| protect ichimatsu 2k16; since he won't do it himself! | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Mar 21 2016, 07:28 PM (421 Views) | |
| IchimatsuBoy | Mar 21 2016, 07:28 PM Post #1 |
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[Karamatsu's had sort of a bad feeling for a while now, about where Ichimatsu might have gone. He never mentioned a job in specific, nor offered any address for visiting or anything, and he's a little bit harder to contact than his other brothers, so... he's been worried. Today, that feeling is only magnified. It's been two days or so since Ichimatsu's answered his text messages, and that's... actually unusual. He hasn't felt like Ichimatsu really liked him in years, but he'd at least kept up responding to Karamatsu's texts checking in on him. Maybe that was just to make sure he wouldn't be bothered by any more direct meddling...?] [Whatever the reason, he hasn't answered now, and Karamatsu can't help but worry -- maybe he's worrying too much where he has no place to be, but still... So he's out looking tonight, making rounds at the nearby internet and manga cafes. It makes him feel a little guilty, that that's where he thinks his brother is living, but... It's just a feeling. He hopes he's wrong. It's not like anyone wants to tell him whether or not Ichimatsu's stayed there, and because they're all adults, saying he ran away from home doesn't really work to leverage information out of people...] [It's been a couple hours of searching, and at this point he just sort of slumps against the wall outside of one, frustrated and trying hard not to cry, because that's not going to help him find his little brother by any means.] |
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| IchimatsuBoy | Mar 22 2016, 11:26 PM Post #21 |
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[He's really not sure what he expected, hearing Ichimatsu following him. Perhaps to get yelled at or punched or something, but not... not that. Karamatsu is so painfully sure he isn't breathing, he's actually probably not even doing anything but staring with his mouth somewhat open in shock.] [He said "in love with", Ichimatsu said the very words that Karamatsu has known fit his own feelings for years. He's crying, he knows he's crying. Reciprocation felt so impossible. So incredibly farfetched, he really had laughed at himself sometimes for even dreaming about the idea of it.] [He said it, though. Right here, in Karamatsu's apartment, Ichimatsu's admitted to being in love with him. It's amazing that everything, and yet absolutely nothing, makes perfect sense at the same moment.] [Karamatsu doesn't hesitate, he takes a few quick steps forward and reaches up to grab Ichimatsu's face and pull him closer, and kiss him with every bit of furious longing he's had. It's perfect, surely, even if it's messy and they're both upset.] I'd do that. [He says, pulling back, pink in the cheeks, shedding a few tears himself.] I'd do that as many times as he'd let me and I wouldn't let him go. [He'd beg, even, for Ichimatsu to stay, let them have a life together... anything.] |
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| KaramatsuBoy | Mar 23 2016, 03:55 AM Post #22 |
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[Maybe that shouldn't have been the last thing Ichimatsu expected. Karamatsu has always been exceedingly tolerant towards his poor behavior in particular - though he made his care for all of his brothers apparent. And there could be other causes. In fact, anything seemed more likely. But maybe he should have considered it...] [Nonetheless, it comes as a surprise when Karamatsu's lips come in contact with his. But there's so much feeling behind it and he's waited, not even daring to hope that would ever pay off, that it comes naturally to respond with as much passion. Of course he couldn't have known, but god he's angry with himself for all those years -- the wasted time is part of it, sure, but what he put his brother through was completely unnecessary. And all that anger with himself goes towards returning the kiss too.] [Certainly Ichimatsu is crying outright when they part, but it's some relief to see Karamatsu is faring similarly.] Why... I don't deserve that, I shouldn't have-- I'm sorry. |
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| IchimatsuBoy | Mar 23 2016, 11:45 AM Post #23 |
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You're right, you shouldn't have. You were... really terrible to me a lot of the time. ... But I guess I can understand why that was easier. [Understanding, of course, doesn't mean he's happy about it; he isn't, by any means. Somehow, that all hurts more in hindsight, now knowing that Ichimatsu had to work so hard to behave like that and be that mean. Karamatsu sighs, reaching up to wipe his own tears before wiping some of Ichimatsu's, too.] There were a lot of things you shouldn't have done. Like leaving mom and dad's house, for one! ... But it's not like any of these mistakes can't be fixed. They're not permanent. So, it's okay. [He can't possibly hold this stuff against Ichimatsu forever, after all -- there's probably no good way to deal with, no safe way to communicate it or anything, so it makes sense that he may have been coping with it very poorly.] None of that means you don't "deserve" whatever you think you don't deserve, though. Stop that. |
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| KaramatsuBoy | Mar 23 2016, 12:09 PM Post #24 |
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[There's nothing he can say to that, it's all true. He can't imagine Karamatsu wants to hear any justifications, and he doesn't feel like giving them, honestly. He's done enough damage without putting to words how he tried to hurt his brother so that he wouldn't hurt them both in a different way. It was never the best plan, but it was all he had.] [Ichimatsu wants to ask where to start, but leaving that answer to his brother doesn't feel fair. So he just nods, even though he doesn't really feel like it's okay. That and... he says leaving mom and dad's house was a mistake, but if he really had his pick he'd be with Karamatsu. That's just something else he can't ask of him, though. After how he was asked to come here in the first place, he wouldn't be entirely surprised if Karamatsu offered, but he certainly isn't going to ask.] But how can I deserve anything good from you after everything? [This is one thing, one idea he's having significant trouble letting go of.] |
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| IchimatsuBoy | Mar 23 2016, 12:21 PM Post #25 |
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Because you're still my little brother, and I still love you. You made a mistake, and it hurt a lot, but you were trying to make sure nothing even worse happened. I understand that. So, I can forgive you... As long as you're not going to keep acting like that, now. You were suffering, too, that whole time... [He frowns, though, and he's back to feeling a bit irritated about this all. It all seems pretty rooted in Ichimatsu's own issues with his self-worth, which is fair, but still...!] It's not going to make me happy, to not be able to be close to you or anything. Try to remember that my feelings matter here, too! Even if you don't think you "deserve anything good" from me, being able to do those things, and getting something back, too, would make me happy, too... a-and I think I do deserve that, at this point... |
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| KaramatsuBoy | Mar 23 2016, 12:48 PM Post #26 |
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[Can he be anything but awed and impressed that Karamatsu still loves him after all he's put him through? It doesn't matter that he was suffering too, that shouldn't be an excuse to cause more suffering...] I'm not... I can't act like that if you know. [It was hard enough to hurt him sometimes, now it feels impossible. Which is for the best...] Fine, for your sake then... What do you want, right now? [If he can believe he's paying anything back by making his brother happy, maybe it'll be fine. Maybe he won't feel so awful about it making him happy too.] |
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| IchimatsuBoy | Mar 23 2016, 01:01 PM Post #27 |
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[What does he want...? It feels like so many things at once, it's overwhelming. Karamatsu makes a genuine effort to open his mouth and speak, but what comes out instead is more of a sob, and before he knows it's, he's sort of bawling again -- harder this time, even.] I just -- I just want my little brother back! The one who smiled at me and everything and everyone else too! The one who used to tug on the back of my shirt or my sleeve without even noticing it! I spent -- years, just wanting you to not look at me like you were angry or disgusted all the time. [Maybe those are impossible things; he's not trying to say he hates who Ichimatsu has become entirely, but some part of Karamatsu expects that a lot of his attitude has to do with all this, then... self-loathing because he thought he was disgusting and doing something wrong, the wall he built around him because he felt so rotten that he didn't want to get close to people. So now that this is out in the open and he doesn't have to feel bad, maybe...] I just want you with me. The whole time, I just wanted you close to me again. |
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| KaramatsuBoy | Mar 23 2016, 07:58 PM Post #28 |
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[It's heartbreaking to hear Karamatsu talk like that, and he can't fight the tears, so he's just fighting not to all out sob. He won't be able to say anything back if he lets that happen.] I don't know if I can be the same person again, but. But maybe not looking angry or disgusted with you is something? [He almost wants to apologize for not being able to be the same person, to give him his little brother back, because surely they'd both have been happier if things had stayed as they were. He's apologized some for his behavior already, and he feels he could stand to some more, but for who he is... despite what Karamatsu is saying, Ichimatsu isn't sure he'd be entirely happy to hear that.] And I'm with you right now, so... |
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| IchimatsuBoy | Mar 23 2016, 08:15 PM Post #29 |
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I know. [His voice cracks on that, and it makes him feel even worse. Karamatsu moves forward to pull Ichimatsu into his arms, buries his face in his brother's shoulder, and squeezes him tight.] I'm sorry. That wasn't fair. It is something. It's more than enough. Who you are now is more than enough. I miss -- a lot of things, but mostly I worry about you. And I don't want you to ever think that I don't love you as you are now. I do. I do. [God, he really feels awful for that. As if Ichimatsu didn't feel terrible enough already for how he'd acted, as if Ichimatsu hadn't suffered enough, as if Ichimatsu himself wasn't probably also mourning the loss of the days where he was cheerier than this.] I'm sorry. |
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| KaramatsuBoy | Mar 23 2016, 09:03 PM Post #30 |
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[Ichimatsu wasn't going to hold it against him. It hurt, he won't deny, but... he's only ever made things hurt worse for Karamatsu, and he doubts there's been much opportunity to lament that. He can understand why that would come out, fair or not.] Don't worry... I know. You never really gave me any reason to doubt you loved me, even when I tried... I know. [He squeezes his brother in return, maybe to offer some reassurance. And then, with only a moment of hesitation for the second or so his breath catches in his throat at the idea of voicing it...] I love you, too. |
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7:28 PM Jul 10