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| Has anyone seen the papers | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: 15th May 2008 - 05:38 PM (159 Views) | |
| straightshooter | 15th May 2008 - 05:38 PM Post #1 |
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"LA LUCE DELLA LUNA CACCIATORE"
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I only told a few people honest! but I must admit he even scared the rabbits away thats what it was the paparazzi scared all the animals away ![]() Danger Mouse Is Britain's Farting Champion Scarborugh Man Blows His Opponents Away In Farting Final It's official - Danger Mouse is Britain's finest farter. The 45-year-old was crowned British Farting Champion at a windy Wembley Arena last night after a three-hour contest in which the country's finest wind-breakers were put through their paces. More than 100 bottom burpers were asked to perform in front of the judges, and were awarded points for fart volume, fart smell and technical difficulty. Amazingly, Scarborugh resident Mouse topped the scoring in all three categories to finish more than 10 points clear of his nearest rival, Smelly Steve Johnstone. Mouse will now represent Great Britain in the World Farting Competition, which will be held in Chicago, America's 'Windy City', at the start of next month. "The standard of farting was incredibly high," said Mark Harris, chief executive of Glade Air Fresheners, the sponsors of last night's competition. "But everyone agreed that Danger was a clear winner. When he let rip, it was like a small explosion was happening in his pants. I've never really heard anything like it, and the smell was simply incredible. When Danger farts, it's like 100 dead animals have been carried into the room." The modest Mouse insists that he did not expect to win last night's final, but his family and friends have revealed that they were always confident he would win first prize. The front room of Mouse's house in Scarborugh has been declared a no-go area on a number of occasions in the past, simply because Danger has broken wind. "Danger has been the king of the farters in our house for quite a while," admitted one of Mouse's closest relatives. "So I suppose we should be proud that his talents are now being recognised on a national stage. We can always tell when he's got one brewing because he gets this little smile on his face. Then, bang, out it comes, and it's time to evacuate to the kitchen." The attractive Mouse oozes sex appeal and is expected to earn up to £1m in endorsements and celebrity appearance fees. Tomorrow night, he will be farting in front of a live studio audience on the Jonathan Ross show and, next month, he is expected to fart in tune to the national anthem on the new series of 'Britain's Got Talent'. "People have always told me that I talk out of my backside," said Danger. "Well now I've proved that I can sing through it as well!" |
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Click on the links below: My Stock Repair Webpage My Webpage www.borderspestcontrol.co.uk Stock Repair and Refinnishing service IT IS THE CALIBRE OF THE MAN WHICH IS IMPORTANT - NOT THE CALIBRE OF THE RIFLE. | |
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| straightshooter | 15th May 2008 - 05:52 PM Post #2 |
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"LA LUCE DELLA LUNA CACCIATORE"
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and this one I didn't realise we had so many superstars
:D ![]() Pigeon640 Aka Kirky IS THE BEST DRINKER IN TOWN Scotish borders Residents Vote 35 Year Old Aka Kirky Best Drinker ! When the residents of Scotish borders were asked to vote for who they considered to be the “Best Drinker in Town” no one could have expected such a large turn out. Just over 73% of the registered adult population of Scotish borders turned out to vote. Amazingly that’s over 12% higher than the number who voted in the last general election and a staggering 28% higher than the vote at last year’s local elections. There was huge interest throughout Scotish borders in the weeks leading up to the poll with over 120 nominations for the title ranging in age from 18 to 83. There was however a clear winner: 35 year old Pigeon640 Aka Kirky a regular at the local pub. Pigeon640 achieved some 46% of the total vote, almost doubling that of his nearest rival. Pigeon640 lives in Scotish borders and when interviewed yesterday he said “I’d like to thank all those what voted for us and I mean, well thanks, and thanks very much.” The criteria for “Best Drinker in Town” was quite specific; the ballot paper called for consideration to be given to five specific categories with equal emphasis on each. The five categories were as follows : - 1) Quantity (in a single session) 2) Speed ( time taken to down each drink) 3) Crack ( emphasis on humour, originality and coherence) 4) Generosity ( standing your round) 5) Taking It (ability to remain sober) Despite losing considerable ground on his rivals for Category 4 Pigeon640 had almost maximum marks for all other categories and turned out to be a clear winner overall. The joint sponsors of the competition were Carling Brewers and Scottish and Newcastle Breweries, they will co-present Pigeon640 with his prize in a special ceremony this Saturday night to be held at Pigeon640's favourite local. A massive crowd is expected to cheer Pigeon640 in and admittance has been restricted to Ticket Only. Pigeon640 will receive the winner’s prize which is a year’s supply of Beers/Spirits provided by the sponsors. Quite literally the sponsors will pay for as much as he can drink for an entire year. It’s certainly going to cost them a bob or two! One condition on claiming the prize is that Pigeon640 will not be allowed to obtain drinks as part of his winnings and pass them to others. Aka Kirky’s best friend said “Pigeon640 never was very good at that part anyway.” Another friend and drinking partner told this paper that “Pigeon640 is one of the most popular people you will ever meet, everyone has heard of and loves Pigeon640 Aka Kirky”. Pigeon640, renowned for his charming personality looked every inch the super hero yesterday. His burnished hair had been cut and styled and his stunning eyes sparkled more than usual. In an interview for the BBC late last night Pigeon640 said “I owe it all to the Beer!” |
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Click on the links below: My Stock Repair Webpage My Webpage www.borderspestcontrol.co.uk Stock Repair and Refinnishing service IT IS THE CALIBRE OF THE MAN WHICH IS IMPORTANT - NOT THE CALIBRE OF THE RIFLE. | |
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| straightshooter | 15th May 2008 - 06:00 PM Post #3 |
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"LA LUCE DELLA LUNA CACCIATORE"
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:o well the small print isnt too clear but I think it says Lordgeordie ![]() Newcastle Man Found Naked With Goat Police Warn Of Possible Prison Sentence And Likely Outbreak Of Lice Lordgeordie was arrested last night after startled onlookers in Newcastle saw him performing obscene acts with a goat. The 37-year-old will appear in court this morning charged with five counts of animal molestation and two of animal cruelty. The Newcastle man was arrested at around 7pm last night after a local couple, Dave and Christina Bleater, found him naked in the corner of a field. His trousers were around his ankles but, more disturbingly, his arms were caressing a goat owned by local farmer, Clive Roberts. "I couldn't believe what I was watching," said Dave Bleater. "But he didn't seem at all bothered to see us. In fact, he gave us a wave and asked us what time it was because he wanted to get back home to catch the second half of Coronation Street. He seemed to think it was perfectly natural behaviour and was not embarrassed in the slightest, he looked like he'd done that kind of thing before. I don't know what the goat was thinking, but it looked like it had a smile on its face." Lord Geordie was unrepentant when he spoke to reporters in the aftermath of his arrest. It is understood he had left the house to go for a walk but, after seeing the goat tied to a post in the corner of the field, it appears he could not suppress his amorous feelings. "The goat looked so pretty with that shaggy mop and all-over body hair," said Lord Geordie . "I asked her if she wanted to play along - and she didn't say no. Anyway, I don't really see what the problem is. Nobody has got hurt, and other people do this all the time. Just the other day, I saw a story about some famous guy running off with his nanny. Why am I getting punished for doing exactly the same?" Interpol will question Lord Geordie later today in an attempt to discover whether he is connected to similar instances in Wales and Australia. Lord Geordie's best friend, , was last night being interviewed by police after a raid on Lordgeordie's home had revealed goat hairs in his underpants, two copies of "Animal Farm", the DVD, and a large Julie Andrews poster above his bed. This is the first time Lordgeordie has been arrested in connection with a goat and his best friend admits it is unusual for him to make sexual advances to such an animal. "Yeah, I have to admit it's pretty strange," said Lordgeordie's pal . "He normally goes for sheep. I've had a lot of trouble in the past trying to keep him away from those. He's always trying to get away on holiday to Wales, but I've always managed to knock those trips on the head in the past. Goats are something new, but I guess I'm going to have to add those to the list of farmyard animals that it's better for him to avoid." |
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Click on the links below: My Stock Repair Webpage My Webpage www.borderspestcontrol.co.uk Stock Repair and Refinnishing service IT IS THE CALIBRE OF THE MAN WHICH IS IMPORTANT - NOT THE CALIBRE OF THE RIFLE. | |
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| straightshooter | 15th May 2008 - 06:05 PM Post #4 |
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"LA LUCE DELLA LUNA CACCIATORE"
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I don't know who this is! no no no!
:( ![]() Carlisle Man To Test World's Smallest Microscope Chosen For Task Because Of His Miniscule Manhood Straightshooter will make medical history this morning when he helps to test a prototype of the world's smallest microscope. 38-year-old has been chosen ahead of more than 20 million other British males because medical records prove he has the smallest manhood in the United Kingdom. The records, which were disclosed yesterday under the Freedom of Information Act, show the Carlisle-based man has the smallest organ on record. Measuring a mere 0.0003 microns in length, it is entirely invisible to the naked eye, leading a number of doctors to question whether or not is actually a man. However, scientists from the University of East London hope to prove his masculinity later today when they use their new microscope to examine 's member. The Micro Viewer 69 is so powerful it can distinguish individual strands of DNA and make one blade of grass look like a Giant Redwood's tree trunk. The scientists admit it may not be able to locate 's manhood, but remain hopeful of a positive result. "We wanted something that would really put this new microscope to the test," said Dr Richard Willey, the head of the testing team. "At first we were going to use a speck of dust, but we decided that was a bit too big. So, in the end, we opted for Straightshooter 's penis. A lot of people think it doesn't exist, and I think even Straightshooter has a few doubts when he looks at it sometimes. "But the Micro Viewer will provide conclusive proof one way or the other. If it can detect it, I think we can safely say that it's the most powerful microscope in the world." is rather less impressed with the testing programme as he had hoped his rather embarrassing claim to fame would remain a secret. A number of his family and friends had suspected he had a particularly small penis, but now the cat is out of the bag. "It's not exactly what I had hoped to be famous for when I was growing up as a little kid," said . "Or perhaps I should say when some of me was growing up. As you know, a certain part has always stayed rather small. I've made the best of what I've got though. As the old saying goes, it's not what you've got, it's what you do with it that counts. I've always lived by that rule, and I'll continue to do so whatever happens at the university laboratory during the testing programme." A representative from the Guinness Book Of Records is expected to attend the first round of tests, so that 's inadequacies can be recorded for posterity. "Presently, a Polish gentleman holds the record for the world's smallest member," said a Guinness representative. "His has been measured at 0.12cm but, by the sound of things, Straightshooter will soon be taking his crown. Everyone seems to think his is an awful lot smaller than that." |
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Click on the links below: My Stock Repair Webpage My Webpage www.borderspestcontrol.co.uk Stock Repair and Refinnishing service IT IS THE CALIBRE OF THE MAN WHICH IS IMPORTANT - NOT THE CALIBRE OF THE RIFLE. | |
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| straightshooter | 15th May 2008 - 06:15 PM Post #5 |
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"LA LUCE DELLA LUNA CACCIATORE"
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B) ![]() Hawkeye Noooooooo Is a Golfing Legend! World's Leading Players Are Frantically Learning How To Do The "Noooooooo" THE golfing world is in a state of frenzy this morning after some of the world's leading players admitted they were learning how to do the Noooooooo. Named after its inventor - Hawkeye Noooooooo a unknown year old former model - the Noooooooo is a strange, jerky style that has left some of the sport's leading ambassadors hanging their heads in shame. Ugly and unconventional, the Noooooooo is hardly a playing style that appeals to the purists. Crucially, though, it works, putting an amazing 80yards or more onto the drives of those who can master the technique. Several of the world's leading players have confirmed their intentions to travel to Newcastle to learn the stroke from its originator. A member at the local golf club, Noooooooo was an unremarkable club player until a strange discovery was to change his life overnight. Teeing off at the third hole at the local club earlier this year, Noooooooo was startled when another players ball landed near him just as he was about to begin his backswing. Jumping to the left to avoid the ball, Noooooooo was jerking all over the place as he struck the ball. What happened next, though, was nothing short of incredible. Instead of trundling into the rough, the ball scorched down the fairway and made it to the front of the green - some 350 yards away! "At first I thought it was a fluke," explained Newcastle-based Noooooooo, "But I tried to repeat the shot again and, to my disbelief, exactly the same thing happened. "It took me a week or so of practising, but now I've perfected the swing it's consistently ending with the ball flying out of sight." The only problem is that because of its unique nature, the Noooooooo is an extremely difficult shot to learn. "It basically looks like a very-bad disco dancer," explained Carlos Manuella, editor of Golf Tip Monthly. "When I first saw Hawkeye Noooooooo swinging a club, I thought he was having a fit. But he was actually just doing the Noooooooo." Unsurprisingly, attention has focused on Noooooooo, the inventor of the shot. The extremely attractive and highly marketable Noooooooo is destined to become an overnight millionaire. Gillette, Wilson & Rolex are already confirmed as tabling offers for his signature. Hawkeye Noooooooo now has the world at his feet and is set to become a golfing icon. Noooooooo together with some of his fellow players are understood to have started a local swingers club for any interested enthusiasts. The modest Noooooooo told reporters last night "It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing." |
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Click on the links below: My Stock Repair Webpage My Webpage www.borderspestcontrol.co.uk Stock Repair and Refinnishing service IT IS THE CALIBRE OF THE MAN WHICH IS IMPORTANT - NOT THE CALIBRE OF THE RIFLE. | |
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| straightshooter | 15th May 2008 - 06:23 PM Post #6 |
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"LA LUCE DELLA LUNA CACCIATORE"
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and finally mate isnt it time you shared a little bit of wealth between the forum :angry: ![]() Niel Of www.hunterworld.co.uk Wins The Lottery!!! The Hull East Yorkshire Mystery Millionaire is Finally Revealed! Imagine being a multi-millionaire, and not even knowing it. That almost happened to a 23 year old Hull East Yorkshire man who won his fortune in the Lottery, but left his ticket languishing in the back of a drawer for almost one year. The 'Mystery Millionaire' has been the talk of Hull East Yorkshire ever since a winner from the area was announced but nobody came forward to claim the prize. Reporters flocked to Hull East Yorkshire in an attempt to discover who the unknown winner was, to no avail. This paper can today, however, reveal the so-called "Mystery Millionaire" is a man of mystery no more. He is in fact Niel Of www.hunterworld.co.uk, a Administrator of hunterworld forum from Hull East Yorkshire. Speaking from his Hull East Yorkshire home, Of www.hunterworld.co.uk told our reporter, "I'm in total shock! I can't believe I have been sitting on this fortune for almost a year without knowing. I was just having a bit of a spring clean when I came across an old lottery ticket in the back of the drawer. I took it to the shop to check it and could not believe it when I was told I had won £6.9 million! After picking myself up from the floor, I bought the biggest bottle of champagne and went home to celebrate!" A Lottery spokesperson told us, "Niel Of www.hunterworld.co.uk has been extremely lucky. Winners must make their claim within 1 year of the draw date. If Niel had waited another couple of days, a year would have passed and he would have not been entitled to a thing!" The amazing revelation has shocked the residents of Hull East Yorkshire, especially Of www.hunterworld.co.uk's close friends and family, who are now hoping to get a share of the winnings! When asked how he planned to spend his winnings, Of www.hunterworld.co.uk told us, "I would buy a big house with a swimming pool, take my friends and family on a well deserved holiday and buy myself enough clothes so I never have to do washing again! Not that I have really given it much thought!" Money will no longer be a problem for Niel, as previous Lottery Winners have used their winnings and new found celebrity status as a springboard to the big time. Niel Of www.hunterworld.co.uk is expected to follow in their footsteps and, less than 1 week after receiving his bumper cheque, the business opportunities are starting to pour in. Despite having the world at his feet, Of www.hunterworld.co.uk told this paper, "I will be keeping my feet firmly on the ground! There is still nothing better than a night down the local with all your mates, even if it is always my round at the bar!" |
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Click on the links below: My Stock Repair Webpage My Webpage www.borderspestcontrol.co.uk Stock Repair and Refinnishing service IT IS THE CALIBRE OF THE MAN WHICH IS IMPORTANT - NOT THE CALIBRE OF THE RIFLE. | |
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| straightshooter | 15th May 2008 - 06:24 PM Post #7 |
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"LA LUCE DELLA LUNA CACCIATORE"
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by the way guys if you fancy a play about with these personalised papers this is the link http://www.inthepaper.co.uk/default.aspx?d...CFRKS1QodhGbFoQ |
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Click on the links below: My Stock Repair Webpage My Webpage www.borderspestcontrol.co.uk Stock Repair and Refinnishing service IT IS THE CALIBRE OF THE MAN WHICH IS IMPORTANT - NOT THE CALIBRE OF THE RIFLE. | |
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| hawkeye | 15th May 2008 - 07:43 PM Post #8 |
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CROW & FOX Killer BUT scared SHITLESS of DAREBEAR
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SS brilliant never laughted so much for ages
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MIKE Hawkeye the noooooooooooo CLICK TO WATCH
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| Neil | 15th May 2008 - 08:02 PM Post #9 |
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The Master Blaster
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![]() Guess who! |
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www.hunterworld.co.uk http://www.flickr.com/photos/hunterworld/show/with/4466121918/ | |
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| Neil | 15th May 2008 - 08:12 PM Post #10 |
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The Master Blaster
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![]() :wub: "Neil is the toast of Hull this morning after he was voted Hull's best sh*g in a recent survey. More than 100 of Hull's women were asked to name the best lover they had even been with, and almost all agreed that Neil 's ability between the sheets was exceptional. The comments were anonymous, but the vast majority described 21-year-old Neil as an ideal lover, not only in terms of endeavour and technique, but also in terms of size and satisfaction. One Hull woman said, "I'll never forget that one night of passion I had with Neil . He's magnetic and although being hung like a donkey, he made love like a thoroughbred. I think he could have gone on all night!" A second Hull resident added: "Neil is quite literally a love machine. He took me to places I'd never been before - and I'm not talking about the car park at the end of the street. It's no wonder that whenever you see Neil, he's always got a smile on his face. I'm sure any man would be smiling if they had what Neil's got down his trousers." Other Hull residents, however, are rather less pleased about 's success. Some men have started up a petition to try to get the result over-ruled, claiming that Neil's legendary bedroom experience gives him an unfair advantage over his rivals. "I'm pretty sure I'd be the best sh*g in Hull if I'd done it as many times as Neil has," said one of 's closest friends. "I'm sick of hearing about him, it's like anything else - if you keep sticking it in there, you're bound to work out what to do with it eventually!" "The fact that more than 100 women could describe Neil's love-making technique says it all if you ask me. He's been in more bedrooms in Hull than the guy who delivers the beds!" Having wowed the women of Hull, however, Neil is now looking to spread his wings. A career in the porn movie industry beckons, with women all over the world hoping to receive a lesson from the modest and extremely attractive Neil, who has already been christened Dr Love. "If Neil's as good as the women of Hull say he is, then the rest of the world's women are missing out," said one of the many groupies who are now flocking to Hull in order to catch a glimpse of the shagging star. "It's our turn now - we all want a bit of Neil's loving."
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www.hunterworld.co.uk http://www.flickr.com/photos/hunterworld/show/with/4466121918/ | |
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| straightshooter | 15th May 2008 - 09:39 PM Post #11 |
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"LA LUCE DELLA LUNA CACCIATORE"
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fecking brilliant
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Click on the links below: My Stock Repair Webpage My Webpage www.borderspestcontrol.co.uk Stock Repair and Refinnishing service IT IS THE CALIBRE OF THE MAN WHICH IS IMPORTANT - NOT THE CALIBRE OF THE RIFLE. | |
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| Danger Mouse | 15th May 2008 - 10:18 PM Post #12 |
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Resident Sea Fishing and Pest Control expert
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twat.
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Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? ....... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!
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| pigeon640 | 15th May 2008 - 10:44 PM Post #13 |
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Unregistered
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jack pot mate you realy are barmy weird and mental but i love you !! well not love but like you!! keep up the good work |
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| straightshooter | 15th May 2008 - 10:54 PM Post #14 |
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"LA LUCE DELLA LUNA CACCIATORE"
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:wub: :ph43r:
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Click on the links below: My Stock Repair Webpage My Webpage www.borderspestcontrol.co.uk Stock Repair and Refinnishing service IT IS THE CALIBRE OF THE MAN WHICH IS IMPORTANT - NOT THE CALIBRE OF THE RIFLE. | |
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| grayling57 | 16th May 2008 - 09:04 AM Post #15 |
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Unregistered
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Very funny guys - keep em coming |
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| grayling57 | 16th May 2008 - 09:09 AM Post #16 |
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Unregistered
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Neil mate. You can't be best sh*g in Hull. You only get cormorants around the Humber!
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I only told a few people honest! but I must admit he even scared the rabbits away
thats what it was the paparazzi scared all the animals away 














twat.

8:38 PM Jul 11