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I accidentlly a Creepypasta
Topic Started: Jul 30 2012, 12:51 AM (1,347 Views)
Kman
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Totally not ugly.
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As the title suggest, I got what I thought was a pretty good idea for a Creepypasta and decided to run with it, which resulted in me spending a few days writing it. Anyways, before I posted it I wanted to get some feedback on what I could improve or if there's any grammar errors in it. So tell me what you think!

Spoiler: click to toggle
I build shit.
 
JiggyFiggz
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Hack and Slash, friends.
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Oh yes, I like this lots.

In fact, post it to an alternate site and get some more feedback. The only thing I had an issue with was some continuity errors, such as the vent lid being removed, and no indication of it being screwed back on. This wouldn't be wrong if Abby and Co. didn't specifically investigate it without mentioning that the vent lid was pulled off. Tiny things, really. It didn't detract from the story.

Otherwise, the tension of being watched and slowly revealing this mans issues was a treat, yo.
Check it out here ->GodsofPie
 
Malaaaaaa
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*Applause*

This was very nicely written, My good sir. The tension build up throughout the story was pretty good. Although, you do have some minor errors here and there.

In my opinion, ...
-I kept forgetting that they were actually letters-not just narration.
-There are way too many compound sentences.
-"Suddenly shocked and embarrassed(,) I looked up..."
-"this time it was at a more reasonable hour(,) thankfully."

There are more simple errors, and they could easily take a reader away from immersing themselves in your wonderful story.

Good read!

You look nice today.
 
Beakerette
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Plan Turn-this-city-into-a-floatin'-ass-fortress-of-airborne-awesomeness, B.
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I like it. Though it does bother me a bit.

But that's just because when I was in high school, there was a kid that would write me letters all the time. They weren't overbearingly creepy like that, but creepy nonetheless. I avoided everywhere i used to hang out, i threatend him and acted like a dick, other people threatened him and i went to the councelors. None of that worked. Lucky for me, he found someone else to fancy and never bothered me again.
Skype: sarr_bear | Xbox Live: Perv Kittehh | DeviantArt | Steam | Tumblr

Meep
 
Kman
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Totally not ugly.
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Beakerette
Jul 30 2012, 01:44 AM
I like it. Though it does bother me a bit.

But that's just because when I was in high school, there was a kid that would write me letters all the time. They weren't overbearingly creepy like that, but creepy nonetheless. I avoided everywhere i used to hang out, i threatend him and acted like a dick, other people threatened him and i went to the councelors. None of that worked. Lucky for me, he found someone else to fancy and never bothered me again.
Wow, what a dick :\ glad he left you alone though.

And to everyone else, thanks for the feedback! I'll definitely take it into consideration. I'm actually surprised, I didn't think it was too great reading it over once I had finished it, but it's great to hear that people like it :) I definitely did put a good 5-10 hours writing it, plus multiple days of thinking about where I was gonna go with it, so I'm glad it paid off.
I build shit.
 
ShooterOneNinety
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I WUNNA HALP
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That was well executed, well written, and very thought out. I don't think I can do it any better!

EDIT: I wanted to do a creepypasta version from Abby's point of view. I don't think this is really creepy as it is me just messing around.
Spoiler: click to toggle
Edited by ShooterOneNinety, Aug 1 2012, 08:35 AM.
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RP'ing is fun. Join Late Night Write, yo.
 
Kman
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So I have to ask you guys then, do you guys think it's at a state where I should post it on /r/nosleep or the Creepypasta wiki? I just wanted to see what others thought of it before I posted it to make sure it wasn't terrible :P
Edited by Kman, Jul 30 2012, 02:44 AM.
I build shit.
 
Mindy29
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Vicmeister
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I thought it was pretty well-written. Definitely chilling, I'll give you that. I'm not familiar with /r/nosleep or Creepypasta to know for sure whether this is something you'd post there, but I say why not? It's legitimately creepy!
 
smellslikedog
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Pretty Swell
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I loved the build up of tension. I was really getting into it until a friend called me. :/
I don't read creepypastas. I haven't even listen to many of Cry reads creepypasta stories because I dislike the feeling of being scared. lol. So please take my "critique" with a grain of salt. You can completely ignore me if you want. No hard feelings. ;P

Firstly, why are none of the letters signed by Jay? Like, "From Jay", Sincerely, Jay", "With love, Jay", etc. I think adding this to the end of each letter could show Jay's growing obsession. So, the first letter may end with "Sincerely, Jay" which is generally how most people sign off their letters with. Then the next could be "With Love, Jay" and the one after could be "Forever Yours, Jay" and so on.

Quote:
 
I wouldn't be surprised if that guy that gave me your room number has been able to contact the police by now. This way they won't be able to find me, and we get to spend all the time in the world together.

In my opinion, I don't think a guy obsessed with a girl would be thinking quite rationally. So, the idea of getting the cops called on him will likely not be on his mind much. Also, considering this guy knows which room Abby lives in, Jay may come to the (false) realization that he may be after Abby and will see him as another bastard trying to take Abby away from him, like that guy in the photo.

Quote:
 
I went up to your room and knocked on the door, but I got no answer, so I decided to get in by other means.

Although, it is obvious to the reader that he's crazy. It would be interesting how he rationalized in his head, his reasons for getting into Abby's room. Perhaps, he feared for her safety and he saw himself as her secret knight in shining armor? Hence why he hides himself in the vents to watch her.

Quote:
 
At about 8:30, I considered starting to get back into the vent, since that's usually about when you get back from work… Then I had another idea. I looked at your bed, the blankets hung low enough to the floor that you couldn't see underneath the bed unless they were lifted up. I slowly slid under with a smile on my face, and waited for you to get home.

Like above, I would like to know why Jay thought it was a good idea to hide under her bed. Although the line "I slowly slid under with a smile on my face, and waited for you to get home." is fucking creepy and I applaud you for it.

Quote:
 
It was a scrapbook, of me and you. I saw you flipping through the pages, you seemed to be shocked. Do you not like it Abby? I got pictures of you and I when you weren't looking, pictures of you sleeping, pictures of you at your computer.

I probably would have liked a more creepy description of the scrapbook. Like, he'd decorated it with bits of her hair he got from her hairbrush or cut out pictures of married couples from magazines and pasted his and Abby's faces over the models, etc.

To be honest, the last letter doesn't really work for me. This is only because when you get to the end, you realize that he's writing the letter while dying...? For me, that doesn't make sense. Particularly since the person he's writing the letter too is in the same room as him and that he's been stabbed multiple times. If you split the letter into two letters, it may work better. Maybe the last letter is written after he died rather than while he is dying? So, like, it's an unwritten letter that Jay will never get to write. Or something?

Right, well, I apologize if my feedback offended you in any way. I am truly sorry. I'll stand here and let you kick me in the stomach.
 
Kman
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Totally not ugly.
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Heh, no offense taken X) I actually appreciate the criticism, that's why I made this thread in the first place silly *gently pats on the stomach instead*. Some parts of it will stay the same, but I'll definitely make some changes based on what you said (I especially like the whole scrapbook idea, I was trying to expand it while I was writing it but I hit sort of an idea block).
I build shit.
 
Noven
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Cool Guy
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Yup, I'd say those were some good points... Smells? Dog? XD But, yeah. I also really liked the story, was quite good. :)
... Posted Image

http://www.youtube.com/user/CursedNoven
 
ShooterOneNinety
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I WUNNA HALP
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Kman
Jul 30 2012, 02:44 AM
So I have to ask you guys then, do you guys think it's at a state where I should post it on /r/nosleep or the Creepypasta wiki? I just wanted to see what others thought of it before I posted it to make sure it wasn't terrible :P
I think that if you uploaded it to /r/nosleep, you would get nothing but praise. This is a fantastic story!
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RP'ing is fun. Join Late Night Write, yo.
 
Kman
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So uhh, I submitted it to Creepypasta, and then smashed my face against my keyboard trying to figure out how to make a post on Reddit without fucking up somehow.

Goddammit, I shouldn't try to do this stuff at 5 in the morning.
I build shit.
 
ShooterOneNinety
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I WUNNA HALP
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Don't worry bro, I got this.

>:I.

Click submit story. Put the title. Post your text (OPTIONAL AFTER ALL).

Shit, already hit post. I feel like a dick now.
Edited by ShooterOneNinety, Jul 30 2012, 06:49 AM.
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RP'ing is fun. Join Late Night Write, yo.
 
Kman
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Totally not ugly.
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ShooterOneNinety
Jul 30 2012, 06:49 AM
Don't worry bro, I got this.

>:I.

Click submit story. Put the title. Post your text (OPTIONAL AFTER ALL).

Shit, already hit post. I feel like a dick now.
So I did that. It worked, but for some reason it only went down a line whenever I had hit space (or whenever I started a new paragraph) so I basically got a super fucking wide post that was incredibly short... Yeeeeeah I deleted it.

I don't like this website.

EDIT: Now it's telling me that I can't post again for a while. dsrghseoughseoufghseiguhe.
Edited by Kman, Jul 30 2012, 07:03 AM.
I build shit.
 
smellslikedog
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Pretty Swell
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Kman
Jul 30 2012, 05:43 AM
Heh, no offense taken X) I actually appreciate the criticism, that's why I made this thread in the first place silly *gently pats on the stomach instead*. Some parts of it will stay the same, but I'll definitely make some changes based on what you said (I especially like the whole scrapbook idea, I was trying to expand it while I was writing it but I hit sort of an idea block).
Heh, yeah, sorry for my apologeticness. I've given feedback like this to other people's work before and got my head bitten off for it. They would think I was personally attacking them or something? Iunno. Bitches be cray cray.

Noven
 
Yup, I'd say those were some good points... Smells? Dog? XD

Yeah, I should've perhaps chosen a SN with an easy nickname or sorts? lol
 
Noven
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Cool Guy
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Hm, nah, it's fine xD I've seen people with long names that don't have easy nicknames just get letters. They'd name you SLD. Pronounced Slid maybe? But yeah, all's fine~[/quote]
Edited by Noven, Jul 30 2012, 09:11 AM.
... Posted Image

http://www.youtube.com/user/CursedNoven
 
Maggot
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Who's a good boy? Not you! ◕‿‿◕
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I really liked this! The writer's characterisation was great. I like the way that he thinks he's doing her a favour by stalking her and ending her life. I wish we could have gotten into his head a bit more, but there is only so much a letter can reveal.
Are you planning on getting someone to beta it?
Also, the movie logic that someone can be knocked out for hours without severe damage is false. If someone takes a blow to the head and is unconcious for more than a few minutes, they are almost certainly brain-damaged. I'd just like to bring that up, if you are willing to stick to gritty details.
Edited by Maggot, Jul 30 2012, 09:45 AM.
Secret Nazi Maggot: I do not move out of the way.

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Kman
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Totally not ugly.
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So after banging my head against a wall for several hours I finally was able to post it on Reddit without it being formatted horribly. Yaaaaaay!

http://www.reddit.com/r/nosleep/comments/xext2/dear_abby/

I also submitted it to creepypasta.com, but that takes a few days since the admins have to scan through them all and choose which ones are good.
I build shit.
 
Mindy29
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Vicmeister
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smellslikedog
Jul 30 2012, 09:08 AM
I've given feedback like this to other people's work before and got my head bitten off for it. They would think I was personally attacking them or something? Iunno. Bitches be cray cray.
People can be pretty sensitive about their writings and, while they may welcome critique, they also may get butthurt and overprotective when they read comments that are not what they expect. That's probably why you've gotten your head bitten off for your opinions. :] Not because your feedback is bad or insulting or anything like that, so keep up with your style of feedback as it's really good from what I read. Just be careful to check and make sure the person you're commenting to isn't so bloody sensitive. D: *fixes your head*
 
Sparky
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Sparktastic!
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Dude read it and found it very very very creepy dear god to think that people actually do this.
EVERYONE SMILE!..or i will have my way with you >:D

Hiya i'm Sparky
 
Kman
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Totally not ugly.
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Sparky
Jul 31 2012, 03:30 AM
Dude read it and found it very very very creepy dear god to think that people actually do this.
Thanks Sparky X) I tried to keep it grounded to reality as much as possible, but obviously certain parts stray pretty far from what could actually happen in real life.

In other news, I actually found this pretty fun so I might write another if I find the time to (hopefully this one won't be as insanely long).
I build shit.
 
Sparky
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Sparktastic!
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Nah Kman this is totally believable. No joke this stuff actually happens. And also Kman i would enjoy you writing another you did well and took your time.
EVERYONE SMILE!..or i will have my way with you >:D

Hiya i'm Sparky
 
smellslikedog
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Pretty Swell
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Mindy29
Jul 31 2012, 01:03 AM
smellslikedog
Jul 30 2012, 09:08 AM
I've given feedback like this to other people's work before and got my head bitten off for it. They would think I was personally attacking them or something? Iunno. Bitches be cray cray.
People can be pretty sensitive about their writings and, while they may welcome critique, they also may get butthurt and overprotective when they read comments that are not what they expect. That's probably why you've gotten your head bitten off for your opinions. :] Not because your feedback is bad or insulting or anything like that, so keep up with your style of feedback as it's really good from what I read. Just be careful to check and make sure the person you're commenting to isn't so bloody sensitive. D: *fixes your head*
Haha, thanks for fixing my head. ;P I've learnt my lesson and figured that there are some people who say they "want critique", when in fact what they really mean is "attention and praise". I just like to put a sorry-sounding disclaimer just in case that happens. Coz, I'm pitiful like that.

Kman, please do more! I'm looking forward to see what else is lurking in the brain of yours. I've just started to read H.P. Lovecraft so I'm in the mood for more creepy stories. But I'm still to chicken to actually go out a look for some creepypastas. ;_;
 
Mindy29
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Vicmeister
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smellslikedog
Aug 1 2012, 06:46 AM
Haha, thanks for fixing my head. ;P I've learnt my lesson and figured that there are some people who say they "want critique", when in fact what they really mean is "attention and praise". I just like to put a sorry-sounding disclaimer just in case that happens. Coz, I'm pitiful like that.
Aahh~ yeah, I understand what you mean there. :c Having a disclaimer does help, though! That way, if they try to bite your head off, you can just go "I warned ye. -.-" and walk away...hopefully before they actually proceed on with the biting.
 
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