I had a bad run of luck last night, I suppose. I don't know. I have a very different type of relationship with my parents' than most people, I believe. We're on a very, very friendly basis. I don't really feel as though they're my parents when we speak to one another. This generally works to my advantage, although occasionally it can also be a disadvantage. I like the balance, but sometimes someone upsets my balance and it gets me thinking about all sorts of stupid stuff.

I'm feeling extremely negative today. I have something to admit. It's not exactly easy, because it's a vulnerable piece of myself, but I don't think anyone here would actually take advantage of me. I just...well, besides attempting to be chipper and positive even if I'm not feeling as such, I have a terrible, terrible habit of conceding instantly to others if I sense a conflict on the horizon. It wouldn't be *that* big of a deal except...the general feeling of disgust I have with myself afterward. I was doing pretty good yesterday, but my father came home. We had a bit of a confrontation. Honestly, I don't want to go into what it was over -- because you'd probably laugh and say "That's it?" Yes, that's it. My dad is extremely agitated to a fault and after work, he has a bright eyed chipper daughter to greet him and all he can do is grouch me out.

Sigh. He can be especially harsh, too. The crummiest part is that my mom (who would have defended me because she's like, super, super sweet) couldn't hear us, because there is a lot stuff running in her room. Like a few different machines. Don't have to go into that. Anyway.

He grouched and grouched so I went ahead and shut myself off in my room, just needing time to calm myself. I had a feeling he wasn't done and was going to attempt to bully me some more about it, and I was quite honestly horrified. I hate stuff like that. I just want everything to go well...and be okay. When things don't go my *exact* way, I get really freaked out, because my brain simply didn't anticipate that turn of events. Duh! That's life, Jade. Ahem. Anyway, I was in shock at first anyway, so I didn't really fight back. Doesn't help that after my dad says his piece, he usually just storms off in a huff before you get a chance to talk back.

A little bit later, I was correct. We had actually meant to spend some time together that day. Regretting ever had made that decision, I hesitantly went to speak to him again where I was verbally berated and belittled. No, it's not like he says "You're worthless" or anything. My dad does love me, he just has little empathy or understanding for others. He feels that he's always right, and he's stubborn to an extreme fault. I couldn't take it anymore, really, I mean, really. My brain felt like it was melting.

Pathetically, I simply agreed with everything he was saying to make him shut up. This didn't last long though, because as I said, I was basically hysterical, just wanting this horrible event to conclude over absolutely nothing, goddamn. The conversation only ended (and I only got his sympathy) because it was rather obvious by my sudden "GOD I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY" and kind of...sinking to the floor...that finally made him stop. "I don't want to see you so upset, Jade. :(" URGH THEN STOP IT.

;lkja;ljdsfl So, yeah. He apologized a million and one times, and a million and one times, I blankly said it was fine. I was a zombie all night. I have a habit of pushing painful things in the back of my head when I can't handle 'em. Problem is, it kind of takes all my energy so I'm very...comatose and unable to enjoy myself much the rest of the night. I just felt blank and emotionless. It didn't help that after all his stupid apologies, when I said goodnight, he had suddenly reverted all cold again and we exchanged a few more words -- although I held my ground that time.

Finally, at the end of the night when I was alone, and finally made it to the safety of my own room, I realized just how much I had been holding in throughout the day. Besides the feelings of utter disgust and such with myself (for behaving the way I did and conceding to everything just to avoid a fight) I was just annoyed with the entire situation, because my dad always makings *nothing* into *something.* The pain finally spilled out, and I doubled over and dry sobbed. Not fun. Lots of loud, awkward noises that sound like you're being strangled with sharp pains to the stomach because of the stress.

It sucked. My medical problem before (that I had to have surgery for) apparently had to do with extreme stress, my doctor told me. That I needed to chill. Yeah. I'm actually experiencing my medical problem again -- full swing -- and I think I know who is causing it.

Hmm. I just felt like I needed to explain...somewhere. Get it out...somewhere. I feel terrible today. I slept in out of extreme depression, I've been alone all morning with nothing but my thoughts to accompany me, and I've been feeling as though I might burst into tears again at any moment. It's sad -- my anger should be directed at my father -- but really, it's just directed at me. I don't like the way I am. I don't like conceding to everything everyone says, but I do it without thinking because I simply want everything to run smoothly. It's not realistic. It's not life.

Sigh. So, here I sit, today. Extremely unmotivated. I have plenty of ideas for new fiction, but I can't bring myself to do it. I'm in a sudden rut. I have a few different PMs waiting for me, too, and I feel pretty badly because they're rather important and yet I can't bring myself to respond.

Being nice...being so considerate...it's how I like to be. It's the way I like to do things. I just can't seem to find a proper balance. When I feel I have, generally something like what happened yesterday happened -- messes me up and I've got to find my "balance" all over again.

The most annoying thing? The fight itself? I won't remember it in the long run. It was so ridiculous, as I mentioned. The feelings can't ever go away, though. I have to deal with him again today...and tomorrow...and the day after. I have to walk on egg shells and hope he's not in a "rattle me like a kitten in a cage" type of mood. Also, my stomach is killing me today. They mention stress takes the worse toll on your stomach. Ugh.

Finally...sometimes, I think some of you have heard me say this? Some of my happiest points of the day are spent here. It sounds kind of sad, but it's true. I do have good points, but most of the time, I'm alone. At least here...there are people to connect with. People that won't take advantage of me, and actually appreciate me for who I am.

I really love this place.

/weird way to end rant but yeah