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Magical Meido Lamuda; Caveat Lector: This is dumb, and probably offensive and degrading.
Topic Started: Mar 30 2012, 07:00 AM (293 Views)
Katefish
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Assistant Student No.1
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So, I bore very easily, and when I bore, I need to have things to do. And since Matthew, Raven and Florina are totally useless and keep dying to scrubs for no reason, I decided to write this. So, without further ado, I give you...



Magical Meido Lamuda Episode One: There's Just No Way My Unholy Abomination Can Be This Cute!



In a PERFECTLY ORDINARY town, on a PERFECTLY ORDINARY morning, a young girl can be seen running down the streets with a piece of toast in her mouth. “Oh no, I'm going to be late, I'm going to be late~!” she says, somehow being able to articulate words despite her mouth being stuffed. All in all, it is a PERFECTLY ORDINARY scene.

“Hi! My name is Shi Liu Song, I am an over 4000 year old resurrected corpse, and an otherwise PERFECTLY ORDINARY high school girl!(ノゝ∀・)~キラ☆” she says to the audience, completely breaking any kind of immersion. “I am in a bit of a hurry right now, I accidentally slept in this morning, because I am adorably clumsy like that, and if I am late, my homeroom teacher Mr. Rivington will be soooo mad at me.” Her ability to continuously ruin the experience for anyone unfortunate enough to see this is quite impressive.

The SUGOKU KAWAII girl reaches the school gates just in time, the bell starts to toll, and the body of students begin to grudgingly move towards today's trials and tribulations. Shi Liu breathes a sigh of relief, and joins the rest of the mindless herd, but suddenly, she somehow slips! Because that is moe. She makes a cute and pitiful noise as she falls on her rump, but no one around seems to notice, because this is, once again, a PERFECTLY ORDINARY event. She gets up and begins to rub her butt, because logic dictates that makes the pain go away. Also it is moe. When suddenly! A loud voice booms from behind her.

”Out of the way, peasants! The Great and Powerful Kathleen is coming through!” it commands. When Shi Liu turns around, she sees a girl dressed in a wizard hat and a cape, and otherwise fairly strange clothes, sitting on a throne. The throne is in turn being carried on the shoulders of a man of Indian descent. He seems to be struggling under the weight of the colossal golden chair, but he does not utter a word of dissent, but dutifully walks forward at a steady place. Shi Liu knows this girl, in fact, they are in the same class.

“That's Kathleen Brickston. She's a dick. One day I am going to tear her open and feast on her insides.... I-I mean... it's a shame she's so hard to approach! I am sure we could become great friends, desu!” Shi Liu's rather vicious narrating draws some frightened looks from the surrounding students, but they quickly forget about it, since it is PERFECTLY ORDINARY. Shi Liu, being kind, friendly, and uh... and whatever else people find enticing these days, makes way so that the strange duo can walk past her. She then follow in their tracks, since they've cut a fine swath through the mass of bodies, making for easy travel.

She reaches her classroom and takes her seat at the second last row, next to the window. You know the one. She talks a bit to her BFF, Kyrie Versailles, who is seated next to her. Kyrie is a quiet and timid girl, but Shi Liu likes her a lot. Also Kyrie's breasts are now the size of very large watermelons. Because there's always at least one character like that, and someone needs to bear that burden. Sorry Lee. But don't worry. It is moe. The classroom is in general disarray, until Mr. Rivington enters, and everyone simmers down.

”I shall now take attendance. Only not. Because only a few of you actually have names, and matters. Kyrie Versailles, Shi Liu Song, Kathleen Brickston and Rama Chandra, you are all here I see. Very good. The rest of you can enjoy being static background characters for the rest of your lives.” Charles Rivington turns around to begin the lecture but is interrupted by a voice. ”I say!” The voice is distinctly British, and for a moment, Charles looks quite surprised, but quickly gets his bearings. ”You are here too? It's almost like the author couldn't think of proper roles for everyone so she just stuck them into a single scene since it's more convenient.” Obviously this is not the case, though.

The morning floats by slowly, as Charles repeats the phrase “carrots and peas” to simulate conversation, since his voice is going to be drowned out by the BGM anyway. Suddenly the tranquility is broken by a cheery melody, Love Cheat by MOSAIC.wav, which is now the official theme for this madness. Shi Liu's cellphone is ringing! Oh how embarrassing! How clumsy of her to forget to turn it off! You better think she's totally cute. Because she so totally is. I bet me reminding you of this is starting to grate on your nerves.

Charles gives her a stern look, and points at the door. ”Carrots and peas.” he tells her, and Shi Liu dashes from the classroom in tears, ashamed. Sadly, the background turns pink and sparkly, and she does this in slow-motion, so it takes a while. When she finally exits the classroom, she checks her caller ID. It reads Sebastian Goldsmith, in big letters. Sebastian Goldsmith is her employer. ”Oh, I completely forgot to tell you guys!” she says to the thin air. The janitor cleaning the hall looks at her, confused. ”I work as a maid for a really rich guy in town! It pays well, and the hours are good. The outfits are a bit degrading though. I mean kawaii.” The janitor shrugs and gets back to work.

She answers her phone, and Sebastian's suave voice greets her. ”Ha! Ha! Ha! I am very wealthy!” he tells her triumphantly. ”Also my hair is great, my teeth are white, and I smell fantastic!” If it is not clear, the first potential love interest has revealed himself. ”But enough talking about you. Did you know I am also very well built? Oh, and there's a demon or something attacking the town. I need you to take care of it. I am far too busy being affluent.” Oh, and one more thing. Shi Liu isn't just any maid! By night she is Lamuda She Shuimian! Except with accents and stuff that I am too lazy to add. She is the protector of the city, defender of the innocent, and totally rad. Also, it might not be nighttime, but don't bother thinking too hard about it, it's hardly the biggest inconstancy in this.

Shi Liu gasped, shocked and appalled. Someone was preying on the weak, she could not abide such things! ”But I am in school right now, I can't leave! Doushio~!” Sebastian laughed at her. ”Did I ever tell you just how opulent I am? I mean, like, really. I have a lot of money, it's not even funny. Also, I already sent Loseton to act as your double while you do your thing. I have very large wads of cash.” Sebastian suddenly hung up, probably so he could go bathe in money.

Shi Liu wasted no time, and transformed on the spot. ”Zombie Prism Power!!!” A borderline erotica transformation scene takes place. We are all in awe. When it finishes, Shi Liu has transformed into Lamuda, a horrifying monster that would send even the bravest men running. Also she is wearing a maid outfit. It's cute. She opens a window and jumps out, sprinting towards the demon, that she somehow knows the location of. The janitor sighs, and mutters something about kids these days.

She reaches an abandoned construction site, and hears the wail of a woman. Lamuda spots the owner of said voice, pressed against a wall, as a blob of slime inches slowly towards her. If she just ran she would easily get away. ”Stop right there, slime ball... hehe, I'm funny... or I will punish you!” Not waiting for a reply Lamuda dashes for the enemy, preparing to send him back to hell. The demon is ready though, and a tentacle shoots out towards Lamuda. Yeah, it has tentacles. What did you expect. It is too fast! Lamuda does not have time to dodge!

Meanwhile, in a completely pointless scene back at the school, it is lunchtime. Most of the students are enjoying their meal in the classroom. The distinctly British man is chuckling to himself. ”This cow is no more. It has ceased to be. This is an ex-cow. Ho ho ho.” he says, while eating a beef, which isn't very lunchy, but eh. Kathleen and her crony are eating their lunch in uncharacteristic silence. ”Say, Miss... does Shi Liu seem strange to you today?” the man asks. Kathleen glances over her shoulder, inspecting Shi Liu. She is talking to Kyrie Versailles, who is fidgeting, her eyes darting around the classroom in obvious distress. ”No.” Kathleen went back to her meal.

The man turned back again, looking at Shi Liu. ”It's just... she is very clearly a man, all of a sudden!” Kathleen snorted, food flying everywhere. She declares it to be very great and powerful. ”How cruel you are, Rama. She was always ugly, but to go so far as saying she is a man... Kathleen is pleased.” she laughs, but Rama is still not convinced. ”She has a beard!” he points at Shi Liu, trying to stress his point. ”She always had a beard.” Kathleen declared in a voice that brokered no argument. ”Oh. Well okay, if you say so.” The two of them then went back to being idiots.

At the same time, in an actually equally pointless scene, that demon has Lamuda trapped! His tentacles are tied tightly around her wrists. She is in great peril, when suddenly a loud gunshot rings out. A bullet severs the tentacle in two, freeing Lamuda. She quickly jumps back to a safe distance. She turns her head towards the direction of the sound, and spots an elderly man, very finely dressed and wearing a masquerade mask, holding an oversized sniper rifle. ”Tuxedo Winston!” It is her stalwart ally and savior! What luck, that he would appear now when she was in danger, just like every other time he has appeared!

”It would appear this thing is pointless.” His voice is very charming. He is Love Interest #2. He tosses away his mask. His true identity is that of Winston, Sebastian Goldsmith's butler! This shocks no one. ”If it please milady, it would be advantageous to finish him now. The episode is almost over.” Lamuda did not have to be told twice. She digs into the demon, tearing him apart. Turns out that despite being a ball of slime, he did in fact have organs and blood. Once the demon has been ripped into sufficiently small pieces, Lamuda starts devouring them. It is a scene filled with gore, and the innocent bystander retches in disgust.

When it's all over, Lamuda is drenched in blood, causing her clothes to sag a little. This is fanservice. If you didn't get it yet, it's moe. Lamuda tries to make sure the poor woman is alright, but she runs away, screaming in terror. Tuxedo Winston has at some point stealthily left the scene, and there is nothing left for Lamuda to do but return to school. She reverts her transformation, returning to her normal, PERFECTLY ORIDNARY self, and takes the bus, she has somehow traveled quite far.

Back at the school, she silently enters the classroom. Everyone stares at her as she takes great effort to remain hidden. She reaches her seat, and her double gets up, and swaps places with her, then does her sneaking thing in reverse. ”Watermelon cantaloupe.” Charles says, continuing the lesson like nothing happened. It has been another great day for Magical Meido Lamuda. She leans back in her chair, the slow drip of the blood on her clothes lulls her to sleep.

The ending theme (True My Heart) plays.


EPISODE TWO PREVIEW
”Murmur, murmur, murmur.”
”No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!”
”Great that, Powerful this.”
”Rip and tear! Rip and tear your guts! You are huge! That means you have huge guts!”
”What do you mean these money jokes are just ripping off Kaiba? I'll sue!”
”AND THE PROM'S TOMORROW!!!"

Episode Two: This Will Probably Never Happen
Edited by Katefish, Mar 30 2012, 11:15 AM.
Masters
Kathleen Brickston
Servant: Rama Chandra - Prince of Ayodhya
Magic Circuit Quality: A Magic Circuit Quantity: 20 Prana Regen: 10 Current Prana Pool: 24/49 Wand of Brickston Prana: 11/20

Amadeus Constantine
Servant: Jeanne D'Arc - The Maid of Orleans
Magic Circuit Quality: B Magic Circuit Quantity: 20 Prana Regen: 10.5 Prana Pool: 31.5/38


Servant
Alexander Herrman
Master: Nico Vitale
Strength: B+ Endurance: B+ Agility: A Magic: D Luck: D
Magic Resistance: C Guardian Knight: A Bravery: A Eternal Arms Mastership: D
Prana: 1350/1350
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Akaecius
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You already know what I think about this but... pure gold. My sides.
"Are you literally balling my sack, are you dicking my shaft? Are you fucking holing my anus?" -Akaecius


Holger Danske
Master: Bradley Asher(Known to Holger as Nathair)
Strength: B - Endurance: B - Agility: C - Magic: C+ - Luck: E+ - Prana Pool: 1262.5/2062.5
Riding: A - Rune Magic: A - Eye of the Mind (True): A - Magic Resistance: E - Monster Hunter: D


Smithr
Master: Yougimhei
Strength: A - Endurance: C - Agility: B - Magic: A - Luck: E - Prana Pool: 1002.5/1102.5
Magic Resistance: E - Monstrous Strength: A - Territory Creation: B - Item Construction: A

Harradr
Master: Saisha I. Nazari
Strength: C+ - Endurance: C+ - Agility: A - Magic: E - Luck: C - Prana Pool: 1300/1800 prana
Magic Resistance: C - Independent Action: C - Clairvoyance: A - Monstrous Strength: A - Bravery: B
Kelstrin


Akaecius Naeseen - Master Class: Martial Artist - Rank 3
Servant: Alex Minoa
Circuit Quality: A+ - Circuit Quantity: 1 - Mana Regen: 13 - Prana Pool: 0/33
Karategi: Unharmed(full power)

A. Pius - Master Class: Martial Artist - Rank 2, Offensive Magus - Rank 1
Servant: None
Circuit Quality: A+ - Circuit Quantity: C - Mana Regen: 9 - Prana Pool: 35
Ivory Talisman: 15/15 Prana
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Native
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Unlimited Bravery
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I'm only months late, I know. Bravo, bravo! That was splendid!
Servilius, Class: Assassin
Master: Emily Douglas
Strength: D+ - Endurance: C - Agility: A - Magic: D - Luck: E+ - Prana Pool: 842/989
Battle Continuance: B, Disengage: B, Guardian Knight: D, Presence Concealment: A, Projectile Creation: C

Olfin Schmidt, Class: Defensive I, Offensive I, Weapons I (Melee, Firearms)
Servant: Unsummoned
Quality: C - Quantity: D (22) - Regen: 5.5 - Pool: 9.5/30

Nico Vitale, Class: FoTL (Genius), Defensive I, Weapons I (Melee, Armor)
Servant: Alexander Herrman
Quality: C - Quantity: D+ (25) - Regen: 7 - Pool: 23/30

Corin Dupont, Class: Weapons II (Melee, Armor, Firearms)
Servant: Unsummoned, Investigation Notes
Quality: N/A - Quantity: N/A - Regen: N/A - Pool: N/A (10)
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Heaven Canceler
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Absolutely Crazy. I am laughing my ass of here...

Edit: You are free to use any of my characters in this. Just for the Comedy alone it is worth it.
Edited by Heaven Canceler, Mar 14 2013, 01:40 PM.
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