose. Yet he was dressed to the finest suit, slacks, socks ,shoes and shirt that money can buy.

Rainbow: HOLY SHIT HE FOUND SOMEONE OLDER THAN HIM?!?

Jeeves: T-that can’t be his partner can it?

Rainbow: I’m pretty sure that man isn’t even alive, pretty macabre for CCM to agree to have a dead guy on the match, at least you won’t have to pay them I guess.

Steve “Stingray” Irvine: Well mates looks like the other half of the team is present now, talking about some serious dead weight, about that comment earlier apparently they do get older than Terry Roberts, sorry about that..

Tirri and Hayley look at each other, they seem as confused as the rest of the fans when Roberts trashtalks at them pushing the chair to his own corner, telling Thomas Harrison to ring the bell.

Harrison looks at both of the teams, then towards the announcers obviously being puzzled on just how to respond to this.

Crowd: GET ON WITH IT!

Harrison shrugs and calls for the bell. As soon as the bell rings though the man in the wheelchair springs to life, he jumps up on the apron getting into the ring with surprising speed and agility given his obviously high age at this moment.

Jeeves: Well look at that old bloke go!

Rainbow: It’s alive, ALLIVE!

Jeeeves:...

Rainbow: What? I always wanted to say that.

Roberts stands there in the corner nodding approvingly at his partner, who struts on the middle of the ring like he was the cock of the walk himself.

Hollering at the announcers Roberts seems to be enjoying it.

Roberts: That right there brother is the MAN! He is Harry “The Hammer” Stone you remember that name you whipper-snapper, snot nosed punks because he can STILL outwrestle any member of this “current generation” of “talent, BROTHER!

Stone struts his way the corner of Drink and Bounce, yelling at either one of them or both to get in the ring with him because he wouldn’t care, Hayley looks at the ranting senior citizen and figures “bollocks to this” slapping Tirri on the back before hopping down to ringside.

Jeeves: Hayley Dark obviously wants no part of Harry Stone, who seems fired up as it is.


Rainbow: Stone...stone, where have I heard that name before Jeeves?

Jeeves: Oliver Stone maybe?

Rainbow: That’s not it, his movies are shit anyway?

Jeeves: Emma Stone?

Rainbow: She’s a kid!

Jeeves: Joss Stone?

Rainbow: That’s one ugly cow and I think she’s out of her bloody mind!

Tirri has enough of Stone’s verbal abuse he steps above the ropes telling the old man to give it his best shot and without even blinking Harry chops the ever loving hell out of Tirri’s chest!

Don frowns, chops back at Stone who returns the favor with another vicious chop to the chest.

Jeeves: Devastating chops from both men, this is turning out to be a test of strength beyond comparison.

Rainbow: Really? Because all I see is two bloke slapping each other on the tits, if they were girls this would at least be hot..I guess.

Stone just flips out, starting to land knife-edge chops on Tirri, one after another.

Chop!!!

Crowd: Woo!

Chop!!!

Crowd: Woo!

Chop!!!

Crowd: Woo!

Jeeves: What the hell is going on these people are yelling like a bunch of loonies for no reason!

Rainbow: Sounds like they are having fun though.

Stone smiles, he is feeling it landing that chop one more time.

Chop!!!

Crowd: Woo!

Tirri grab his chest in pain while Stone just flips out completely the old man is already red in the face, ripping off his jacket, dropping it down on the canvas, dropping an elbow on it, bouncing back up, dropping a knee on it and bouncing back up dropping head first at the jacket, before getting back up again with a yell.

Jeeves: This old chap has to be bloody out of his mind look at him go!

Rainbow: I am pretty sure he killed that poor defenseless jacket!! OH THE HUMANITY!

Jeeves: it’s a jacket..

Rainbow: ..fine. OH THE TEXTILITY!

Jeeves:...

Roberts claps in approval as Tirri makes his way at Harry, the two men lock up in a test of strength. Both of them lock up and Tirri is shoving Stone backwards, those fancy italian shoes don’t have as much of a grip as one would like to think apparently because Harry is slipping his way towards the corner, where to the surprise of everyone Terry Roberts actually slaps Harry on the back therefore tagging himself in.

Jeeves: Would you believe that?!

Rainbow: I know right?! The old goat actually TAGS IN for once!

Jeeves: I actually meant the surprising strength of Don Tirri

Rainbow: Oh yeah because it takes a lot of power to push around a old guy twice your age and two heads shorter in size..

Without wasting any time Roberts blasts Tirri with a vicious right hand in the face, dropping the foul mouth Finn on the canvas.

Jeeves: Devastating knockout punch from Terry Roberts there! He is setting up some punishment here, Don Tirri is in trouble now!

Rainbow: Maybe he just slipped? He is drunk as usual!

Roberts starts to stomp down on Tirri, without mercy while the drunkard tries to make his way to their own corner, where Hailey Dark is bouncing up and down like a maniac trying to rally up the fans to cheer Tirri on.

Jeeves: Say what you want about either of them as individuals but ever since forming the team both members of Drink&Bounce have stepped up and are actually working well together, despite being surprisingly different.

Rainbow: Oh I love Drinky&Bouncy they are epic and awesome and kinda cute, and they sound like any part of the seven dwarfs!

Jeeves: I think they prefer the term little people.

Rainbow: I don’t care, they are not real, I call dwarf a dwarf, if we give up on this little people nonsense they will get tired of it too and then what’s next vertically challenged? No Jeeves a dwarf is a dwarf is a dwarf!

Jeeves: But the story already has seven dwarfs and none of them are called Drinky or Bouncy?

Rainbow: So we get rid of two dwarfs like Grouchy, he’s a cunt anyway and Dopey too!

Jeeves: Besides Don Tirri is hardly someone you could call a dwarf anyway.

Rainbow: You know you are right, you are absolutely right Jeeves.

Jeeves: Thank heavens you came to your senses--

Rainbow: He’s like two dwarfs so we can get rid of a third one, I vote for Sleepy that bugger never does anything worthwhile anyway!

Tirri rolls his way to the corner, Hayley reaches out to slap a tag on before Roberts gets a chance to tug Tirri away the green haired bouncer takes flight sending a drop kick towards the chest of Roberts, knocking him backwards. Wobbling back and forth and just when Roberts was about to topple down on his arse Harry shoves him from behind sending the aged brawler towards his opponent. Hayley puts up her dukes throwing some mock punches before throwing a vicious kick to the hip, we hear Roberts yell in pain whereas his partner is slapping on the corner post yelling at Terry to just tag him back in.

Roberts points at Hayley murmuring something along the lines of “You are gonna get it now bitch!” Hayley flips him the bird, heading towards her corner, climbing up to the turnbuckle to rile the fans up, Harry gets tagged in, he stomps his way towards Hayley tell her to get the hell down from that turnbuckle right this instant! Hayley shrugs and jumps down going at Stone who stops her mid air with a powerful Polish hammer, dropping down get the pin, Don Tirri is yelling at Hayley to kick out but the poor girl could not seem to get it done and when Thomas Harrison drops to position both Tirri and Terry head to stop each other.

Harrison starts to count.

1!

2!!

3!!!

When Harrison gets up calling the bell Roberts moves in to stand between Tirri and his partner, Harry gets up and lets out a loud yell of his own, Harrison attempts to raise Stone’s hand in victory but Roberts slaps it away and holds up Harry’s hand himself.

Steve “Stingray” Irvine: And looks like the old timers take this one home, Croikie I haven’t seen that much old man skin sins the day our local nursing home sent those poor bastards to the beach, not a pretty sight! So by pinfall the winners of this match Terry “Old School” Roberts and Harry “The Hammer” Stone known as...what are you two geezers called?

Terry: THE
Harry: Team!

Steve”Stingray” Irvine: ..The TEAM? really? Well guess back in your day they didn’t have imagination either.

Jeeves: Well isn’t this just..

Rainbow: A CROCK OF SHITE!

Jeeves: Well they won the match fair at least.

Rainbow: That’s still horseshit almost as stupid as that name of theirs THE TEAM, really?

Jeeves: I think it’s simple.

Rainbow: I think YOU are simple Jeeves.

Jeeves:...

We move on with the show as THE Team celebrates their way walking towards backstage and Tirri helps Hayley up in the ring.


SEGMENT: Hail Queen Cara!

I GOT THE MAGIC IN ME!”

“Magic” starts to play over the PA in the arena and the crowd pops as...no one in particular comes out? The crowd keeps cheering anyway in anticipation of the new British Empire Champion’s entrance. Some time passes and by the time we’re in the verse out walks Cara’s valet and boyfriend, Anders Stark. He’s dressed in a BAW t-shrt and jeans and the fans cheer for him as he waves at them, smiling before sliding under the bottom rope and into the ring, still with no sign of Cara. He asks for a mic from ringside and then motions for the music to cut out, which it does.

Anders: How is everyone doing tonight?!

The crowd cheers in response.

Rainbow: HI CUTIE! I’M GREAT!

Jeeves: What about Jamal?

Rainbow: Huh? NOOO... JAMAL I DIDN’T MEAN IT BABY!!! YOU ARE FINE TOO!

Jeeves: ... *sighs*

Anders: Sweet deal. You know, this is sort of cool, on the mic, all by myself. Feels like I used to do this all the time in another life or something. Weird, anyway...so don’t worry everyone. Cara your new, reigning BRITISH EMPIRE CHAMPION!!!!11!!!!1!!...is definitely here tonight. She did not send me on my own to celebrate for her. That would be ridiculous. However, she felt she deserved an entrance that was a bit more special than usual tonight, so I have the pleasure of introducing her. So...without further ado...your British Empire Champion!!!.... HURRICANE CARA STONE!

The crowd cheers as … “God Save the Queen” hits the PA???!!! Yup. That’s happening. But it’s not some stuck-up version of the British national anthem. No. It’s God Save the Queen on the electric guitar!! Some of the crowd starts singing along with the lyrics as the song plays and then some sparkler pyro (which really just amounts to really big regular sparkers on BAW’s budget) start going off in the entrance way and out walks Cara Stone, wrapped in a royal purple cloak and wearing the crown from her Asylum 6 Youtube promo on top of her head. The crowd cheers as she walks out and spins around in her royal attire....and then

*record scratch*

God Save the Queen suddenly turns into “We are the Champions” by Queen and Cara throws off her cloak dramatically to reveal her Union Jack patterned two-piece wrestling gear. The British Empire Championship is wrapped around her waist and displayed proudly as she starts jumping up and down and slapping hands with fans as she comes down the entrance ramp. Anders is applauding in the ring as the Queen sports anthem continues to play. Cara rolls under the bottom rope and jumps up on the turnbuckle, raising her arms to a big pop from the local crowd. Cara smiles and jumps down as the music cuts out and she grabs the mic from Anders.

Jeeves: ...This is not over the top. Not at all.

Rainbow: YAY CARA!!!

Cara: I DID IT!! WE DID IT! I am the British Empire Champion, in case you hadn’t heard. I beat not one, not two, but THREE of BAW’s best and I became the first world champion of BAW. I’ve dreamed of this day for a long time. A lot of people told me that I would never make it. A lot of people said that I would die alone in the gutter high on crack cocaine and selling myself for drug money..

Anders: Wait, what? Nobody ever said that--

Cara: QUIET ANDERS! THIS IS MY TIME! Anyway, like I was saying, a lot of people told me I would never make it, but here I am, your world champion. And let me tell you, it’s an amazing feeling. I’m not gonna lie, there are times when I was training, when I was still wrestling for fifty bucks a night for twenty people in the Bronx. Now...I wrestle for more than that...though legally I can’t say how much more because CCM told me something about labor laws in Britain or something like that...and I’m in the main event! I’m the franchise player! I am the Queen of the Asylum and the people’s champion! WOOO!!!!

Cara reaches down and unstraps the belt from her waist and holds it up to the crowd who cheer wildly.

Cara: I want to thank all of you who have supported me throughout my time in BAW and I want to tell you that things are just getting started. Whoever I defend this belt against next, whether it be a jerkface bizzatch like Mika Demidov or MIIIIISSSSSTTTTEEEERRRR SHOOOOOOWWWWWTTTTIIIIMMME himself, I promise that I’m going to put you through the fight of your life. In the case of Mika, I will carry your sorry Russian ass to a five star match JUST so I can give these fans what they deserve! They deserve the best! Because BAW fans are passionate, wild, insane and I love them. So I promise that during my time as British Empire Champion, you are only going to get the best from me. Guaran-damn-teed.

Anders applauds next to his fiance, smiling the whole while. Cara grins back at him and shares a look before turning back to the audience.

Cara: And I want to thank my awesomesauce boyfriend and future husband Anders Stark, who--

Anders grabs the mic from Cara and speaks into it while she’s still holding on with one hand and trying to pull it back.

Anders: Who stood by you while you were parading oiled up beefcake around the ring and making suggestive jokes about them, and even managed to overcome and prove his worth to you by becoming your beloved valet.

Cara finally tugs the mic back as Anders finishes. He looks at Cara as if to say “what? what I do?”

Cara: ..Yes, who stood by me through all my trial and tribulations to see me realize my dreams and become the main event player I always knew I could be. Thank you.

Suddenly, Cara pulls Anders towards her by the shirt and kisses him in the middle of the ring. The women in the crowd make oooooos and aawwwwws as they suck face for a few seconds. Anders is grinning like an idiot when Cara lets go. She lets him stand there while turning back to the fans.

Cara: So I want everyone in the entire BAW roster put on notice now. I finally made it to the top and I have no intentions of coming back down anytime soon. So whether you’re Mika, Showtime, Terry Roberts, Hayley Dark, Twisted Path, Rudo Galactica, Gaston Gillet, Lucas Peek, Don Tirri, Hayley Dark or hell, even my own sister and her tag partners in Combat Rawk. If you’re coming for the top spot, you have to go through me and you better WATCH OUT if you do, because I’m Hurricane Cara Stone and I got the MAGIC, BABY!!!

“Magic” hits the PA and Cara gives the mic to ringside before taking her title and climbing up the turnbuckle, holding the belt up to the fans as they cheer her. Eventually, she rolls out of the ring and slaps fans’ hands as she heads to the back.

Rainbow: That was awesome! Cara is sooooooo cool!

Jeeves: I haven’t been this proud of being British since the coronation of Queen Elizabeth II, we had Lizzy and now, We have Cara..We have a proud Briton to rule over us as our rightful and lawful queen we have--

Rainbow: We have MAGIC get on with it Jeeves!
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Steve ”Stingray” Irvine: Oy you lot! Alright we’re gonna have ourselves a regular match yeah? It’s scheduled for just about one fall.

"Step Up" begins to play over the PA system as the live crowd goes into a frenzy. A huge spotlight flashes through the crowd on all sides of the ring until it spots Mr. Showtime standing with his arms outstretched on one of the stairwells leading down to the front row. The fans immediately mark out as he makes his way through the fans, greeting several as he hops the barricade and climbs into the ring, loosening up and applauding the fans whom are so richly cheering him.

Stingray: From Neath in the South of Wales... This is the one and only... MMMMMMMMIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSTTTTEEERRRR

SSSHHHHHOOOOWWWWTTTTIIIIIMMMMMMEEEEE! And his opponent oy? Well...!

The flute introduction of "Animal" plays through the sound system, as Leona comes out. She looks over the booing crowd, as her manager Mikaela Demidov comes right behind her, patting her on the shoulder. Leona then treks down the entrance ramp, soaking in the crowd's boos, until she reaches the midway point. She then sprints and hops onto the ring apron, and in the same impact, she hops over the top rope, landing in a three-point stance inside the ring. She climbs the nearest turnbuckle and taunts the crowd, roaring at them, before jumping back down.

Stingray: Ay you lot! This woman right here is quite the Lioness just so you know! Joined by Mikaela Demidov, this is the one and only... THE LIONESS... LLLEEEOOOONNNAAA VVVEEEGGGAAAA!

Thomas Harrison motions for the bell to ring as the two wrestlers begin to square off, looking each other up and down. Showtime’s face is one of a relaxed air as he motions to the crowd and begins to pump them up! Leona’s face is a grimace as Mika begins to yell at her and motion her to actually get this done. Leona lets out a slight sigh as the two of them lock up before Leona does an arm twist and arm hold before she turns it into an arm drag and tosses Showtime to sit on his rear on the middle of the mat before Leona leaps and hits him in the back of his head with a low dropkick. She immediately grabs him by the hair and presses him into the mat before leaping for a standing leg drop across the throat. Then another!

Jeeves: Miss Leona is fighting on all cylinders tonight and I commend her dedication!

Rainbow: Dedication-Schmedication Jeeves. Mister Showtime gets the crowd into every single match he’s in! Look at that woman swinging her thong... That she... Just took off.

Jeeves: Oh my.

Rainbow: Well at least she’s a looker. I think she and I shop at the same place for underwear too. I think I have that in a different color.

Leona goes for a third drop of her leg across Showtime’s throat but Showtime moves his head and escapes the attack with a wily grin before he gets himself up and stands over Vega. He waves happily at Mika who’s face turns into fury as Leona gets a german suplex for her trouble that causes her to stand up and then slump into the corner. Showtime yells out wildly and immediately takes the run towards her and executes a running spear! He grabs the middle ropes and sinks his shoulder into Vega’s stomach again and again and again! He takes a short around and leaps for her but hits nothing as Vega rolls out of the way and tries to get a roll up on him!

ONE!

TW-KICKOUT!

Rainbow: Look at how Showtime masterfully executes every single move with skill, with talent, with just... Just... So much moxie.

Jeeves: Miss Rainbow I wasn’t even aware people use the word ‘moxie’ anymore.

Rainbow: They use ‘moxie’ if I say they use ‘moxie’ Jeeves!

Jeeves: Showtime kicks out and now he’s back on the attack anyway!

Showtime goes for a double leg takedown but Vega makes a short hop over him before grabbing him by the legs while doing a frontflip to sit herself on his shoulders before she hits him with a frankensteiner that sends Showtime coiled up in the ropes. Leona points at the crowd as they boo her then leaps for a leapfrog body guillotine that hangs on Showtime for a moment before she hops off of him. Vega grabs him by the waist and pulls, trying to roll him up again but this time Showtime rolls into it with her and now rolls HER up!

ONE!

TWO!

KICKOUT!

Showtime lets go and the tiniest smirk plays up on his face before he quickly gets up and begins to walk around like a giant, kicking out his legs in front of him. He motions for the crowd to throw their support to him, to feed him their energy as he begins to go wild inside the ring and beats on his chest which only gets a louder pop from the crowd as he points to them and reaches down to grab Leona by the hair! He forces her right up but she shoves him off, twists him around and hits him with a backstabber as the crowd boos and Showtime drops on his back, arching in pain!

Rainbow: By the Queen, it was Leona Vega, in the ring, with the backstabber!

Jeeves: Miss Rainbow I once played a game of Clue that lasted ten hours.

Rainbow: How did you and your friends play that long?

Jeeves: Oh it was a game of Clue Solitaire. You should try it sometime Miss Rainbow. Vega is slowly dragging herself over to Showtime to pin him after that one.

Leona throws an arm over Showtime as the ref begins to count after sliding into place and slapping on the mat.

ONE!

TWO!

THREE?

KICKOUT ERMAGAWD!

Showtime kicks out and kips up and looks at the ropes before he takes a run and executes a springboard moonsault but Leona seems to think she has him as she plays possum and rolls out of the way! It’s Mister Showtime who has here though as he lands on her feet and right in front of her! Leona gets up just in time to eat a codebreaker to the face!

Jeeves: Not in the face! Not in the face!

Rainbow: Right in the kisser! RIGHT IN THE KISSER! NOW GET MIKA TOO!

Jeeves: Miss Rainbow, she’s not even in the match! Don’t be such a pillock!

Rainbows: How dare you call me such horrible names, Jeeves! I ought to talk to our beloved boss to get your pay docked or something. Maybe even get you to take some sensitivity training classes.

Jeeves: I’m as sensitive as they come, Miss Rainbow.

Rainbow: ....Nah. Too easy. Just... Way too easy.

This time It’s Showtime who makes his way over to Leona and throws himself on top of her as the ref slides in once more to count the three.

ONE!

TWO!

THREE?

NO! KICKOUT!

The crowd explodes into a tumult of confusion as Showtime rolls over on his back and forces a dazed and confused Leona up to probably knock her back down on her rear. However Vega, whether it’s just instinct or what gets a front facelock on Mister Showtime and irish-whips him. When he returns she uses his own momentum against him to twist him around her so he lands before she starts twisting and spinning and turning around him in a rapid, fluid motion before finally planting him head first into the mat... Both wrestlers are down!

Jeeves: I do not know where Miss Vega got the energy for that last attack, maybe out of desperation but both she and this young fop Showtime are down!

Rainbow: Fop?! FOP!? How dare you call Mister Showtime a fop Jeeves! Anyway, Yes they’re both down and who knows who will get to their feet first! Leona is still recovering from that knee facebreaker but Showtime just took a DDT to the skull! He got spiked! Like a Super Smash Brothers down-A attack!

Jeeves: Miss Rainbow, have you been playing the Wii in the break room all night again?

Rainbow: I will beat CCM’s win record, Jeeves! I WILL!

Showtime gradually gets up and being the charismatic Hall of Famer that he is he motions for the crowd to get ready for..

Jeeves: Mr Showtime is setting the good folks up.


Rainbow Show Stealer, Go Show Go!

Yanking his opponent up Showtime executes a damn near perfect Playmaker, sending Lena down to the mat while Mika Demidov is screaming her head off outside.

Jeeves: Look at the anger of Mika! Showtime may end it all here!


Rainbow: She’s screaming like a Banshee Bolshevik after her first Bumrape, I think I’ll record that as my new ringtone, so I can hear it again and again and--

Thomas Harrison is on the same page as Showtime, he drops down for the count..

1!

2!!

3!!!

Jeeves: He did it Leona Vega put up one hell of a fight but the experience of Showtime carried him to the win here this time.

Rainbow: ...and his charisma.

Jeeves: I am sure if Leona gets another chance against Mr. Showtime she could--

Rainbow: ..and talent.

Jeeves: Be that as it may but I think Leona Vega might be one of the brightest stars in the future of this..

Rainbow:..and ability..

Jeeves: Will you stop!

Rainbow: Can’t help it, Show makes my praises A go-go!

Steve “Stingray” Irvine: Winner of this blue! Your Charismatic Chum and Mine he is MMMMMMMMIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSTTTTEEERRRR SSSHHHHHOOOOWWWWTTTTIIIIIMMMMMMEEEEE!

We move on with the show as Showtime gets his hand raised by Harrison and Mika takes her frustration out on the fans at ringside.


SEGMENT: Red Rage

We head backstage, where Giles Nigel has been lucky (or perhaps unlucky) enough to corner a rather angry looking Mika Demidov.

Giles: MIKA! If I could have a few moments please.

Mika stops dead in her tracks and takes in a DEEP breath before turning to Giles.

Mika: What... do you want?

Giles: Well, it’s fair to say this has been a bad couple of weeks for the pair of you & Leona. Neither of you were able to win the British Empire Championship, and both of you have suffered defeats tonight, yours being particularly embarrassing to a green rookie in the shape of Brittany Williams. What are your thoughts on these events?

Mika: What are you calling embarrassing, you... low-level petty little... reporter?! I embarrassed her! I had the last word!

Mika is pretty much growling with rage as she just stares knives and swords into Giles.

Giles: Be that as it may, you still lost your cool, and as a result, lost to a rookie. Don’t you think this kind of unprofessional behaviour, unbecoming of a veteran such as yourself, will likely damage your chances of getting back in title contention?

For a second, Mika smiles.

Mika: I’ll show you what’s going to get damaged...

And then, out of pure anger, she pushes Giles against the wall with violence, screaming into his face.

Mika: I DON’T GIVE A DAMN ANYMORE, YOU KNOW WHY?! BECAUSE THERE’LL ALWAYS BE ASSHOLES LIKE YOU TO MAKE RETARDED QUESTIONS THAT NO-DAMN-BODY CARES TO KNOW THE ANSWER! AAARGH!

And then the Red Star goes into a blind rage fit as she just kicks and throws everything at sight, trashing equipment and even kicking a poor, helpless stagehand that was just walking around to the nuts.

Mika: OUT OF MY WAY, GODDAMNIT!!!

And she storms off just like that.

Giles: Um... back to ringside?


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Steve ”Stingray” Irvine: Oy you lot! Settle down, settle down it’s time for this Falls Count Anywhere Tornado Tag Team Match... Introducing first...!

As "For Your Entertainment" begins to play over the PA system... Uhm... Kristopher Wright is nowhere to be found. La Marseillaise hits the PA, or rather sneaks on quietly before going somewhat batshit. Yet... There’s no Gaston Gillet.

Stingray: Uhm... It’s supposed to be me announcing those two guys, me mates KRISTOPHER WRIGHT and GASTON GILLET! Y’know... The fancy, “Diamond In The Buff” and the “Marseilles Masterpiece”!? Alright settle down you lot uh... Introducing their opponents!

The lights just go out immediately, as “Chicken Huntin” by Insane Clown Posse plays. There’s no sighting of Lucas Peek, even with the crowd all warmed up to boo the absolute piss out of him. The crunching riffs of "Kill Streak" by Brand X Music hit the PA and there’s not a Rudo in sight.

Stingray: Uhm... I do believe there’s a LUCAS PEEK and METEORA to be around here somewhere yeah!? Anywhere! Does anyone know where the two teams are!? Does anyone at all...?

Jeeves: ...So we have no clue where either team could have gone to, Miss Rainbow?

Rainbow: Jeez, Jeeves. I dunno man. I’m not... Y’know, psychic. You’re so needy sometimes Jeeves, I swear.

Jeeves: I’ll have you know I am very bare bones. I only need water and a little air to make due with my predicaments.

Rainbow: So you’re a plant now, Jeeves. A common piece of bush?

Jeeves: It’s the science of things, Miss Rainbow.

Just then tumbling out of the entranceway are all four of the wrestlers in question as they are wildly putting the screws to each other! Lucas and Gaston are throwing left hands and right hands at each other and the Frenchman headbutts Peek in the mouth and sends him tumbling away. In the meantime you’ve got Meteora and Wright going at each other with kicks. A side kick from Wright, and a back kick from Meteora as the two teams go neck and neck and the ref... Well the ref motions to ring the bell anyway even if they’re still at the entrance way! It’s at this time that Wright DDTs Meteora on the cold ground and goes for a pin!

ONE!

DRAGOFF!

...Wait, Dragoff? What happened to kickout?

Rainbow: Gaston stopped what he was doing, pushed Lucas Peek away and dragged his partner off of Meteora! Kinda hard-bodied tactics here Jeeves.

Jeeves: Well I’m sure Wright would enjoy you calling his tactics ‘hard-bodied’, especially with Gaston around... If only Christelle had come out with him tonight.

Rainbow: Oh Jeeves, don’t be such a woman.

Jeeves: Someone has to be Miss Rainbow. Oh bollocks. I’m not sure if that was even an insult to myself or you.

Wright asks Gaston why the jerking off and shouldn’t they at least keep some foreplay. Gaston explains to his partner with a growing frustration that he’s going to pin Meteora and that this was part of the plan! Wright reminds him that they agreed as long as Meteora or Peek didn’t leave with the belt they’d be good! The two men continue to argue, or at least what can only count as arguing with Gaston trying to explain in a thick French accent and Kristopher Wright rubbing a finger on Gaston’s abs in between sentences. At this time, both Peek and Meteora have gotten up... Both take cheap shots on the heads of their opponents then get the hell out of dodge!

Jeeves: Now that Miss Rainbow is what you call a tactical retreat. The ref and our cameras are following Meteora and Peek to the back as Wright and Gaston give chase!

Rainbow: Tactical nothing Jeeves! My One True Pairing better not walk out without that belt from that Mexican whore’s waist!

Jeeves: Your... One True Pairing, Miss Rainbow?

Rainbow: I am a Kristopher Wright/Gaston Gillet shipper, Jeeves.

Indeed Gillet and Wright give chase to the back where... Nooo! Peek and Meteora rip the curtains down from the corridor and toss them over Gillet and Wright like a net or a blanket or some dastardly hellspawn between the two. With them covered in the curtains, Peek volleys himself at the two of them with a double clothesline before Meteora tells Peek to get down on one knee! When he does Meteora leaps off Peek’s crouched shoulders and dropkicks the wriggling mass that is Wright and Gillet with amazing air! She rips off the curtain and together she and Peek start stomping away before Meteora drops down to get the pin on Gillet!

ONE!

TWO!

KICKOUT!

Gaston kicks out and then it’s Peek who tries to pin Wright now!

ONE!

TWO!

KICKOUT!

Jeeves: The camera and referee are still following them wherever they go! This match started HIGHLY unusual Miss Rainbow.

Rainbow: Jeeves, this is falls count anywhere. The falls can COUNT anywhere. It’s not so hard to understand...! Peek and Meteora seem to be firmly in control after using that huge bit of curtain.

Jeeves: A more tactical team I have never seen, Miss Rainbow. Never seen at all.

Rainbow: Gaston and Kris will win Jeeves. They have sexy power.

Jeeves: I suppose one could say both men are attractive... What is it the young people say? Uh... No homo?

Rainbow: Pfft, are you out of your mind Jeeves? All the homo!

The Rudo and The Real Deal both force Wright and Gillet to their feet. They’re about to have a meeting of the minds it seems as from opposite corners near the entrance of the building Peek and Meteora attempt to irish-whip them into each other. Gillet reverses his irish-whip and Peek is sent barreling into Wright who blows a kiss at Peek! Peek screeches in his steps just long enough for Wright to scoop him up and powerslam him onto the cold concrete! While this is going on, Gaston has made his attack on Meteora and when she attempts for a hurricanrana into ground, Gaston counters it into a straight chokeslam that lays the poor luchadora out! Gaston leaps on top of her!

ONE!

TWO!

JERKOFF! (It’s Kristopher Wright breaking up this pin. What else do you expect?)

Indeed, Wright jerks Gaston right off of Meteora as he would have had the victory there in spades! Gaston now asks Wright what’s the big deal and with a frown Wright asks Gaston why doesn’t he pin him like that instead of the Rudo. The two men begin to argue back and forth with Meteora still on her back. Lucas Peek runs at the both of them from out of nowhere but in a manner of really good teamwork, the two men simply move out of the way as Lucas smashes a door down with his shoulder then rolls back inside, rubbing the back of his neck! Then the sound of an obnoxious horn is heard!

Rainbow: You have got to be fucking kidding me, Jeeves.

Jeeves: Why that looks... Very classic for a vehicle befitting a skilled luchadora!

Yes... The camera shows that in the parking lot is none other than Stardust riding... A bright purple and green Lowrider Cadillac! It pops up on its back wheels then drops down and pops up on its front wheels than bounces a little before that obnoxious horn is heard again... It actually plays the first few notes of “Lowrider” by War. This is just the sort of vehicle you’d probably see in lower Latin barios or so on. The sounds of the horn seems to reinvigorate Meteora who suddenly gets to her feet and leaves as Wright and Gillet argue. Both men stare at her as she runs to the lowrider in the parking lot and hops in the passenger side!

Jeeves: The champion just up and left with her tag team partner out of that low rider! Yes! Boom diggity! Word to your mama, Miss Rainbow. Straight up gangster tripping.

Rainbow: ...Don’t you ever do that again Jeeves. Don’t you ever do that again or it’s the bucket for you.

Jeeves: Mr. Wright is giving chase to the cadillac since it’s only going about a few miles per hour and I think Mr. Gillet is looking for his car!

Indeed Gaston is looking for his car, patting himself down for his keys as both he and Wright have completely forgotten they are still in a match with the woman who has the title they want taking her leave and getting the hell out of here!

...

Unfortunately that leaves Gaston by himself as Lucas Peek taps him on the shoulder to get his attention, waves a hand in front of his face... And hit’s a Fireman’s Carry Takeover onto Gaston on the cold, hard, unforgiving pavement! He throws his body over Gaston’s and hooks the leg just as Wright realizes what’s going on and tries to run back to his partner!

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

The ref tries to raise Lucas’s hand but he runs away back inside the venue just as Wright gives chase! Wright kneels down over his beloved Gaston and cuddles the poor, possibly emotionally scarred Frenchman to his breast while nuzzling him in a... Losing effort cooldown hug, one that Gaston probably isn’t aware he’s being given right now after that slam on the concrete... Back in the arena...

Stingray: Uh... Right! you blokes know what the hell we just witnessed?! NO? Alright well your winners are LUCAS PEEK and METEORA! ...And Stardusts’ brand new lowrider?

Rainbow: ...Leave it to someone as unclassy as a Rudo to own a lowrider.

Jeeves: I find they have a certain class all their own.

Rainbow: No one cares what you find, Jeeves! This is horrible! Someone get that belt off that insane masked freak!

We cut backstage after this large assortment of chaos...
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SEGMENT: Rhetorical Questions

We head backstage where CCM is sipping on a beer. Like all good people do in schools.

CCM: Ha! So she got away with the title after all. Wonders will never cease. But that may well change in two weeks, mightn’t it?

He chuckles.

CCM: Still, we have our main event coming up for the UK Tag Team Championships! And while it will no doubt be epic, I have no desire to see this match again after tonight. So we will need a new contender for the belts, won’t we?

Yep. He likes rhetorical questions, doesn’t he? ...Ahem.

CCM: So next week, we will see The Team & Drink & Bounce face off one more time. And for shits and giggles, and primarily because Mika scaring the bejeebus out of Giles amused me, I’m throwing Mika Demidov & Leona Vega in there too! And the winner of this match will be the new number one contenders for the titles. Good idea, don’t you think?

Yeah, there’s another one.

CCM: We’ll also see, in the main event, the new British Empire Champion in action! And she will go one on one against a man she has faced before, but never pinned! That will be MIIIISSSTEEEERRRR SHHHOOOOOWWWWTTTIIIIMMMEEEE! And this match, dependant on the result, will have CHAMPIONSHIP IMPLICATIONS! Anyway, enjoy the main event. But you obviously will. Am I right?

One more to close, and back to ringside!


Posted Image

Steve ”Stingray” Irvine: Alright mates, time for our main event it is! Get that shrimp off the barbie, because it won’t get any better than this tonight! Welcome to a match for Uk Tag team Championships of the WOOOOOOOOOOOORLD~

All of a sudden, “Falling Apart” by Zebrahead plays as Traci Loveheart and Victoria Summers just come to the ring with a chorus of boos. Traci just laughs at them all as Victoria just tells them to “shut up”!

Steve “Stingray” Irvine: Well remember when I said it won’t get any better? It just got a whole bunch worse it did! Crokie I hope you folks won’t have to smell what I’m smelling it’s Traci and Victoria the pride of Baltimore Maryland and scourge of the rest of the world, when you think about it I am sure David Simon and his shows would be more of something to be proud of or the superbowl championship or...

Crowd: GET ON WITH IT!

Steve “Stingray” Irvine: Alrite, here be the Twisted Path! Sheesh, cut me some slack, coming up with this stuff isn’t that easy. I don’t get no fancy creative writers coming up with my lines because those are too “expensive” so it’s all my own stuff damn it!

Rainbow: Wow, Stingy in a foul mood tonight..

Jeeves: Maybe a dingo ate his baby?

Rainbow: Jeeves!

Jeeves: or his lunch?

Rainbow: Silly Jeeves, Australian’s don’t eat their babies for lunch, they eat people food.

They both get into the ring and they both get on opposite corners of the ring and raises their arms in the air, watching approval but all they get is boos.

Jeeves: Twisted Path looking to capture a win over the UK Tag team Champions right here in the palace of BAW our home, our sanctuary our..well I suppose you could call it our Vatican City.

Rainbow: Well unless you are not catholic you wouldn’t besides I am sure that even you were that would not be the case, since that would make CCM the pope!

Jeeves: His Holyness Sir Millar the first!

Rainbow: Trying to make sure he keeps on paying you that outlandish wage of yours?

Jeeves: I have a lifestyle to pay..

A live version of “Monster Hospital” by Metric begins to rip through the arena. A bunch of silver sparkles begin to rain down in front of the entranceway as slowly the entire team begins to rise from under the ground, playing their prospective instruments. Christa is clutching tightly on her mic as she belts out the lyrics, Raquel and Steph are both ripping chords from their guitars and Mickey is beating on her drums like a madwoman. As the platform finishes rising just above the entranceway, all four of the women slowly stop their playing and singing as an instrumental version of “Monster Hospital” takes over.

Steve “Stingray” Irvine: Like the saying goes it is always darkest before the dawn, well out of the darkness comes a true ray of sunshine in the form of UK Tag Team Champions: Ladies and Gents please welcome home your favorite rawkers and mine, the biggest band since Men At Work..it is Combat Rawk!

Rainbow: Since what?!


Jeeves: Men at Work, you haven’t heard it? They are smashing, got that big hit “Down Under” couple of years ago..

Rainbow: When was that, in the dark ages?

Jeeves: 1980’s I think, a very catchy tune too!

Rainbow: Oh will you stop it with the old timey references grandpa!

Jeeves: That’s SIR Grandpa to you, you little hussy!

Rainbow: Oh shut it! Besides how come Stingray can be racist and I can’t?

Jeeves: What on earth would you mean?

Rainbow: He threw all those “Darks” out there, wouldn’t that offend Christa?!

Jeeves: I don’t think he was talking about her but Twisted Path..

Rainbow: Yeah right, those bitches aren’t black at all!


All four women walk to the ring, side by side and clad in their ring-gear but stop just before any of them get into the actual ring. They all turn to each other and play a game of rock-paper-scissors to decide who will be getting in the ring tonight. Once it’s decided, the winner or sometimes winners slide in the ring and bounce up and down on the balls of their toes ready for the match.

Rainbow: House that RAWK built! These girls got more fans than most of the rockstars these days and they don’t do any playback, autotune or other fancy showbiz voodoo trickery

Jeeves: Voodoo? Really? Sounds scary?

Rainbow: Trust me Christa has some skills da black people they know magic!

Jeeves: That’s...quite racist of you Miss Rainbow.

Rainbow: Nu-uh when it’s true it’s not racist at all!

Jeeves: Oh yeah? Well name one black person who knows magic then?

Rainbow: Why our esteemed British Emprie Champion “Hurricane” Cara Stone

Jeeves: but she doesn’t--

Rainbow: She has MAGIC in her, she must know it!

Jeeves: That’s not what it me--

Rainbow: Shut it Jeeves! Or I’ll ask Christa to put a spell on you!

The teams decide that Mickey and Victoria will start the match for their teams. Mickey and Victoria begin shifting forces as they lock up. Mickey gets the upper hand and brings Victoria down hard with a scoop slam. Predicting that Victoria will try to weasel out early, Mickey quickly walks around Vickie and blocks her way up to where Traci is. Mickey waits for Victoria to get to her feet by herself, and again they measure forces. This time, though, Victoria is a bit smarter as she puts Mickey in a headlock as fast as she possibly can. Mickey slowly but surely fights out, but Victoria kicks her in the stomach, runs against the ropes and unleashes a big boot to Mickey's chest. With Victoria now in control, the blonde deliver a sequence of knee drops to Mickey's body, followed by a jumping knee drop. She raises Mickey to her feet and then whips her into the ropes. As Mickey bounces back, Vickie attacks with a clothesline... but Mickey dodges, runs into the opposite ropes and leaps into Victoria for a shoulder block! After that, she covers.

ONE!

Kickout!

Mickey shakes her head negatively and tracks back to her corner, tagging Christa in. Christa immediately twists Victoria's arm as she brings the blonde up to her feet, but Victoria hits her with several elbows to the chest, forcing her to let go. They then initiate a punching back and forth as Vickie turns around. Christa builds the advantage with one slap, 2 slaps, 3 slaps, BACK KICK TO THE CHEST! Christa then runs to the ropes, and as she bounces, she jumps into Victoria attempting a jumping clothesline, but Victoria plants her feet and brings Christa down with a surprise DDT! Victoria covers!

ONE!

TWO!

Kickout!

Jeeves: Great resistance from Victoria there, and she smashed her down and gets a near fall!

Rainbow: Near fall? No-one gets pinfalls off a DDT these days.

Jeeves: Terry Roberts does!

Rainbow: Must be those big pythons that does it maybe? Either way, Victoria is no Terry Roberts.

Jeeves: Not like you to compliment Terry.

Rainbow: I’m not. I’m saying Victoria is even worse than a geriatric loser who can’t move.

Jeeves: You know THE Team won tonight, right?

Rainbow: .......Shut up Jeeves!

Victoria growls as she rolls closer to the strings so to get up quickly, while Christa takes shelter in one of the corners. Victoria runs against Christa, but is met with a piston kick as Christa holds the second rope and brings herself up in record fashion. After that, Christa climbs to the second rope, waits for Victoria to come at her and... MISSILE DROPKICK! Christa covers!

ONE!

TWO!

Kickout!

Rainbow: There we go! Combat Rawk taking control, and this place is totally RAWKIN’!

Jeeves: You know, one wouldn’t think Christa had the aerodynamics to perform such high flying moves.

Rainbow: The aero-what now? Are you saying she shouldn’t fly because she has junk in the trunk?

Jeeves: Well... her’s is not a luchadore’s physique, if you get what I’m saying.

Rainbow: ARE YOU CALLING HER FAT?!

Jeeves: NO, I--

Rainbow: CHRISTA! JEEVES JUST CALLED YOU FAT!!!

Jeeves: ...........

Christa takes Victoria up to her corner makes the tag with Mickey again, but Victoria smartly pushes Christa back to avoid a double team move. She is, though, met with the new legal woman Mickey's elbows to the face. Mickey then winds up and throws a backhand slap, but Victoria stoops and as Mickey spins, she accidentally hits Christa! This is the opening Victoria sees to jump back to her corner and tag Traci in... NOPE. As Mickey and Christa yell at one another for a bit, who stops Victoria from reaching her corner is Raquel, who suddenly bursts into the ring and brings Summers down with a senton. Raquel lifts Victoria to her feet and yells at Mickey, who snaps back into the match and helps Raquel throwing Victoria hiiigh in the air... And the two just watch as Victoria crashes into the mat, Wile E. Coyote style.

Jeeves: DEVASTATING landing by Victoria on the canvas!

Rainbow: Right on her ugly ass face yo!

Jeeves: What?!

Rainbow: Because her face, it look like ass yo, you feeling me J-Dog?

Jeeves: Please cease and desist whatever gibberish you are spewing Miss Rainbow, you are scaring me.

Rainbow: Look dawg, you don’t come to my hood around the mean streets of Yorkshire and throw such insults of my homies or you get a cap in yo bitch ass!

Jeeves: I thought you were scottish, since when are you from Yorkshire?!

Rainbow: One love nigga, one love. BAW maniacs, they be my people.

Jeeves: This is not funny anymore Miss Rainbow, stop it.

Rainbow: Funny? What funny about it son?! Shit get real soon if you don’t stop dissing me like this!

Jeeves: I am done talking to you.

Rainbow: Shut your face FOOL!

Mickey then brings Victoria back to her feet and lifts her in what seems to be the beginning of a flapjack... But Victoria shifts her weight backwards and brings Mickey down, scoring a gutbuster, and now both women are down. Both wrestlers crawl to their corners, and they make the tag -- Victoria to Traci, and Mickey to... Raquel?

Jeeves: Combat Rawk changing things up Raquel Fair against Traci Loveheart oh it’s ON like DONKEY KONG now!

Rainbow: What about Diddy?

Jeeves: Who? P Diddy?

Rainbow: Not P Diddy, Diddy Kong! YOU DOLT!

Jeeves: I thought you were still in your ghetto-mode Miss Rainbow.

Rainbow: Naw dog, I’m just messing with u.

Jeeves:...

Rainbow: Kidding I WAS KIDDING JEEVES!

Jeeves: I knew it all along.

Rainbow: Like fuck you did, you were about to shit yourself.

Jeeves: What did you say?

Rainbow: I said that you were..oh I guess you just aren’t hearing me too good in your old age are ya Jeeves?

Jeeves: I hear just fine.

Rainbow: What?!

Jeeeves:..fuck you Miss Rainbow.

Rainbow: w-w-what?!

Jeeves: Staright up gangsta trippin’! I am the Pimp of Blackpool!

Raquel rushes into Traci, but she is greeted with a springboard crossbody. Traci then brings Raquel to her feet and uses the blonde's own hand to SLAP Christa across the head, and the referee has to give Combat Rawk the tag.

As Christa looks at Traci with murder intentions, Raquel hits Traci with a stiff uppercut. Christa climbs the top rope, prepares, and attacks with a flying elbow... NO! Traci rolls and escapes the jump! Traci watches as Stonewall crashes against the mat and then lifts her to her feet, only to bring her down again with one of her fierce moves, a STIFF clothesline, that she drops with the opponent with her arm over Christa's chest, making the cover.

ONE!

TWO!

Again Raquel interrupts, this time dropkicking Traci to her head! As Christa stops and breathes, Traci rolls to ringside. Raquel helps Christa back to her feet and points at Traci outside, and Stonewall smirks. Christa then runs to the ropes, prepares to fly... NO! Victoria pulls the ropes and Christa falls to ringside! Mickey immediately bursts into the ring and scores a clothesline, and Victoria also falls to ringside. As Traci is about to get back into the ring, Mickey quickly runs the ropes and hits a baseball slide kick to Loveheart's face, who crashes... into Christa! Now there's a mess of three women in a scrap heap outside, and Mickey decides to join them for a bit as again she runs the ropes and leaps between the top and mid ropes, crashing into them with a plancha that backfires horribly as all of them are shot into the announce table.

Rainbow: HEY! LEAVE OUR TABLE ALONEEEEE!!!!

Jeeves: Getting uncomfortable being this close to the action, Miss Rainbow?

Rainbow: No, Traci just smells.

Jeeves: No she doesn’t. Why do you have to be so negative about people all the time?

Rainbow: I’m not negative! YOU’RE NEGATIVE!

Jeeves: No, Miss Rainbow, I think you will find--

Rainbow: Jeeves is so negative, he’s sponsored by Kodak!

Jeeves: Shut up, Miss Rainbow.

Rainbow: ..!!!!!!!!

Jeeves: Man, that felt good, actually it felt BLOODY FANTASTIC!, no wonder you say it all the time.

After a long while, Christa gets up and throws Traci back to the ring, joining her afterwards. But as Christa is in, Traci kicks her guts and folds her, going for the Stunner... NO! Christa shoves her away and into the ropes. As Traci bounces back, Christa drives a knee into Traci's stomach, quickly connecting the scissors kick! Christa covers...

ONE!

TRACI ROLLS CHRISTA UP!

ONE!

TWO!

Kickout!

Christa kicks out and as she gets up, she SLAPS the taste out of Traci's mouth. As Traci looks at her with anger, Christa picks her up and signals the Party Hard Cradle Shock... Traci hits her with several elbows to the head and breaks free, she jumps to her corner and tags Victoria in. Victoria bolts into Christa with Wicked Intentions... Christa leapfrogs over Victoria and as Vickie hits the mat, she quickly gets up, staggering forwards... And walking into a BIG BAD BITCH SLAP TO THE FACE BY RAQUEL!

Rainbow: WHAT A SLAP! RAQUEL IS A RIGHT SLAPPER!!!

Jeeves: ...Do you realize what you just said?

Rainbow: Slapper... slapstick... SHUT UP JEEVES!

Jeeves: ...And we’re back to normal. Well it was worth it.

Victoria is spun and staggers right into Christa's arms, who hoists her up... and PARTIES HARD!!!

Rainbow: COVVVERRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!!

Harrison calls for the bell, and “Monster Hospital” hits the PA once more as Combat Rawk celebrate!

Stingray! THERE IS A GOD! Your winners of this blue... and STILL UK Tag Team Champions... COMBAT RAWK!!!

Rainbow: YES! ALL THE RAWKING FOREVER AND EVER!!!


Jeeves: Twisted Path gave a hell of a fight to the champs tonight

Rainbow: Shame no one gave a flying fuck about Twisted Path though.

Jeeves: We had a night full of surprises here in Crosshills tonight. If you think tonight was great you should be looking forward to Asylum 7 when we return to the birthplace of British Asylum Wrestling: St. George’s Hall in Yorkshire in Bradford with some interesting matches to come.

Rainbow: Oh really now? Do tell Jeeves, what match?

Jeeves: Well you’ll be right there with me to find out along with the rest of the fans!

Rainbow: Oh you son of a--

Jeeves: See you Bradford folks, until then I am Jeeves

We hear a distinctive grumble from next to him.

Rainbow:..and I’m Rainbow, who thinks Jeeves is a big meany.

Jeeves: This has been Asylum 6!

----------

SHOW CREDITS

Show Poster & Main Event - Rod
Brittany vs. Mika & Drink & Bounce vs. THE Team - Jani
Showtime vs. Leona & Tornado FCA Match - Cori
And a big thank you to everyone who did roleplays and segments!
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