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protect ichimatsu 2k16; since he won't do it himself!
Topic Started: Mar 21 2016, 07:28 PM (422 Views)
IchimatsuBoy
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[Karamatsu's had sort of a bad feeling for a while now, about where Ichimatsu might have gone. He never mentioned a job in specific, nor offered any address for visiting or anything, and he's a little bit harder to contact than his other brothers, so... he's been worried. Today, that feeling is only magnified. It's been two days or so since Ichimatsu's answered his text messages, and that's... actually unusual. He hasn't felt like Ichimatsu really liked him in years, but he'd at least kept up responding to Karamatsu's texts checking in on him. Maybe that was just to make sure he wouldn't be bothered by any more direct meddling...?]

[Whatever the reason, he hasn't answered now, and Karamatsu can't help but worry -- maybe he's worrying too much where he has no place to be, but still... So he's out looking tonight, making rounds at the nearby internet and manga cafes. It makes him feel a little guilty, that that's where he thinks his brother is living, but... It's just a feeling. He hopes he's wrong. It's not like anyone wants to tell him whether or not Ichimatsu's stayed there, and because they're all adults, saying he ran away from home doesn't really work to leverage information out of people...]

[It's been a couple hours of searching, and at this point he just sort of slumps against the wall outside of one, frustrated and trying hard not to cry, because that's not going to help him find his little brother by any means.]
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IchimatsuBoy
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Why? We're -- family! Of course I'm going to worry about you! I know I may have made you angry, but we used to be close! You used to trust me. You probably would have been happy to have me worry about you, at some point...

[And it stings terribly that he doesn't feel that way at all now. Maybe Ichimatsu really does honestly feel like having to stay with Karamatsu even for a short time is worse than how he's living now, and that -- it makes him want to cry, but he tries to shove that thought back. It wouldn't do any good for either of them if he started sniffling now.]

None of it was going out of my way, but it's not like this was the only place I looked...

[He did a fair amount of walking around, but that was fine. He just feels so lucky that Ichimatsu was close by at all.]
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KaramatsuBoy
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I don't...

[...deserve your concern.]

I don't see why that matters. I've done a shit job at being concerned for you...

[He can think of examples. He doesn't want to, but he feels so guilty now especially. Karamatsu is too kind, too earnest for what Ichimatsu fails to give in return. Why can't he be better? What's stopping him?]

[He sighs. So much for that relief. He didn't need to know the effort Karamatsu put in for him, even if he says it wasn't going out of his way. He'll change the topic.]

How far is it then?
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IchimatsuBoy
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And I don't see why that matters. You don't worry about someone in order for them to worry about you back, that's not how it works.

[He's almost offended by the notion that Ichimatsu would think he'd expect any concern back. He hasn't had any of that for years, from all their siblings, it's not like he's going to start demanding kindness now. There's things he wants, certainly -- he has a long list of things he wants from and with Ichimatsu, but he's resigned to not getting them, so nothing he does is motivated by any sort of hope that that'll change.]

3 or 4 blocks. It's not the nicest apartment in the world, but it's kind of cozy, I think.
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KaramatsuBoy
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[This is actually irritating him now. Why doesn't Karamatsu demand better? Why does he take it all laying down? Okay, it's discouraging after years -- he can appreciate that. But "we're family" shouldn't matter after some of the abysmal treatment they've put him through. Moving out from them should be his chance...]

[But out looking for Ichimatsu is how he's spent his night. It feels so undeserved for both of them.]

But there's a limit! You can't, just...spend your energy on someone who didn't do that for you.

[Someone like me.]

[Maybe this will register as care to Karamatsu. That's at least partially what it actually is. But if not, if he gets angry and gives up, that'd be fine too.]
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IchimatsuBoy
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I think I can choose that for myself, actually. You might be good at letting people go like that, but I'm not. That's all there is to it.

[That comes out... meaner than he'd meant it, or maybe not. Maybe it's just really how he feels. Maybe it does, at the end of the day, feel like Ichimatsu turned away from him and started insulting him and worse than that sometimes, all for no reason. Maybe he is jealous and upset that he can't let go so simply.]

[Either way, he lets go of Ichimatsu's hand for now, shoving both of his in his pockets instead, hunching his shoulders a little. This whole thing is beyond unfair and it hurts so badly, he's only ever tried to be a good brother, he's only ever tried to support him, to tell him that he believed Ichimatsu had plenty of chances in life, that he'd do well, that he could be great, that he could do whatever he wanted and Karamatsu would support him -- and he just gets yelled at for that, pulled by the collar, punched, whatever. Maybe he is fed up.]

[But he takes a steadying breath, still willing himself not to cry. That's not what any of this is about. The main thing that matters is that his brother, and the man he has feelings for, was living in a situation that he shouldn't have to, and he's doing something about that. It doesn't matter if that very same guy doesn't like him at all.]
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KaramatsuBoy
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[Karamatsu has it beyond wrong. He hasn't let go. He's good at pretending he has, but if he really had, he wouldn't have come with Karamatsu at all. If he really disliked his brother at all, he could have actually turned his back and refused to go with him. But his brother came looking for him, he put forth effort, and he can't actually allow that to come to nothing, even if he's clearly thoroughly hurting him right now.]

[It hurts, actually, that Karamatsu is the one to let go of his hand.]

[But if Karamatsu could tell... well, maybe Ichimatsu would like that, truth be told, but it'd make all this effort to push his brother away for nothing. Maybe it's for nothing anyway, given what he's saying.]

Heh. Maybe you can, but you clearly can't choose what's best for you then.

[Because he's not good for Karamatsu. But that's as much as he can say without giving himself away, probably.]
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IchimatsuBoy
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I don't care whether you think I should do this or not. I don't care whether or not you think you're worth it or whatever it is. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't do something, so this is still the best thing for me. If it makes it easier for you to accept this by thinking I'm doing it for my own selfish comfort, fine. Just think of it like that, then. It doesn't matter.

[That's obviously not true. It matters very deeply to him, the idea of Ichimatsu thinking Karamatsu doesn't love him and wouldn't do anything for him just because of that hurts more than the reality of Ichimatsu not feeling that way towards him at all. It doesn't have to be mutual, but he'd still like things to be acknowledged.]

... Why do you always act like this?

[His voice is much smaller now, and it's impossible to hide how it shakes, too.]

What did I do wrong? Why do you hate me so much?
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KaramatsuBoy
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Why do I act like this? Why do you? Why can't you just--

[really and truly focus on yourself? he means to say. But Kara's voice is softer and the questions feel like knives, god, could he have asked anything worse? Could his voice be any more painful? Of course that's what he thinks, but hearing it straight from his mouth is another thing.]

[He wants to cry right there, because he can't answer that. He can't tell Karamatsu that he isn't the one at fault, that he doesn't hate him, that it's all on him, it's all his fault, and that's exactly why Karamatsu should stop trying so hard for him.]

[So he doesn't answer. He can't tell the truth, but he can't actually bear to make it worse with a lie right now either.]

This is what I mean, I only end up hurting you, so why bother? You--

[don't deserve it...]
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IchimatsuBoy
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Leave you alone?

[It's his best guess at what was going to come out of Ichimatsu's mouth, and he's not surprised that that's where it was probably going. Nothing about Ichimatsu wanting Karamatsu away from him is surprising, after all. He picks up his pace some, because the faster they get home, the faster he can just sleep on the couch and not deal with this.]

I just can't, so you're going to have to live with it.

[Here, he finally musters up the guts to look at Ichimatsu, just once, and stick up for himself, too.]

Hurting me is a choice that you keep making, it's not like it just happens.

[He sniffles a little then, finally, and turns back around, relieved to see his apartment complex coming into view. This conversation, however brief, has just been exhausting and disappointing.]

I'll leave you alone. You can get whatever you want from the fridge, towels aren't hard to find... I'll take the couch and you don't have to deal with me.

[That's the last he says before they reach the building and head up the steps; Karamatsu fishes a key out of his pocket, unlocking it and stepping in to turn on the light, and immediately makes for the other room to give Ichimatsu the width breadth of space he seems to want so badly.]
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KaramatsuBoy
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[He's so torn and so hurt he's considering why he didn't turn his back on Karamatsu as soon as he saw him -- why he still won't. He just wants Karamatsu to understand, but then what would be the point? What is the point? He's silent all the way into the apartment, upset with himself and fighting himself on what to do.]

[And then Karamatsu is putting distance between them, which would be the very thing he was trying to achieve if Ichimatsu didn't know for a fact, after everything that was just said, that it didn't change how his brother feels about him.]

[He wants to cry, really, but he lets out a big sigh instead. And he stands there, where they entered the apartment, not moving for several minutes; distressed about what to do.]

[But if the lies are hurting him this much, how much worse can the truth actually be? What if he stops caring for long enough to yell it all at his brother and leaves before he can face the awful consequences? It wouldn't be the worst decision he'd made tonight, clearly, he decides. So he follows after where he saw Karamatsu go, summoning all the anger and frustration he can to push himself through it.]

You think I want you to leave me alone? You think I hate you? That I'm choosing to hurt you? You don't understand a damn thing! It's all the opposite, but if you knew your brother was in love with you, you'd... you'd...

[just have that to deal with instead of everything else tonight, hate me, be disgusted... he can't finish that thought before his eyes are watering.]
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