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| Who Watches Within | |
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| Topic Started: Sep 28 2010, 01:08 AM (107 Views) | |
| Gene Inari | Sep 28 2010, 01:08 AM Post #1 |
 
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An old work of mine, but one I'm still proud of nevertheless. *** You left me here. I'm not lost because no one is looking for me. I'm not searching for anyone either. You told me you would do this. I obviously didn't believe you. I obviously regret that doubt now. My hands are cold and my breath is short. Just like you told me they would be. I was unable to muster the emotion because I was indifferent. I am still unable to feel anything, but I feel I can blame some of my empty state of mind and being on simple, physical numbness. The icy cold that plagued my being earlier is still there I'm sure, but the pain is gone. Perhaps the only reason I can still feel that biting and crisp, yelling slices of fire on my finger tips is because I am able to move them, breath on them, see them. I am aware of their existence--unlike anything within my realm. You warned me of this oblivion. You forced the words into my ears as you forced your opinions into my heart and back out of my own mouth. All I can see is darkness, even during the day. The light blinds me when I wake up and I can't see until the night again falls. You threatened to cast me into your darkness, the darkness you claimed to be a permanent resident in yourself. I doubted you. I'd be lying if I said I was sorry. I would be lying if I said I wasn't miserable. I'd be lying if I said I wanted a second chance. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't the happiest I've ever been in my life. If I never see you again I'll never feel what you expect me to feel now. Every day you are absent from my life is a day I am happy. This is the first day of the rest of my life. Did you want this? You didn't consider this or think it possible. I'm not sure what you would do if you knew I was positively ecstatic in my simple, freezing misery. I think you would try to take me back, try to force your will upon me like before. But now I know. Now I realize what life can be. What this feeling means. You'd be so angry if you knew. That's why I'm never going to tell you. This secret only thing I allow myself to carry with me to remember you with. This makes for a constant reminder while my eyes are open. I cannot feel the weight of my body being supported or the ground being stepped on by my feet. I can only feel the wind blow my hair around and in my face violently as I walk against it. I refuse to change my course to walk with the wind. Every gust is a challenge, every unfelt step a battle towards freedom. Freedom from your controlling grasp, freedom from the boundaries you arbitrarily put into place, freedom to breath the air you stole from my lungs. Even the smallest step I put between myself and you is a victory, an exhausting, unsupported, and unrealized victory. My bold and fleeing steps eventually bring me to the end. Ahead of me is the river. Wide, raging and unnavigable--the river you curse every morning as you drive over it. To the left is a winding and mysterious dirt road I've never ventured down. The tall trees create a canopy over the potholes far below. The branches are now thrashing wildly against each other as if warring over space in the universe. I imagine walking straight. I imagine simply throwing myself into the river, into an ever deeper oblivion than I already find myself in. |
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