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Random Writing; Because I can't think of a better title for the thread.
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Topic Started: July 17, 2015, 9:13 pm (265 Views)
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Yoshie Shinozaki
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July 17, 2015, 9:13 pm
Post #1
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The First Victim
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Greetings one and all, Yoshie speaking. After what feels like ages, I've began writing some fanfics spawned from sheer random thought.(Either my own thoughts or my little brother's ideas) So to start this crazy train, I wrote an explanatory page regarding my current writing project.(Not exactly saying it's all One-Shots but the stories themselves are random) Anyway, here's my explanation... Enjoy.
The Greatest Crossover Fanfic Ever.(Working title)
Explanation "Hello everyone, and helllooo, m'ladies, and welcome to what potentially may be the greatest crossover fanfic ever created right next to Super Smash Bros X League Of Legends" Perplexor proclaimed in a seductive voice, tipping his fedora to the audience reading thus far that hadn't quickly clicked out of the topic.
"Allow me to give you the rundown on what you're about to read so that confusion won't completely wrack your brains. Believe me, it's a messed up story, hell, even I have trouble following it" He explained while shrugging.
"I mean seriously, Matrix Revolution and Donnie Darko made more sense at points compared to this" He complained.
"But anyway I'm getting distracted. This story will contain heavy references to games and Anime, such as The Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina Of Time, Dragonball Z, Mass Effect's One, Two, and my personal favorite, Three.(God I love those endings, haha)" He chuckled under his breath until he was waved over from the recording booth with a long haired Hippie holding a sign that read "STICK TO THE SCRIPT!"
"Fine... And lastly, Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 'cause that's about the last good one in ages... Oh, I almost forgot... Guitar Hero is also referenced in this story somehow. Hey, I didn't come up with it, Howard Stern over there's little brother dreamed up this acid trip, I'm just reading off a script... SEE?!" He finished with an annoyed sigh, looking towards Yoshie while slapping the script in his hand.
"Finally, here are the 'Actors' you'll be reading about during the shindig. The author forewarned me about using the names of any Forum members since it might be of bad taste due to the following content getting pretty grotesque at times. So to cut out the middle man, instead of ruining the namesakes of you losers, he's going to burn his real life friends' bridges by featuring them into a book that they're never going to read... Except for maybe his little brother" He explained further until he paused to look toward the booth with a notched eyebrow.
"Wow dude, that pretty mean to call our lovely audience as 'Losers'. What kind of friend are you?" He accused annoyed when Yoshie quickly began waving his hands in a panic, trying to avoid the question while Perplexor shakes his head.
"I'm sure he's just kidding, don't take this seriously, okay?... Back to the script... As a liner note. I do not own the proper likeness rights to each of the usernames I'm about to name off in roll call" He forewarned before taking a breath.
"Soroth Lonewolf as Link. Dudsy97 as Saria. Gunner925 as Goku. Silentstrike122 as John Shepard. Zuba95 as Guitar Guy. Murp807 as Army Ranger. Scavenger093 as Drummer Guy." He stated in a calm tone.
"All right, that should cover the basics for now. I can tell by how you're scratching your heads, thinking "What does this have to do with Corpse Party?"... Well the Hippie in the other booth's username is a character from the games... That's gotta count for something, right?" He asked unsure of how to answer their questions.
"Anyway, hope you enjoy my boss's story, and as always ladies and gentlemen, it's time to delete your browser history of My Little Pony Erotic Fanfiction... Get ready for adventure!"
Hope that wasn't too mind rotting for ya. I shall return with what I've come up with soon.
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"I Return This Nightmare. I Will Find You. Sleepless, Cloaked In Despair. I'm Behind You. Man Has Made Me Oh So Strong. Blurring Lines Of Right And Wrong. Far Too Late For Frail Amends. Now It's Come To Sweet Revenge. Desperate Hands That Lose Control. Have No Mercy On Your Soul."- Here Comes Revenge By Metallica.
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Shigitou burikaa
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July 17, 2015, 9:29 pm
Post #2
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give me a reason to care once more. new mod for the grt. -in sachiko I trust-
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The last sentence lost me. I just died laughing.
Shīgitou approved. Let 'thou story's comith, gr'master. ^^
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ste teraz mojej obete. Vitajte v mojom herňa, zvieratko. Ja som teraz mučiť vás. . ~ポケウォーズ9000™ i am servent to no one.
I'm married to nana!
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Yoshie Shinozaki
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July 18, 2015, 5:32 am
Post #3
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The First Victim
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Thanks bro, glad ya liked my explanation, that was inspired by what may have been the early stages of a heat stroke.(Seriously, I was baking under the Sun to a point of hysteria)
Okay, as you wish, here is the grounds for a Legend Of Zelda Fic. It's a little on the profane side but I censored it for the most part.(Believe me, the original version is a lot more vulgar)
Prologue The early morning sun graced one young boy's treehouse residing in the wooded community of Kokiri Forest.
"The boy without a fairy", or "Ass****" so he was dubbed by his so-called neighbors, especially his long time rival/sister Dudsy, she would yell up his ladder with an obnoxious attitude every morning in an attempt to wake him after he had stayed up most of the night watching YouTube videos or playing video games.
She knew of his lazy habits too well so she took special pleasure in smashing trash can lids together outside his doorstep.
"Hey ass****! Time to wake up you lazy d***!" She yelled arrogantly in between swings of her trash can lids in her hands.
He woke up with a strung out demeanor, his green hat practically falling off his head, his green tunic ruffled and dirty due to lack of a proper washing regimen, but he was careless, most others would groan in disgust to a lingering smell hitting their noses when passing him by on the streets, looking at him with a disgusted look on their faces as he waves halfheartedly, snickering in response to their grotesque.
"I'll be down whenever... And my name is Soroth!" He retorted from his bed while rubbing his eyes after sitting up.
Despite some ill hygienic habits, he still seen fit to readjust his already prepared attire from the night before worn firmly on his being, standing to walk toward a shiny plaque on the wall he uses as a mirror.
This plaque may potentially be the most expensive decoration in his humble abode. The plaque read "Times Yanked It In A Single Day: 36 Times. Times I Made It With A Woman: 0 Times".
After Soroth adjusted his hat and tunic to his personal standards, he proceeded toward the curtain door all the while Dudsy still persistently banged on her tools of noise, laughing like a mad woman the whole time while their neighbors covered their ears in pain.
"Alright, what do you want this time you crazy b****?!" Soroth yelled in anger from his balcony as she stood from the ground, halting her annoying trash can lids smashing to place them on the ground, laughing with a sense of accomplishment.
"Nothing really, just wanted to f*** with you like always!" She replied arrogantly, clasping her hands behind her head, grinning, the wind blew subtly through her forest green hair she kept in a bun.
"Ugh... Whatever, I'm going to bed..." He let out a groan before turning back toward his doorway, flipping Dudsy off behind his back for her to catch a glimpse of his ill gesture.
"Oh, by the way, the Great Deku Tree summoned you for f*** knows why!" She yelled out before she, too turned away.
"What?!" He shot a surprise question when he hastily turned around, but he didn't anticipate how close he actually was to the ladder, he lost his footing and slipped off the balcony, falling to the ground and landing on his face.
"Damn Es Ay, that look like it hurt!" She laughed when turning around after hearing a violent crash sound behind her.
"Oh screw you!" He shot to his feet as quickly as he could, he felt pain throughout his body but it wasn't enough to stunt his forward momentum as he began to run toward the Kokiri Treasure Hoard on the far side of town.
"Where are you going in such a hurry?!" She inquired when watching him zoom by where she stood.
"Getting away from you for starters!" He retorted from a distance as he traveled half way there in a surprisingly fast rate.
Meanwhile, in the clearing where the Great Deku Tree planted still within the heart of the forest for ages, he let out a long sigh when Navi flew into his sight as part of their emergency meeting.
"Hey, listen!" Navi expelled due to OCD, if the Great Deku Tree had arms, he would facepalm in response to her cutting him off before he could speak.
"No, you listen... I'm going to cut this meeting short due to me feeling very irritable at the moment... Which has nothing to do with a huge Spider thing tearing my insides a new ass****..." He spoke sarcastically with another sigh, Navi flew around aimlessly.
"And speaking of ass****s... I believe it's time we brought forth the hero we don't need... But unfortunately... We have to settle with..." He spoke in a downtrodden tone.
"Now go, Navi... Find the boy without a fairy to help cleanse this world of all evil throughout this land... Oh... She's already gone..." He spoke in disappointment, sighing once more to himself. Hope it was okay so far. Any questions?
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"I Return This Nightmare. I Will Find You. Sleepless, Cloaked In Despair. I'm Behind You. Man Has Made Me Oh So Strong. Blurring Lines Of Right And Wrong. Far Too Late For Frail Amends. Now It's Come To Sweet Revenge. Desperate Hands That Lose Control. Have No Mercy On Your Soul."- Here Comes Revenge By Metallica.
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Yoshie Shinozaki
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July 18, 2015, 9:21 am
Post #4
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The First Victim
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Alrighty, I pumped out a new page. It's actually making me want to play Ocarina Of Time again just so I can see how much I can mess with it. Anyway, let me know what ya think so far.
Shield And Sword After a series of trial and error when attempting to retrieve the Kokiri Treasure that laid dormant at the end of the maze.
He stumbled over to the treasure chest, bloodied up after being run over by a huge boulder over and over again.
"... Ah... F-Finally... Ugh..." He groaned with a slight sense of accomplishment, despite spitting up blood, spraying on the treasure chest before him.
A bright shaft of light emanated from inside of the chest upon lifting the lid, confusion was painted on his face when being blinded by the light.(Revved up like a deuce another runner in the night... Sorry, it was too easy)
Just as he reached into the chest with one hand while using his off hand to shield his eyes, he passed his hand over an object at the bottom, but it didn't exactly feel like what he was expecting his reward to be.
And as he pulled on the object with his broken fingers, the light followed his hand all the way up the treasure chest.
"A Flashlight?... A freakin' Flashlight is the mysterious treasure of the Kokiri Forest?" He questioned his prize with angst, examining the long, black shaft of his new findings.
"I guess beggars can't be choosers... Wait, what's that?" He stumbled on his words when a glimmer of light caught his eye from within the chest, thus he shined the flashlight into the chest to find a shortsword at the bottom.
"Alright, this is more like it!" Soroth said to himself when examining the blade, twirling it around in his hand.
Without a moment to waste any further, he put away his new weapon in the sheathed that somehow magically appeared on his back.(Because Video Game logic... Are you gonna argue with it?)
After getting pummeled by the boulder a few more times when trying to leave the treasure hoard, he dashed his way to the threshold leading to the clearing where the Great Deku Tree awaited his arrival.
But his forward momentum was ended by an outstretched hand in front of his face, a sign left the boy without a fairy's mouth.(Speaking of which... Where's Navi?)
She flew into his treehouse abode in hope to find the one she was tasked to accompany during his decided destiny, only to float in the middle of the room, confusion striking the fairy's mind when noticing that Soroth was nowhere to be found.
Just when Navi was about to fly away through the doorway, a shiny reflection caught her eye, and it was the plaque on the wall mounted above a dormant fireplace.
All that could be heard from inside Soroth's home was frantic laughter resonating loudly. She was loud enough that she perked his ears toward the direction of his house.
"Heh, someone must've found your plaque again" Mido mocked Soroth with a chuckle, Soroth switching his focus to Mido with anger in his eyes.
"Just shut the f*** up before I gank your sorry ass" Soroth threatened Mido, pulling out his new sword and pointing the blade toward his stomach.
"And what are you gonna do with that? Prick my skin? Get real, that sword is useless without a shield!" Mido retorted arrogantly with his hands on his hips.
"Why do I need a shield to hurt you? That doesn't make any... Oh never mind, Mido,where do I get a shield?" He asked in exhaustion, deciding against arguing with the ignorant numbskull blocking his path.
"Ha, of course you'd ask me, the great Mido for advice on how to progress your adventure, how pathetic!" He proclaimed proudly, laughing up to the sky while Soroth scratched the back of his head with his sword.
"Look are you gonna tell me where to find a shield? Or are you just gonna sit here, j***ing off all day?" He inquired impatiently, tapping his foot.
Thankfully, Soroth's retort came through to Mido's pride, returning his focus on the boy without a fairy with a huff, crossing his arms.
"Well lucky for you, that shop over there is selling a Deku Shield in pristine condition for a reasonable price" Mido pointed out.
"And how much is the shield?" Soroth asked casual but one can tell his patience was wearing thinner and thinner with each passing moment.
"Five bucks!" Mido answered strongly.
"Five bucks, are you crazy?! Where the hell am I gonna get that kind of money around here?!" Soroth panicked, jumping back with astonishment on his face.
"I damn sure ain't b***ing some old guy in an alley for a shield, you can forget about that!" Soroth continued in anxiety.
"Well it's either that, or maybe you and I can work out a deal" Mido proposed in a sly manner when Soroth decided to walk toward the shop after thinking for a moment.
"Where are you going?! Weren't you just having a conniption fit about not being able to afford a shield?!" Mido questioned just as Soroth stopped at the doorway to the shop.
"After thinking about it, it turns out I have a coupon!" He retorted before dashing into the store, his sword held at the ready.
The sounds of children screaming resonated like thunder from inside the shop as Soroth began holding the cashier at sword point.
"This is a robbery, don't make it a murder!" He shouted angrily as the cashier handed over the Deku Shield, shaking like a leaf on a tree.
"Thanks, b****!" He shouted with a laugh before running the sword through the cashier's throat, leaving him to bleed to death.
Soroth returned to Mido with both sword and shield in his hands, covered in blood.
"Now unless you wanna end this in a pool of your own blood, back off!" He shouted lividly at Mido as he quivered in fear, stepping aside to allow Soroth access to the clearing where the Great Deku Tree waited.
Soroth shot Mido a menacing glare, practically making Mido void his bowels before proceeding through the threshold.
To be continued...
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"I Return This Nightmare. I Will Find You. Sleepless, Cloaked In Despair. I'm Behind You. Man Has Made Me Oh So Strong. Blurring Lines Of Right And Wrong. Far Too Late For Frail Amends. Now It's Come To Sweet Revenge. Desperate Hands That Lose Control. Have No Mercy On Your Soul."- Here Comes Revenge By Metallica.
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Shigitou burikaa
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July 18, 2015, 6:38 pm
Post #5
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give me a reason to care once more. new mod for the grt. -in sachiko I trust-
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Hey gm. I have a question that was probably asked by me already. Why the hell havent you made stories before? Because I freaking love them.
Keep it up, gm.
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ste teraz mojej obete. Vitajte v mojom herňa, zvieratko. Ja som teraz mučiť vás. . ~ポケウォーズ9000™ i am servent to no one.
I'm married to nana!
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7thPhantom
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July 19, 2015, 6:16 am
Post #6
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The Phantom Mage of 1991.
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7 words am i gonna say for this: Awesomeness just reached a whole new level.
just that. i am kinda fascinated by it. mature words are okay with me. as far as i can't get mixed into the characters and get confused naturally. but all in all am i will be looking up for each and every new chapter here.
oh...and for the ending of the second chapter....i wanna say 3 words:That...Escalated...Quickly
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Time~ Space~ possibilities~ Timelines~ Parallel~ Truths~ Singularity~ Pluralism~.
The Thought that transcends all the worlds will surely save this one~~
Seek a salvation.
 Made By Sky bird and Shigitou Burikaa. Arigatou Gozaimasoyo Sky-senpai! and thank you Shigitou-Nii
A Signature made by ShadowHakai  Made by ShadowHakai. Arigatou Gozaimasuyo Hakai-kun!
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Yoshie Shinozaki
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July 19, 2015, 10:17 am
Post #7
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The First Victim
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Thanks you sincerely guys, I'm really you guys like it so far. Honestly, I just got tired of making dark and downtrodden CoPa based stories, it was putting me in a bad mood.(Which is why it took me over a year to start writing a story again) Plus I just wanted to be different from everyone else. But to tell the truth, I'm actually holding back a lot on the mature writing, I can go much more grotesque.That is until I get banned for obsenities
Anyway, let's get the ball rolling again with another page so without further delay.
The Adventure Begins? Not long after crossing the threshold leading to the clearing, Soroth had met with some tall plant-like creatures breathing upon his face, their breaths smelled of a mix of roses and manure.
Despite the stench, he was utterly unfazed by any guilt of cutting down the plant life, in fact, a twisted grin soon appeared on his face after cutting down the first enemy by it's green stalk that held it's head.
But his killing spree would only be fueled even further after receiving an item called 'Deku Nut'. Quickly learning of it's flashing light properties, which he would use to his advantage to throw down in front of his enemies, stunning them momentarily so he could close in for the kill.
This plant blood frenzy would only come to an end when boredom reared it's ugly head, letting out an exhausted sigh before returning to his chore of meeting with the Great Deku Tree, for whom the tree stood there, mumbling to himself incoherently until Soroth piped up, making his presence known to the aged tree.
"Oh so you finally arrived... Only been like six hours..." The Great Deku Tree announced impatiently, sighing to himself.
"Yeah, I was just held up by pig f***er all morning... So what's your problem?!" Soroth questioned bluntly, taking a seat on a grassy knoll in front of the mustachioed tree.
"Oh nothing... Just got an extremely venomous spider dwelling my colon that's biting me in the ass, nothing special..." He spoke sarcastically, downtrodden as all hell.
"... Certainly sound like you got a bug up your ass..." Soroth murmured to himself, carving a drawing into the dirt with his bloodied sword out of boredom.
"What was that?!" The Great Deku Tree questioned when hearing Soroth murmur to himself.
"Did I freakin' stutter?!" Soroth retorted angrily, shooting up to his feet.
"Look, arguing like small children is getting us nowhere, long story short, the arachnid queen Gohma is lurking in the lower half of my tree trunk, making me feel very irritable, as though I have a serious case of constipation... So if you don't mind, I need you to enter me and dispose of my pest problem" The Great Deku Tree explained as well as he could to the boy wearing a blood stained tunic.
"So what you're saying is... You have a spider up your ass, and you want me to go inside you and... Kill it?" Soroth pondered out loud with his head tilted to the side.
"Yes, that is correct... Thought I couldn't have been any clearer..." He huffed impatiently, wishing he could roll his eyes.
"You know what? I don't have to take your s***, I'm leaving... Hope you get termites, you son of a b****!" Soroth cursed at the dying tree when turning around, flipping him off the whole time when he began to leave the clearing.
Unfortunately, Soroth's forward momentum was halted by a sudden earthquake, then a series of thick tree trunk tentacles emerged from the ground instantly blocking his path, and at the same time, knocking Soroth on his rear.
"Hold it right there, smartass! Now you listen to me... You're going to take care of my pest problem, or the next tentacle is going 'Down South!'" The Great Deku Tree ordered lividly, immediately opening his mouth for Soroth to enter inside.
"So let me get this straight... Either I go in and give you an enema, or your going to give me one?... Guess I don't have much of a choice..." Soroth weighed his options when checking on his own rear, gulping a bit to the thought of one of those large tentacles doing something obscene.
"Okay, fine... I'll take care of your bug problem..." Soroth submissively answers, lowering his head while dragging his feet to enter The Great Deku Tree's mouth.
"... I don't want my cherry popped just yet..." He thought to himself upon entering the tree's enormous mouth.
Just as Soroth traversed through the dying tree's mouth, out of the blue, Navi flutters close behind, finally catching up with the boy without a fairy, panting lightly.
"Hey wait for me!" Navi called out to Soroth, grabbing his attention instantly and turning him around.
"Oh great, just what I need... A tag along..." Soroth groaned when facing the bright blue fairy whom was trying to catch her breath, turning his head back forward.
"Hey, who are you calling a 'Tag Along?'. I'm a pivotal plot device for this game you dunce, and my name is Navi!" She yelled out, exhausting what little breath she had left, thus collapsing on the wooden floor behind him.
"Plot device? What the hell are you talking about?" He responded in confusion, turning back to her to kneel down when realizing she fell over exhausted.
"You're lucky I'm in a good mood today, otherwise I'd squash you like a bug..." He noted to her as he picked her up, standing to his feet to examine her closer.
"Oh whatever, I just need some rest so if you wouldn't mind putting me in your pocket or something?" Navi requested somewhat agitated.
"Well I don't have any pockets... But I do have one idea on where to put you" he spoke deviously when lifting his tunic covering his lap when Navi began to panic.
"No no no! Not there! How about your hat?!" She quickly requested, pausing his sick motion, then shrugging and doing as she asked, thus letting her reside inside his hat.
"Oh God, it smells like doo-doo in here... Ever heard of bathing?!" She yelled in disgust when finding large traces of blood, dirt and dandruff throughout his dirty blond hair.
"Heh... You said doo-do" He snickered childishly before traversing deeper into The Great Deku Tree's insides, thus finally beginning his adventure.
To be continued...
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"I Return This Nightmare. I Will Find You. Sleepless, Cloaked In Despair. I'm Behind You. Man Has Made Me Oh So Strong. Blurring Lines Of Right And Wrong. Far Too Late For Frail Amends. Now It's Come To Sweet Revenge. Desperate Hands That Lose Control. Have No Mercy On Your Soul."- Here Comes Revenge By Metallica.
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Yoshie Shinozaki
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August 28, 2015, 7:06 am
Post #8
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The First Victim
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Hey guys, it's been a while since I was in this Thread. So to keep the spirit up, I've decided to write down a quick summary of what goes on during my D&D sessions. Because for one thing, the one element I'm missing to this random writing section is the "Random". Let me know what ya think okey doke?
Random Game Session Deep within the vast cosmic ocean of the Phlogiston Wild Space. A freighter was shot to senders by an oncoming sloop, it too scorched in fire as a jet black orcish fellow known better as the infamous Perplexor The Insane, stood firmly at the bow of the boat, beating his chest valiantly like an alpha male gorilla, and at the same time, a towering man, muscled to the teeth with pure bulk was at the helm of the sloop, sighing with no surprise as he steered the sloop forward.
One squid faced humanoid, who's name overwritten and replaced with "Tentacool" was panicking to put out the flames on deck while a creature reminiscent to a hippopotamus mixed with a man, in laymen's terms, commonly known as a Giff that goes by the name "Urgot", stood back from the flame, and instead of helping the Illthid control the fire, he pointed and laughed as the squid burned his hands.
"Onward my merry band of freaks and weirdos! We almost got 'em!" Their self appointed leader shouted back toward his band of misfits, with only the Giff saluting their Scro captain, the Illthid crying in pain due to the scorch marks on his flesh, and the Man mumbling some cuss words under his breath.
Despite heeding the helmsmen's advice, which his captain would flip him off and set a course forward, the sloop rammed into the freighter full force, utterly shattering the bow into splinters, knocking back the Scro captain back unto deck, his head landing on the fire, thus putting out the flame with his hard head.
"I've fallen... Into The Fire!" The Scro sang after shooting back to his feet, laughing it off, all the while steering his body away from his crew to hide his tears.
"Hey are you crying?!" said the man bulked with muscle to his orcish 'Friend' and most handsome captain.
"No! I'm just... Freshening up!" He yelled back as though he were in a restroom, wiping away his tears quickly.
"... Whatever... They're coming up port side!" Said the man, more muscle than man, and dangerously six foot tall.
"I'm six foot one, by the way... And my name is Xan!" He corrected the action above, which made Perplexor huff.
"Hey I saw that! That's my line!" Perplexor retorted with his arms crossed after reading the text above.
"Sorry, been in your head too long. Oh yeah, speaking of being in your head too long. Ever heard of the First Harper, Finder Wyvernspur?" Xan inquired after finishing his thought.
"Of course I have! I have all his books, but that's not the point of this D&D Adventure!" Perplexor answered angrily, and with so much agility he broke his own jaw.
"W-Wait, hold on, hold on! I lost track of what's going on! Stop the RP!" Perplexor announced assertively as the story breaks down, reverting the players back into their living room.
"Dude, what are you doing?" Xan's player asked, scratching his head in confusion to Perplexor's player's aggravation.
"I'll tell ya what I'm doing! You breaking the fourth wall in the middle of the game was bullshit! You know that's Perplexor's job, not Xan's!" The other player shouted in anger, pointing his finger to his brother, for whom was in control of Xan.
"Dude, I don't understand why you're making this a big deal. It's not like we're gonna get anything good from this adventure anyway?" Xan's player questioned while arching an eyebrow.
"Fine, whatever... This scenario sucked anyway..." He complained to himself.
"So are we gonna continue or are we stopping for the night?" Tentacool's player asked calmly, sitting on the living room floor with everyone else.
"Yeah, what the fuck, guys?! I wanna know what we're doing next 'cause I wanna wreck something tonight" Urgot's player asked impatiently.
"Okay, fine, just let me think of something for a second..." Perplexor's player replied in a nerved tone, pinching his chin when thinking of another scenario.
A moment of silence lingered until the player snapped his finger, signaling that an epiphany had occurred.
"Okay, okay, here it is... We find ourselves onboard the Elven Freighter, all weapons in hand when to our surprise... We find an orgy of Zebra Men, in between the vast ocean of Zebra Dongs were hoards of treasure, ranging from an array of gold coins to used bottles of lube. And with Perplexor astounded, and slightly aroused by the sight, had to be slapped in the back of the head to remain his thoughts" Said Perplexor's player sarcastically while everyone else scratched their heads.
"You're not taking this seriously, aren't you?" Tentacool's player asked in confusion.
"Of course I'm not taking this seriously! The vibe is dead, fuck it!" Perplexor's player retorted before gathering his character sheet, and then storming out the living room.
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"I Return This Nightmare. I Will Find You. Sleepless, Cloaked In Despair. I'm Behind You. Man Has Made Me Oh So Strong. Blurring Lines Of Right And Wrong. Far Too Late For Frail Amends. Now It's Come To Sweet Revenge. Desperate Hands That Lose Control. Have No Mercy On Your Soul."- Here Comes Revenge By Metallica.
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Zaion
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August 28, 2015, 7:30 am
Post #9
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FanFiction writer/Translator/Character Bio writer
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o.0
This isn't like any D&D I've ever seen. Sounds more like the adventures of old man Henderson.
From a writing stand point, you've got too many commas in the first bit. It's called comma cutting, and can make things a tad confusing. You sometimes miss out commas as well. It's the one in the brackets by the way.
e.g. One squid faced humanoid, who's name overwritten and replaced with "Tentacool"(,) was panicking to put out the flames on deck while a creature reminiscent to a hippopotamus mixed with a man, in laymen's terms, commonly known as a Giff that goes by the name "Urgot", stood back from the flame, and instead of helping the Illthid control the fire, he pointed and laughed as the squid burned his hands.
The missing comma was needed to form an interruptive clause, since the detail "who's name overwritten and replaced with "Tentacool" " is interrupting the action of the subject in order to add information on who the subject is.
This is also an example of comma cutting. The sentence should have been broken down into separate sentences around "flames on the deck" since you'll run into the next line of description if you don't.
Additional tips I'd give would be to not write the characters emotions or state of mind directly.
e.g. Urgot's player asked impatiently.
I would have phrased it as "Huffed Urgot's player impatiently." It adds more life by showing a character's emotions through actions. Onomatopoeia's and adjectives are your friend in those situations, and really adds a lot of extra detail to your characters.
Hope this helps!
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Check out my fanfic Corpse Party: Blood Drive Aftermath.
I can also translate from Japanese to English. Open to requests.
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Yoshie Shinozaki
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August 28, 2015, 7:52 am
Post #10
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The First Victim
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Actually your pointers helped out a lot. I'll definitely take note of this the next time I write something down. I'll admit, I add some Commas and subtract some as though I were reading it all one breath at a time. So when a sentence goes on without Commas, or worse... Without Punctuation. I tend to keep reading until I run out of breath.(Not that I read out loud 'cause that would be weird considering what kind of content I read on a daily basis... Mostly obscene stuff)
Thank you sincerely for giving me some tips, it's very much appreciated.(And thanks for reading of course)
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"I Return This Nightmare. I Will Find You. Sleepless, Cloaked In Despair. I'm Behind You. Man Has Made Me Oh So Strong. Blurring Lines Of Right And Wrong. Far Too Late For Frail Amends. Now It's Come To Sweet Revenge. Desperate Hands That Lose Control. Have No Mercy On Your Soul."- Here Comes Revenge By Metallica.
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