Mayu Suzumoto

October 16, 2015, 10:55 pm

My troubles. It's a bit long, but I'm summarizing a few months, so it can't be helped. I just needed a vent, badly, eheh.

My problems suddenly feel rather small after I read of Haruhi's misfortune, but as I'm commenting here, I thought I should probably mention them, anyway. I can't recall if I said so or not, but an Uncle of mine passed away early April, shortly before my birthday. He was a caregiver to my great-grandfather who has many health difficulties. Truly...there were truly many times when we thought my great-grandfather would pass, but he overcame so much hardship, I think we all started to assume he'd never pass on, y'know? To overcome so many things...

Anyway...for his sake, we didn't tell him about my Uncle at first. We pretended my Uncle was admitted to the same hospital he was (since my Uncle passed and we didn't find out for a few days, we're not sure how long my great-grandfather was alone in the house. His nurse that would come by to visit found him. He couldn't walk, but that's probably best -- he didn't have to see my Uncle's body. So we were able to pretend for a bit that my Uncle was admitted to the same hospital, different ward. He did have head trauma from an accident a few years ago, so we went with that. After a bit of time, we told him he passed away in the hospital. He never found out otherwise. We couldn't tell him. How could we tell him?

He was living with my Uncle for so long and unfortunately due to familial problems, the whole family was broken into pieces due to a fight all of the adults (we were kids back then) had ages ago. Another Uncle of mine waded through each fractured family and would tell us lies about the other families and make it worse -- we all thought terribly of each other and none of it was actually true. The Uncle that would lie...I can't really tell you his reasoning. (He's not the Uncle that passed on.) Still, he was a major reason that the families didn't speak -- we were all practically told "so and so hates you" "so and so doesn't want to speak with you again," etc.

Um, so of course my Uncle Robert passing brought us back together. Billy (the Uncle who spread so many lies -- hence my simply using his name as I'm quite upset with him) didn't show up to the memorial service. It's not like he wasn't allowed, but he definitely wasn't wanted. The family came back together, while it was sadly at the expense of my Uncle's life. Still. I think he would have been happy to have us all together again. Apparently he had tons of photos of all of us younger ones, his nieces and nephews in his room -- which made me happy. I hadn't spoken to him in years so I had no clue how he felt about me. I'm the eldest of the nieces and nephews at 25 -- the rest are early twenties or late teens. So...in that regard, I try to be thankful that I remember a little more about my Uncle and great-grandfather than my fellow cousins.

My great-grandfather gave up after he learned about my Uncle, his caregiver, died. We tried hard to be there for him, but we couldn't replace the man who had been by his side, selflessly giving up his own personal life for his care. He just...gave up. There were medical reasons, but I honestly think he died of a broken heart. You know how they say that happens with married couples -- that one can't go on without the other? Pretty sure that's what happened. Twice in one year I've woken up to my mom sobbing into the phone, saying "This can't be true!" It was hard enough with my Uncle, but to have my great-grandfather pass in such a short time...ah. It was mentally exhausting. Painful. Etc. All I can really say is that our family is stronger than ever, at least. I have my special cousin back. Her and I grew up together and were apart for 8 years because of a ridiculous argument that had nothing to do with either of us. We were kids back then and were practically forced to take sides and had an utter lack of contact as a result.

She's like my little sister. She's the best. I have...a serious medical problem. Very serious. Not life-threatening--but my quality of life is pretty difficult. I'm in physical pain everyday, I don't leave the house very often because of said pain and all of my friendships have crumbled due to my lack of contact. It's been lonely. I'm always pretty peppy and positive, but deep in my heart I've always been lonely. I feel like having her back in my life filled a void that nobody else could. When I'm with her, my physical pain seems to melt away, like a distant dream. I feel like a normal woman. Since then, we've done tons of things together and it makes me happy, but it pains me to think that the family suffered two sacrifices, so to speak, before we came together again. Still...I have to look at the silver lining.

Yep. I can do that. I'm good at doing that, I think! I'm sorry if I sounded a little...un-Mayu-like there? Anyone who knows me personally here knows I'm pretty positive. I do my best to carry that, but telling this story was a bit tough. So! I guess some sadness came through. Still, I'm trying my best to stay strong.

Besides the two passings, I underwent a surgery I believe I mentioned a bit ago. No venting there actually, it helped me out and is still helping me out -- my physical pain has lessened. There's no cure for what I have, so I'm truly grateful for anything that can help me. Apparently I'll be going to a pain management class within a few months that will be tough, admittedly, and will require physical therapy that might hurt...but it's better than being stuck in the house on medicine the rest of the life, y'know? I'm tired of it. I've been going out more since my cousin came back into my life, but there's still many days where it hurts so much, I'm stuck in bed. This Specialist has truly helped me over the past year though, so I'm 100% positive that within 6 months, I can pop back in here and sound a lot better. Time heals wounds. I'll be doing my best to heal my body.

It's tough to talk about, but it's why I'm so godawful and unreliable at answering messages anywhere. Facebook, tumblr, here, etc...I feel awful when I reach out to help someone and then suddenly I can't respond for months because I can't even make it to my desktop. I'm really sorry to anyone here that I've done that to. (Um, Kishinuma-kun. I really, really am sorry. I feel awful about not being able to get back to you yet. Just terrible. My sincerest apologies.)

On a final note, I just got over a severe cold/flu that's been circulating over here in the States, from what I understand. I was sick with a general cold about a week and then got better, but then I caught it again. (I'm seriously a Mayu-sized girl. Even at 25 I'm only 5'2 and only a little over 100lbs. I'm tiny, fragile and my immune system totally sucks. So when I get sick, it's a little alarming, because it could get...bad if I'm not careful.) After my initial cold, I got better and went out with my cousin to a club for her 21st birthday. (That was interesting, never been to a club before!) Regardless, we both caught a bad strain of a cold while we were out, and we were both sick for about two weeks. Hers stayed a cold -- mine got worse and I got flu-like symptoms. So, besides my usual medical issues, I was taking extra medicine to basically get through the days. It was scary for a bit. We thought I might get ammonia. That happened to me once when I was a kid and I almost died. So...that was pretty scary. The family's had two funerals this year already -- I certainly didn't want to cause another and I most definitely don't want to die.

I'm pleased to announce that after much struggle, I'm finally 100% better, as confirmed by a doctor! Yay~! So...even though stuff can be tough sometimes, I'm always gonna keep my chin up, because that's important. I'm alive, I'm okay, I'm healthy again -- and there are lots of things in life I can still enjoy. As usual, I'm gonna fight through my medical issue -- I really hope to bring great news there eventually -- and despite the losses in my life (it wasn't a death, but I lost a close friend this year, too, so not the *best* year for that sort of thing) I know I can get past it and move on. I'm so thrilled to be healthy, honestly, I'm ready for whatever life's gonna throw at me. I really can't wait to start the physical therapy even if I'm a little scared about more pain.

I've been through a lot, and I just want to feel "normal" again. I want to go out with my cousin and enjoy myself, have a drink, giggle about boys (she's boy crazy, so she always has a story for me which is good -- because I'm not. xD) y'know just...20 something stuff. Might seem a little childish for mid-twenties, but I've never been able to do that stuff thanks to my troubles. Here's looking to the future, right? ^_~ There's always something good around the corner, I just know it. Definitely! So to anyone else with troubles -- try to remember that, okay? We've all got personal pain, personal problems...but there's really beautiful and good stuff in life, too. When I'm hurting, I try very hard to remember that. It's tough sometimes when there's so much bad to focus on the good -- but, hey! It's not impossible. I think I prove that nicely considering the pain (physical and mental) I go through everyday. I've never straight up admitted just how bad it is on here, but there you have it. Regardless, I know that life's gonna get better. There's always a silver lining somewhere, and I'll never stop searching for it, no matter what.

Um...so that's that! Eheh, I certainly said a lot, huh? I've had these things bottled up for months given I've only logged in here from my phone which makes it impossible to type something like this. Since this is a rare day that I've managed my pain okay, I thought I'd pop in and get some stuff off of my chest. I'm sorry to go on about myself so much when there are others with problems as well, I truly hope I don't come across selfishly. I just really...needed a vent -- that's what this is for, right?

Still, if you really stuck with this 'till the end, I'm sorry you had to listen to my rambles, really! Still...if you did stick to this and read it all through -- thank you. I appreciate you taking the time to read my words, listen to my thoughts and hear my inner-heart. I'm still a little embarrassed to type so much, but I've always been bad about not knowing how to shorten stories. Any of the older members here should know that. Sorry, guys~

I was only able to address Haruhi's trouble as I knew I had very much to type, but I wish all of you the best. I hope next time I can focus a bit more on you guys and a lot less on myself! So, please, everyone, take care of yourselves, stay in good health and keep yourself safe. Also, stay warm if you happen to be in the colder part of the year! (We certainly are over here, brr!) When I'm able to visit next, I hope a lot of you that might not be right now are eventually smiling. I wish you all the best. ♥

PS: I feel a lot better *after* typing that then when I started, so I guess I needed to share. Y'know, I'm normally a private person, but it's always been easy for me to chat here, even there are a lot of new faces I don't recognize. You guys seem like nice people. Hopefully I can get to know some of you better in the future. ^_~

There's something I hate about myself more than anything -- and that's the fact that my self confidence is equal to my worth to other people. How great I think I am solely depends on how much I believe other people like me. Not even how much they /actually/ like me, I mean how much /I think/ they like me. Considering I have absolutely NO self confidence, you can imagine how much I believe people like me.... (hint: I don't think they do at all.)

And don't even get me started on how I need to be THE BEST to feel like I am an OKAY HUMAN BEING. Just the fact that I need to look good in the eyes of others just to seem like a decent human being is honestly disgusting? How can I think like that? No one should live for other people, people should live just to experience, not to BE anything to other people. And if I said anything more on that I would be admitting a very selfish part of me that I don't feel like talking about right now.

This is honestly very destructive to me as a whole and I need to get over it... because, this part of me, makes even liking someone a very painful and harmful experience (and makes me think low and terrible thoughts about myself) and it has honestly, truly made me utter the words "maybe I should just turn off my heart and stop loving or caring about anyone" and "maybe I should just stop being nice to people." How hypocritical, that last line is, because I'm 100% sure I've told someone "you shouldn't be nice to people for your own personal gain" before. And yet... I was considering refraining from treating people with respect, all because I don't get it in return? I wasn't serious, of course. Being kind is usually in my nature, at least offline, and I could never do that with a clean conscience, but in my time of hurt I did say something that cruel before.

Sometimes, I have a hard time differentiating between "kind" and "yes-man." They say it's better to be hated than loved for what you aren't, but there are times where I honestly believe that just becoming someone else would make people like me more. Unfortunately, I can't fake talent, and I'm sure that's one of the defining things people look for in a person. Sucks for me, then, because I don't have that, even though I've practiced an instrument, composing music, drawing, singing, dancing, writing, etc... am I just destined forever to be a jack of all trades?

I also have a problem with accepting compliments... I've basically taught myself that I'm not worthy of them and that (children cover your eyes) accepting them makes me a "selfish, conceited shit." I sort of am, though. Sometimes I am worried that accepting a compliment will make people think I am proud of myself and dear god am I not, and I don't want people to believe that I'm feeling okay just because I accept a compliment and then leave me in the dust to constantly suffocate alone, forever. I guess I need to add "I constantly need pity" to my list of awful qualities.

One more complaint, before I end this post: social anxiety sucks. I don't want to clarify past that because I'm really exhausted right now...

Yoshiki Kishinuma

October 24, 2015, 4:02 am

Spoiler: click to toggle

There's something I hate about myself more than anything -- and that's the fact that my self confidence is equal to my worth to other people. How great I think I am solely depends on how much I believe other people like me. Not even how much they /actually/ like me, I mean how much /I think/ they like me. Considering I have absolutely NO self confidence, you can imagine how much I believe people like me.... (hint: I don't think they do at all.)

And don't even get me started on how I need to be THE BEST to feel like I am an OKAY HUMAN BEING. Just the fact that I need to look good in the eyes of others just to seem like a decent human being is honestly disgusting? How can I think like that? No one should live for other people, people should live just to experience, not to BE anything to other people. And if I said anything more on that I would be admitting a very selfish part of me that I don't feel like talking about right now.

This is honestly very destructive to me as a whole and I need to get over it... because, this part of me, makes even liking someone a very painful and harmful experience (and makes me think low and terrible thoughts about myself) and it has honestly, truly made me utter the words "maybe I should just turn off my heart and stop loving or caring about anyone" and "maybe I should just stop being nice to people." How hypocritical, that last line is, because I'm 100% sure I've told someone "you shouldn't be nice to people for your own personal gain" before. And yet... I was considering refraining from treating people with respect, all because I don't get it in return? I wasn't serious, of course. Being kind is usually in my nature, at least offline, and I could never do that with a clean conscience, but in my time of hurt I did say something that cruel before.

Sometimes, I have a hard time differentiating between "kind" and "yes-man." They say it's better to be hated than loved for what you aren't, but there are times where I honestly believe that just becoming someone else would make people like me more. Unfortunately, I can't fake talent, and I'm sure that's one of the defining things people look for in a person. Sucks for me, then, because I don't have that, even though I've practiced an instrument, composing music, drawing, singing, dancing, writing, etc... am I just destined forever to be a jack of all trades?

I also have a problem with accepting compliments... I've basically taught myself that I'm not worthy of them and that (children cover your eyes) accepting them makes me a "selfish, conceited shit." I sort of am, though. Sometimes I am worried that accepting a compliment will make people think I am proud of myself and dear god am I not, and I don't want people to believe that I'm feeling okay just because I accept a compliment and then leave me in the dust to constantly suffocate alone, forever. I guess I need to add "I constantly need pity" to my list of awful qualities.

One more complaint, before I end this post: social anxiety sucks. I don't want to clarify past that because I'm really exhausted right now...

I think it's pretty obvious that I'm terrible with words at this point.